Sunday, 29 June 2008

Iran Introduces Hanging For Slowrollers

In an attempt to regain some respect in the international community Iran yesterday began cleaning up its online poker playing community by hanging 'slowrollers'.

Firooz, pictured left (known online as BigShark1234) made a royal flush on the river in a 2c / 4c fixed limit holdem game and was found guilty of waiting until his opponent capped the river before typing 'hmmmm, think I might fold' into the chat box and then calling.

Shaheen, about to be strung up on the right (online moniker - Funky99Aces) was found guilty of the lesser crime of pre-flop slowrolling, using up his timebank in the 50 / 100 blind level of a $5 SNG before calling his opponents all in while holding Ace-Ace.

As the crane lifted them, and the weight of the slowrollers bodies caused them to painfully die, we asked the Iranian commissioner for online poker what message he was trying to send in this unprededented - yet very welcome - execution?

"The funds confiscated are to be used for entirely peaceful purposes such as building large nuclear weapons for internal civilian use only" Sheik InSte-v-En's said, adding "well there was nothing much on the telly, and hangings are a cost-effective way of entertaining a lot of people".

Asked on the future of online poker in Iran the Sheik denied that Iran had any capability to play such a game and delared that any poker played was for play money only, adding that Iran had every right to play $50 / $100 pot-limit-omaha regardless of what the American dogs did - and that the inclusion of baby-pictures as pokerstars icons was now just cause for Fatwa.


Thursday, 26 June 2008

PPA Upbeat On Donations As HR 5767 Defeated

In another blow to American online poker players the latest bill covering prevention of the impliementation of the completely unimplementable UIGEA will not be implemented after all.

The bill codenamed HR5767 not only contained some big words, it had the support of someone who once had no hope of becoming president - but stood anyway.

It was soundly defeated when a republican senitor conveyed a heart-felt story of how online poker players are drug-addled work-shy teenagers who need to be protected from their own tendencies to call all-ins at the bubble of SNGs without the required dollar equity and then call the initial raiser a fish.

Melted Felt yesterday spoke to John Pappas, exectutive director of the Poker Players Alliance (PPA) the lobby group decidated to raising funds in support of free endeavors to legalise online poker.

Speaking from his private beach on an exclusive caribbean island, Pappas expressed optimism for the future despite the failure of the latest bill, "with over 1 million members with the potential to donate cash, the PPA is in a better position than ever to support any free initiatives that come up in the fight for online poker" said Pappas, between puffs on his premium quality Cuban cigar. "All donations to the PPA contibute to the many efforts we are making to ensure that our personal freedom to play online poker is upheld, none of which cost a penny".

Having recently returned from Washington in his private jet, Pappas was in a perfect place to tell us exactly how the hearing of HR5767 went. 'Well, badly on the surface of course" continuing, "the key to the political process is more donations to the PPA - and soon. Our ability to be completely ineffective while indulging in every imaginable personal luxuary is directly related to the donations of our members".

Our interview was unfortunately cut short by John's appointment on the golf course, as he stepped into his brand-new PPA sponsored Ferrari - Pappas left us with the following, "We at the PPA believe that the future of online poker is very bright, with a number of free initiatives in the pipeline over a number of years - ensuring the maximum time for further donations"


Quest For Online Screen-Name Ends In Disaster

Not wishing to leave a story alone while there is still even the remotest crumb of (alledged) humor to be squeezed* out of it, Melted Felt yesterday caught up with Graham, the wannabe poker pro who was having trouble finding a suitable Poker-Stars screen name in this post Screen-Name TeddyKGB In Use

* You ever tried squeezing a crumb? well, have you?

Anyway, as expected the 1391 variations of 'Nate Dog' were also gone. What we did not expect is the shambles of a mess that Graham would get himself in along with his oh-so-easily-impressed-buddy Mick.

