Wednesday, 31 December 2008

Russian Prof Igor Panarin Predicts UIGEA Will Break Up The USA

A Geo-Political poker exclusive today with massive implications, here on Melted Felt. Igor Panarin, a leading Russian academic and former best friend of Teddy KGB has been making headlines the world over with his dire predictions that the UIGEA (together with some financial crunching or other) will lead to the break-up of the USA into separate zones in 2010...

With each state having different views on gambling legislation ranging from Utah's 'no thinking for yourself pleeeaaase' blanket ban, through Kentuckies' "I'll have a slice of that pie' domain grab to Nevada's "ship the pot this way, I'm off to see some whores" open-mindedness... there were bound to be cracks forming at some point - here is how Igor Panarin sees the US once the dust settles:

Each color on the map represents a different zone of control...

Green: Chinese Controlled Zone - Online Poker here is mostly made up of bots playing 2-7 triple draw and large teams of CPA fraudsters each referring each other to online poker sites and gaining exactly the number of FPPs required before cashing out.

Yellow: Canadian Controlled Zone - Characterised by players who get really fucking upset when losing 70/30 shots and are likely to spend considerable time and effort to make damn sure that you realise that your play was minus EV over time - you fucking retard.

Blue: Mexican Controlled Zone - Just be careful who you beat while playing in this area, one rivered ace beating the wrong pair of kings could easily see your head appearing in a plastic bag at the entrance to a shopping mall.

Red: Part Of The European Union - Overplaying ace rag, slowplaying straights on 3 flush boards and short-stacking PLO will be the order of the day. A swiftly incorporated education program will explain that Europe is not actually a single country and exactly why every individual nation passionately hates the French.

Alaska: Russian Controlled - Online poker will be just fine here, you'll have to carefully consider the fact that your government could switch off your gas in the middle of winter and freeze you to death though... just for a laugh.

Well, Igor's predictions may be wishful commie thinking, but then again....


Online Poker Guide And Poker Tips

In the first in a series of completely corrupt posts Melted Felt is pleased to bring you news of the best poker information site ever to grace the interweb - a site so fucking good that it will blow your 35% cotton / 65% nylon xmas socks off... a site so utterly fantastic that its owner paid for a pair of new shoes for your MF host in order to get a completely unbiased plug. (photo to follow in the new year!)

The first thing you will notice about this awsome Poker Site are the huge number of Poker Tips , and let's face it... from what we have seen you should be reading these now. There are video tips here in addition to articles on many aspects of poker strategy.

But wait, thats not all!

Order now and we'll send you a... (oops, thats the wrong plug). What we actually wanted to point out is that this same incredible poker site also has a comprehensive Online Poker Guide which covers all sorts of valuable info about US / UK / Canadian sites, bonuses and reviews...

Go check 'em out!


Monday, 29 December 2008

Special Announcement: Melted Felt Goes Corrupt!

No shocking exclusive today, instead a special announcement for affiliate managers, poker website owners and anyone with an interest (or grudge) in the poker industry - yep, Melted Felt will officially go completely and utterly corrupt from Jan 1st 2009!

What this means in practice is that we will start to accept bribes in exchange for publicity and adverts, no dirty cash please - we are talking proper merchandise only. Send us a Wii (with the fit add-on) and well display your advert for a whole year... a video-camera gets your company mentioned as the sponsor of the site for 6 months, smaller goods or merchandise will be ok for a publicity post and so on... easy huh?

So, here is how to get the ball rolling... simply send us a mail to with 'Bribe' in the title, tell us what you'd like and what you'll offer (no fucking about with lengthy 'negotiations' please, lets get to the point fast). We will then give you an address to send the goods too... its in Budapest, Hungary so a registered mail service like FedEx / UPS only please... and bam, up goes your ad... we'll even take a pic of the MF team with the goods for good measure... could send the cash too if this is too much hassle... we'll pop to the mall to get the goods and 'pretend' that you sent it!

So simple.

We look forward to hearing from you soon!


Forum Flames Escalate As 2009 Supernova Elite Challenges Grow

Melted Felt can today exclusively bring you an investigation fresh from the ugly bowels of internet poker forums. Yes, the time of year arrives when young men the world over lay down the gauntlet as to who can get the first medically proven case of Repetitive Strain Disorder their quest to become the coolest poker dog in town - a pokerstars supernova elite!

