Wednesday, 31 December 2008

Russian Prof Igor Panarin Predicts UIGEA Will Break Up The USA

A Geo-Political poker exclusive today with massive implications, here on Melted Felt. Igor Panarin, a leading Russian academic and former best friend of Teddy KGB has been making headlines the world over with his dire predictions that the UIGEA (together with some financial crunching or other) will lead to the break-up of the USA into separate zones in 2010...

With each state having different views on gambling legislation ranging from Utah's 'no thinking for yourself pleeeaaase' blanket ban, through Kentuckies' "I'll have a slice of that pie' domain grab to Nevada's "ship the pot this way, I'm off to see some whores" open-mindedness... there were bound to be cracks forming at some point - here is how Igor Panarin sees the US once the dust settles:



Each color on the map represents a different zone of control...

Green: Chinese Controlled Zone - Online Poker here is mostly made up of bots playing 2-7 triple draw and large teams of CPA fraudsters each referring each other to online poker sites and gaining exactly the number of FPPs required before cashing out.

Yellow: Canadian Controlled Zone - Characterised by players who get really fucking upset when losing 70/30 shots and are likely to spend considerable time and effort to make damn sure that you realise that your play was minus EV over time - you fucking retard.

Blue: Mexican Controlled Zone - Just be careful who you beat while playing in this area, one rivered ace beating the wrong pair of kings could easily see your head appearing in a plastic bag at the entrance to a shopping mall.

Red: Part Of The European Union - Overplaying ace rag, slowplaying straights on 3 flush boards and short-stacking PLO will be the order of the day. A swiftly incorporated education program will explain that Europe is not actually a single country and exactly why every individual nation passionately hates the French.

Alaska: Russian Controlled - Online poker will be just fine here, you'll have to carefully consider the fact that your government could switch off your gas in the middle of winter and freeze you to death though... just for a laugh.

Well, Igor's predictions may be wishful commie thinking, but then again....

MF

Online Poker Guide And Poker Tips

In the first in a series of completely corrupt posts Melted Felt is pleased to bring you news of the best poker information site ever to grace the interweb - a site so fucking good that it will blow your 35% cotton / 65% nylon xmas socks off... a site so utterly fantastic that its owner paid for a pair of new shoes for your MF host in order to get a completely unbiased plug. (photo to follow in the new year!)

The first thing you will notice about this awsome Poker Site are the huge number of Poker Tips , and let's face it... from what we have seen you should be reading these now. There are video tips here in addition to articles on many aspects of poker strategy.

But wait, thats not all!

Order now and we'll send you a... (oops, thats the wrong plug). What we actually wanted to point out is that this same incredible poker site also has a comprehensive Online Poker Guide which covers all sorts of valuable info about US / UK / Canadian sites, bonuses and reviews...

Go check 'em out!

MF

Monday, 29 December 2008

Special Announcement: Melted Felt Goes Corrupt!

No shocking exclusive today, instead a special announcement for affiliate managers, poker website owners and anyone with an interest (or grudge) in the poker industry - yep, Melted Felt will officially go completely and utterly corrupt from Jan 1st 2009!

What this means in practice is that we will start to accept bribes in exchange for publicity and adverts, no dirty cash please - we are talking proper merchandise only. Send us a Wii (with the fit add-on) and well display your advert for a whole year... a video-camera gets your company mentioned as the sponsor of the site for 6 months, smaller goods or merchandise will be ok for a publicity post and so on... easy huh?

So, here is how to get the ball rolling... simply send us a mail to support@sngplanet.com with 'Bribe' in the title, tell us what you'd like and what you'll offer (no fucking about with lengthy 'negotiations' please, lets get to the point fast). We will then give you an address to send the goods too... its in Budapest, Hungary so a registered mail service like FedEx / UPS only please... and bam, up goes your ad... we'll even take a pic of the MF team with the goods for good measure... could send the cash too if this is too much hassle... we'll pop to the mall to get the goods and 'pretend' that you sent it!

So simple.

We look forward to hearing from you soon!

MF

Forum Flames Escalate As 2009 Supernova Elite Challenges Grow

Melted Felt can today exclusively bring you an investigation fresh from the ugly bowels of internet poker forums. Yes, the time of year arrives when young men the world over lay down the gauntlet as to who can get the first medically proven case of Repetitive Strain Disorder their quest to become the coolest poker dog in town - a pokerstars supernova elite!

We start with the quest of Tommy from London, England - who has told his peers on his favorite poker strategy forum that he was willing to bet cash that he developed Carpal Tunnel Syndrome by the end of March by 26 tabling SNG tournaments 14 hours a day. Hank, from Tenessee went one better, arguing that by 56-table short-stacking Omaha Poker, he would be able to suffer from the extremely painful Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy Syndrome by mid-February at the latest.

Meanwhile, Freddy a 19 year old greasy and somewhat spotty virgin from Stockholm, Sweden did not post his intentions of becoming a Supernova Elite on any forum. Instead he meticulously planned his path to reaching this goal - working out that with a good run and bankroll management he could reach this by April the 8th 2009.

What Freddy was really looking forward to was striding confidently into his local bar, pausing to nonchalantly flick a small piece of fluff from his Metallica t-shirt, sauntering over to those beautiful blondes at the bar and saying, "Hey Babe, I'm a Supernova Elite" - no, wait... erm, ahhhhhhh.

MF

Sunday, 28 December 2008

Shock As Hellmuth's Entire History Proves Bogus

After an artery-hardening holiday-season break Melted Felt is back at your service with an exclusive which is set to rock the rotten core of the poker world.

Phil Helmuth's award of a pot in an online poker game at Ultimate Bet which he visibly lost caused a minor ripple through forums worldwide... here at Melted Felt we have gone one step further and can (sensationally) reveal, after days of digging through histories, that Hellmuth has never actually won a single hand of poker ever!

We start the shocking revelation in the 1989 WSOP (yes folks, poker was really played before the technology to call someone a retard in an anonymous online forum was even invented) where Hellmuth famously beat Johnny Chan to simulateously become both the youngest and the ugliest winner of the main event. Only he never won a hand, after trawling through the histories and watching the chips move it appeared that each time Chan's attention was momentarily disconnected from the table the chips went to Phil... even though he was holding 10-2 off.

Again and again, bent dealers, human error, bribes at the right moment, blackmail involving very revealing photos, computer glitches and rigged online poker sites contributed to making Phil Helmuth into the poker celeb that we love to hate...

While this goes a long way to explaining why the 'top 10 only' strategy outlined in Hellmuth's books causes all players using it to go broke, it does explain Phil Helmuth's most famous quote quite nicely..."if it were not for luck I guess I'd win every one"... hmmmm.

MF

Tuesday, 23 December 2008

PocketElevens Tournament Review for 21-12-2008

PocketElevens members won three major tournaments on Sunday, lead by complete donkey T3ddyKGB999 who won the Full Tilt 1 Million Gtd monthly flagship event for $211,974. Other PocketElevens members to make big scores include Nate_Dog362 and Weedman_7161 who final tabled the Poker Stars Sunday Million and Sunday Warm-up's respectively.

T3ddyKGB999 has been a valuable member of the PocketElevens community since logging on once in 2006, registering his screen names... seeing that he ranked 89,714th and then never bothering to log on again. We are proud to claim the victory an outstanding member of the community and look forward to adding his WSOP winnings to our total next year, even though he posts on a completely different website - just like Barry Greenstein.

Nate_Dog362 managed to come 7th in the Sunday Million for a nice $27,355 score after getting all-in the the worst hand no less than 13 times. Even though his only contributions to strategy threads to date have involved the lavish use of the word 'Retarded' he is now considering opening his own training site.

Finally, outstanding member of the PocketElevens community Weedman_7161 came 3rd in this weeks Sunday Warm Up for a cool $63,004. Those familiar with Weedman will know how vehemently he wades in to the arguments on Multi-accounting and ghosting, suggesting death for those involved... we were thus confused by the fact that there are no less than 7 'Weedman-xyz' Ids registered on P11's all from the same IP address and with different user names on the major sites...

Pop back over to PocketElevens soon for more childish arguments, stomach-churning hero-worship, bad spelling and horribly incompetant moderation.

MF

Saturday, 20 December 2008

Full Tilt Close Player Accounts For Using Full Tilt Software

So exclusive that not even the writer has heard it yet, Melted Felt bring you some sensational news this morning - showing exactly how far Full Tilt Poker's Software ban has gone in their crackdown on software that helps players on the site, yesterday.

Those days when you could data-mine Full Tilt using robotic software programs what worked for you while you slept in your own filthy stench working off last night's hangover are long-gone. The second largest poker site are now actively cracking down on users of bots, aids and random software programs.