It started when Graham had yet another flash of original inspiration - spotting the humorous connection between 'Poker' and 'Poke-Her'. This alone caused a slow but unstoppable spray of soda to spring from our South Florida waiter's mouth. When Mick then pointed out that the combination of '4' and 'King' in a poker name would sound like 'f*cking' the soda actually started coming from Grahams nose... then disaster struck, 'Jack-King-Off' popped into our teenage gamblers mind just as he was discreatly passing some wind and he went right ahead and shat himself.

At this point in procedings Grahams mom entered the room to see what all the noise was about and found her son writhing on the floor with a foaming mouth and sh*t coming out of his pants - then looked up to see Poker Stars on the PC screen and her credit card popped up ready on the keyboard... oops.

Right, back to squeezing crumbs.


Wednesday, 25 June 2008

WSOP Chaos As Gus Hansen's Ears Run Amok!

The Rio was thrown into chaos last night as Gus Hansen's ears went on a three hour rampage through the WSOP preliminaries, Melted Felt can exclusively reveal.

Knocking over chips, turning up hole-cards and generally making a nuicance of themselves, Hansen's ears were asked to leave the gaming area on no less than 3 occasions by the floor.

However, when they scuttled up the trouser leg of a dealer causing a collapse just as a crucial flop was being dealt the situation took on a far more serious tone.

The local police department and FBI were called, sealing off the building while a table-to-table search was made. Gus' ears were eventually cornered in the buffett where they were having an impromtu fight with the live lobsters.

Commenting on the decision to bring in Rentokil to finish the job, a Rio's spokesman said "While we have been monitoring Phil Ivey's wierd looking chin, Greg Raymer's flappy neck and Mike Matesows Man-Boobs for a while now - we completely mis-judged the threat from Gus' lug-holes"

Asked for his comments on the way to the Las Vagas municipal lost animal pound to retrieve his ears Gus Hansen relied, "Eh?"


Tuesday, 24 June 2008

You Really Clicked?

You really fucking clicked didn't you... well, while you are here why not vote in our poll -->


Monday, 23 June 2008

Disappointment For Internet 1st Timer As Username TeddyKGB In Use

Logging on to play online poker for the first time lead to severe disapointment yesterday for Graham - a wannabe poker pro from South Florida.

During the creation if his first pokerstars account Graham had the highly original idea of using TeddyKGB as his on-line moniker. To his shock and suprise that the name was already in use - meaning that one other had beaten him to the punch on this occasion.

Undaunted, Graham, who planned to make $5k a month from the $137.25c he had saved from his waitering job, tried a couple of 'smart' variations including 'Teddy_KGB' and 'KGBTeddy' without any luck.

5 hours and 2946 unsuccessful attempts later the penny-dropped... maybe TeddyKGB was not such an original idea after all. Luckily for Graham he had a backup plan - time to enter 'Nate Dog' instead.


Friday, 20 June 2008

Absolute Poker Announce New Head Of Security

In a daring effort to regain the trust of the online poker community after the PR disaster that was the 'PotRipper' scandal - Absolute Poker today unveiled Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe as their new head of security, Melted Felt can exclusively reveal.

Favorite to win the post ever since AP found out that Pol Pot was dead, Mugabe has revealed that he is keen to bring his own brand of 'security' to the beleagured poker site to compliment the processes already in place.

These are said to include:

- A special collusion deterent force of (drunk) machete-wielding 'war veterans' who will be dispatched to your house if you get caught chip-dumping.
- A new scheme in which the high-rollers will have part of their bankrolls 're-distributed' to the fish for the greater good of the player community.
- Special 'Zimbabwe Blind Schedules' for MTTs in which the blinds have inflation of over 1000%
- A task force who will burn players who object to any of these changes alive in their own homes

'While Robert's security enhancements seem far-ranging, we are sure that they will bring much needed trust to our completely bent software' a spokesman said yesterday, a second spokesman then completely denied that Robert Mugabe had ever played at AP while a 3rd spokesman squarely blamed the previous owners...