We start with the quest of Tommy from London, England - who has told his peers on his favorite poker strategy forum that he was willing to bet cash that he developed Carpal Tunnel Syndrome by the end of March by 26 tabling SNG tournaments 14 hours a day. Hank, from Tenessee went one better, arguing that by 56-table short-stacking Omaha Poker, he would be able to suffer from the extremely painful Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy Syndrome by mid-February at the latest.

Meanwhile, Freddy a 19 year old greasy and somewhat spotty virgin from Stockholm, Sweden did not post his intentions of becoming a Supernova Elite on any forum. Instead he meticulously planned his path to reaching this goal - working out that with a good run and bankroll management he could reach this by April the 8th 2009.

What Freddy was really looking forward to was striding confidently into his local bar, pausing to nonchalantly flick a small piece of fluff from his Metallica t-shirt, sauntering over to those beautiful blondes at the bar and saying, "Hey Babe, I'm a Supernova Elite" - no, wait... erm, ahhhhhhh.


Sunday, 28 December 2008

Shock As Hellmuth's Entire History Proves Bogus

After an artery-hardening holiday-season break Melted Felt is back at your service with an exclusive which is set to rock the rotten core of the poker world.

Phil Helmuth's award of a pot in an online poker game at Ultimate Bet which he visibly lost caused a minor ripple through forums worldwide... here at Melted Felt we have gone one step further and can (sensationally) reveal, after days of digging through histories, that Hellmuth has never actually won a single hand of poker ever!

We start the shocking revelation in the 1989 WSOP (yes folks, poker was really played before the technology to call someone a retard in an anonymous online forum was even invented) where Hellmuth famously beat Johnny Chan to simulateously become both the youngest and the ugliest winner of the main event. Only he never won a hand, after trawling through the histories and watching the chips move it appeared that each time Chan's attention was momentarily disconnected from the table the chips went to Phil... even though he was holding 10-2 off.

Again and again, bent dealers, human error, bribes at the right moment, blackmail involving very revealing photos, computer glitches and rigged online poker sites contributed to making Phil Helmuth into the poker celeb that we love to hate...

While this goes a long way to explaining why the 'top 10 only' strategy outlined in Hellmuth's books causes all players using it to go broke, it does explain Phil Helmuth's most famous quote quite nicely..."if it were not for luck I guess I'd win every one"... hmmmm.


Tuesday, 23 December 2008

PocketElevens Tournament Review for 21-12-2008

PocketElevens members won three major tournaments on Sunday, lead by complete donkey T3ddyKGB999 who won the Full Tilt 1 Million Gtd monthly flagship event for $211,974. Other PocketElevens members to make big scores include Nate_Dog362 and Weedman_7161 who final tabled the Poker Stars Sunday Million and Sunday Warm-up's respectively.

T3ddyKGB999 has been a valuable member of the PocketElevens community since logging on once in 2006, registering his screen names... seeing that he ranked 89,714th and then never bothering to log on again. We are proud to claim the victory an outstanding member of the community and look forward to adding his WSOP winnings to our total next year, even though he posts on a completely different website - just like Barry Greenstein.

Nate_Dog362 managed to come 7th in the Sunday Million for a nice $27,355 score after getting all-in the the worst hand no less than 13 times. Even though his only contributions to strategy threads to date have involved the lavish use of the word 'Retarded' he is now considering opening his own training site.

Finally, outstanding member of the PocketElevens community Weedman_7161 came 3rd in this weeks Sunday Warm Up for a cool $63,004. Those familiar with Weedman will know how vehemently he wades in to the arguments on Multi-accounting and ghosting, suggesting death for those involved... we were thus confused by the fact that there are no less than 7 'Weedman-xyz' Ids registered on P11's all from the same IP address and with different user names on the major sites...

Pop back over to PocketElevens soon for more childish arguments, stomach-churning hero-worship, bad spelling and horribly incompetant moderation.


Saturday, 20 December 2008

Full Tilt Close Player Accounts For Using Full Tilt Software

So exclusive that not even the writer has heard it yet, Melted Felt bring you some sensational news this morning - showing exactly how far Full Tilt Poker's Software ban has gone in their crackdown on software that helps players on the site, yesterday.

Those days when you could data-mine Full Tilt using robotic software programs what worked for you while you slept in your own filthy stench working off last night's hangover are long-gone. The second largest poker site are now actively cracking down on users of bots, aids and random software programs.

