Sunday, 31 August 2008

John Phan Wins 2007 Legends Of Poker Just In Time For 2008 Final Table

Exclusive news on the world's slowest poker player today at Melted Felt. In a nail-biting cliff-hanger of a close-shave, John Phan has just about finished the 2007 Legends of poker tournament in time for the 2008 Legends of Poker final table... phew.

Known for being slow-as-f^ck, Phan actually holds the world record for having the clock called on him and once won a poker tournament by sending all of his opponents to sleep and then stealing their blinds.

Sensationally when Amit Makhija, who busted in 2nd after Phan bored him into completing Seduko puzzles while waiting for raises, complained about the slow pace of folding the reply from Phan was 'I don't play on the internet like you, kid'.

Melted Felt would just like to say thank f^ck for that.

Disconnections and slow players are bad enough, what a nightmare it would be if John Phan was around to take the full 15 seconds on every raise, call, fold and then after the hand is over - muck.


Friday, 29 August 2008

UK Poker Players Refer-A-Friend Cash Pipeline Disrupted As 'Scruff' Asked For ID

Calvin Taylor of Manchester UK was in a major quandary yesterday, Melted Felt can exclusively report, after Party Poker requested ID from his family dog 'Scruff' before processing a cash-out request.

Realizing that Party were none too fussy when it came to exactly which friends were involved, Calvin had been slowly but surely refering members of his family for months. After both parents, baby sister Emily, great aunt Doris and 3 deceased great-grandparents had all successfully earned the exact number of Party Points required to get the cash - Calv decided that Scruff should have his day.

Though Scruff actually prefers sniffing dogs ar$es and chasing cats to online skill-games, he managed to quickly get to the number of points required to earn himself a bonus and his master a cash reward. Unfortunately Party have seen it all before and sent a standard e-mail to the 5 year old Scotty asking for proof of Id and banking details - at the same time freezing Calvin's account pending a security investigation.

While Scruff was lucky enough to have an EU 'Pet Passport', the bank account part was proving much more difficult to set up at the time of writing.

A cautionary tale indeed - but not one that bothers Calvin too much, after all his 'lill sister Emily who turns 3 next month is currently half-way through the blackjack sign-up bonus....


Thursday, 28 August 2008

Micheal Phelps To Play '09 WSOP - Melted Felt Tests His Poker Skills!

With online forums buzzing with news that Olympic swimming hero Micheal Phelps has shown an interest in joining the 2009 World Series of Poker, Melted Felt today bring you a calorie-filled exclusive hand in which we try to assess the big-handed swimming-machine's skills.

Phelps famously has a diet of approximately 12000 calories a day which he burns off in the pool. In order to level the playing field as much as possible we chose opponents with equally high-calorie intakes.

Here is how the hand went down... starting before the flop.

Phelps - UTG: Dealt 6-7 of diamonds and limps for one fried-egg and mayo sandwich.
Erika 'Rizen' Lynch - UTG+1: Looks down at 2-9 off suit, remembers it is nearly dinner time and wanders off.
Mike Matusow: Calls the fried-egg sandwich bet blind (without looking at his cards)
Shaun 'F9cking' Deeb: Finding QQ on the button Deeb raises 3 more fried-egg sandwiches and a bacon roll
Todd Brunson: Folds A-5 off from the Small Blind
Jimmy 'Gobboboy' Fricke: Finds A-K Hearts in the BB and re-raises making it 12 fried-egg (and mayo) sandwiches, 4 bacon rolls and 2 cups of milky, sweet coffee to go.

With the calories flying it was up to Phelps to act... with the betting still open and his decidely shaky suited connector out of position all eyes were on the swimming pool champ.

Phelps: Re-raises once again! Making it 2 kilos (4 pounds) of fresh pasta with carbonara sauce in addition to the fried-egg sandwich mountain!
Matusow: Complains that no-body respects his limps and folds his pair of 4's.
Shaun 'f9uking' Deeb: In a tough spot but not shy of consuming a calorie or two, Deeb figures that Frike is the real danger and elects to call and see what high-fat foodstuffs develop after the flop.
Jimmy 'Gobboboy' Fricke: : Frike is confused by Phelp's re-raise and eats a juicy t-bone steak while he decides, Matusow calls the floor complaining that eating your buy-in constitues removing chips from the table during a hand, floor gives Matusow an ice-cream. Gobboboy eventually flat calls - with 3 to the flop and a mountain of high-calorie food in the middle going into the next betting round.

Well, our gold medalist certainly made an unusual play - lets see what the flop brings and how things develop from there.

The flop comes down A-5-Q with 2 hearts.

