Friday, 28 November 2008

60 Minutes To Show Poker In 100% Favorable Terms This Sunday

As poker players across the nation look forward to the delayed episode of 60 minutes featuring poker's recent 'superuser' scandals, Melted Felt is pleased to exclusively report that poker will be shown in such massively favorable terms that Mormons are expected to convert enmasse, yesterday.

Yes, there is little doubt that online poker will be shown to the nation as a wholesome and natural competetive passtime enjoyed by all-American families providing a profitable outlet for those competative instincts. 60 minutes are also expected to show you:

- How poker boosts your relationships with wives or girl / boyfriends and makes you irrististable to the opposite sex if you are currently single.

- The fantastic effect of online poker in gaining you massive respect among those who accused you of being a spotty little fuck who spent all day clicking a mouse in a darkened room.

- Provide facts and figure which will turn your family into staunch supporters of your plan to drop out of college and multi-table 25c / 50c 6-max no limit for a living, I mean - does Chris Ferguson have an, erm, degree?

- 60 Minutes will prove, once and for all, that you are a good player - way above average in fact, and that if you could JUST HAVE NORMAL LUCK you'd be rich by now, filthy rich, OMG the donk sucked out again, jeeze, you are just so talented, oh no, rivered, you should be sooo rich, really, sigh.

- They will go on to make such a hugely convincing argument that poker is a skill game and should be immediately legalised that Bill Frist will come out of retirement especially to draft the legalisation bill himself.

Well, we read your hopes all over the forums folks and MF have a question to ask you...
Favorable, really?


Wednesday, 26 November 2008

McDonalds Party Bookings Plummet As Nevada Consider Lowering Gambling Age

In yet another in a long line of shocking and sensational exclusives, Melted Felt can today reveal the desperation of Casino barrons has lead to a lobby to lower the legal gambling age in Nevada to 5, yesterday.

With the economy in recession the number of drunk tourists donking off their cash in legally (and openly) rigged casino games has hit an all time low, with several casinos now actually 100% dependant on T J Cloutier's craps habit.

We spoke to a casino industry insider shortly before he started cleaning gentlemans restroom on level 3 of the Rio. "They are going after the pocket money dollar" he mumbled, "with 50 million children each receiving a weekly average of $4.25 each the market is huge - and that is not even including those old enough to get a paper delivery job or sell home-made lemonade".

A dealer admitted he was worried by the thought, "The little fuckers are vicious - slowrolling, angle grinding, you name it" he said. "in fact I have lost track of the times I've seen the 9 year olds down a big glass of milk in one slug and then challenge an opponent 4 or 5 times their age to 'Heads Up 4 Rollz' ", going on to admit that "it just loses its intimidating edge when the aggressor is 4 feet tall and wearing a milk-moustache".

Even before the governer considers his stance on the proposal, sales of McDonalds happy-meal parties have plummetted, proving that the nations tots are looking forward to lecturing you on exactly how your play was a negative expectation reverse implied odds situation - donk.


Monday, 24 November 2008

Shock As Eric Liu Buys Lederer With Stars FPPs

The world of online poker was left in turmoil yesterday, Melted Felt is pleased to exclusively report - after a Full Tilt 'Red Pro' actually managed to buy Howerd Lederer - using Poker Stars FPPs.

Eric Liu - a trainer for the well known cardjoggers training site has been sponsored by Full Tilt for some time. Being a red pro bringing numerous priviledges including 100% rakeback and the ability to create multiple accounts to take advantage of your unsuspecting opponents.

The fact that Liu had been 'secretly' playing at Poker Stars long enough to accumulate a huge pot of 'Frequent Player Points' (FPPs) was shocking enough... but using those same points to actually buy Howard Lederer - owner of Full Tilt - has left the poker world gibbering nonsense and playing marginal hands out of position.

Speculation on what Liu will do with his newly aquired Lederer is anybody's guess at this point in time... though rumors are already surfacing of a baby-oil lubricated celebrity death match with Cardjoggers CFO Lee Jones...