In an effort to make this ban as far-reaching as possible, Full Tilt last night closed the accounts of everyone using the Full Tilt Poker software client - leaving only the dormant accounts of those players who signed up in their 'brothers' name after realising that they were missing out on rakeback.

According to our Full Tilt insider there were suspicions that the Full Tilt Poker client may have been used to actually win money - a trait which the site has been trying to crack down on for years using tactics including botnet-attack lags and the cessation of payout requests.

We sent the Melted Felt mole to start an online investigation - only this was cut short when we found out that Tilt had blocked users of Windowns, Mac and Linux operating systems from accessing their website, in addition to preventing people whose name shares any of the letters with the word 'Macerel' from creating and account.

Stay tuned - this one could run and run...


Friday, 19 December 2008

Poker Stars To Attempt New World Record

In another sensational exclusive, Melted Felt are pleased to bring you the shocking news that Poker Stars - that poker site which is considerably larger than Full Fucking Tilt - are planning a world record attempt between xmas and new year.

Yes, Team Poker Stars will get together at a secret location and - assisted by several 'industrial size' tubs of vaseline - will find out exactly how many copies of the '2008 Guiness Book Of World Records' they can successfully shove up Howard Lederer's ass while singing the Poker Stars anthem.

The 'thwack' of rubber gloves was already ringing through the corridoors of Stars Isle-of-Man HQ yesterday as Chris Moneymaker volunteered to help get the team properly trained by allowing multiple copies of the lubricated and (thankfully) abridged edition of the 'Times Atlas of The World' to be inserted into his anus.

Apparently Daniel Negreanu has become a nervous wreck and actually fainted after seeing a fan approach holding an autograph book...


Thursday, 18 December 2008

2+2ers Working Round The Clock On Madoff-Hamilton Link

Exclusive news this Friday morning, that the dogs of 2+2 are working over-overtime at the moment - after being 100% sure that Russ Hamilton must somehow be involved in the Bernard Madoff scandal.

Hand Histories were being looked at with a fine toothcomb, records of domain name and e-mail address ownership were being put under the magnifying glass and theories were being brewed late last night as the apparent link between the two alledged scammers came within a whisker of being uncovered.

Hamilton, famed for laughing in the face of the Kahnawake Gaming Corporation as he counted the big piles of money alledgedly stolen from Ultimate Bet, yesterday exclusively denied having any involvement what-so-ever in the $50 Billion Madoff ponzi scheme which recently collapsed.

Stooping down to prop up a wobbly table leg with a wad of $100's Hamilton said "wahh, ha, ha, hahahaha, heeeeheheheh, ho ho" when we asked him about his connection.

The 2+2 dogs were not so sure - already discovering a user called 'Burn And Turn' who played 193 hands at the same table as NoiNoi in 2006... with Burn sounding uncannily like Bernard - the first name of Mr Madoff, support were asked to trace the IP address - yep, this Id and the headquarters of Madoff's empire shared the same coast!

With the link established it is only a matter of time before statistical outliers and vested interests are revealed.... stay tuned.


Wednesday, 17 December 2008

Bad Beat Costs Former Party Poker Owner $300 Million

In a sensational second-hand scoop, Melted Felt are pleased to bring you the shocking revalation that one Anurag Dikshit, former founding partner of Party Poker has coughed up $300 million to the US Justice Department.

What is more we bring you this entire sensational piece without once mentioning that his name has the word 'rag' in it, oops.

Mr Dikshit - what was called 'raggy' or 'ragger' throughout his childhood and often dreamt of changing his name to Kevin, or maybe Bob, to escape the cruel taunts. In fact, while having his moustache carefully trimmed he personally asked the MF Mole if we could refer to him as "Brian Dikshit' for the rest of the piece.

Money will change hands from Brian Shit to the US Government in 3 stages, and are closely tied in with negotiations with the justice deparment - with Brian seeking to use his vast wealth to avoid prosecution which would have been a given for anyone poor.

Brian Dick actually created the original software platform for Party Poker - so, now we know who to blame... eh 'ragger'.


Tuesday, 16 December 2008

Red Faced Beshear Finds Out Kentucky Not Yet Online

In yet another Melted Felt exclusive we are pleased to bring you a sensational tale of courtroom drama, legal wranglings and mild embarrassment - all from the anti-gambling state of Kentucky.