In an effort to make this ban as far-reaching as possible, Full Tilt last night closed the accounts of everyone using the Full Tilt Poker software client - leaving only the dormant accounts of those players who signed up in their 'brothers' name after realising that they were missing out on rakeback.

According to our Full Tilt insider there were suspicions that the Full Tilt Poker client may have been used to actually win money - a trait which the site has been trying to crack down on for years using tactics including botnet-attack lags and the cessation of payout requests.

We sent the Melted Felt mole to start an online investigation - only this was cut short when we found out that Tilt had blocked users of Windowns, Mac and Linux operating systems from accessing their website, in addition to preventing people whose name shares any of the letters with the word 'Macerel' from creating and account.

Stay tuned - this one could run and run...

MF

Friday, 19 December 2008

Poker Stars To Attempt New World Record

In another sensational exclusive, Melted Felt are pleased to bring you the shocking news that Poker Stars - that poker site which is considerably larger than Full Fucking Tilt - are planning a world record attempt between xmas and new year.

Yes, Team Poker Stars will get together at a secret location and - assisted by several 'industrial size' tubs of vaseline - will find out exactly how many copies of the '2008 Guiness Book Of World Records' they can successfully shove up Howard Lederer's ass while singing the Poker Stars anthem.

The 'thwack' of rubber gloves was already ringing through the corridoors of Stars Isle-of-Man HQ yesterday as Chris Moneymaker volunteered to help get the team properly trained by allowing multiple copies of the lubricated and (thankfully) abridged edition of the 'Times Atlas of The World' to be inserted into his anus.

Apparently Daniel Negreanu has become a nervous wreck and actually fainted after seeing a fan approach holding an autograph book...

MF

Thursday, 18 December 2008

2+2ers Working Round The Clock On Madoff-Hamilton Link

Exclusive news this Friday morning, that the dogs of 2+2 are working over-overtime at the moment - after being 100% sure that Russ Hamilton must somehow be involved in the Bernard Madoff scandal.

Hand Histories were being looked at with a fine toothcomb, records of domain name and e-mail address ownership were being put under the magnifying glass and theories were being brewed late last night as the apparent link between the two alledged scammers came within a whisker of being uncovered.

Hamilton, famed for laughing in the face of the Kahnawake Gaming Corporation as he counted the big piles of money alledgedly stolen from Ultimate Bet, yesterday exclusively denied having any involvement what-so-ever in the $50 Billion Madoff ponzi scheme which recently collapsed.

Stooping down to prop up a wobbly table leg with a wad of $100's Hamilton said "wahh, ha, ha, hahahaha, heeeeheheheh, ho ho" when we asked him about his connection.

The 2+2 dogs were not so sure - already discovering a user called 'Burn And Turn' who played 193 hands at the same table as NoiNoi in 2006... with Burn sounding uncannily like Bernard - the first name of Mr Madoff, support were asked to trace the IP address - yep, this Id and the headquarters of Madoff's empire shared the same coast!

With the link established it is only a matter of time before statistical outliers and vested interests are revealed.... stay tuned.

MF

Wednesday, 17 December 2008

Bad Beat Costs Former Party Poker Owner $300 Million

In a sensational second-hand scoop, Melted Felt are pleased to bring you the shocking revalation that one Anurag Dikshit, former founding partner of Party Poker has coughed up $300 million to the US Justice Department.

What is more we bring you this entire sensational piece without once mentioning that his name has the word 'rag' in it, oops.

Mr Dikshit - what was called 'raggy' or 'ragger' throughout his childhood and often dreamt of changing his name to Kevin, or maybe Bob, to escape the cruel taunts. In fact, while having his moustache carefully trimmed he personally asked the MF Mole if we could refer to him as "Brian Dikshit' for the rest of the piece.

Money will change hands from Brian Shit to the US Government in 3 stages, and are closely tied in with negotiations with the justice deparment - with Brian seeking to use his vast wealth to avoid prosecution which would have been a given for anyone poor.

Brian Dick actually created the original software platform for Party Poker - so, now we know who to blame... eh 'ragger'.

MF

Tuesday, 16 December 2008

Red Faced Beshear Finds Out Kentucky Not Yet Online

In yet another Melted Felt exclusive we are pleased to bring you a sensational tale of courtroom drama, legal wranglings and mild embarrassment - all from the anti-gambling state of Kentucky.

Yes, in a shocking exchange in the court of appeal a lawyer for the defence asked Kentucky Governer Steve Beshear how many people are potentially able to access 'gambling devices' over the internet.

Beshear promptly and confidently replied that every town and city in Kentucky has access to a telephone - and many small farming villages were looking into getting one. While the information superhighway had not yet actually reached the population of KY - 93% of whom are employed (directly or indirectly) in the turkey farming business - the legislation was a preventative measure in case they one day caught-up with the rest of the world.

We sent the Melted Felt mole deep into the heart of Kentucky to find out the real story from the moonshine parties and barn-dances famed in this state. While a staggering 3% of those questioned had heard of the internet, only 2 of them had ever seen it and one thinks he might have mistaken it for a combine-harvester.

Still, who outside of KY had ever heard of Steve Beshear before this episode. After all his popular move to ban cable TV from the state has met with a lot of blank looks - "Ain't that like having a radio with movin' pictures in it" one straw-muncher was quoted as saying....

MF


Monday, 15 December 2008

CTS aka Cole South Beats Record For Montana Turd Bird Prices

Flushed with success after shifting 100's of copies of the worlds most expensive poker ebook - Cole "CTS" South has broken another record - Melted Felt is pleased to exclusively report - after yesterday shifting a more than a dozen Montana Turd Birds for no less then $8,525 a piece.



The eBook, called 'Let There Be Range!", was sold for a comparitively paltry $1,850 and apparently contains very little in the way of Math, if the title is anything to go by we do not expect it to contain much in the way of English either. According to inside information this is aimed at the hardcore market of people with more money than sense who probably think that Poker Stars is rigged anyway.

With the success of high-priced info product sales Cole has looked to continue his streak. Each Montana Turd Bird is unique - which gave him the perfect selling angle to price these $5 products at the lofty heights of $8,525... but that is not all - turning his back on the poker tables for a career of selling expensive stuff we expect CTS will shortly move into the following lucrative markets:

- Certificated, Documented and Video-Captured Proof that the Pope is indeed Catholic... only 10 copies to be sold ever and yours for just $21,899.33c

- Special eBook Guide to improving your golf swing for people with one arm more muscular than the other titled 'The Habitual Wanker's Guide To Hole In One's', just $69.690,69c

- How to make a profit in the real eastate market, with a special introductory chapter explaining how one-way bets happen all the time and that you are not too late to join the gravy train, and if you do not buy now then you'll miss out for ever and be living in that shitty trailer park you nothing waste of humanity... for just $11,250

Right, best get going - time to feed my Turd Bird!

MF

Thursday, 11 December 2008

Online Poker Genuis Shits Himself Laughing After 'Hilarious' Location Gag

A short snippet today following a 'follow through' in the sensational world of online poker exclusives, yesterday. Yes we bring you the tale of Alan, a 31 year old mechanical engineer from Montreal, Canada - who recently realised that you could change the 'location' field on his favorite iPoker site to read the (short)caption of your choice.

While Alan was first inexoribly drawn to putting an aggressively funny one-liner such as 'Mind Your Own Business' or 'Fook Off Nosey' it was during a rather boring group training excercise at Smiths Precision Engineering that his hilarious idea struck... It was just sooo original, sooo hilarious and soooo - well - out there that (unfortunately) Alan not only laughed out loud just as a the operation of a new lazer-powered lathe was being carefully explained - he also managed to accidently follow through, depositing a steaming lump of stinking sh1t into his recently ironed y-fronts.

Still, it was worth it.

Every time Alan logs on he snikers to himself. Safe in the knowledge that one or two opponents (at least!) are bound to hover their mouse for long enough to see.

That they will realise that far from being a crap poker player and extremely average engineer, that Alan is a trapped comedy genuis who - had life just panned out a little differently - would have been starring on broadway, or telling gag after gag on Saturday night live...

Of course, MF just think that anyone writing 'Earth' as their location is probably an utterly dull engineer, or maybe a junior accountant.

MF

Tuesday, 9 December 2008

Exclusive: An Interview With The Full Tilt Poker Panda

In the very latest in our exclusive sensations of yesterdays almost entirely made up poker news , Melted Felt are pleased to bring you an interview with the Full Tilt Poker Panda... in case you missed them, this is actually the 3rd avatar interview (4 if you count the Party Poker Psycho!) so we'll link 'em up at the bottom of the page.