Jimmy 'Gobboboy' Fricke: Checks, presumably planning a check-raise
Micheal Phelps: With only 3 to a straight Phelps realises he is unlikely to win the hand at showdown... controversially deciding to represent the ace he bets out, adding two tuna-steaks and 2 large '4-seasons' pizzas to the pot.
Shaun 'f9cking' Deeb: Based on the pre-flop action and his trips is happy just to call the bet.
Jimmy 'Gobboboy' Fricke: Now pounces! Adding 7 cheese and mushroom omletes, 4 big portions of apple pie and half a lobster to the pot.
Phelps: Now realises his blunder and reluctantly folds.
Shaun 'f9cking' Deeb: Pounces, raising all in, a total of over 135,000 calories.
Jimmy 'Gobboboy' Fricke: Is now pot-committed and calls, eventually hitting his 3rd heart on the river to take down a monster buffet.

So, is Phelps ready for the 2009 World Series? Melted Felt will leave you to decide!


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Wednesday, 27 August 2008

Exclusive: Full Tilt Unveil 59,564th 'Red Pro'

The Full Tilt Poker media department was today thrown into a press-release related frenzy as they proudly introduced their latest 'red pro', a gentleman named John - from Maine.

We spoke to John about his thoughts on becoming Full Tilt's 59,564th Red Pro and his plans for the future: "My first reaction was that of shock" said 20 year old trainee electrician John, "after 2 failed attempts I managed to win a $3+30c Pot-Limit Omaha Hi-Lo SNG - and the phones just went crazy," continuing, "having my name listed in red, together with 97.3% of all players at the world's most datamined poker site is certainly an accolade - I would have told all my mates about it, only I'm too much of a loser to have any".

John continued about his plans for the future, "Well, with my winnings I played some more SNGs and now have an ROI of 39% over 52 games, since the averages are only around 15% it seems I am the worlds most talented poker player and will shortly be giving up my job to grind SNGs for a living".

We asked Full Tilt to comment on why every player and his dog are now red pros. While the spokesman declined to comment they did point out that Poker Stars Is Rigged!.


Monday, 25 August 2008

Hoyt Corkins House Robbed - But Whodunnit??

Some Poker News hot off of the press today as we reveal that the poker world's raving loony Hoyt Corkins' Las Vegas house has been robbed. Unfortunately many valuable possessions were taken including 2 WSOP bracelets, a Harley Davison motorbike and Hoyt's invisible alien 'best friend' Zog.

As good fortune would have it Melted Felt have seen several episodes of Kojack and were able to leap to the assistance of the Las Vegas police by going through a list of the usual poker suspects... one-by-one we examined their alibis to drill down to the most likely perpetrators:

Suspect #1 - Daniel Negreanu

Our first suspect has a cast-iron alibi, having been seen at the 'Paws For Beauty' dog grooming salon with his dog Mushu all day - having the de-flea pamper shampoo, fluff-up blow-dry and pink ribbons 'Sunday Special'. Witnesses testified that Mushu the dog may also have received some treatments - effectively ruling Negreanu out.

Suspect #2 - Phil Helmuth Jr

Measurements of Corkins' doors quickly reveal that there was absolutely no chance that Helmuth's ego would have fit through... ruling out the flappy-necked record holding poker pro completely.

Suspect #3 - Chris 'Jesus' Ferguson

Line-dancing, carrot-slicing, game-theorist Ferguson is an imposing figure. When questioned about the robbery he pointed out that there was a mere 0,003619% chance he was in the area and a 0.009154% that he had a criminal intent. Combined with a holding of 88+ AQs+ this meant that it was statistically not possible that Ferguson was involved with only a 1% chance he was bluffing.

Suspect #4 - Mike ' The Mouth' Mattusow

Ahhah. With a past criminal record (with reduced jail time for grassing up his best mates) Mattusow could well be our man. His alibi - that he was trying to retrieve yet another laptop from the bottom of his swimming pool after losing a big pot online - seems a little shaky to us. Though it was confirmed by his cleaner, she could not recall which day and which particular laptop were were talking about.

Suspect #5 - Hoyt Corkins

Elimentary my dear Watsons, Mr Corkins is actually quoted as admitting to memory loss during his frequent 'manic' phases. With behaviors such as bidding $31k for a domain, ripping off 1000's of poker players by closing down poker-spot and generally babbling non-sensical sh1te. We recommend that the Las Vegas police check out Hoyt's alibi immediately, was he at home all day?