Sunday, 23 November 2008

Aussie Millions - Concern Over Structure Grows

The organisers of the 2009 Aussie Millions - the prestigious poker tournament held in Australia - were keeping tight lipped about the tournament's structure yesterday, Melted Felt can exclusively report. We sent the Melted Felt Mole deep into their organisation to bring you another sensational exclusive!

Concerns started after last years structure diminished the skill-edge of top internet pros by using real chips and cards. With blinds of 100 / 200 and 500 chips to start, the room for post flop play was 'kind of cramped according' to one winner of a UB Freeroll.

Our mole infiltrated the organisation to the highest levels - getting the following exclusive information from the head of barbequeues... this year they will start with 10,000 chips and blinds of 25 / 50 - the same as they do in the World Series. However, in order to differentiate this tournament from the 100's of others around the world, the following changes are to be brought in to 'Keep It Ozzie'.

- Play will flow counter-clockwise to match the spiral of water going down plugholes.

- Cards will be dealt face-up, but the individual players will be seated underneath the tables.

- When anyone calls the clock on an opponent a 10 minute timer will be started and cans of Fosters lager distributed to all the players.

- The dealing of the first 3 community cards will not be known as 'the flop', in keeping with Australian culture we will now see the "Strewth!" instead, the turn the "Hooley-Dooley" and the river the "Fair-Dinkum".

- The tournament will break for 30 minutes at 15:25 hours each day for Home And Away.

Well, enjoy the tournament, Melted Felt are off to look at the under / over for how many idiots come home with a digeridoo...


Wednesday, 19 November 2008

New Record Number Think PokerStars Is Rigged

Despite the efforts of politicians who believe that any type of enjoyment is against the will of god and that money is better spent on war, the number of people playing online poker actually continues to grow.

The latest record to be breached was the 30,000 simultaneous cash game players over at Poker Stars - this is the largest number since the 2nd largest number and shows just how fucking fat the wallets of the owners must be.

However, Melted Felt would not be at the cutting-edge of poker news merely regurgitating the same old headlines - no, we are pleased (yesterday) to bring you another sensational exclusive, this time concening the record number of people who think that PokerStars is rigged.

Its all in the numbers.

With 30,000 cash game players each having a pair of aces at least once during the evening, we can sensationally report that 6,000 of them typed 'JokerStars' into the chat box at least once, when cracked by a badly played pair of 9's.

Next we combine those who had a pair against a flush draw with one card to come and lost... typing 'of course, every time at this site'... thats another 7,500... an all-in pre-flop confrontation between A-K and A-Q lead to another 10,000 people typing in 'knew it was going to happen before I called - this site is rigged'.... with suited connectors cracking trips, straights counterfeiting 2-small pairs and high cards beating even higher other cards we can add another 7,777 very easily indeed, and we have not even started on the PLO yet...

This brings us to the exclusive, sensational, impressive, erm, number of people who are damn sure that PokerStars is rigged despite a single piece of factual evidence to the contrary in more than 12 Billion tracked hands - too.... 31,227 - someone call Norris McFickingWerter.


Tuesday, 18 November 2008

Red-Faces As Yang Resigns As Head Of Yahoo!

There were red-faces all round in the cross over world of internet portals and live poker calling stations yesterday - Melted Felt is pleased to exclusively report... after 2007 WSOP Main Event winner Jerry Yang tried to resign from a job he did not actually hold.

Yes, Jerry Yang's resignation of Yahoo! Chief Executive caused more than red-faces yesterday. According to the Melted Felt mole there were a couple of embarrassed coughs, some staring at shoes, an incident or two of newly identified dirt under the finger nails and even an idle whistle.

Yang patently waited for the minor hubub to die down before carefully explaining that he calls, erm, no, we mean that as much as he has enjoyed being CEO of Yahoo since his World Series win, he would rather someone more suitable took the job.

Apparently Yang discovered that there is a big skill difference between calling any and all bets all the way to the river with any 2 cards every time but somehow lucking out - and running one of the world's largest internet portals... and to be honest he would rather be at home having a nice sit down.