MF: Hi Full Tilt Poker's Panda, what should we call you and how did you first get into poker??


FT Panda: Just call me Fluff Jeremy dude, Me - I'm the Ron Jeremy of the panda-wo-o-o-orld, Poker is just a side-line man, I mean they pay me so well to luuuurrrrvvve those lady Pandas that I just play the game to blow off some steam, baby.

MF: Sure, Fluff, hey according to the Wiki, Female Pandas have very short fertile periods and are famously uninterested in sex for the rest of the year?

FT Panda: You know it baby! those ladies are just big teases, gettin you into their forest habitat just to offer green tea and a munch on a bamboo stick. Thats why they need a super-stud like me, baby, to give them the goood lovin' when those days finally roll around. They make up for the quantity with quality man, thats why they call on Fluff, the best baby, the best.

MF: So, your - erm - 'work' keeps you busy? How do you fit in time for all that pot-limit omaha??

FT Panda: Well, baby, I'm an in-demand panda, baby. If the stud of the panda world is needed then they call me first - you understand me dudey dude? I am the fi-rrrr-rrr-rrr-st port of call in the Panda u-n-i-v-e-r-s-e!

MF: Erm, Well, No

FT Panda: What I'm sayin my 'lill friend is I'm the daddy, I'm the tip-top choice, I'm the numero-u-u-u--uno... its just, well you know, with the lovely ladies only gettin' in the luuurvin mood once a year, well the phone it don't ring too much, but I'm saying - I'm really saying babbbiiiieee, that when there is the need, then they call Fluff Jeremy first my friend, they would call me first... ya got it now?

MF: Ok Fluff we got it now, hey, but there is no need to cry... erm, want a tissue?

FT Panda: Sure, man, thank-e-you,(sob) its such a frustrating species to be born, man, if I were a rabbit, or even a monkey, then that phone would never (sob) stop ringing, I mean, its hardly my fault (sniff) that the lovely ladies are never in the mood, if they were in the mood then its fluff who they would call, they (sob) would (sob) call... (waaaaaahhhhhaaaa)

At this point the Panda completely broke down, sobbing that he had even been forced to visit a dominatrix grizzly bear to stay his frustration on more than one occasion and that, actually, he hated bamboo and would much rather eat seafood... tune in next time when we have an exclusive interview with Howerd Lederer's Pet Tuna.

MF

Links to our past interviews:

Interview With The Full Tilt Shark

Pro Profile - The Full Tilt Turtle

Monday, 8 December 2008

LAPT Mexico Cancelled As Contestants Find Out 1st Prize Is A Virgin

A sensational exclusive from south of the border yesterday as Melted Felt bring you news hot off the press from the land of moustached women and a nationwide deoderant phobia. Yes, among speculation that the LAPT Mexico was closed at the half way stage due to a 'tipping error' on behalf of the organisers - we can bring you the cold hard truth...

18 year old Carmen De RenaultLaguna, due to be given away as 1st prize in this 10-chicken (or close equivalent) buy-in Latin American Poker Tour Event was actually 'outed' as a virgin between blind levels 8 and 9 - causing the massed sombreros of the poker playing participants to very suddenly walk out.

We spoke to participant Jose Halitouiso, a keen poker player who had swapped one of his gandmother's gold teeth to enter (though apparently she put up quite a fight to keep it). Jose expressed his huge disappointment at hearing the news. "Eh? Tips? We loooove tips" he started, continuing after we had greased his palm with a crisp $20, "eh? Ci, Ci - nooo goood Senior, nooo gooood, they promised a prize lady for the weeee-nner of de poookker tournament senior, for sure, Ci Ci" $10 later he got round to answering the Melted Felt Mole on what exactly was the problem with Carmen being so biblically pure? "Well, senior, Ci, Ci, the thing isssss, If she not gooood enough for her own brothers, den how is she good enough for me?"

Luckily a replacement 'prize' was found, her moustache attractively clipped and the tournament rescheduled - only to find that 87 of the 89 original participants were now gainfully employed in branches of Burger King throughout San Deigo...

MF

Friday, 5 December 2008

Hellmuth Releases Clothing Line

Well, we'd love to tell you that we made it up - however only the details of today's story can be considered a Melted Felt exclusive. The facts can be checked, the I's are dotted, the t's crossed and those ducks all lined up in a cute little row... yes ladies and gentlemen we bring you exlusive details of the Phil Helmuth Jr range of special clothing.... item by item:

1) The 'Flappy Neck Jowel Scarf' ' (TM)

Specially made from the finest sweat-inducing artificial fibres by slave children in Borneo - the stylish 'Flappy Neck Jowel Scarf' (TM) was designed for those players like Phil, who have big flaps of skin hanging from the underneath of their chins. Available in black, black or black this accessory will make you instantly more attractive to member of the opposite sex who prefer people without big flappy necks.

2) The 'Dumb Stare Reducing Indoor Sunglasses Range' (TM)

The world already has polarising sunglasses and UV reducing sunglasses, but after extensive trials the Hellmuth range now includes sunglasses which are scientifically proven to reduce the effect of those dumb stares. Yes, wearing these will instantly increase the poker IQ (TM) of the average Vegas tourist from 55 to 72. There is also a completely blacked-out one which is designed to help the very worst poker players loose sightly less money.

3) The "Smaller Gentlemans Jock-Strap' (T fuckin M!)

After Phil Himself complained for years that even the tightest jock strap left far too much room for - erm - maneuver, he is proud to release a version especially designed with the smaller gentleman in mind. The strechy constricting fabric of the Hellmuth brand 'Smaller Gentleman's Jock Strap\ (TM) will shrink to fit even the most miniscule of appendages - leaving you free to focus on the poker. Available in black and in 'tiddler', 'Minnow' and 'peanut' sizes - all with a picture of Phils smiling face on the front.

MF

PS: Dont forget our Disclaimer

Tuesday, 2 December 2008

Shock As Global Credit Crunch Hits Poker

Coming so soon after our last shocking exclusive, Melted Felt are pleased to bring you the first of 3 more shocking exclusive poker sensations - this time on a truly global scale.

Yes, the Melted Felt Mole has been to the 4 corners of the earth yesterday to assess the effect of the Global Credit Crunch on the world of poker, today we cover the far east - come back soon when Britain and the US will be covered.

We started in China where there was a noticable reduction in the toxic fumes slowly choking the planet to death being pumped out by the factories of one Mr Ho Hum. When we enquired what the problem was the numbers were truly staggering. Some 173,954 people had been layed off from their jobs of creating millions of ultra-low quality 'Texas Holdem Poker Sets' with the lightest plastic chips and paper-thin playing cards, which until recently were sold in supermarkets, convienience stores and gas stations throughout the world - usually to be used once then stored in a cupboard.

"We strongly deny that the lead content of any of the products was above internationally recognised standards" said Mr Hum yesterday, adding that "The extra-high lead content was actually in the original specification supplied by the customer" before concluding that "well, what harm does a bit of lead do anyway? hardly fatally poisoned baby milk is it??".

Before he could go on to deny anything about baby milk we asked about the fate of the 173,000-odd workers he was forced to lay off. Fortunately, Mr Ham in the factory next door had seen a massive uptick in orders for his specialist adult-sized nappies from Wall Street traders and hedge fund managers and was able to take on most of the affected labor.

MF

Coming next - Oxford University student Tarquin suffers shock reduction in allowance.


.

Friday, 28 November 2008

60 Minutes To Show Poker In 100% Favorable Terms This Sunday

As poker players across the nation look forward to the delayed episode of 60 minutes featuring poker's recent 'superuser' scandals, Melted Felt is pleased to exclusively report that poker will be shown in such massively favorable terms that Mormons are expected to convert enmasse, yesterday.

Yes, there is little doubt that online poker will be shown to the nation as a wholesome and natural competetive passtime enjoyed by all-American families providing a profitable outlet for those competative instincts. 60 minutes are also expected to show you:

- How poker boosts your relationships with wives or girl / boyfriends and makes you irrististable to the opposite sex if you are currently single.

- The fantastic effect of online poker in gaining you massive respect among those who accused you of being a spotty little fuck who spent all day clicking a mouse in a darkened room.

- Provide facts and figure which will turn your family into staunch supporters of your plan to drop out of college and multi-table 25c / 50c 6-max no limit for a living, I mean - does Chris Ferguson have an, erm, degree?

- 60 Minutes will prove, once and for all, that you are a good player - way above average in fact, and that if you could JUST HAVE NORMAL LUCK you'd be rich by now, filthy rich, OMG the donk sucked out again, jeeze, you are just so talented, oh no, rivered, you should be sooo rich, really, sigh.