PS: The little bar which says 'Bookmark' below is a widget which allows readers to add their favorite pages to social bookmark sites such as Digg, Stumble-upon and Reddit - if you enjoy this or any of our posts we would very much appreciate it if you took a few seconds to 'bookmark us!' (thanks - MF)

Sunday, 24 August 2008

Exclusive: Barack Obama Reveals Scotty Nyugen As Running Mate

Melted Felt can today exclusively reveal that heavy-drinking poker pro Scotty Nyugen has been chosen by Barack Obama to join him on the vice presidential ticket for this years election.

Pronouced 'Winn' the former WSOP champ was revealed at a special conference yesterday. The choice is thought to have filled in a big hole in the democrats campaign as Omaba has been consistently rating very low in the polls on some of the characteristics most commonly associated with Nyugen such as slowrolling, getting really f9cking p1ssed and pretending to collude with Erik Lindgren at HORSE Final tables and saying 'baby!' a lot.

A democrat insider told us that he could see the roles being split like this, "Barack is quite good at shaking hands, making fundamentally meaningless speaches sound important and having a big set of pearly-white teeth" contining, "However, we felt that Scotty added that little something to the team in terms of the ability to sound like a complete d1ck at the poker table while drinking 12 bottles of Phil Helmuth branded beer and somehow still win"

Senator Edwards is keeping tight lipped about his choice of running mate - however Melted Felt can already reveal that Mike Matesows name has been mentioned...


Friday, 22 August 2008

Worlds Oldest Man Dies - While Waiting For Full Tilt Cashout

A tearful exclusive to bring you today, Melted Felt are sorry to report that Al Martinez from South California has passed away.

Al, was the proud holder of 2 world records. Not only was he the world's oldest living man at the age of 131, he had also been waiting the longest for his Full Tilt poker cash-out with a record 107 year-delay.

Not the kind of person to give up on his cash so easily, Al had chased his $12.85c cashout (worth 5 figures at todays prices) almost every week for the last century. Full Tilt support apparently gave him the following reasons over the years:

- 1,165 times they told him that his check was on its way and would be with him within a couple of days.

- 959 times they told him that his account was temporarily suspended while they looked into allegations of chip-dumping from a SNG held in 1919

- 881 times the delay was blamed on a 3rd party payment processor

- 7 times they asked whether he would like fries with that? (Though Al himself admits he is not 100% sure he dialed the right number on these occasions)

Melted Felt asked a spokesman from Full Tilt to comment on Mr Martinez's case and whether the money would now go to Marty, Al's next of kin and worlds 3rd oldest Pot-Limit Omaha Hi-Lo player at 114? Apparently the money is in safekeeping, though Marty will have to speak to Full Tilt's Cuz to get it....


Thursday, 21 August 2008

Porn Stars March Against Online Poker

Over 100 Californian porn stars flew to Washington yesterday to protest against the proposed relaxation of the ban on online poker by some liberal-lefty politicians. Alledging that online poker is directly biting into their horizontally-derived profits.

Melted Felt spoke to Laura Lovelips, a 29 year old fake-blond: 'I used to make a good income from my online porn site, however since the poker boom spotty college kids just aren't paying to download my films any more. They used to pay £5 a go to watch me in films like 'fourplay' and 'double team 7' into the early hours of the morning. Now they spend that money on the $10 180 sit and gos on Stars...'

Another porn star, Diane Doubleteam, has had to quit the business altogether and concentrate on online poker instead: 'I used to love hardcore movies - the hours were regular; I had a great tan; and the gang banging kept me well toned. But since the bottom has gone out of the porn market I've had to spend my time on the cash tables on Full Tilt. I'm making a good living but the work sucks - the hours are late and some of these players are truly terrible. The number of times some short stack donk calls me down and nothing better than an inside straight draw which he spikes on the river... do these guys not learn about pot odds in school anymore?'

This correspondant then joined the girls for an impromtu sit and go - only getting in trouble with Petty Peaches when complementing her on large 'Rack' and asking if she wanted to see him 'Showdown His Nuts'. Fortunately the suckouts were better than average.

Republican Senator Doufleman has taken up their cause and said in a statement: 'These lovely blonde ladies work hard to make an honest living and those evil poker companies are taking away their livelihoods.' continuing, 'masterbation is the right of every spotty American teen and I will fight the devil of online poker to ensure that they have every opportunity to do this'.


Thanks to our valued correspondant Simon for this chucklesome guest piece! If you'd like to contribute to Melted Felt then please drop us a mail to - thanks!

Wednesday, 20 August 2008

Chan Poker To Close

In another Melted Felt exclusive we are sorry to bring you the news that Chan Poker is to close its doors immediately - ceasing all poker operations from Thursday the 21st of August.

