Monday, 29 September 2008

Shock As Intellipoker Dominate Sunday Million Final Table

The online poker world was in a state of shock last night, Melted Felt can exclusively report, as players showing the Intellipoker avatar took all 9 seats of the final table of the Poker Stars Sunday Million.

Battling their way through a huge field made up of online and live poker pros, cash game experts and tournament regulars the 'Intellipoker 9' called and called and called until every chip was in their hands...

(Editor - Stop, yes you the writer - stop that right now.... this story has gone too far, this blog is supposed to be poker satire... not poker farce)


Friday, 26 September 2008

Party Poker Open New Front In Ugly Baby Photo War

Party Poker have layed down the gauntlet, issued a challenge and will be ready at dawn with pistol drawn - as the online poker site war of ugly baby photos escalates to unprecidented heights, Melted Felt can exclusively report (yesterday).

The ability to upload your own personal image to the new Party Poker software client has thousands of European, Canadian and Russian parents of butt-ugly babies hovering over the 'upload button' ready to share their wrinked pink gremlinesque offspring's visage with the unsuspecting world.

Poker Stars, home of 10's of 1000's of ugly photos is not going to take the new challenge lying down... in between choruses of the 'Full Tilt is Sh1t' song which Stars staff are contractually obliged to sing 5 times daily (while facing east) our contact said the following.

"Ha, if Party think they are going to out-baby photo Stars then they have another thing coming" said our insider "we plan the biggest and best deployment of litterally millions of fat and revoltingly ugly baby photos by offering double points for the loose / passive calling stations who upload them" going on to day "While we understand that every parent thinks their baby is somehow beautiful while the rest are not we will encourage a reality check by making all players in the $1 Million Turbo Baby-Photo Takedown click a disclaimer which says in BIG WRITING 'yes, I do accept that my offspring is so stomach-churningly ugly that they should permanently wear a paper-bag'.

Party were unable to comment on baby photos as we went to press today. They did, however, assure us that any players uploading pictures of their cat would be instantly doomswitched,


Thursday, 25 September 2008

Kentucky In Poker Doman Grab

In yet another Melted Felt exclusive we can today break the news that the friendly 'Colonel' from KFC is in fact the evil mastermind behind an unprecidented step to wrest online gambling's biggest domains from their rightful owners.

The initiative, funded entirely by vested interests in mafia-style underground horse racing betting outfits, would set a global precident that anyone doing anything considered 'naughty' by a governmental organisation around the world could have their business shut down.

We asked the colonel, who is personally responsible for a thousand fried-rat-based urban myths, what the move meant to every day online poker fans, "hey, thats finger lickin' good" said the colonel, "we are looking for supporters in our bid to rid Kentucky Fried Chicken of rigged online poker games - for every donation we get you'll be slipped a dead-cert winner at the next meeting at Ellis Park - washed down with my superb new spicey chicken wraps for only 99c with any large size meal"

When asked about the potential to set precidents for other countries the Colonel - who is the only person alive to know the secret recepie for Coca Cola (erm, or something) - started getting a bit vauge, "these online poker sites don't pay pay a single cent in tax, even though they would like to and actually would welcome US-government regulation, along with a family bucket" continuing "our point is that racing horses is actually finger-licken'-good, while having your aces cracked online can lead to gun-related tilt incidents or dropping Zinger Tower burgers"

Well, thanks Colonel -we look forward to seeing 'Swift Destiny' come in 1st on Saturdays 2pm race at 6/1.


Wednesday, 24 September 2008

New Patented Fish-o-Meter Launched!!

Finding the fishy poker sites just got a ton easier with the launch todayof the patented fish-o-meter at one of Melted Felt's somewhat more seriouspoker strategy sister sites... the idea is simple, yet effective - you stopkidding yourselves that Stars or Tilt are 'just fine', input a few detailsinto the fish-o-meter then - bingo - open your eyes to a world of profitablealternatives to the 'big 2' - wherever in the world you are located.