- They will go on to make such a hugely convincing argument that poker is a skill game and should be immediately legalised that Bill Frist will come out of retirement especially to draft the legalisation bill himself.

Well, we read your hopes all over the forums folks and MF have a question to ask you...
Favorable, really?

MF

Wednesday, 26 November 2008

McDonalds Party Bookings Plummet As Nevada Consider Lowering Gambling Age

In yet another in a long line of shocking and sensational exclusives, Melted Felt can today reveal the desperation of Casino barrons has lead to a lobby to lower the legal gambling age in Nevada to 5, yesterday.

With the economy in recession the number of drunk tourists donking off their cash in legally (and openly) rigged casino games has hit an all time low, with several casinos now actually 100% dependant on T J Cloutier's craps habit.

We spoke to a casino industry insider shortly before he started cleaning gentlemans restroom on level 3 of the Rio. "They are going after the pocket money dollar" he mumbled, "with 50 million children each receiving a weekly average of $4.25 each the market is huge - and that is not even including those old enough to get a paper delivery job or sell home-made lemonade".

A dealer admitted he was worried by the thought, "The little fuckers are vicious - slowrolling, angle grinding, you name it" he said. "in fact I have lost track of the times I've seen the 9 year olds down a big glass of milk in one slug and then challenge an opponent 4 or 5 times their age to 'Heads Up 4 Rollz' ", going on to admit that "it just loses its intimidating edge when the aggressor is 4 feet tall and wearing a milk-moustache".

Even before the governer considers his stance on the proposal, sales of McDonalds happy-meal parties have plummetted, proving that the nations tots are looking forward to lecturing you on exactly how your play was a negative expectation reverse implied odds situation - donk.

MF

Monday, 24 November 2008

Shock As Eric Liu Buys Lederer With Stars FPPs

The world of online poker was left in turmoil yesterday, Melted Felt is pleased to exclusively report - after a Full Tilt 'Red Pro' actually managed to buy Howerd Lederer - using Poker Stars FPPs.

Eric Liu - a trainer for the well known cardjoggers training site has been sponsored by Full Tilt for some time. Being a red pro bringing numerous priviledges including 100% rakeback and the ability to create multiple accounts to take advantage of your unsuspecting opponents.

The fact that Liu had been 'secretly' playing at Poker Stars long enough to accumulate a huge pot of 'Frequent Player Points' (FPPs) was shocking enough... but using those same points to actually buy Howard Lederer - owner of Full Tilt - has left the poker world gibbering nonsense and playing marginal hands out of position.

Speculation on what Liu will do with his newly aquired Lederer is anybody's guess at this point in time... though rumors are already surfacing of a baby-oil lubricated celebrity death match with Cardjoggers CFO Lee Jones...

MF

Sunday, 23 November 2008

Aussie Millions - Concern Over Structure Grows

The organisers of the 2009 Aussie Millions - the prestigious poker tournament held in Australia - were keeping tight lipped about the tournament's structure yesterday, Melted Felt can exclusively report. We sent the Melted Felt Mole deep into their organisation to bring you another sensational exclusive!

Concerns started after last years structure diminished the skill-edge of top internet pros by using real chips and cards. With blinds of 100 / 200 and 500 chips to start, the room for post flop play was 'kind of cramped according' to one winner of a UB Freeroll.

Our mole infiltrated the organisation to the highest levels - getting the following exclusive information from the head of barbequeues... this year they will start with 10,000 chips and blinds of 25 / 50 - the same as they do in the World Series. However, in order to differentiate this tournament from the 100's of others around the world, the following changes are to be brought in to 'Keep It Ozzie'.

- Play will flow counter-clockwise to match the spiral of water going down plugholes.

- Cards will be dealt face-up, but the individual players will be seated underneath the tables.

- When anyone calls the clock on an opponent a 10 minute timer will be started and cans of Fosters lager distributed to all the players.

- The dealing of the first 3 community cards will not be known as 'the flop', in keeping with Australian culture we will now see the "Strewth!" instead, the turn the "Hooley-Dooley" and the river the "Fair-Dinkum".

- The tournament will break for 30 minutes at 15:25 hours each day for Home And Away.

Well, enjoy the tournament, Melted Felt are off to look at the under / over for how many idiots come home with a digeridoo...

MF

Wednesday, 19 November 2008

New Record Number Think PokerStars Is Rigged

Despite the efforts of politicians who believe that any type of enjoyment is against the will of god and that money is better spent on war, the number of people playing online poker actually continues to grow.

The latest record to be breached was the 30,000 simultaneous cash game players over at Poker Stars - this is the largest number since the 2nd largest number and shows just how fucking fat the wallets of the owners must be.

However, Melted Felt would not be at the cutting-edge of poker news merely regurgitating the same old headlines - no, we are pleased (yesterday) to bring you another sensational exclusive, this time concening the record number of people who think that PokerStars is rigged.

Its all in the numbers.

With 30,000 cash game players each having a pair of aces at least once during the evening, we can sensationally report that 6,000 of them typed 'JokerStars' into the chat box at least once, when cracked by a badly played pair of 9's.

Next we combine those who had a pair against a flush draw with one card to come and lost... typing 'of course, every time at this site'... thats another 7,500... an all-in pre-flop confrontation between A-K and A-Q lead to another 10,000 people typing in 'knew it was going to happen before I called - this site is rigged'.... with suited connectors cracking trips, straights counterfeiting 2-small pairs and high cards beating even higher other cards we can add another 7,777 very easily indeed, and we have not even started on the PLO yet...

This brings us to the exclusive, sensational, impressive, erm, number of people who are damn sure that PokerStars is rigged despite a single piece of factual evidence to the contrary in more than 12 Billion tracked hands - too.... 31,227 - someone call Norris McFickingWerter.

MF

Tuesday, 18 November 2008

Red-Faces As Yang Resigns As Head Of Yahoo!

There were red-faces all round in the cross over world of internet portals and live poker calling stations yesterday - Melted Felt is pleased to exclusively report... after 2007 WSOP Main Event winner Jerry Yang tried to resign from a job he did not actually hold.

Yes, Jerry Yang's resignation of Yahoo! Chief Executive caused more than red-faces yesterday. According to the Melted Felt mole there were a couple of embarrassed coughs, some staring at shoes, an incident or two of newly identified dirt under the finger nails and even an idle whistle.

Yang patently waited for the minor hubub to die down before carefully explaining that he calls, erm, no, we mean that as much as he has enjoyed being CEO of Yahoo since his World Series win, he would rather someone more suitable took the job.

Apparently Yang discovered that there is a big skill difference between calling any and all bets all the way to the river with any 2 cards every time but somehow lucking out - and running one of the world's largest internet portals... and to be honest he would rather be at home having a nice sit down.

The board meeting was closed with a tentative acceptance speach from the head of Human Resources - who managed to eloquenty thank Yang for resigning from a job he never held and compliment him on being the world's most successful calling station at the same time.

Asked whether he thought that God approved of giant multinational internet portals Yang (naturally) flat-called.

MF

Sunday, 16 November 2008

Lederer 'Accidentally' Sells 183% of Full Tilt

As the news broke yesterday that once-pretty poker pro Clonnie Gowan is to sue Full Tilt the Melted Felt mole was dispatched. Our findings were so shocking, so sensational and so on (!) that we just had to immediately bring you another Melted Felt exclusive.

The news broke that Howerd Lederer promised the ghostly pro 1% of Full Tilt back in 2004, in return for playing a bit of poker on the (then fledgling) site and regular videotaped 3-somes with Jennifer Tilly. With an insulting amount of just $250k in the post - Gowan declared war, stating in legal filings that she will not drop charges until able to parade both of Howerd's testicles nailed to a long pole through the streets of Las Vagas.

Our mole, in conjunction with Howerd Lederer's pet tuna*, uncovered a twist that could see the skin and bones of Gowan somewhat disapointed. After watching the classic comedy film 'The Producers' Howerd decided to promise no less than 183% of Full Tilt to build up his stable of poker pros - betting that at least half would be either dead, broke or too drunk to notice by the time it came to paying out any cash.

He also sold an addition 7% stake to Satan in return for pinning a scandal on UB - however the legal jurastiction of this is unknown, so we have not counted it in the total.

Here at Melted Felt we believe this story has a long way to run - stay tuned (oh and please read our disclaimer!).