As you have come to expect from Melted Felt, we tracked down the affected parties for an exclusive interview... in this case we managed to speak to both players who joined this pro-sponsored poker site over the last year.

Bill from Idaho - who held the accolade of being Chan Poker's only real money player - was apparently having a little trouble clearing the bonus which attracted him. "For the first 5 months I focused on the No-Limit Holdem tables, but sitting alone waiting for someone else to deposit kind of got dull so I switched to PLO instead", continuing "sure, there were no other players there either, but I was still pretty pumped waiting for someone to come and overplay aces."

Jimmy from Florida was also a big fan of Chan Poker, but only being 11 years-old did not make a real-money deposit - instead joining poker forums throughout the world 10 minutes before their private freerolls and asking whether he was still in time to get the password - since it was his birthday.

We asked Jimmy what he thought of the closure of Chan Poker yesterday via instant messenger.... "YOU WILL FEAR ME", was his initial reply, going on to ask "PLEASE LEND ME $5 on TILT, I WILL REPAY $10, I ONLY NEED 3 MORE POINTS TO CLEAR MY BONUS - RETARD" .... we declined.


Tuesday, 19 August 2008

Melted Felt's 1st Contest - Tilt John Juanda And Win A Sea-Lion

Melted Felt are pleased to bring you an exclusive contest - to run for the next 2 months or so. Yes, sensationally we are today announcing that we will award the prize of a geniue live Sea-Lion* to the first person to successfully tilt John Juanda - either live or online.

The rules of this contest have been made so simple that even you can understand them. So, here they are:

1) Find ultra-serene poker legend Juanda either in person or online.... then;

2) Tilt him.

Lets face it folks, as rules go those are dead simple.

So, entries should be submitted via comments and marked 'Wheres my f9cking Sea-lion then?' closing date 19th October '08.


*The sea-lion in question is located in Whipsnade Zoo and Safari park which is a smaller and decidedly family-friendly establishment near Dunstable in central England. The new owner will become the 'spiritual owner' of 'Bessy' a 6 year-old female, unless they go and nick her.

Sunday, 17 August 2008

Polaris Poker Bot To Move Up Levels To Where Humans 'Respect It's Raises'

In another Melted Felt exclusive we bring you the story of Polaris, the poker bot which plays Heads-up limit holdem against pros. With media speculation rife that the 'end is nigh' for online poker due to the proliferation of poker playing robots known as 'bots' our interview with Polaris revealed a shockingly different truth!

Though able to beat poker pros in heads-up limit games, it seems that the Polaris Poker bot has problems when it comes to no-limit tables, particularly at the lower levels.

When we caught up with Polaris yesterday it was sounding like Marvin the Paranoid Android after a bad-beat, "So, I open up with two red aces from early-middle position to 4 times the big blinds - varying my raise in line with sub-algorthym 27B in my code", continuing, "5 callers really stretched my processing routines, and the min-bet from the big blind into me almost blew a circuit on the 5-6-J rainbow flop" going on that. "according to my logic database there was a 63% chance I was still ahead with 20 blinds in the pot - so I raise and get called by 3 opponents before the big blind re-raises all-in" finishing "well, the others folded and he turned over Jack-f9cking-queen, rivering the queen as usual"

Polaris went on to say that there was no longer any point raising aces pre-flop as some human donkey would call and outdraw him anyway. In fact he is determined to move up levels to where these human beings actually respect his raises.

As an aside the Artificial Intelligence unit which guides the Polaris Poker Bot's play has come up with a perfect solution to the outdraws - yes, from now on it will simply 'type' 'Hmmmm, nice call pre-flop - donkey' into the chat box.


Thursday, 14 August 2008

If They Were Not Involved In Poker #2 - Daniel Negreanu

Another classic - original (well as far as we know) was in a 2+2 thread... and no, they did not have permission to use Negreanu's image or the village people either - ah, the wonders of the interweb.

2+2 Thread With Loads Of Excellent Pictures Of Cats

(note: #1 also now credited to the same thread!)

Wednesday, 13 August 2008

Mason Malmuth To Refocus The 2+2 Forums - On Cats

Sensational breaking news to bring you today, Mason Malmuth - owner of 2+2 Publishing and the associated forums - has decided that all these pesky poker players talking about, erm, poker on his, erm poker forum (!) are damaging book sales.

In a secret note to moderators (link below), Malmuth has sent specific instructions that all poker-related content is to be instantly deleted, and the 2+2 forums will now be re-focused on cats.