Works for Cash Games, Tournaments, SNGs or a Mix of all 3... check it out at:

How To Find The Poker Fish


Tuesday, 23 September 2008

Hawking On 2+2 Magazine - Fu(ked If I Know...

Stephen Hawking, the super-brainy cripple from the UK - who can explain how black holes work using upside-down letters on a pocket calculator - yesterday sensationally admitted that the poker math in 2+2's online magazine is waaaay beyond him.

As each month goes by the authors of articles including 'ICM Decisions In Split Pot Tournaments', 'Using Equilibrium Strategy To Better Understand Exploitative Play' and 'Playing Multi-way pots in Stud-8 or better part #1'. try to out math each other, picking progressively narrorwer niches and showing the authors superior intellect by producing pages of figures which mean absolutely nothing to more than 99% of readers.

We asked Prof Hawking to check them out while taking a break from explaining the evolution of the early universe in base 7 with one hand tied behind his back.

An hour and a half later Stevey-boy - who famously 'ran off' with a blig-titted blonde nurse half his age' came back to us, saying the numbers were clear - but what the fu(k are you are supposed to do with them was a big a mystery as x-ray sources in supermassive black holes... might as well call anyway right - after all Poker Stars is obviously rigged!


Monday, 22 September 2008

Shock As Stars Discover 'Elky' Is French

Poker Stars were forced to take drastic measures yesterday - Melted Felt can exclusively reveal - after discovering that one of their own team of pros is, in fact, French.

Elky - real name Bertrand Grosspelier - has had to forfeit $10k in winnings and has been banned from the rest of the WCOOP events after the scandalous revalation came out.

The poker pro, who is based in South Korea, recently won the Poker Stars Carribean adventure and has had deep runs in many prestigeous live events was not available for comment. Instead we spoke to Stars to find out just how much of an impact the 'outing' of Elky as a Soap-Dodging Fenchy has caused.

"Oh la la", started our source, "I mean, we just had no idea that Elky came from the land of hairy-armpit women who snack the limbs of amphibians" continuing, "how he got through is a mystery - after all - the name does give it away somewhat, must have been an office junior thinking he was called Bert Gross or something like that".

"The mood in the Poker Stars office is one of shame and embarrassment at the moment, we are normally proud of our security measures and can not believe that a Garlic-Muncher got through" going on "Did we mention that Full Tilt Poker are Sh1te?".


Sunday, 21 September 2008

Global Financial System Saved - By PokerStars

We exclusively bring you inside news of how PokerStars saved the global financial system last week today on Melted Felt.

Yes, the last decade has seen an ecomony not built on foundations of productivity, value and innovation - but on a giant pyramid scheme of debt brought about by the collective delusion that house prices would continue to increase above their economic fundamentals indefinitely, that this time 'its different'.

The collapse of Bear Sterns, Freddy, Indy, Fannie, Lehman and AIG had the potential to bring the global financial system to its knees... prompting the Fed to made the call to PokerStars to see what could be done.

On each hand the rake of 15c to $3 seems insignificant... however multiplied by billions of hands this had actually allowed PokerStars to accumulate more than half of the money in the entire world (3% margin of error). Since money was what the global financial system was short of it made sense that the financial giants of old come under the direct control of the Isle-of-Man based online poker company.

Of course this came with a price... we can exclusively reveal that in president Bush's next televised address he is going to explain how it is the duty of every American to play the $10+rebuys at least once a week and how proud he is to have reached 'Silver Star'.

We also understand that future policy will be sponsored by Stars and are looking forward to the 2008 election much more now that it is titled 'Full Tilt Poker Is Sh1t Election 2008'.


Friday, 19 September 2008

Mike Matusow Loses WCOOP Braclet To Granny

This MF exclusive was brought to you by our regular correspondant Simon - feel free to send us yours:

Mike 'The Mouth' Matusow missed out on another WSOP bracelet recently in WCOOP event 192 - $5000 'SNAP'.