Thursday, 19 June 2008

Shock As Intellipoker Player Folds Before River

Melted Felt can today exclusively reveal the shocking story of Klaus, an 18 year old German poker enthusiast and member of IntelliPoker - who managed to find the 'Fold' button.

Until 4:26pm yesterday Klaus had followed the normal IntelliPoker system of playing in an ultra-loose, ultra-passive style which had the dual effect of losing money and completely baffling opponents. When, out of the blue, he had the overwhelming urge to use the fold button before the river betting was complete.

"It was like ein religious experience" said Klaus after we tracked him down bagging a deck-chair in Majorca at 6am, continuing "Das flop wass 7-8-9 auf Hearts, Der Turn wass 10 auf hearts and Die River an offsuit 2. Mein A-2 off containen nicht hearts und mein opponent pushed all-in".

We asked about the thought processes which lead to the fold here, "I checken that there were nicht other IntelliPoker Players at das table, then just clicked the button marked 'Folden' " finishing, "it was vunderbar! Mein stack was still with me after the hand, even though I had ein pair on das river..."

Klaus went on to win the $3 SNG tournament in which this momentus event happened and is now planning to invade the $6.50 turbos, just as soon as he finishes reading 'Mein Kampf".


Tuesday, 17 June 2008

Message Board Relief As Someone Who Once Played Online Wins Bracelet

Teenage brows were being wiped in relief yesterday, Melted Felt can reveal, after someone who once played online poker won a genuine WSOP bracelet.

Until event 28 predictions from throughout the online poker communities that the online pros would crush the fields in this years World Series had fallen rather flat. The winners list was a who-is-who of grandads wearing white socks with sandals, beards and Hawaiian shirts. Anger and consternation was rising daily as the likes of Negreanu, Mattesow, Greinstein, Lindgren and Sidel took the honors.

OMGclayaiken's victory in the $5k PLO with rebuys event has been embraced throughout the message board world. From 2+2 to P5's, from ITH through to Cardschat every loud mouthed, low IQ internet poker playing schoolkid personally railed Phil Galfond every day for years now, and even occasionally played at the same table as their superstar idol.

We asked a selection of forum posters why they had never mentioned Phil 'OMGclayaiken' Galfond as a contender in their previous predictions before the WSOP...

Bill from P5's replied: 'You are so f-ing gay, my sharkscope graph is better than yours so FU'

Bob from 2+2 replied: 'After analysing hand 72 we think that the check-call, lead for 2/3rds of pot on safe turn was marginally better ev than the lead flop for half pot and call a oop bet on the suited river'.

Jim from ITH replied: 'What's PLO?'

Calv from Cardshat replied: 'No way I'm paying 50c to enter... when is the next freeroll?"


Monday, 16 June 2008

Dan Harrington To Release 'Harrington On Pokerbooks - vol 1'

Dan Harrington was too busy counting his piles of money for Melted Felt to interview him yesterday. Instead we will exclusively reveal that the tight-fisted one has skillfully ducked out of buying his round for long enough to bring us his latest book... Harrington On Pokerbooks - Vol 1, subtitled 'How A past-it poker pro got Bill Roberty to write a book for him'

Full of anecdotes about how to win pokergames by boring your opponents to death this diagram-filled tome brings many tips for the would be poker writer including:

- How to write a 'bio page' that makes it sound as if you are still credible when you won your last tournament over a decade ago

- Waffling your way to three volumes to maximize profits.

- How to easily hire Bill Roberty to write the whole thing for you while minimizing the percentage profit you'll pay him

- How hidden gems of 'poker advice' such as 'randomising your play using the second hand of your watch' can make you a fortune.

- 101 fun ways of making sure that you never pay the restaurant bill again.

Well, poker books is one thing - but here at Melted Felt we are really looking forward to Harringtons forthcoming 3-part guidebooks to how to get the very best from each piece of toilet paper...


Thursday, 12 June 2008

David Sklansky To Save US Economy?