After a sneak-preview of the new layout we can report that instead of 'No-Limit Holdem' with sub-divisions into micro-stakes / small-stakes / mid stakes etc, we will now have 'Family Cats' with specially moderated sub-forums for 'Tabby' 'Tortoise-shell' and 'Black Ones', there will be a board dedicated for fur-balls and the beginners board will now we focused on how to train your kitten to shit in the litter tray rather than the kitchen floor.

Malmuth, famed for failing to make much money from the worlds largest poker website, was not available for comment yesterday. However a spokesman confirmed that Dan Harrington had already spoken to Bill Roberty - who was busy writing the first 3 volumes of 'Harrington on, erm, Cats'


Here is the link to the original news article!

2+2 To Pull Poker Posts

Monday, 11 August 2008

Hoyt Corkins In Domain Buying Scandal

In another Melted Felt exclusive we can today bring you the sensational news that Hoyt Corkins, the completely off-his-trolley poker pro, bid $31,000 at a domain auction for and is now refusing to pay a cent!

The fruity-nutty live professional is claiming that the voices in his head told him that - unless he set up a website dedicated to proof that Sebok was, in fact, completely heterosexual - they would make him kill innocent fluffy woooland creatures.

Corkins, famed for setting up a poker site and then closing it down ripping off everyones cash, actually claims not to remember bidding on the Sebok-gayness domain at all - claiming this was a 'manic episode'.

Well, Mr C - Melted Felt think your excuse is a little too convienient here. If things were that easy there would be an awful lot of people in the world making claims like:

- I'm not really married, I said my vows when feeling a little down.
- No need to repay that car / house / holiday loan - my mind was a little cluttered with chemicals.
- Time for a fraud claim on Full Tilt, it was not me putting in $10k with my credit card it was my evil-twin who lives in the same body.

Here at MF we understand that the Sebok Not Gay website will go to the 2nd bidder... we look forward to seeing the completed work soon...


Sunday, 10 August 2008

Exclusive Proof That Joe Sebok Is 100% Not Gay

Following speculation throughout the poker world - culmulating in supposed evidence being discussed at length over on 2+2 - Melted Felt can today bring you exclusive proof that ineffective poker pro Joe Sebok is in fact 100% un-gay.

Sebok, whose manner makes Daniel Negreanu seem decidedly butch, apparently skips rather than walks between tables due to a childhood knee injury - more proof (as if you needed it) of non-gayness.

Speculating on a blog post in which Sebok was reported to be 'mesmerised' by a semi-naked man is easily explained, not by gayness, but by Sebok's interest in anatomy. There is nothing more fascinating to this young poker-pro than the cut of different muscles and the great interlinked form of the human body. In fact instead of looking at a pert ass on a man for sexual reasons, proof of Sebok's hetero ways comes from the fact that he is merely admiring the transition between the Glutes and the Hamstrings... exactly the same reason that Joe has pictures of scantily clad well oiled men on his apartment wall.

We tried to contact Joe for even more proof that he was not gay, however apparently he did not hear the phone ringing as the 'Best of the Village People' was playing a little too loud.

Instead we sent our reporters to investigate Joes completely straight past, after 1000's of hours of meticulous digging, the MF dogs finally spoke to Helen, Sebok's first girlfriend "He was all man" said Helen, referring to their 6-week relationship at the age of 13 "he treated me like a real lady throughout our relationship," countining "though I never could work out why he liked to wear my underwear so often, come to think of it he seemed pretty mesmerised by my brother too - though apparently that was due to his interest in life-drawing".

Well, there you have it, MF laugh in the faces of anyone calling Sebok gay - the evidence is overwhelming that is is not, after all there are simply loads of uses for the 12 empty tubes of KY Jelly we found in Sebok's trash yesterday.


Saturday, 9 August 2008

Exclusive: Bert From Sesame Street To Launch Poker Training Site

In another world-exclusive, Melted Felt today bring you the sensational news that Sesame Street are moving away from their core-role of entertaining stoned college kids in the early hours - and into the competative world of poker training.

With every-man and his dog starting a training site these days, the Sesame Street franchise are hoping that the instantly recognisable character will win over the fans. They'll face still competition, rumor has it that Mushu - Daniel Negreanu's dog and Howard Lederers pet tuna are both close to completeing their own rival sites.

An insider at Sesame Street gave us the lowdown on the new endeavor '' "It is going to be a cross between cardbummers and poker vex factor" said a spokesman yesterday, "we realised that the vast majority of online poker players are f9cking stupid - so we brought in a special button to which works with drawing hands which brings up 'The Count' to show the outs... you know 'One, lovely OooooWWt, ahahahahahahahaha. TWO fantastic OooooWWts' and so on"

We asked whether there were likely to be any poker pros involved to give members insights into the through processes required to make it big on the virtual felt? "Well", said the spokesman, "the snuffleupacus is actually pretty sharp when it comes to SNG bubble play...."