In a dramatic final table, 'The Mouth' lost to Gladys Lynne, and 84-year-old widower from Eastbourne in Surrey, UK. 'The Mouth' vented his frustration on his latest low quality advice video on Pokertube: 'I must be the unluckiest guy in the world. EVERY SINGLE TIME I get close to winning a bracelet some donk lucks out and beats me. I mean - WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE - they don't deserve to play poker. WHAT THE HELL is going on ONLINE POKER IS RIGGED. Oh my god if I won even a quarter of the pots I should be winning I'd own my own country by now....'

Melted Felt spoke to Mrs Lynne:

'Well my grandaughter set up this 'Interweb' thingy so I can play bingo with my friends, but I pressed the wrong button and ended up playing cards. Now we used to play 'snap' under Lambeth tube station during the blitz as a child so I am pretty good at it. When I saw two Jacks come up I hit the 'snap' button and I won!'

When asked on what she would do with the $240,000 first prize she repplied,' Well it seems an awfull lots of money, but then everything is so expensive nowadays. I've never quite understood new pounds anyway. I remember when a whisky and soda only cost 2 shillings... I would quite like to buy a beach hut on camber sands though - I could drink tea and do the knitting. In fact you're a nice young man, would you like to come and keep me company....?'

This reporter declined the invitation and managed to get a few further words from Mike 'The Mouth':'Well I was running really well and berating all the donks as usual. I got to the final against some chick I'd never played before when I heard the doorbell ring. Now I thought it was the Krispy Creme Guy, sorry I mean charity collectors from the orphanage, so turned my head and before I knew there goes another bracelet. I AM SO UNLUCKY. INTERNET DONKS......'

Congratulations to Gladys from MF!!

Wednesday, 17 September 2008

Exclusive - Fish Cure Approved By Food And Drug Administration!

Cheaper than cardrunners, more digestable than Harrington on holdem... the latest pills will have you crushing the $3 / $6 6-max NL Holdem games in no time at all - just send $99.99 to 'Melted Felt' PO Box 1234, Some Dodgy Industrial Part, The Outskirts of Chicago.... or maybe not.


Tuesday, 16 September 2008

Exposed: Barney Frank In Votes-For-Bills Scandal

An exclusive so exclusive you would have to be in the VIP area to even feel how exclusive it is, or something - today here at Melted Felt... when we reveal that the government guy you thought was standing up for the rights of poker players is actually a bit of a charlatan.

Yes, Respresentative Barney Frank, famous for having only one testicle - which is the size of a tennis ball, has been putting literally 100's of bills through to (allegedly) buy votes from the millions of niche organisations around the US. These sensationally include:

- HR54920, the free vetinary insurance for owners of Irish Setters in the Philadelphia metroplitan area act.

- HR58272, the federal monopodes right to rear-end kicking competitions without police busts act.

- HR11956, the Texan crazy-nut cults right to brainwash vulerable young adults with learning difficulties into lives of sexual servitude with beared wierdos with thick glasses act, part #2.

- HR29820, the right of every american to use the body parts of Beavers for the purposes of cosmetic surgery act.

We tried to contact Mr Frank, who famously enjoys 'sweetbread' the snack made from sheeps testicles, to ask him whether he really supported online poker, or was just sweetening the voting papers for a generation of spend-18-hours-daily-at-their-computers-cool-kids.

After we went through our allegations the staff at his office refused to comment - requesting that we put our case in writing. After we persisted the concession was made that Barney would phone us back... just as soon as he finished having the Beaver's testicle implants removed from his nose.


Monday, 15 September 2008

Annette_15 Decides to Show Everyone

In an amazing turn of events, Annette_15, the poker wunderkind and someone the new poker brats look up to, has decided to prove to all how great a player she is. Having had success in numerous online events "playing blind" she has decided to take it to the next logical step. On a date to yet be determined, she has decided to have laser eye surgery to blind herself permanently.