The board meeting was closed with a tentative acceptance speach from the head of Human Resources - who managed to eloquenty thank Yang for resigning from a job he never held and compliment him on being the world's most successful calling station at the same time.

Asked whether he thought that God approved of giant multinational internet portals Yang (naturally) flat-called.


Sunday, 16 November 2008

Lederer 'Accidentally' Sells 183% of Full Tilt

As the news broke yesterday that once-pretty poker pro Clonnie Gowan is to sue Full Tilt the Melted Felt mole was dispatched. Our findings were so shocking, so sensational and so on (!) that we just had to immediately bring you another Melted Felt exclusive.

The news broke that Howerd Lederer promised the ghostly pro 1% of Full Tilt back in 2004, in return for playing a bit of poker on the (then fledgling) site and regular videotaped 3-somes with Jennifer Tilly. With an insulting amount of just $250k in the post - Gowan declared war, stating in legal filings that she will not drop charges until able to parade both of Howerd's testicles nailed to a long pole through the streets of Las Vagas.

Our mole, in conjunction with Howerd Lederer's pet tuna*, uncovered a twist that could see the skin and bones of Gowan somewhat disapointed. After watching the classic comedy film 'The Producers' Howerd decided to promise no less than 183% of Full Tilt to build up his stable of poker pros - betting that at least half would be either dead, broke or too drunk to notice by the time it came to paying out any cash.

He also sold an addition 7% stake to Satan in return for pinning a scandal on UB - however the legal jurastiction of this is unknown, so we have not counted it in the total.

Here at Melted Felt we believe this story has a long way to run - stay tuned (oh and please read our disclaimer!).


* For background on Howerd Lederer's pet tuna, check out our: Interview With The Full Tilt Poker Shark

Thursday, 13 November 2008

Spectre Of UIGEA Enactment Leads To Mass Faked Withdrawal Concerns

Worry, concern, a couple of the usual weak noises from the PPA and a mass of fake fretting about 'online 'rolls' has spread like wildfire through the internet yesterday (Melted Felt can exclusively report), as information came to light that president Bush was about to press the 'nuke online poker button' by actually enacting the UIGEA.

An example involved 18 year old Chris from Tampa, who plays (badly) under the screen name TeddyKGB123JediSharkNateDog987. He popped up in several online forums with posts (in ALL CAPS of course) saying things like, "F Bush man, I'm really worried about my online 'roll, should I be withdrawing it now are we ok for another month? I'm gonna move to fing Canada... etc etc'

Another losing microstakes donkey, Brian from Iowa has been recommending that players relax, chipping in to the internet discussion to say he is going to withdraw everything over the $5,000 mark from all of his internet accounts.

The reality is, of course very different, the health of the economy fortunately not being dependant on either Chris' total bankroll of $17,38c or the 2765 play money dollars Brian (who is actually only 11) managed to accumulate thus far.

Still, even today, 100's of similar losers are using the opportunity that the game we love is in danger to make themselves look 'cool' in front of 100's of other similar losers they will never ever meet. The power of the networked world in action.


Wednesday, 12 November 2008

Eastgate Victory: Danish Press Push Aside Cartoons

Melted Felt is pleased to exclusively report a monumentus decision taken yesterday - that the Danish press would cancel their anti-religious cartoon publishing for the rest of the week to make space to write stuff about 13-year-old Dane Peter Eastgate's historically delayed WSOP victory.

Munching a tasty Bacon sandwich washed down with Carlsberg our Denmark correspondant told us that he was personally very pleased indeed that he is not a German, and that the 'land of peace and smiles' would be celebrating the 60% tax on Eastgates winnings by eating a LOT of bacon, and drinking even more Carlsberg than usual.

Eastgate himself, who mentioned how proud he was not to be Swedish, admitted that after considering the traditional Danish careers of Pig-farming, brewing Carlsberg and drawing cartoons offending various relgions - he chose poker in order to follow in the footsteps of Gus Hansen, who famously looks like one of those 'Mr Potatohead' toys in which you stick plastic eyes, noses and ears to a raw potato.