Thursday, 7 August 2008

10 Signs You Play Too Much Online Poker

Unsure whether you crossed the line between being a profitable recreational player and a degenerate? Well check out our 10 signs below, there is even a handy system to rate yourself at the end!

1) Your girlfriend / wife / boyfriend asks if you are coming to bed soon in that way which you know means they would like some good old fashioned lovin' ... and you say "sure, just one more round of blinds and I'll be there", only to find your significant other asleep three hours later.

2) Dashing to the kitchen during 5 minute breaks becomes so frequent that you can prepair the evening's healthy meal of chips, chocolate cookies and soda (or beer) in record time. You get really irritated with unscheduled need to use the bathroom and try to manage your tables so as not to 'waste any buttons'.

3) You have 7 different accounts at different sites and are familiar with 12 different deposit methods, but have only ever withdraw twice (ok, being generous with twice!).

4) Turning up late for work with bloodshot eyes and stubble is perfectly normal whenever you have a deep-run in the $3+ rebuys (beating 3115 others for $37.60c 156th place prize-money but missing that promotion which would have netted you $10k more per year....)

5) More than half of your internet explorer favorites 2+2 threads, poker blogs and strategy articles which looked interesting enough at the time - but you never got around to looking at again. Likewise with the shelf full of poker books that you skimmed and promised yourself you would study... one day.

6) You think that the UB / AP cheating scandals are morally reprehensible, yet the fact that millions of children in the 3rd world die of starvation and preventable disease each year while we waste tons of food is just 'one of those things'.

7) You look down on people who are not very good at poker and are completely oblivious to the fact that the rest of society looks down on you for being too into poker.

8) Acronmys replace both your speach and typed words, even when talking to those who have never played poker online. Your dreams are full of abstract card + chip images and vague references to online poker pros.

9) More than 75% of all the searches you have ever performed on Sharkscope / the poker DB etc have been for your own poker user-ids.

10) You strongly believe that you will be playing poker for many years to come and making a great deal of money - though statistics show that >80% of players lose money, and that even those who win are highly unlikely to still be playing in 2 years time.


How To Rate Your Scores:

If you answered 'yes' to questions 1,3,5, 6 and 9 give yourself 1 point each, if you answered 'no' to question 7 at the same time as answering 'yes' to question 9 then have 2 points... oh f9ck it, this is a poker blog, not Cosmo-fuc#ing-poli-tan... its 1 point for each 'yes'.


What Your Scores Mean:

Nil Points: No way you are a poker player, try the quiz again in 6 months after you have learned to be a little more interesting you clean living b*stard.

1-3 Points: Could do better, you are obviously on the road to becoming degenerate, keep up the good work

4-7 Points: Yep, a solid score from an online poker scumbag, bet you are already busy wondering how you'll win that WSOP 09 seat,

8+ Points: Now we are talking the dregs, you are destined for great things, give up college / work immediately and become an online pro... sitting alone in the dark for days on end clicking a mouse is your destiny baby, your f9cking destiny


Olympics Drug Scandal As Member Of US Poker Team Tests Negative For All Banned Substances

In yet another exclusive that will shock the poker world, Melted Felt today bring you the story of Bob Richards, 22, of Maine - who has sensationally been sent home from Bejing on the eve of the Olympic Poker event after testing negative for all banned substances.

Bob, a junior buyer for a meduim sized printing company, was selected from 1000's of olympic hopefulls when his A-6 off hit 2-pair on the river against a pair of Kings in a qualifier. His trip to Bejing was cut short when his team-mates noticed suspect behaviour and reported him to the smiley Chinese bloke who took blood samples.

When the results came back the olympic drug test scandal revealed the following shocking results:

Weed: Negative
Alcohol: Negative
Cocaine: None
E's: Zip
Red-Bull: Nada
Uppers: Bugger-All
Downers: Nope
Acid? H? Barbs? Shrooms? F-CK... ANYTHING??? Nay, Nay and thrice Nay.

Bob was immediately sent to sit before a panel of failed politicians to answer some questions. Over the next 20 minutes it turned out that he was in fact boring as f-ck and had never drunk as much as a coffee in his whole goddam life. Even the rather weak defense that Barry Greenstein also did not drink or smoke was thrown out after the chairman of the panel accepted the prosecution's counter that Greenstein was, in fact, a wierdy-beardy.

Bob was thus sent on his merry way home, a spokesman saying that the 'Team USA' poker challenge was not unduly affected and they still hoped to take gold from Germanies Intellipoker contingent...