"This will show all that I am a true Poker diety" she is having heard yell at fans following her through the local pie shops of her home town. "I decided to prove to the world that I can play blind all the time" she boasted. She will not use a card reader, as did that blind guy from the WSOP. "Why bother? I am just going to go all in all the time and continue to rebuy when I don't suck out. Poker is such a game of skill I know I will win."

Annette_15 is keeping mum on when the operation is to take place, but it is common knowledge that she wants to have this completed and be ready for the WSOPE coming up later this year. If she repeats as the winner of this event, Annette has advised that the next logical step is to detroy her hearing so that she will not be able to hear either. Eventually her goal is to be as Helen Keller, Annette_15's personal hero. "Just imagine", she said to the local shopping newspaper, "I would be as one with the table, the cards, and the chips."

In hearing the current news, Jerry Yang, 2007 WSOP champion, says he will be bringing Holy water and a priest to the WSOPE with hopes of excorcising the demons from Annette_15's body with hopes of saving her soul. Greg Raymer just hopes she brings a pie figuring that being blind, she would never see him taking it.


Thanks very much to GuyNotes for this fun submission - even managed to keep up the tradition of mentioning pies each time Annette is covered (even if Raymer did eat it this time). Always happy to receive your submissions...

Friday, 12 September 2008

Concern After Kim-Jong-il Misses WCOOP #11

Concerns continued to grow for the welfare of commie dictator and all-round axis of evil dude Kim Jong-il yesterday - Melted Felt can exclusively report.

After Kimmy-boy failed to turn up to the parade of fu"k-off huge guns and stuff which marked North Korea's 60th anniversary, there was some speculation as to his health and wellbeing. These doubts were magnified 100-fold when Kim did not make an appearance in WCOOP event #11 - the Pot Limit Omaha Hi-Lo Split championship event.

Our informant told us that Kim Jong-il was actually feeling pretty confident about taking the event down, and becoming the first North Korean WCOOP winner in history - since he had never ever (not even once) lost a single poker game in his home country, which was absolutely nothing to do with the fact that his opponents were so sh1t scared of winning that they deliberately played bad.

Asked about his strategy our informer said that keeping the entire population on the brink of starvation, spending money on big missiles and appearing completely fu"king insane most of the time should do it nicely... alongside the implicit threat to sell nukes to terrorists if any western nation dare to criticise his BIG glasses.

We then asked the same question again - only this time more specifically about poker strategy. This time our informer denied that Kim Jong-il had suffered a stroke... saying that it was in fact the North Korean dictators cat who had the stroke... and also a tickle behind the ears.


Thursday, 11 September 2008

World Not Ended - Poker's Mysteries To Be Revealed

Journalists and media-moguls worldwide were sensationally left rather disappointed this Thursday... as the big physics experiment thingy in Switzerland managed to get switched on without creating a supermassive black hole on Wednesday afternoon.

Melted Felt will leave them with the not insignificant thought as to exactly who would have bought their full color pull out 'universe ends' suppliment anyway and concentrate on providing a list of the biggest poker mysteries.

The idea is that by smashing things together (for example cats, take-away cartons full of cold chicken tikka-massala and Intellipoker Players) we might be able to unravel the answers to the questions which make up the very core of poker.... questions such as:

- Would Jesus Ferguson beat Jesus Christ heads-up with deep stacks?

- Is AAKK double suited or AAJ10 double suited a better post-flop PLO hand at a full table when in 5th position with a limper ahead and Swedish players in the blinds?

- Just exactly what is it about Phil Ivey's chin that is a 'lill bit wierd?

- Has anyone ever successfully cashed out of Bodog Poker?

- Why is there no such word as 'fold' in French, or Dutch, erm or Italian?

- Do tournaments or cash games require more skill*?

Any more questions for the hadron-collider to answer??? Let us know! In the meantime we intend to get into the spirit of things by finding random things to collide here in the Melted Felt office... weeeeeeeeeee - Pcccchhhh.