MF

* For background on Howerd Lederer's pet tuna, check out our: Interview With The Full Tilt Poker Shark

Thursday, 13 November 2008

Spectre Of UIGEA Enactment Leads To Mass Faked Withdrawal Concerns

Worry, concern, a couple of the usual weak noises from the PPA and a mass of fake fretting about 'online 'rolls' has spread like wildfire through the internet yesterday (Melted Felt can exclusively report), as information came to light that president Bush was about to press the 'nuke online poker button' by actually enacting the UIGEA.

An example involved 18 year old Chris from Tampa, who plays (badly) under the screen name TeddyKGB123JediSharkNateDog987. He popped up in several online forums with posts (in ALL CAPS of course) saying things like, "F Bush man, I'm really worried about my online 'roll, should I be withdrawing it now are we ok for another month? I'm gonna move to fing Canada... etc etc'

Another losing microstakes donkey, Brian from Iowa has been recommending that players relax, chipping in to the internet discussion to say he is going to withdraw everything over the $5,000 mark from all of his internet accounts.

The reality is, of course very different, the health of the economy fortunately not being dependant on either Chris' total bankroll of $17,38c or the 2765 play money dollars Brian (who is actually only 11) managed to accumulate thus far.

Still, even today, 100's of similar losers are using the opportunity that the game we love is in danger to make themselves look 'cool' in front of 100's of other similar losers they will never ever meet. The power of the networked world in action.

MF

Wednesday, 12 November 2008

Eastgate Victory: Danish Press Push Aside Cartoons

Melted Felt is pleased to exclusively report a monumentus decision taken yesterday - that the Danish press would cancel their anti-religious cartoon publishing for the rest of the week to make space to write stuff about 13-year-old Dane Peter Eastgate's historically delayed WSOP victory.

Munching a tasty Bacon sandwich washed down with Carlsberg our Denmark correspondant told us that he was personally very pleased indeed that he is not a German, and that the 'land of peace and smiles' would be celebrating the 60% tax on Eastgates winnings by eating a LOT of bacon, and drinking even more Carlsberg than usual.

Eastgate himself, who mentioned how proud he was not to be Swedish, admitted that after considering the traditional Danish careers of Pig-farming, brewing Carlsberg and drawing cartoons offending various relgions - he chose poker in order to follow in the footsteps of Gus Hansen, who famously looks like one of those 'Mr Potatohead' toys in which you stick plastic eyes, noses and ears to a raw potato.

Speaking to Lars Larson, editor of the biggest Danish daily newspaper 'The Your Religion Sucks Big Time Times' we found out the plans for the coverage. "Firstly I'd like to mention how good it feels not to be a depressed Finn" said Lars, continuing. "we planned a great series of anti-religeous cartoons this week in which a fleet of stinking Norwegian whalers harpooned Buddah" going on, "but in light of Peters historical victory we were thinking instead that publishing pictures of unimpressed ordinary Danes sticking out their bottom lips, turning their palms upwards and saying 'ja, of course' - now if you will excuse me my bacon and Carlsberg is waiting...".

MF

Monday, 10 November 2008

Harrah's Blame Losses On Failed Brewery Piss-up Ventures

Both the business and gambling fraternities were bewildered yesterday, Melted Felt can exclusively report - as Hurrah's, the grand-daddy of casino operations, posted a loss of $7000 trillion dollars for the 3rd quarter.

Financial Analysts, economics experts and small-stakes fixed-limit holdem players worldwide were totally baffled - since all this well known organisation actually needed to do was to take a little bit of money for each hand played - or in the case of casino gamblers simply fix the odds in their favour.

While Harrah's poined fingers at the wider economic downturn, the Melted Felt mole managed to penetrate the upper levels of their management structure, where the post-room staff told us the real story.... that the losses had come when management were given the task of starting a new division - organising piss-ups in breweries around the world.

Our informer told us that after executive training courses in which those at director level and higher had to organise an egg in a battery-chicken farm, the successful candidates were given the job of bringing together people and alcohol to make a profit. However, just like taking a small amount of money from each hand at a poker table the guys found it too fucking difficult.

Melted Felt understand that future training courses are in plan which hope to see this company return to profit... only the boss can not remember exactly what it is that they were supposed to organise at the local wh0re house....

MF

Sunday, 9 November 2008

Poker's Multi-Accounting Scandal - Queues Form

Melted Felt can sensationally reveal yet another poker exclusive yesterday, as Seal and Mr Casino become the latest confirmed cheats in a poker scandal that is mushrooming into watergatesque proportions.

We understand that groups as far ranging as The Masons, The Mafia, The Kahnawake tribe, the mormons, illuminati (who also issued a second statement denying that they exist) and of course the completely useless PPA are to issue a joint statement. This will distance them from multi-accounting and the backing of almost every decent player in the field, claiming that instituational corruption, organized crime, drug running, political scams and prostitution are all decent and well established professions - and not be be mentioned alongside the evil multi-accounters.

It seems like years ago that Zee Justin, The Void and JJ Prodigies kiddy crew were caught cheating. Our insider was able to reveal that a 'big guy' known as Derick "Bed-Linen' Faber was now behind the bankrolls of the vast majority of people who play each other at online final tables, and that this was spreading to his accomplice 'Jimmy Dax'.

We asked PokerStars to explain how the inter-account transfers and final-table appearances were monitored and controlled to prevent suspicion of softplaying... initially they responded by sending us a giant poster of Chris Moneymakers WSOP championship win. After persisting with this important line of enquiry it was made very clear to us that further attempts to gain information would be met by a lot more of these posters... a very scary prospect indeed.

MF

Thursday, 6 November 2008

McCain - "Lets Settle This Heads-Up'

As the dust settles in a presidential election - in which millions of people pretended they had not seen the polls and acted surprised at the result - some bitterness in the republican camp still remains, Melted Felt is pleased to exclusively report yesterday.

While John McCain was all humility, smiles and self-blame on the podium - even congratulating Obama by telephone. We have actually seen the text transcript from the chat-box at the election 50c / $1 No-Limit table in which a very different picture was clear for all to see...

Not only did the bitter McCain accuse Barak Obama of being a fish, card-rack, luck-box and fortunate fool on no less than 36 separate occasions - he even challenged his opponent to a $5 / $10 heads-up match to 'sort the men from the boys' after losing a big pot to a flopped full house.

Our Stars insider was actually able to reveal that McCain has less than the 20 blind minimum buy-in for this level, after spending all of his budget trying to convince the American public that Obama supported abortion in gay marriages.

Blushes were actually spared when the heads-up challenge was turned down, with Obama typing that he would like to be inclusive - however the McCain camp was quick to claim victory, noting that even though Barak has totally outplayed him at both 'No-Limit Texas Holdem' and 'Getting Elected As President'... the fact that he was not willing to play heads-up at ten times his usual buy-in proves beyond doubt that he is a fish.

MF

Tuesday, 4 November 2008

Shock As Sharkscope Ban PokerStars

The great unwashed denizens of the online poker world were in shock yesterday, Melted Felt can exclusively report - after Sharkscope, the online database of Sit N Go tournament results, decided to add PokerStars to its ' banned ' list.


Sharkscope were forced to take the unprecidented step after it was revealed that players were using PokerStars accounts to search for their own names in some ego-congratulatory virtuo-narcisistic graph-fetish*

*were gonna damn well copywright that one too

"It was getting too much", confided a Sharkscope insider, "These spotty kids were playing on Stars all day and using all of their 5 free searches on their own screen-names, once a-fucking-hour". Continuing, "We considered limiting the searches for PokerStars players, but the risks were just too high - it would only take 1 player with a subscription after all to ego-search all his 6-max colluding mates in one go".

The big question left by the banning of Stars is how poker forum strategy arguments are to be settled in the future. With posters unable to say 'well, my sharkscope graph is bigger than your dad, erm, no - your graph' we will be left in a difficult spot when it comes to the discussion of hands and poker strategy situations. The big concern is that reasoned argument might have to be used instead, which would absolutely ruin the childishly arrogant ambiance of many of the popular forums.

We asked a spokesman from PokerStars how they reacted to being banned by Sharkscope - however they were only able to look up from counting their HUGE piles of money for long enough to give us an assurance that Full Tilt Poker really really is shite.

MF

Monday, 3 November 2008

Obama denies ties to PLO spokesman, has never even played Omaha

With just hours to go before the 'Worlds Greatest Democracy*' goes to the polls to choose a new ant, Melted Felt can bring you the last in our cutting line of election specials! We are honored to bring you a guest post from Shamus - who helps us shed light on what exactly Obama did and did not deny, yesterday.


In a statement issued on Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama’s website, the Obama campaign resolutely denied Republican VP candidate Sarah Palin’s “ugly assertions**” regarding Obama’s relationship with former neighbor Rashid Khalidi. Khalidi, a leading scholar of Middle Eastern studies at Columbia University , has denied accusations that he once acted as a PLO spokesperson in the 70s and 80s.

