Sunday, 27 July 2008

It's Official: Real Scientists Delcare Online Poker Players To Be F*cking Sickos

Two boffins, in a rather small and completely meaningless study, have come to the conclusion that online poker players are degenerate f*cking sickos who need to be protected from their own tendency to over-value unpaired high-card hands from out of position - Melted Felt can exclusively reveal.

The study, carried out by Kathryn LaTour, of the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, and June Cotte, of the University of Ontario, Canada, came to the following conclusions when comparing online to live gamblers:

1) Online Gamblers were 134% more likely to be using their Mom's credit card.

2) Online Gamblers were complete f*cking liars when it came to losses, with up to 4 million of them 'opting out' of sharkscope to hide those ugly downward sloping graphs.

3) Online Gamblers were more likely to insult players at their tables, since they were usually 100's of miles away and could not be given the beating that they so fully deserved.

4) Live Gamblers were really very nice respectable family people who were spending their liesure time exercising their all-American right to freedom of choice

5) While Online Gamblers... were sick as f*ck and without academic help would turn the US and Canada into something similar to Afganistan on a bad day.

The conclusion of the report is that the current US Ban on online poker is not working and 'regulation' is the answer. And like all meaningless studies by freaky academics, calls for more research by freaky academics to better understand some twisted world-view on a subject.

Fine Docs, Melted Felt can hear you in some respects on this - but really - where did this assumption that regulation would allow players 'in trouble' to 'get help' come from?

After all, online poker playing sickos all think they are the next Stu f-ing Ungar, they are not going to be calling your poncy academically-researched 'hotline' and crying about being a fish - no way jose - these kids are going to bore their mates to death with bad beat stories and reload (just one more time) with Moms card... but then again, if your regulation = = legalisation of payment transfers we are all for it!


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