PS: Thanks once again to Simon for his inputs for this article!! Your thoughts / articles / ideas / abuse is always welcome at (yeah, we know - expecting us to check even one e-mail address is bad enough... but 2?!?)

* Please do not even consider trying to answer this one in a comment... we simply do not care.

Wednesday, 10 September 2008

EPT Barcelona Kicks Off - Exclusive Interview With The Tournament Director

The exclusives come thick and fast at Melted Felt - and today's interview with Manuel Olajajabolojos - the tournament director for the EPT Barcelona - is no exception.

With the preliminary events just underway we began by asking Manuel how the preparations for the big event were going?

Melted Felt: So, how are the prepartions for the main event going?

Manuel: Que?

Melted Felt: K?

Manuel: Si

Metled Felt: K-C??

Manuel: Que?

Melted Felt: Ok, we seem to have some issues - how many players are you expecting for the big event?

Manuel: Men? Oh you Orelly Men? Si?

Melted Felt: Erm, no, let us move on to the skills of the players you are expecting - how do these rate compared to previous years?

Manuel: Rate? It no rate - is hamster!

Melted Felt: Arrr, we were not asking about hamsters... the skills of the players in the EPT Barcelona event - how would you rate them?

Manuel: Is special Siberian hamster, Si, man in shop sold me, last one, only 5 pounds.

Melted Felt: (shouting) Rate - not rat!!

Manuel: No need to shout, Si?

.... at this point Melted Felt gave up and started to look forward to the torrential drizzle forcast for the EPT London instead.....


Tuesday, 9 September 2008

Poker Stars WCOOP $10k Results In Mass Bankroll Reflections

As the $30 Million Gtd 2008 World Championship Of Online Poker continues on Poker Stars, Melted Felt bring you news of the results of yesterday's $10K buy-in no limit holdem event.

Designed for the high-rollers, this tournament saw the worlds best poker players (oh and the lucky fish who won the 2003 WSOP) battle it out for a multi-million prize pool.

The actual result was suprising.

Yes, it made some rich people somewhat richer, however the mass demoralisation of previously happy small stakes players was the main result of this event.

- Rob from Utah was feeling good about his Sharkscope graph, showing an uptick that took his online bankroll over the $200 mark for the first time. He was even contemplating moving up to the $5 SNGs some time real soon. However, seeing the 3/4ths of a million awarded for 1st prize in the $10k WCOOP event put it into a sad perspective... Rob has now withdrawn his roll and spent the money on crack cocaine.

- Lizzy from Toronto was feeling like an expert after repeatedly explaining a fish exactly why their turn call with a gutshot and 7 high flush was bad, since it was clear she had aces. The fish were (apparently) really impressed by her knowledge, however the 5c / 10c game that Liz had been crushing online seemed a little futile compared to the entry fee to the big WCOOP event.... Lizzy will now be focusing exclusively on telling the players in Hubbles Freeroll how bad they are.


Sunday, 7 September 2008

PokerStars APPT Macau Final Table Preview

As the exiting climax of the Poker Stars sponsored Asia-Pacific Poker Tour (APPT) Macau event gets underway, Melted Felt bring you an exclusive look at a final table made up of some of the biggest names in the history of the region.

Before we get there, a sigh of relief after the bubble as the last Japaniese contestant was busted in 10th place. The shame and indignity of finding out he was dominated lead yet another potentially talented Jap to commit hari-kari right there at the table... cleaning staff had just enough 'vanish' to clear up all the blood and are celebrating the fact that there are no further contestants from the land of the rising sun in the contest.

So - the Poker Stars APPT Macau Final Table Lineup:

Seat 1: Jackie Chan - 1.2 Million chips, a menacing figure at the best of time Jackie was a little disappointed not to have position on Bruce Lee, but is apparently really looking forward to the first person to point out that Jackie is a girls name.

Seat 2: Chairman Mao - With 1.6 Million Chips, the chairman is campaigning hard for everyones chips to be set at an equal level after each hand of 1 million chips each. His own stack would thus be 3 million... after all some poker players are more equal than others.

