Wednesday, 7 August 2013

Full Tilt Remission Issues Solved, By Their Cousin.

Melted Felt is happy to be able to bring some exclusive news to those US players waiting years for a remission  from Full Tilt Poker - the issues have been temporarily resolved with the help of Bill, Full Tilt Poker's cousin.

After a seemingly endless string of finger pointing, lame exuses and squeeky voiced CS reps confidently saying 'It will be with you tomorrow, honest' the truth of the matter has finally emerged. The Feds are sitting rifling through your tax returns, your mom's credit card statements and full details of all 7 of your account - and they are ready to send you the money, well, sort of.

Here is how the Full Tilt bankroll remission process will work:

You see, it turned out that, while Full Tilt owed you $10,000, Full Tilt's cousin, Bill, owed them that exact same amount... so, it like totally makes sense for to save the administration, and just have Bill owe you the $10k - right?

There are a couple of very small problems.

One is that Bill does not particularly like exactly the sort of spotty, greasy, skinny math geeks who built up bankrolls on FTP in the first place. He is a self-proclaimed ladies man, and simply does not believe that calling someone a 'retard' in a chat box anonymously, from 500 miles away is any way for a real man to behave.

Secondly, Bill might not actually have the cash with him, as in on his person, right now... I mean, he does have it, safe and sound, ready to hand over my good friend, ready for you. It's just at his friend Paul's house, across town, and well, Paul just got a short stretch in the lockup, and his girl, she is not too fond of Bill at all, no sir.

Don't worry though, the official Federally administered process of getting what you are owed back from Full Tilt Poker's cousin still stands. There is an official form to fill in for exactly this eventuality, you just need to get it signed and then witnessed by your state tax office.

What Did Full Tilt Say?

We asked Full Tilt why they passed everyones money to their cousin - a completely imaginary spokesman  replied that "It clearly states in the Terms and Conditions signed by all players who join that we can change the terms and conditions whenever the f*ck we like" adding "we added clause 12.B.ii.a just the other day, stating that any money owed can be passed to our cousin for safekeeping" and "Paul will be out of prison in only 6 months and will sort everyone's money out then, assuming his girlfriend did not suspect that the huge box marked 'Cash For Full Tilt Remissions' in their lounge was actually full of money...".

Asked whether they planned to offer any payout options which did not involve their cousin, Full Tilt replied that they were looking closely into wrapping your deposits in slightly moldy out of date bacon and tossing it to a pack of stray dogs.


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