Stay tuned to Melted Felt for plently more Olympic Drug Scandals with loose poker-themes!


Exclusive: WSOPE Venue Chosen For Pronounciation Gag Reasons

In another Melted Felt exclusive we can reveal today that this years venue for the World Series Of Poker Europe was actually chosen to let the British organisers have a bit of a giggle at peoples pronounciation of the name.

Liecester Square, a hobo-infested hole in the heart of Europe's most over-priced city, is home to many over-priced bars and nightclubs in which stupid working-class people wearing 'high-street designer labels' can spend $20 on a drink to fool themselves into believing they have some sort of class.

In what is believed to be a tounge-twisting coup the name of the square is actually elocuted as 'L-e-s-t-e-r' rather than the more obvious "L-y-e-Ce-ster'. Since this insider secret is only known to the British they are looking forward to having a mild-mannered chuckle over their warm beers at the expense of all those mis-guided 'foreign-chaps'.

In our special 3-bullet guide for US players leaving home for the first time, our European correspondant would like to offer the following advice:

- European Beer contains more than a trace-element amount of alcohol. If you are used to downing 10 Miller-Lights in a night do not boast about this to the Brits - they are used to drinking beers with around 27 times more alcohol than American equivalents, and will almost certainly drink you under the table.

- The US Dollar: Now you may have heard CNN talk about the weak dollar, however staying home the only effect is having to pay a little more for your gas. In London you will notice the effect, everything (and we mean everything) will cost 3 to 4 times what you are used to paying... explains why those European players do not give a f-ck in $20 SNGs right?

- The Weather: Forget London fog - this is a relic from the 19th Century industrial revolution and is about as realistic as a visitor to the US expecting real scenes from cowboy films in your major cities. Instead pack and umbrella and use the tried and tested Brit-way of telling what season it is based on whether the rain is warm or cold.


Wednesday, 6 August 2008

Poker Strategy 'Expert' at $50NL Scares Off Only Weaker Opponent

Having read and re-read Sklansky and Miller's 'No-Limit Holdem Theory and Practice', Luke from San Diego yesterday loaded up his Ultimate Bet account with a cool $100 and hit the tables ready to 'stack some donks'.

Luke, who works cleaning floors and changing the oil of old engines in a local auto-repair franchise during the day, was just amazed by what he saw at the $50 (25c / 50c blinds) table he had just brought into for a $30 chunk of his tiny bankroll.

Not only did his opponent make the classic error of calling a raise with just a single pair, which was 'obviously' not a big-pot hand, this same opponent had bet the river where no worse hand was likely to call.

Siezing the opportunity to 'show the donks who was the daddy', Luke pointed out this players errors, avoiding bad words but using 'donk', 'fish' and 'moron' regularly. The opponent shrugged, and left the table - wondering just why so many 'keyboard hardmen' need to berate others and why their self-esteem is so low to begin with.

Luke was unfortunately oblivious to the fact that the player he had just chased away was, in fact, the only opponent at the table he had even the smallest hope of beating... and even this guy was quickly replaced by someone who could see through Luke's bet sizing, overly large bluffs with busted draws and mini-raises with monsters.

Of course, only a couple of weeks - and several deposits - later Luke had 'proof' that online poker is totally rigged to 'reward the donks'... and moved to his local Casino where many, many players were certain to benefit from his sharp strategy insights.


Monday, 4 August 2008

PokerStars Shock As UK Player Uploads Manchester United Icon

In another Melted Felt exclusive we bring you the shocking story of icon uploads!

Yesterday, at around half past 3, Julie Baker was busy doing her utterly dull job of approving PokerStars icons for upload 5 weeks after they were submitted. By 3:37 pm she was sat in a small office, sipping a sweetened cup of tea and nibbling a chocolate biscuit while concerned colleages asked "are you sure you are alright" repeatedly.

We caught up with Julie to find out what happened in those traumatic 7 minutes.

"Well" started Julie, "I was busy playing Scrabulous and chatting about last nights soaps with the other staff, you know, approving a couple of avatar uploads as usual", continuing, "it seemed like a perfectly normal day, f-ck ugly baby photos, scary monsters posted by spotty 18 year-olds and all that... then the Man-U logo thing happened".

Julie paused and visibly pailed at this point, prompting Melted Felt to produce a packet of chocolate biscuits. Julie hesitatingly continued "I'd done 100's before, you know, half of the players from Norway and Sweden have either Man U or Liverpool logos, and asian players never consider any other team" Julie swallowed hard, "the thing is this player was... from.... Manchester".