Seat 3: The Dalai Lama - 600k Chips, Well the Dalai may want to free Tibet, but he absolutely hates giving free cards - players are especially well advised to respect the serene one's check-raises.

Seat 4: Pol Pot - 200k Chips, nobody can be 100% sure, but there is a strong suspicion that former Khumer leader Pot has the Dead Kennedys 'Holiday In Cambodia' on infinite repeat on his iPod.

Seat 5: Monkey Magic: 1.9 Million Chips, banned from using his magic staff or flapping his lips vigorously with a finger - Money will certainly benefit from strategy insights and knowledge of Pigsy in the intervals.

Seat 6: Bruce Lee: 1 Chip, Bruce may be down on chips but he is certainly not out, expect a fightback lasting 30 minutes which leaves all opponents lying around the venue with broken necks.

Seat 7: How Hi: 750k Chips: This previously unknown contestant from Xing proving once and for all that how high is a Chinaman.

Seat 8: Ho Chi Minh: 2.7 Million Chips, the former leader of the Viet Cong is no stranger to conflict, already thought to have built tunnels under his opponent's seats in case things go wrong.

Seat 9: Fu Manchu: 1.1 Million Chips, expected to be under serious scrutiny at the final table, the completely fictional evil criminal mastermind is thought to have bought the services of Jackie Chan, held How Hi's entire family hostage... and may be keeping some rather explicit photos of the Dalai Lama in compromising situations with a duck.


Saturday, 6 September 2008

Poker Affiliate Offers 'A Life' For Sign-Ups

The shady world of poker affiliates was in shock last night, as they tried to come to terms with a serious escalation in the incentives on offer.

Traditionally affiliates have offered cheap plastic chip sets, out of date books and banned poker software in exchange for signing up to sites through their bonus codes... now Tom - from ShadyAffiliateDealz (.com) has 'upped the ante' by offering his visitors 'a life' in exchange for depositing a minimum of $50 on some obsure poker site or other.

Yes, all you need to do is collect 100 'loyal player points' and you will authomatically qualify for the following:

- A small group of friends to go out partying with.
- A girlfriend / boyfriend (depending on your sex and / or personal preferences)
- Some reasonably trendy clothes
- An ebook detailing 50 different 'conversations' which do not include any mention of poker what so ever.

Sounds like a great offer to us! However some of the more established affiliates obviously do not agree... Melted Felt have already heard rumors on the grapevine that Bonus Wh0res are going to start offering breakfast-in-bed with 'special massage' for their customers, while PSO are considering a special freeroll fo their sign-ups in which the winner gets the entire continent of Australia....


Thursday, 4 September 2008

Exclusive: An Interview With Durrr

In a potentially futile attempt to prove that high-stakes online poker pro Durrr actually has a personality, Melted Felt are happy to bring you this exclusive interview.

For those readers who are not familiar with the 21 year old prodigy, he can regularly be found at Full Tilt Poker playing heads-up PLO and exchanging pots running into 10's - if not $100's of thousands... getting super-rich at a young age has been an inspiration for many aspiring poker pros, who wish that one day they can be as utterly dull as Durrr.

Melted Felt: Hey Durrr, thanks for joining us for this exclusive interview - how are you today?

Durrr: Sorry, I;m not sure that that subject is something I'd like to discuss.

Melted Felt: Ahh, well, maybe you could give us a brief summary of how you got into poker and moved up the stakes so fast?

Durrr: Well, if I talked about that then my edge at the tables might be dimished.

Melted Felt: Can you explain the popularity of high stakes PLO for the high-rollers like yourself?

Durrr: I do not really have a comment on that at the moment.

Melted Felt: Wow, so you are famous for the big heads-up matches with Phil Ivey, what is it like playing against one of the biggest names in the poker world?

Durrr: I do not want to talk about any individual opponents at the moment.