Khalidi, whom Palin described as an “associate” of Obama’s in a campaign speech at Bowling Green , Ohio on Wednesday, has refused further comment “until this idiot wind passes.”

In its statement, the Obama campaign characterized the charges as “another recycled, manufactured controversy from the McCain campaign to distract voters’ attention from John McCain’s lockstep support for George Bush’s economic policies.” The statement goes on to point out that not only is the characterization of Obama and Khalidi’s relationship false, “Senator Obama has never even played PLO” or pot-limit Omaha, a variant of Texas Hold’em currently gaining favor among online poker players in several battleground states.

The statement concludes its rebuttal by pointing out that “PLO was not even invented until the early 1980s, making it highly unlikely anyone could be a spokesperson for the game the decade before.”

No comment as yet from the Obama campaign regarding a recent 527-group funded ad accusing Senator Obama of having played several games of low limit Razz in late 1996 during his first term as an Illinois state senator.

MF

* - Of course the rest of the world knows full well that only around 20% of those who could vote actually do... actually making it the world's 47th greatest democracy, but hey - keep saying it and it might come true.

** - The Melted Felt opinion is that those 'assertations' are the ugliest of them all... yikes!

Friday, 31 October 2008

November 9 Boredom Diminished By 'Saw-5' Ideas

Back from a few technical issues - Melted Felt is pleased to bring you another excellent guest post from the Wolffman. We are always happy to receive your ideas / posts at support@sngplanet.com and will publish the good ones!



In a surprising turn of events, and to drum up more interest for the November 9, Harrah's has signed a partner deal for a tie in with the upcoming movie Saw V. In a fight to the finish along the style of the first 4 movies, players of the final table will be placed in to life threatening situations, with the real possibility of death during play.

With interest waning on the November WSOP final table, Harrah's felt that the movie tie-in would bring the fans back to the table, death does sell, along with the youngsters who are looking for blood and guts. It has been rumoured, but not officially confirmed, that the first person out will be fed to the beautiful white Tigers of Siegfried and Roy's Magic Garden.

As play proceeds, players will be placed in to numerous devices of torture with injury coming faster as they delay on calling or folding a hand. WSOP officials say that this "will speed up play tremendously!", with some saying that this could be a record for a quick finish to a final table.

The final two players will be tied together at the wrists with a 5 foot cord, and forced in to a battle to the death while playing their cards. Players will be able to jab and cut their opponent while play goes on, but Harrah's officials say that no death blows will be allowed, and anyone cutting off an opponent's limb(s) will be forced in to a 5 minute penalty. This could be fatal as blinds and antes could hit the offending party severely. Should a player kill his opponent he will be immediately disqualified, and the winnings given to the deceased player's next of kin.

When asked, many of today's top players are elated that they did not make this final table, and feel that next years WSOP Main Event will not have as large a field. Harrah's management has said that this is just a trial, and should it prove successful, future year's Final tables will have other movie promotional tie ins.

MF

Thursday, 30 October 2008

Online Poker Record Broken As 11 Players See Every Flop

In yet another sensational exclusive, Melted Felt is pleased to bring you the following report, in which a 10 seated table of loose / passive donks managed to break several online poker records during a session yesterday... with 11 of the 10 players seeing every flop!

Titan Poker, the home of the loosest games online, were actually unable to explain this statistical anomoly - though they did not try to deny it. The 10c / 25c No-limit game featured players from many countries notorious for their terrible poker players including The Netherlands, France, Italy and the UK*

*If it appears Melted Felt have inadvertantly forgotten to insult your home country please check the archives, we know full well that your lot have one leg shorter than the other and so can not stop yourselves walking around in fucking circles.

At the same time as never folding 'before those cards in the middle came along' (because anyone can get 2 pairs), the passive donks broke a second world record for the largest number of mini-raises of 2 times the big blind. Of course all 11 of the 10 players also called these, meaning that the pot was fairly large pre-flop in comparison to their minimum buy-in stacks....

Unfortunately for the newbies on this record breaking table even flopping the nuts rarely won more than one more bet - after all checking every street with the stone cold nuts only to min-bet and get called on the river makes you look really cool.

MF

Tuesday, 28 October 2008

Shock As Elk Wins WPT Festa Al Lago

The poker world was in shock yesterday, Melted Felt is pleased to exclusively report, after an Elk won the latest World Poker Tour event - the Festa Al Lago at The Bellagio - for a cool $1.4 million.

The animal, closely related to the European Moose and certain species of large red deer was out muching grass as we went to press... fortunately, our insider game us the scoop.

First, we asked a WPT official how an Elk was actually permitted to enter the prestigeous $10k buy-in event.He was actually too busy crying over his near-worthless stock options to give us an especially coherent reply - it turns out that anyone with a spare ten grand can come in, regardless of whether they sport 1 meter long multi-pronged and reasonably sharp antlers.

What was more confusing was how the actions of this Elk were deciphered by the dealers...

Here a clever system was put into place using signals: Any rucking (or behavior which suggested a will to ruck) was counted as a raise, as was shitting those odd dry black balls on the Bellagio floor. When an oppoent raised a rifle was set - if this resulted in immediate fleet-footed escape through the blackjack pit then the Elk was deemed to have folded - yet if it carried on chewing grass it was deemed to have simply called.

Other than a 2-round penalty issued for giving the tournament director ticks, things went pretty smoothy on the Elk's way to victory... our understanding is that the WPT organisation will allow bears, marsupials includung Kangaroos and possibly even komodo-dragons into the 2009 event... if this all goes smoothly they may even considering letting French players participate in the 2010 event.

MF

Monday, 27 October 2008

Election Special #3 - Doyle Brunson Admits Obama Not The Anti-Christ

In a sensational piece of socio-political blogging veteran poker player Doyle Brunson has completely ruled out Barak Obama being the Anti-Christ... though he left the question of his being a Muslim and associating with terrorists wide open.

Blogging for the internets Cardplayer site, Bruson used a fantastic chain of logic and reasoning to convince himself that Obama was not in fact the devil incarnate - since he does not come from Germany, which was apparently part of the Roman empire (!).

Doyle then went on to show his intellectual prowess by stating that Iran and Iraq were part of that same Roman Empire, that the banks alone and not political mismanagement or even a little individual greed were responsible for the current financial problems, and that the 'old school' games where tournaments started with just 17 people were tougher than todays big events...

Well, thanks Doyle, you may be a poker legend, but your fantasic blog post shows well and truly deserve to be secretary of defense (specifically against the anti-christ) in McCain's government, erm, no, wait....

Check out the original post - Doyle you are more than welcome to write for Melted Felt any time, we are simply not capable of being even close to this funny!

Brunson The Anti-Christ

MF

Sunday, 26 October 2008

60 Minutes Poker Scandal Lost As Clocks Go Back



Melted Felt can today exclusively reveal that the real reason that the '60 Minutes' episode exposing poker's biggest scandals was not aired, as expected, on the 23rd October... leaving the general public in the dark about the twin poker scandals of the UB Super-Users and AP's infamous Pot-Ripper.

Speculation has been mounting that some VIs, Mafiosi and Goons of Kahnawake Big Chief Money-Launderer had mounted a legal challenge, harrassed and generally left horses heads in the bed of the 60 minutes production team.

The documentary - as with all of them - was carefully designed to make the reasonably stupid masses feel sighly smarter than they really are. Our insider has told us the real reason why this was not aired as planned... the clocks going back accidentally deleted a whole hour of television programming.

Producers of 60 minutes were unavailable for comment on exactly when the show would be aired... since they were all logged on to the highest stakes cash games on UB raking in the money. After all - it is quite easy to do when you can see all of your opponents hole cards...

MF

Wednesday, 22 October 2008

Gay Online Poker Player Concerned About 'Tells'

In another shocking exclusive we bring you the amazing story of closet gay poker-fan Daniel, from MA. Several suspicious circumstances have lead Daniel to believe that he is being watched by foreign intelligence agencies - who are leaking personal information about his sexual orientation to all of his opponents at the poker tables and forums online.

The first hint that something was up came when limp-wristed Danny managed to get all-in with a pair of 4's against a pair of kings on Poker Stars. Immediately our shirt-lifting friend rivered a 4 to win the pot the chat box was filled with astoundingly accurate information about his sexual practices (though fortunately they missed out the stuff about the hamster in mini-scuba gear)

Just days later after posting on the internet's most hate-filled forum - Pocket 5's - our mincing fairie's request as to whether his 10,871,533% ROI was sustainable was met with yet more uncannily accurate information on his preference for muscular, bearded mature men rather than the pretty ladies.