In an exclusive interview with Melted Felt, Ben Bernanke - chairmain of the federal reserve - has sensationally revealed that he has been involved in detailed discussions about ditching the US-dollar in favour of an economy based entirely on 'Sklansky Dollars'.

For those not aware, Sklanksky dollars are the amount of cash you would have won if that stupid f*cking fish without a f*cking clue what the f*ck he was doing calling completely against any semblance of rational or mathematical f*cking thought and then hitting that f*cking miracle card on the f*cking river which results in you losing your entire f*cking stack (again)

* as directlt quoted from "The Theory of F*cking Poker" by Mr David Sklanksy

Ben Bernanke went on to explain everything "Instead of losing money on that house you could never afford in the first place, just use Sklanksy dollars to spend the money you would have made had some irrational fish valued it at 500 times your income rather than 400" adding "If you get made redundant due to excessive oil prices slowing things down then the Sklanksy dollars are used to replace your lost pay packet". "Its the same for the banks, who can now use Sklanksy Dollars to pretend that the stinking piles bad-debt that they, until recently, called AAA rated-securities can now have their full value in our new currency - S$"

The only sticking point preventing the move from the dollar to Sklanksy-currency at the time of writing is the insistance of David that he has his images on the notes. While the Fed has no problem with his profile on the front, it is Sklanksy's insistance on the 'nothing-but-flip-flops' shot on the back that is causing the, erm, sticking point.

Now if thats not enough to put you off of your breakfast...


Wednesday, 11 June 2008

Losing Player Convinces Himself That Rakeback Is The Answer

Bruce, A cash game player from Melbourne, Australia yesterday logged on to his favorite poker forum to heartily complain about how unfair the life of a consistently losing college online poker 'pro' can be.

The problems started when, his best friend Bruce sent him a refer-a-friend e-mail from Full Tilt Poker and he deposited his first $50. Two years later and 109 more $50 deposits down the line Bruce learns from Shelia (a regular on his favorite forum) that signing up through an affiliate could have given him 27% rakeback all along. After Bruce, Bruce, Bruce, Bruce, Shelia, Shelia, Bruce, Kylie and Bruce added to the thread that they already enjoyed these benefits - Bruce started to get very angry indeed, after all, with an estimated $5 of each deposit being raked in tournament fees he would have enjoyed an average of $1.35c in his pocket every week!

Determined to do something about his desperate plight Bruce switched sites and now enjoys the delights that Bruce, Bruce, Shelia, Bruce, Bruce, Kylie, Bruce and Bruce already enjoy - the added avantage is that the huge 50% rakeback deal is at a site so sh*te that nobody ever plays there... meaning that Bruce is saving enough money each week to take Shelia out for a few cans of fosters.

Melted Felt Public Service Information Announcement:

If you are considering rakeback please ensure that you actually play at a high enough level to, erm, pay some rake. If you are a loser or micro-stakes player who thinks 1 tabling 5c / 10c no-limit is 'the big-game' then there is really no need to bother those friendly rakeback affiliates... if on the other hand you play at a reasonable level or multi-table would like to see a selection of the best available rakeback deals including some which are listed (with percentages) but can not be called 'rakeback' then check out the excellent Rakeback-Planet today!


Monday, 9 June 2008

Former Absolute Poker Owner Wins WSOP Bracelet

Experienced members of 2+2 were last night trawling through hand histories after Phil Tom, father of Scott 'Potripper' Tom won a girly bracelet and a big pile of (almost-worthless) US currency in WSOP event 11. Indications are that he could see all of his opponents hole-cards* throughout the 3-day Shootout Event.

Early indications are that the event was entirely rigged, with several instances in which 3rd players with accounts at Absolute Poker were involved in hands. In one telling case Phil Tom opened up with 10-10 from middle position, the flop came down 6-7-9 with three hearts. Phil Checked only to see his opponent, Frank Smith of Ontario suspiciously check right behind. The dogs of 2+2 later found that Smith's sister once dated with the uncle of someone who went to school with the best friend of a junior administrator of the Kanawake Gaming Corporation - which is also fully owned by bracelet winner Phil Tom, as is the company that makes the braclets.