Yes, in a shocking exchange in the court of appeal a lawyer for the defence asked Kentucky Governer Steve Beshear how many people are potentially able to access 'gambling devices' over the internet.

Beshear promptly and confidently replied that every town and city in Kentucky has access to a telephone - and many small farming villages were looking into getting one. While the information superhighway had not yet actually reached the population of KY - 93% of whom are employed (directly or indirectly) in the turkey farming business - the legislation was a preventative measure in case they one day caught-up with the rest of the world.

We sent the Melted Felt mole deep into the heart of Kentucky to find out the real story from the moonshine parties and barn-dances famed in this state. While a staggering 3% of those questioned had heard of the internet, only 2 of them had ever seen it and one thinks he might have mistaken it for a combine-harvester.

Still, who outside of KY had ever heard of Steve Beshear before this episode. After all his popular move to ban cable TV from the state has met with a lot of blank looks - "Ain't that like having a radio with movin' pictures in it" one straw-muncher was quoted as saying....


Monday, 15 December 2008

CTS aka Cole South Beats Record For Montana Turd Bird Prices

Flushed with success after shifting 100's of copies of the worlds most expensive poker ebook - Cole "CTS" South has broken another record - Melted Felt is pleased to exclusively report - after yesterday shifting a more than a dozen Montana Turd Birds for no less then $8,525 a piece.

The eBook, called 'Let There Be Range!", was sold for a comparitively paltry $1,850 and apparently contains very little in the way of Math, if the title is anything to go by we do not expect it to contain much in the way of English either. According to inside information this is aimed at the hardcore market of people with more money than sense who probably think that Poker Stars is rigged anyway.

With the success of high-priced info product sales Cole has looked to continue his streak. Each Montana Turd Bird is unique - which gave him the perfect selling angle to price these $5 products at the lofty heights of $8,525... but that is not all - turning his back on the poker tables for a career of selling expensive stuff we expect CTS will shortly move into the following lucrative markets:

- Certificated, Documented and Video-Captured Proof that the Pope is indeed Catholic... only 10 copies to be sold ever and yours for just $21,899.33c

- Special eBook Guide to improving your golf swing for people with one arm more muscular than the other titled 'The Habitual Wanker's Guide To Hole In One's', just $69.690,69c

- How to make a profit in the real eastate market, with a special introductory chapter explaining how one-way bets happen all the time and that you are not too late to join the gravy train, and if you do not buy now then you'll miss out for ever and be living in that shitty trailer park you nothing waste of humanity... for just $11,250

Right, best get going - time to feed my Turd Bird!


Thursday, 11 December 2008

Online Poker Genuis Shits Himself Laughing After 'Hilarious' Location Gag

A short snippet today following a 'follow through' in the sensational world of online poker exclusives, yesterday. Yes we bring you the tale of Alan, a 31 year old mechanical engineer from Montreal, Canada - who recently realised that you could change the 'location' field on his favorite iPoker site to read the (short)caption of your choice.

While Alan was first inexoribly drawn to putting an aggressively funny one-liner such as 'Mind Your Own Business' or 'Fook Off Nosey' it was during a rather boring group training excercise at Smiths Precision Engineering that his hilarious idea struck... It was just sooo original, sooo hilarious and soooo - well - out there that (unfortunately) Alan not only laughed out loud just as a the operation of a new lazer-powered lathe was being carefully explained - he also managed to accidently follow through, depositing a steaming lump of stinking sh1t into his recently ironed y-fronts.

Still, it was worth it.

Every time Alan logs on he snikers to himself. Safe in the knowledge that one or two opponents (at least!) are bound to hover their mouse for long enough to see.

That they will realise that far from being a crap poker player and extremely average engineer, that Alan is a trapped comedy genuis who - had life just panned out a little differently - would have been starring on broadway, or telling gag after gag on Saturday night live...

Of course, MF just think that anyone writing 'Earth' as their location is probably an utterly dull engineer, or maybe a junior accountant.


Tuesday, 9 December 2008

Exclusive: An Interview With The Full Tilt Poker Panda

In the very latest in our exclusive sensations of yesterdays almost entirely made up poker news , Melted Felt are pleased to bring you an interview with the Full Tilt Poker Panda... in case you missed them, this is actually the 3rd avatar interview (4 if you count the Party Poker Psycho!) so we'll link 'em up at the bottom of the page.