Since then this same pattern has emerged no less than 17 times, usually when an opponent who has no clue about post-flop play loses a pot with the 'best' pre-flop hand.

We asked our village-people listening interviewee whether he intends to take any action against those commiting the hate-crimes against him... however he was unable to answer as he had popped out to meet George Micheal in the local public toilets...

MF

Tuesday, 21 October 2008

International Hunt For WSOP Main Event Interest Begun

In a last minute frenzy, Hurrah's entertainment are scouring the entire world - Melted Felt can exclusively report - leaving no rock unturned in the quest to find someone who actually gives a flying fu*k about the so called 'November Nobodies' erm, no, we mean 'Nine'.

This will not be an easy quest as the final table os this years WSOP actually clashes with international watching paint dry week and the all-American grass growing convention.

We asked previous winner, super nice-guy and all-round poker ambassador Chris Moneymaker whether having all those big piles of money made up for being pug ugly, and challenged him to name any of the line up for the big November showdown... however the best he could do was point out that one of them has a beard.

Do you know anyone who gives a sh1t about the Main event? Let us know by mowing the word 'Yes' into your lawn and then having an aerial photo taken, we look foward to seeing you in Vegas for the world waiting for the kettle to boil championships.

MF

Sunday, 19 October 2008

Judge Wingate Calls For More Time For Hospitality, Bribes

In another Melted Felt exclusive (see a pattern yet??) we can sensationally reveal the real reasons for the extended hearing allocated in the Kentucky Poker Ban case.

This case revolves around the attempted siezure of 140 internet gambling domains by the state of Kentuckie's governer, who is in the pocket of the local horse-racing barrons after losing his shirt when a 'sure-thing' went lame.

In addition to the 140 gambling domains, Ultimate Bet are included in the list - this one looks like a normal poker site but is actually a carefully designed 'device' used to part unsuspecting gamblers from their money (so we can see how the Kentucky authorities got mixed up).

With the totally ineffective PPA doing their usual routine, the Kentucky authorities actually only needed a random kid who studied a short course on 'how courts work' at high school to successfully represent them.

In his final summing up, Judge Wingate said that while he appreciated the sports hospitality package, the Mercedies Coupe and family vacation provided by the Horse lobby, he found that the Poker groups offer of 3500 Full Tilt points were rather insulting - being just about enough for a stress ball or logo baseball cap.

Ruling that the case will be heard on the 17th November should provide plenty of time for the poker lobby to get their bribes in order... and the dead canary in the post should make certain that the ruling favors the horses...

We look forward to reporting the outcome here at your trusted source of poker news.

MF

Thursday, 16 October 2008

Election Special #2 - Would Barak Obama Be Good For Internet Poker?

In the second of our exclusive online poker news election specials, Melted Felt is pleased to clear up a mystery for poker playing voters throughout the US... what the fu(k is Barak Obama's stance on Online Poker anyway??

Of course, as usual when an election approaches, the candidates themselves get a little busy shaking hands (with other people, not just shaking their own hands around) and throwing insults.

Fortunately, the Melted Felt mole managed to penetrate deep within the Obama press room heirarchy and sent us the following concise report on exactly what Barak stands for:

- That online poker is undoubtedly a game of skill in which the experts have a huge edge over the fish, and thus should be immediately banned as gambling.

- That poker companies should be regulated and welcomed into the taxation system where they would contribute to the wider economy, and thus should be immediately banned, blocked and their CEOs chemically castrated.

- That playing poker online is part of every American's constitutional right to spend their money on whatever liesure activities they wish, thus online poker should be banned immediately.

- Concerned parents should definitely vote for Obama, as he plans to provide an on-call baby sitting service for when you go deep in a tournament and the little brats start screaming, or something.

- Other concerned parents should also vote for Obama, since under his presidency, anyone caught playing poker online will be sent to boot camp for correctional training, bible reading lessons and coaching in the dangers of playing easily dominated hands in early position.

Well, that has clarified that then (maybe).

MF

Madge: It Was The Poker Or Me...

In a sensational Melted Felt exclusive we can reveal the cold hard truth behind yesterdays announcement by her royal Madgeness (aka Madonna) that Hubby Guy Ritchie is to be given the boot!

Speculation as the reasons for the divorce includuded usual reasons including looking at other womens asses, alledged emotional immaturity, internet p0rn, leaving coffee cup rings on the living room table and the infamous 'its not you - it's me' routine - which women still believe works, even though men figured it out as long ago as the 15th century.

As it turns out the real reason for the big divorce was internet poker. Brit Ritchie apparently opened an account with Party Poker some 6 months ago - and after getting his poker feet wet with some 50c / $1 fixed-limit holdem, was preparing to take a shot at satellites to the bigger buy-in Sunday tournaments.

According to our insider Guy's addiction to the beautiful game was obviously putting a strain on their relationship. "Yeah" said 2 foot tall Malcom - hired to file down the legs of tables and chairs "Madge would come home and ask for Guy to get ready for the MTV awards, where she was booked to show the world her fat thighs before receiving a lifetime achievement award - and Guy would be, like, 'sure honey, as soon as I finish this set of Sit N Goes' "

This made midget Maddy mad - especially as the star studded evenings would always feature boring tales of 'you'll never believe what they called at the bubble with' " continued our insider man. "Ritchie just played when he could at first, but was later determined to give up his lucrative and successful film directing career to 'take a shot' at making a living from the game he loved - working out that by 6-tabling NL holdem he could retire in 3 years time just on the rakeback alone'.

The final straw came when Ritchie - fed up with getting a hard time - took away the box that his wife used to stand on to see over the edge of the desk.

MF

Monday, 13 October 2008

UN To Add 'Bad Beat Stories' To List Of Crimes Against Humanity

Back from vacation, Melted Felt can today bring you a sensational poker exclusive direct from the corridoors of international power... Ban Ki-Moon, somewhat bored with the lack of crimes against humanity these days has added telling too many bad-beat stories to the list.

Expanding the role of the UN was not taken lightly according to our insider, "well, it was triggered by the lack of genocides recently" said our man, "with ethnic clensing only happening every 10 years or so, we are left having meetings and checking our finger nails for small particles of dirt on a day-to-day basis".

"bad-beat stories seemed a natural area for the UN to police" our insider continued, "the global nature of people being bored to tears by poker playing friends or relations with stories which start 'well, I raised pre-flop....' and end 'on the river' is reaching epidemic proportions" going on, "while we do not have any direct evidence at this point, the UN is considering a large scale study to establish just how many people are actually bored to death by bad-beat stories on a weekly basis".

"Of course, we'd prefer some insane dictator to exterminate tens of thousands of innocent people in the most gruesome way possible - but hey, what can you do?"

MF

Wednesday, 8 October 2008

Election Special #1 - Palin Softens Stance On Online Poker

In the first of several election specials in the run up to the 08 election - Melted Felt are happy to bring you exclusive news that Alaskan Sarah Palin has softened her stance when it comes to online poker in a last ditch attempt to woo voters.

Palin, who famously uses politics as an outlet for her bitterness and anger at never having achieved an orgasm, has always been a hardliner when it comes to playing poker online.

Previously Sarah advocated public flogging, the amputation of hands and ultimately castration - for 1st, 2nd and 3rd offence respectively - with random punishment for close family members for players who thought a-7 off was a good hand to play UTG at a full table.

After consultation with McCain the collective republican stance has softened in a bid to woo the 20-odd percent of potential voters who manage to get off of their fat asses on election day to mark their ballot paper. Melted Felt's insider can reveal the proposed schedule of punishments ahead of the presidential PLO heads-up showdown later this week:

1) Punishment for 1st offence or mild crimes like those who accuse players pushing all-in with 7 BB stacks of playing 'bingo'. 30 Hours community service picking litter wearing a bright pink junp-suit with 'Degen' stamped on the back.

2) 2nd offence or medium poker crimes like constantly limping behind with aces and then whining when they get outdrawn. A years attendance at Gamblers Anonymous followed by a purification ceremony at the local happy-lappy church.

3) 3rd Offence, or severe poker crimes like complaining that the fish are impossible to beat so you'll move up levels to where people respect your raises. Life imprisonment without parole... after all do we really need these whiners in society??

Palin certainly gets our vote - shame about those orgasms though.

MF

Monday, 6 October 2008

Duplicate Poker Find Easy Excuse To Close At Last

Novely poker site Duplicate Poker abruptly closed yesterday. In a shocking exclusive, Melted Felt can today reveal that the reasons given were just one of many considered by this doomed 'poker' site.