Asked to justify the cheating allegations against his son, Phil replied that the two-timing bitch had promised that she was on the pill, and that his other relatives - currently in charge of payouts at Full Tilt - would explain everything


* well, the backs of them anyway.

Saturday, 7 June 2008

World Series Qualifier Baffled by Clay 'Tokens'

Melted Felt can today bring you exclusive news of confusion, mayhem and poker from Las Vegas Nevada, where the World series of poker is in its 5th year*

With household names such as Gigabet, Moneymaker and Rizen at the tables (well, ok, in the buffet in the case of Rizen and Moneymaker) the competition for seats among internet poker players has reached fever pitch

One such qualifier turned up in his Poker Stars gear, laptop in hand only to be told that said computer would not be necessary. "Its wierd" confirmed Joe from Altanta, "they are playing with these small rectangle pieces of stiff paper which have had the numbers and suits printed on them and betting is done with colored tokens instead of a slider...".

Asked whether he thought that this would lead to some adjustments in his approach to the game Joe confided that he had yet to come to grips with how the pot size, hand history and bet amount data would be displayed. Adding that he though shouting 'Fold, Fold Fold Fold Fold' when bluffing would be somewhat less effective in the live environment.

Stay tuned, as soon as the World Series stops being boring as fu*k to anyone not directly involved Melted Felt will bring you the news!


* Well, ok, some small tournament with a similar name might have run before Chris Moneymaker in 2003

Thursday, 5 June 2008

Full Tilt To Make FTOPS Daily!

Full Tilt Pokers premier tournament event, the 'Full Tilt Online Poker Series' (or FTOPS for short) has been going from strength to strength.

The great thing about this 10-day series of big buy-in online poker tournaments is that numerous satellites make it possible for even the most intellectually-challenged donkey to donate cash to the company (erm, sorry, we mean participate in one of the prestigeous events - Ed).

With the FTOPS running several times a year the evil accountant who runs Full Tilt decided, after much number crunching, that profits could be greatly increased by running this event every day - and twice on Sundays.

Confirming the new plans a spokesman said ' Full Tilt Poker are always looking for new ways to screw players, affiliates and other business partners' adding ' we are happy to announce that the Full Tilt Points you collect while playing the daily FTOPS will be doubled in value - making them worth just slightly above f*uck-all instead of nothing what-so-ever'

When asked whether this meant guarenteed prize pools would stay in place the spokesman said this should not be a problem, since nobody can withdraw it can only mean higher rakes for us.


Monday, 2 June 2008

Dalai Lama Exclusive: That Bitch Cost Me A Big Pot

The Dalai Lama was said to be outraged yesterday after getting 1-outered for a big pot on $2/ $4 no-limit at Party Poker.

Taking a break from his usual passtime of whining on about the fact that out that the Chinese have f*cked his homeland, the serene one, in an exclusive interview with Melted Felt, layed the blame squarely with over the hill former 2nd rate wooden ham-so-called-actress Sharon Stone.

'There was no way he started the hand with a pair' continued Dal, 'With Stats of 26 / 5 / 32 / 1 he is raising pre-flop with every pair, all aces and most unsuited broadways too" going on "While buddah can be a little fussy about check-raising the turn I did meditate for most of my time-bank before deciding that this move did indeed fit-in with the great interlinked scheme of things" concluding that "how was I to know the donkey had an 8-high flush with a gutshot redraw to the staight flush?? I mean the board was paired and he gets check-raised all in by the Dalai-f*cking-Lama... ummm 'Hello' anybody home?"

"Never happened to me before Shaz started all that Karma shit", "soon as my name gets mentioned in the same sentence as the earthquake it starts raining bad beats" adding "its not as if Shazza even knows the difference between her a*se and her elbow - let alone how things fit together spiritually" finishing "oh well, just going to have to move up levels to where they respect my raises"


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