Shocked, Julie had fainted and been taken by concerned colleages to the office to recover. We asked PokerStars to comment on the incident and what safeguards were in place for their staff for shocking incidents like this. While they refused to comment on the individual incident a spokesman did say, "yeah, but Full Tilt are sh*te".


Exclusive: PPA To Change Name

Exclusive news this Monday Morning - as Melted Felt sensationally reveal that the Poker Players Alliance (PPA), famed for doing sweet FA for online poker while making a lot of noise, are to change their name.

Yes, from today the PPA will be known as "Cardplaying American Services Holdings", or CASH for short. The mission will remain the same as before - to spend as much money as possible on completely free endevours to collect more donations, erm, sorry, we mean get online poker legalised.

John Pappas, speaking from his mansion on an undisclosed tropical island tax haven explained the change. "We are looking to streamline the processes here, so that the maximum amount of donated money goes towards our 100% free activities," adding, "before we would have to pay middle-men, banks and couriers to get the money safely offshore - as you can understand making those checks payable to CASH will greatly simplify this, leaving us both more time and money to do sweet f-ck-all for the online poker community".

We took the opportunity to ask Pappas what the next moves for CASH were to be. "Online Poker?" he replied, "Isn't that illegal?".


Friday, 1 August 2008

Republicans Finally Realise UIGEA Is A Shambles

In (yet another) Melted Felt exclusive we sensationally bring you a copy of the actual letter sent to secretary Paulson by 4 bible-bashing, war-mongering, execution-supporting conservative-as-they-come republicans concerning the unenforcability of the UIGEA...

Due to a couple of difficult words it took Judy Biggert, Jim Gerlach, Christopher Shays and Kevin McCarthy a while to get the letter together - and here it is verbatim.

Dear Secretary Paulson and Chairman Bernanke,

We are writing to request that you bring clarity to the proposed regulations to implement the UIGEA which we signed without ever understanding and continue to support even though we are not quite sure what it means.

As proposed, these regulations are completely unenforcable since nobody bothered to define which particular gambling low life are breaking the law and which are not. We believe that implementing such vauge law and regulations might cost the banks money, and therefore reduce much needed donations to our electoral campaigns, family holidays and other lucrative - if underhand - perks of the job.

Therefore, we urge the Board and Treasury to, before finalizing UIGEA regulations, to tell us what the f-ck it actually means. We particularly would like to know whether Poker is considered a skill game or not - while we understand that 90% of online poker players claim this to be a totally skill-based game, we are therefore somewhat baffled as to how 85% of them actually lose money playing it.

Thank you for your consideration of our request. We look forward to your response. If there are any other bills which we do not understand that you need signing in the meantime we'll be happy to do so - god bless democracy and all that sh-te.


Judy Biggert

Jim Gerlach
Christopher Shays
Kevin McCarthy


WSOP Final Tables Just Became Crunchier

(Editors Note: Melted Felt is happy to bring you a guest post from our esteemed mystery correspondant 'SS' - your contributions are more than welcome to )

A special bonus is coming to players lucky enough to have made it through to the final tables at this year’s World Series of Poker. In addition to their cash prizes, all of those making final tables this summer can look forward to a year’s worth of delicious, healthy snacking, too.

Through a special arrangement with Subway Restaurants and Frito-Lay North America, players who made final tables in the 55 events of this year’s Series will be given one year’s worth of free Sun Chips every time they purchase a six-inch Subway sub (or larger).

“We’re very pleased to welcome Subway and Frito-Lay to the World Series of Poker family,” said Jeffrey Pollack, commissioner of the World Series of Poker. “Poker is becoming a truly global game, and we are therefore especially thrilled to be working with the Subway franchise whose nearly 30,000 locations can be found in 87 different countries.”

Pollack additionally clarified that the nine players scheduled to play the Main Event final table -- the so-called “November Nine” -- were also eligible to begin taking advantage of the offer immediately. “We did not want to penalize these great players and prevent them from enjoying a wonderful, quality product that carries only carry one gram of fat per six ounce serving and does not contain any cholesterol or trans fat.”

Players will not be allowed to combine the offer with other coupons on the same purchase. However, players can receive their free Sun Chips when taking advantage of other deals, such as Subway’s recent “five-dollar foot long” promotion.

We want to be very clear, here,” said Pollack. “The offer is valid at any Subway location and runs through the beginning of the 2009 World Series of Poker. While there will be no combining of offers, we still believe this is a terrific arrangement that really suits the best interests of poker in a phenomenal way.”

Whether this new arrangement will create any conflict with Planters, already established as the “official nut” of the WSOP, is uncertain. Mr. Peanut could not be reached for comment.


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