Melted Felt: So, if you never say anything about poker, maybe we could ask what other passtimes you enjoy? Are you a big sport fan?

Durrr: This is a poker interview right? So, I can not disclose information about any other subject.

Melted Felt: Okkkkkkaaay then... Well, we have heard (viscious and unsubstantiated) rumors that due to your complete lack of personality your interviews to date have been dull enough to send the most fervent poker-geek to sleep... is this true?

Durrr: Sorry, I would not want to give away any information which could make my rivals have an edge over me in being-interviewed games.

Melted Felt: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz


Wednesday, 3 September 2008

Hurricane Gustav Forces WSOP Europe Contingency Plan

The recent cancellation of the Gulf Poker Classic due to the approach of hurricane Gustav has had effects way beyond the southern states - Melted Felt can exlusively report.

In October the 2nd World Series Of Poker Europe event will be held in London, England. In order to prevent any risk to this prestigeous event from the weather, the organisers found a panel of experts to put together a 3-stage alert system which will determine the correct course of action should mother nature intervene.

Stage One - Bronze Status: This status will be triggered when the outside conditions are considered 'a little parky* for the time of year'. One this level is reached nice cups of tea with a dash of milk and some tasty biscuits will be immediately distributed among all staff and competitors. To prevent further risks if the situation deteriorates the local Womens Institute will immediately begin knitting chunky scarfs.

Stage Two - Silver Status: In the quite probable event that some drizzle or maybe even light rain should fall the Silver plan will be immediately implemented. This involves distribution of green Wellington boots, umberellas and the shipment of 500 Mark's and Spencers real lambswool brown cardigans - to replace any clothing that has inadvertently become a little damp.

Stage 3 - Gold Status: This is reserved for the most serious of British weather conditions, Fog! There are actually sub-levels including, 'somewhat reduced visibility, especially in low-lying areas', 'blimey chaps the clouds are low this morning' and 'its a real bloody pea-souper this time'. The advice from the WSOP organisers is not to panic as the start of the tournament will be delayed by up to 15 minutes so that everyone can arrive in time...


* 'Parky' = cold / chilly

Monday, 1 September 2008

World Poker Association Aims To Fix Something That Is Not Broken

Uniform standards in all poker tournaments, rules which say you have to be very nice indeed and no short blind levels which give fish a chance to win - that was the line of the World Poker Association as they attempt to sensationally fix something which has been working just fine for many years thank you very much, erm, yesterday.

Yes, in the eyes of the WPA's Jesse Jones and his 1400 members (representing 0.00000083% of poker players worldwide), 60 minute blind levels give fishy fish fish too big a chance to actually win.

Now, thinking this through.

To make poker tournaments 'better' you want to create an environment where those recreational players who donate almost the entire prize pool have a lower chance of winning than the microscopic chance they already had... and they'll know it.

So, instead of having a chance of winning with their gamble playing off... they'll go sit at the blackjack tables instead. Since in the eyes of the WPA poker is a serious business in which those players who have no chance of winning should not be allowed to enter, with the entire prize pool coming from Phil Helmuth sponsored beer?

Well, we can do better than that! The MFPA (Melted Felt Poker Association) immediately calls for the following changes to the rules of a game which has been played for decades without any problems at all:

- A referee, in a stripey top, with a BIG whistle to watch the tables and issue warnings, 10 minute penalties and sendings-off for misdemeanors such as slowrolling and overlimping with aces.

- Clarification on which words are allowable when it comes to insulting opponents, for example is the use of 'Feltching' allowed or not for f^cks sake?

- Marching bands and cheerleaders during breaks and popcorn while playing.

- Blind levels that go up exclusively at 60 minute intervals, but at a rate 33% less than the WPA preferred 90 minute raises.

- A team of physio's with a bottle of 'magic spray' to dash to tables where someone has suffered a bad beat and apply immediate therapy.

- Mandatory drug tests and a ban on the consumption of alco... hang on - this post is now getting silly.


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