Thursday, 21 August 2008

Porn Stars March Against Online Poker

Over 100 Californian porn stars flew to Washington yesterday to protest against the proposed relaxation of the ban on online poker by some liberal-lefty politicians. Alledging that online poker is directly biting into their horizontally-derived profits.

Melted Felt spoke to Laura Lovelips, a 29 year old fake-blond: 'I used to make a good income from my online porn site, however since the poker boom spotty college kids just aren't paying to download my films any more. They used to pay £5 a go to watch me in films like 'fourplay' and 'double team 7' into the early hours of the morning. Now they spend that money on the $10 180 sit and gos on Stars...'

Another porn star, Diane Doubleteam, has had to quit the business altogether and concentrate on online poker instead: 'I used to love hardcore movies - the hours were regular; I had a great tan; and the gang banging kept me well toned. But since the bottom has gone out of the porn market I've had to spend my time on the cash tables on Full Tilt. I'm making a good living but the work sucks - the hours are late and some of these players are truly terrible. The number of times some short stack donk calls me down and nothing better than an inside straight draw which he spikes on the river... do these guys not learn about pot odds in school anymore?'

This correspondant then joined the girls for an impromtu sit and go - only getting in trouble with Petty Peaches when complementing her on large 'Rack' and asking if she wanted to see him 'Showdown His Nuts'. Fortunately the suckouts were better than average.

Republican Senator Doufleman has taken up their cause and said in a statement: 'These lovely blonde ladies work hard to make an honest living and those evil poker companies are taking away their livelihoods.' continuing, 'masterbation is the right of every spotty American teen and I will fight the devil of online poker to ensure that they have every opportunity to do this'.

MF

Thanks to our valued correspondant Simon for this chucklesome guest piece! If you'd like to contribute to Melted Felt then please drop us a mail to support@sngplanet.com - thanks!

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