Duplicate Poker blamed the 'Global Financial Situation' for their closure. Anyone with half a brain-cell will know that this refers to the lack of big piles of cash to cover their losses. But what of the other excuses considered?? Our insider gave us the full list...

1) My dog ate the server. The old classic is a little harder to believe in this day and age, however it was considered on the basis that - as long as some reason is given -most people do not give a fu(k anway.

2) Admitting that their product was a sh1te novelty game that most people tried with the free cash, got bored with very fast and then never went back to until the next free-bee was given out. This one was rejected for being, erm, well, the truth

3) Blame Russ Hamilton... after all, it would only take a kilo of coke or so to get the KGC to implicate him in Duplicate Poker too...

4) I have a headache.. yeah, the game looks great - especially in that expensive new dress you brought just last week, but everytime you log on to play for an evening, it suddenly has a headache.

5) Full Tilt Poker is Sh1te*

MF

* This last 'excuse' was sponsored by Poker Stars (TM)

Friday, 3 October 2008

Exclusive: Kenny Rogers To Join Team PokerStars

Now and again Melted Felt bring you a story soooo exclusive, that it sticks in your head for f-ing days and annoys your friends, family and possibly even pets too... and any story mentioning Kenny Rodger's 'The Gambler' is bound to fit that category.

If anyone thinks that they do not know 'The Gambler', well they are just plain wrong, the link below will prove it... ahhhhh that song.

Dont Click It - You'll Be Humming 'Know When to Fold 'em' For A Week

As mentioned at MF before, PokerStars staff are obliged to sing the 'Full Tilt Is Sh1t' song at least 5 times daily as part of their employment contract. What we did not mention is that this is actually to the tune of 'The Gambler' (well, the chorus at least).

Today we reveal a double-whammy of exclusive online poker info from our Stars insider... not only will Kenny be joining team Stars - they will be releasing an ammended version of the country-and-western great as a publicity stunt, and hope to reach number #1 in the charts in time for xmas.... a coup!

The Full Tilt Is Sh1t Song

You got to know full tilt fake'em, know they will break 'em
the site is run by morons with a dodgy RN-GGGGG
You never count your money when your sittin at the table
coz you'll be six-feet under before the cashouts done

You got to know full tilt red pros, have 5 accounts each
know when your playing there your chances are-a-slim
you never count your money when in the Full Tilt cashier
coz by the time that you receive it, your eyesight will be dim

You got to know data-miners are sucking up your hist-ry
that bots and other programs are taking all your cash
you never count your money when you bet before the river
coz before that card it hits the felt the client's bound to crashhhh

MF

Thursday, 2 October 2008

WSOPE Final Table Lineup - Exclusive Preview

As the World Series Of Poker Europe gets to the final table, Melted Felt bring you a unique run-down of the contenders. Unsurprisingly, London's most presigeous tournament has seen Brits completely dominating the last 9. What is somewhat more surprising is that more than half of them are actually dead...


In our exlusive WSOPE Final Table Lineup preview we show the contenders, their chip counts and, erm, some other stuff.

Seat #1 - 210,000 Chips, Winston Churchill. Never in the course of poker history have so many chips been owed to so few by so many, Turns out Winny is a bit of a calling station... still Charles de Gaulle can always claim it as his own victory when the fighting is over.

Seat #2 = 185,000 Chips, ET The Extra-Terrestrial, After a lengthy enquiry when Mark Seif called the tournament director to check if aliens were allowed when facing a big river bet he did not want to call - it turned out that this was actually a case of mistaken identity - seat #2 was actually occupied by David Beckham's hideous and talentless wife Victoria.

Seat #3 - 1,200,000 Chips, Bond - James Bond, After saving the world from evil Russian oligarchs on 3 separate occasions during lunch breaks our licenced to kill agent has the current chip lead with 1.2 million. This is, of course, the real Bond... not to be mixed up with the slightly above average online player who writes well - Bond18.

Seat #4 - 525,000 Chips, King Henry The VIIIth, Somehow managed to win a big pot with 5 queens during the early rounds and has never looked back. Apparently thinks the pope is a big poofter and will take him on any f-ing day.

Seat #5 - 200,000 Chips. Sherlock Holmes, Totally strung up on Opium the UK's best known detective is a master hand reader, elementary my dear poker players.

Seat #6 - 666,666 Chips, Lady Thatcher, The now-demented former Iron Lady may be known at the tables for her frightening stare-down... however she actully accumulated those chips by playing those 'pretty suited ones', bless.

Seat #7 - 400,000 Chips, Sir Mick Jagger, managed to accumulate a big stack by continually threatening opponents with making another music video with David Bowie if they did not fold... people recalled that 2 men in their 40's Dancing in the Street was sooo horrible that they mucked their hands rather than suffering the same from men in their 60's.

Seat #8 - 800,000 Chips, Sir Francis Drake, famous for kicking the living sh1t out of the Spanish Armada, Drakey has promised to spend some of his winnings on supplying the current Spanish Navy with a glass bottomed boat... which should give them a nice clear view of the last Spanish Navy.

Seat #9 - 1 Chip - Tony Blair - Smart cookie and renouned bible basher Blair is desperately holding onto his last chip. He actually dumped the rest of his stack onto some bloke called Gordon Brown - just as the sh1t was about to hit the fan.

MF

Wednesday, 1 October 2008

Exclusive: KGC Ground Hamilton

In an exclusive report, Melted Felt can bring you news that we now know something that was completely obvious for a long time - officially!

Yes, Russ Hamilton - famous for cheating on UB, actually cheated on UB... at least according to the mafia, erm, oops, we mean Kahnawake Drug Dealing Corporation, no, hang on Gaming - that was it - g-a-m-i-n-g.

Phew.

In an unprecidented public handout of punishment from an organisation who like to dish out their 'punishments' in very private circumstances the KGC have handed down the following severe punishment for Russ;

- He is to be grounded for 2 weeks and will be sent to his room directly after supper.

- During this period his pocket money will be docked from $3.75c per week to $2.25c and may not be used to purchase sweets.

- Russ is legally obliged to knock on the door of Mrs Crabtree down the road, apologise for egging her car and is to offer to mow her lawns - front and back.

The new 'get tough' stance from Big-Chief-Money-Launder has caused ripples throughout the online poker world, one insider was quoted as saying, "Why do we need a KGC license again?'... and was found mysteriously dead the next morning with the pipe of peace brutally shoved where the sun don't shine.

Ultimate Bet themselves have not escaped punishment over the scandal. They have been ordered to pay $1.5 million in cash to the Kahnawake tribe... though apparently the equivalent in used AK47s or Eastern European wh0res would also be perfectly acceptable.

MF

PS: Please read our 'big girly disclaimer' before sending the goons round.

Monday, 29 September 2008

Shock As Intellipoker Dominate Sunday Million Final Table

The online poker world was in a state of shock last night, Melted Felt can exclusively report, as players showing the Intellipoker avatar took all 9 seats of the final table of the Poker Stars Sunday Million.


Battling their way through a huge field made up of online and live poker pros, cash game experts and tournament regulars the 'Intellipoker 9' called and called and called until every chip was in their hands...

(Editor - Stop, yes you the writer - stop that right now.... this story has gone too far, this blog is supposed to be poker satire... not poker farce)

MF

Friday, 26 September 2008

Party Poker Open New Front In Ugly Baby Photo War

Party Poker have layed down the gauntlet, issued a challenge and will be ready at dawn with pistol drawn - as the online poker site war of ugly baby photos escalates to unprecidented heights, Melted Felt can exclusively report (yesterday).

The ability to upload your own personal image to the new Party Poker software client has thousands of European, Canadian and Russian parents of butt-ugly babies hovering over the 'upload button' ready to share their wrinked pink gremlinesque offspring's visage with the unsuspecting world.

Poker Stars, home of 10's of 1000's of ugly photos is not going to take the new challenge lying down... in between choruses of the 'Full Tilt is Sh1t' song which Stars staff are contractually obliged to sing 5 times daily (while facing east) our contact said the following.

"Ha, if Party think they are going to out-baby photo Stars then they have another thing coming" said our insider "we plan the biggest and best deployment of litterally millions of fat and revoltingly ugly baby photos by offering double points for the loose / passive calling stations who upload them" going on to day "While we understand that every parent thinks their baby is somehow beautiful while the rest are not we will encourage a reality check by making all players in the $1 Million Turbo Baby-Photo Takedown click a disclaimer which says in BIG WRITING 'yes, I do accept that my offspring is so stomach-churningly ugly that they should permanently wear a paper-bag'.

Party were unable to comment on baby photos as we went to press today. They did, however, assure us that any players uploading pictures of their cat would be instantly doomswitched,

MF

 
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