Speaking to Lars Larson, editor of the biggest Danish daily newspaper 'The Your Religion Sucks Big Time Times' we found out the plans for the coverage. "Firstly I'd like to mention how good it feels not to be a depressed Finn" said Lars, continuing. "we planned a great series of anti-religeous cartoons this week in which a fleet of stinking Norwegian whalers harpooned Buddah" going on, "but in light of Peters historical victory we were thinking instead that publishing pictures of unimpressed ordinary Danes sticking out their bottom lips, turning their palms upwards and saying 'ja, of course' - now if you will excuse me my bacon and Carlsberg is waiting...".


Monday, 10 November 2008

Harrah's Blame Losses On Failed Brewery Piss-up Ventures

Both the business and gambling fraternities were bewildered yesterday, Melted Felt can exclusively report - as Hurrah's, the grand-daddy of casino operations, posted a loss of $7000 trillion dollars for the 3rd quarter.

Financial Analysts, economics experts and small-stakes fixed-limit holdem players worldwide were totally baffled - since all this well known organisation actually needed to do was to take a little bit of money for each hand played - or in the case of casino gamblers simply fix the odds in their favour.

While Harrah's poined fingers at the wider economic downturn, the Melted Felt mole managed to penetrate the upper levels of their management structure, where the post-room staff told us the real story.... that the losses had come when management were given the task of starting a new division - organising piss-ups in breweries around the world.

Our informer told us that after executive training courses in which those at director level and higher had to organise an egg in a battery-chicken farm, the successful candidates were given the job of bringing together people and alcohol to make a profit. However, just like taking a small amount of money from each hand at a poker table the guys found it too fucking difficult.

Melted Felt understand that future training courses are in plan which hope to see this company return to profit... only the boss can not remember exactly what it is that they were supposed to organise at the local wh0re house....


Sunday, 9 November 2008

Poker's Multi-Accounting Scandal - Queues Form

Melted Felt can sensationally reveal yet another poker exclusive yesterday, as Seal and Mr Casino become the latest confirmed cheats in a poker scandal that is mushrooming into watergatesque proportions.

We understand that groups as far ranging as The Masons, The Mafia, The Kahnawake tribe, the mormons, illuminati (who also issued a second statement denying that they exist) and of course the completely useless PPA are to issue a joint statement. This will distance them from multi-accounting and the backing of almost every decent player in the field, claiming that instituational corruption, organized crime, drug running, political scams and prostitution are all decent and well established professions - and not be be mentioned alongside the evil multi-accounters.

It seems like years ago that Zee Justin, The Void and JJ Prodigies kiddy crew were caught cheating. Our insider was able to reveal that a 'big guy' known as Derick "Bed-Linen' Faber was now behind the bankrolls of the vast majority of people who play each other at online final tables, and that this was spreading to his accomplice 'Jimmy Dax'.

We asked PokerStars to explain how the inter-account transfers and final-table appearances were monitored and controlled to prevent suspicion of softplaying... initially they responded by sending us a giant poster of Chris Moneymakers WSOP championship win. After persisting with this important line of enquiry it was made very clear to us that further attempts to gain information would be met by a lot more of these posters... a very scary prospect indeed.


Thursday, 6 November 2008

McCain - "Lets Settle This Heads-Up'

As the dust settles in a presidential election - in which millions of people pretended they had not seen the polls and acted surprised at the result - some bitterness in the republican camp still remains, Melted Felt is pleased to exclusively report yesterday.

While John McCain was all humility, smiles and self-blame on the podium - even congratulating Obama by telephone. We have actually seen the text transcript from the chat-box at the election 50c / $1 No-Limit table in which a very different picture was clear for all to see...

Not only did the bitter McCain accuse Barak Obama of being a fish, card-rack, luck-box and fortunate fool on no less than 36 separate occasions - he even challenged his opponent to a $5 / $10 heads-up match to 'sort the men from the boys' after losing a big pot to a flopped full house.

