Tuesday, 16 September 2008

Exposed: Barney Frank In Votes-For-Bills Scandal

An exclusive so exclusive you would have to be in the VIP area to even feel how exclusive it is, or something - today here at Melted Felt... when we reveal that the government guy you thought was standing up for the rights of poker players is actually a bit of a charlatan.

Yes, Respresentative Barney Frank, famous for having only one testicle - which is the size of a tennis ball, has been putting literally 100's of bills through to (allegedly) buy votes from the millions of niche organisations around the US. These sensationally include:

- HR54920, the free vetinary insurance for owners of Irish Setters in the Philadelphia metroplitan area act.

- HR58272, the federal monopodes right to rear-end kicking competitions without police busts act.

- HR11956, the Texan crazy-nut cults right to brainwash vulerable young adults with learning difficulties into lives of sexual servitude with beared wierdos with thick glasses act, part #2.

- HR29820, the right of every american to use the body parts of Beavers for the purposes of cosmetic surgery act.

We tried to contact Mr Frank, who famously enjoys 'sweetbread' the snack made from sheeps testicles, to ask him whether he really supported online poker, or was just sweetening the voting papers for a generation of spend-18-hours-daily-at-their-computers-cool-kids.

After we went through our allegations the staff at his office refused to comment - requesting that we put our case in writing. After we persisted the concession was made that Barney would phone us back... just as soon as he finished having the Beaver's testicle implants removed from his nose.


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