Our Stars insider was actually able to reveal that McCain has less than the 20 blind minimum buy-in for this level, after spending all of his budget trying to convince the American public that Obama supported abortion in gay marriages.

Blushes were actually spared when the heads-up challenge was turned down, with Obama typing that he would like to be inclusive - however the McCain camp was quick to claim victory, noting that even though Barak has totally outplayed him at both 'No-Limit Texas Holdem' and 'Getting Elected As President'... the fact that he was not willing to play heads-up at ten times his usual buy-in proves beyond doubt that he is a fish.


Tuesday, 4 November 2008

Shock As Sharkscope Ban PokerStars

The great unwashed denizens of the online poker world were in shock yesterday, Melted Felt can exclusively report - after Sharkscope, the online database of Sit N Go tournament results, decided to add PokerStars to its ' banned ' list.

Sharkscope were forced to take the unprecidented step after it was revealed that players were using PokerStars accounts to search for their own names in some ego-congratulatory virtuo-narcisistic graph-fetish*

*were gonna damn well copywright that one too

"It was getting too much", confided a Sharkscope insider, "These spotty kids were playing on Stars all day and using all of their 5 free searches on their own screen-names, once a-fucking-hour". Continuing, "We considered limiting the searches for PokerStars players, but the risks were just too high - it would only take 1 player with a subscription after all to ego-search all his 6-max colluding mates in one go".

The big question left by the banning of Stars is how poker forum strategy arguments are to be settled in the future. With posters unable to say 'well, my sharkscope graph is bigger than your dad, erm, no - your graph' we will be left in a difficult spot when it comes to the discussion of hands and poker strategy situations. The big concern is that reasoned argument might have to be used instead, which would absolutely ruin the childishly arrogant ambiance of many of the popular forums.

We asked a spokesman from PokerStars how they reacted to being banned by Sharkscope - however they were only able to look up from counting their HUGE piles of money for long enough to give us an assurance that Full Tilt Poker really really is shite.


Monday, 3 November 2008

Obama denies ties to PLO spokesman, has never even played Omaha

With just hours to go before the 'Worlds Greatest Democracy*' goes to the polls to choose a new ant, Melted Felt can bring you the last in our cutting line of election specials! We are honored to bring you a guest post from Shamus - who helps us shed light on what exactly Obama did and did not deny, yesterday.

In a statement issued on Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama’s website, the Obama campaign resolutely denied Republican VP candidate Sarah Palin’s “ugly assertions**” regarding Obama’s relationship with former neighbor Rashid Khalidi. Khalidi, a leading scholar of Middle Eastern studies at Columbia University , has denied accusations that he once acted as a PLO spokesperson in the 70s and 80s.

Khalidi, whom Palin described as an “associate” of Obama’s in a campaign speech at Bowling Green , Ohio on Wednesday, has refused further comment “until this idiot wind passes.”

In its statement, the Obama campaign characterized the charges as “another recycled, manufactured controversy from the McCain campaign to distract voters’ attention from John McCain’s lockstep support for George Bush’s economic policies.” The statement goes on to point out that not only is the characterization of Obama and Khalidi’s relationship false, “Senator Obama has never even played PLO” or pot-limit Omaha, a variant of Texas Hold’em currently gaining favor among online poker players in several battleground states.

The statement concludes its rebuttal by pointing out that “PLO was not even invented until the early 1980s, making it highly unlikely anyone could be a spokesperson for the game the decade before.”

No comment as yet from the Obama campaign regarding a recent 527-group funded ad accusing Senator Obama of having played several games of low limit Razz in late 1996 during his first term as an Illinois state senator.


* - Of course the rest of the world knows full well that only around 20% of those who could vote actually do... actually making it the world's 47th greatest democracy, but hey - keep saying it and it might come true.

** - The Melted Felt opinion is that those 'assertations' are the ugliest of them all... yikes!

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