MF: Hi Full Tilt Poker's Panda, what should we call you and how did you first get into poker??

FT Panda: Just call me Fluff Jeremy dude, Me - I'm the Ron Jeremy of the panda-wo-o-o-orld, Poker is just a side-line man, I mean they pay me so well to luuuurrrrvvve those lady Pandas that I just play the game to blow off some steam, baby.

MF: Sure, Fluff, hey according to the Wiki, Female Pandas have very short fertile periods and are famously uninterested in sex for the rest of the year?

FT Panda: You know it baby! those ladies are just big teases, gettin you into their forest habitat just to offer green tea and a munch on a bamboo stick. Thats why they need a super-stud like me, baby, to give them the goood lovin' when those days finally roll around. They make up for the quantity with quality man, thats why they call on Fluff, the best baby, the best.

MF: So, your - erm - 'work' keeps you busy? How do you fit in time for all that pot-limit omaha??

FT Panda: Well, baby, I'm an in-demand panda, baby. If the stud of the panda world is needed then they call me first - you understand me dudey dude? I am the fi-rrrr-rrr-rrr-st port of call in the Panda u-n-i-v-e-r-s-e!

MF: Erm, Well, No

FT Panda: What I'm sayin my 'lill friend is I'm the daddy, I'm the tip-top choice, I'm the numero-u-u-u--uno... its just, well you know, with the lovely ladies only gettin' in the luuurvin mood once a year, well the phone it don't ring too much, but I'm saying - I'm really saying babbbiiiieee, that when there is the need, then they call Fluff Jeremy first my friend, they would call me first... ya got it now?

MF: Ok Fluff we got it now, hey, but there is no need to cry... erm, want a tissue?

FT Panda: Sure, man, thank-e-you,(sob) its such a frustrating species to be born, man, if I were a rabbit, or even a monkey, then that phone would never (sob) stop ringing, I mean, its hardly my fault (sniff) that the lovely ladies are never in the mood, if they were in the mood then its fluff who they would call, they (sob) would (sob) call... (waaaaaahhhhhaaaa)

At this point the Panda completely broke down, sobbing that he had even been forced to visit a dominatrix grizzly bear to stay his frustration on more than one occasion and that, actually, he hated bamboo and would much rather eat seafood... tune in next time when we have an exclusive interview with Howerd Lederer's Pet Tuna.


Links to our past interviews:

Interview With The Full Tilt Shark

Pro Profile - The Full Tilt Turtle

Monday, 8 December 2008

LAPT Mexico Cancelled As Contestants Find Out 1st Prize Is A Virgin

A sensational exclusive from south of the border yesterday as Melted Felt bring you news hot off the press from the land of moustached women and a nationwide deoderant phobia. Yes, among speculation that the LAPT Mexico was closed at the half way stage due to a 'tipping error' on behalf of the organisers - we can bring you the cold hard truth...

18 year old Carmen De RenaultLaguna, due to be given away as 1st prize in this 10-chicken (or close equivalent) buy-in Latin American Poker Tour Event was actually 'outed' as a virgin between blind levels 8 and 9 - causing the massed sombreros of the poker playing participants to very suddenly walk out.

We spoke to participant Jose Halitouiso, a keen poker player who had swapped one of his gandmother's gold teeth to enter (though apparently she put up quite a fight to keep it). Jose expressed his huge disappointment at hearing the news. "Eh? Tips? We loooove tips" he started, continuing after we had greased his palm with a crisp $20, "eh? Ci, Ci - nooo goood Senior, nooo gooood, they promised a prize lady for the weeee-nner of de poookker tournament senior, for sure, Ci Ci" $10 later he got round to answering the Melted Felt Mole on what exactly was the problem with Carmen being so biblically pure? "Well, senior, Ci, Ci, the thing isssss, If she not gooood enough for her own brothers, den how is she good enough for me?"

Luckily a replacement 'prize' was found, her moustache attractively clipped and the tournament rescheduled - only to find that 87 of the 89 original participants were now gainfully employed in branches of Burger King throughout San Deigo...


Friday, 5 December 2008

Hellmuth Releases Clothing Line

Well, we'd love to tell you that we made it up - however only the details of today's story can be considered a Melted Felt exclusive. The facts can be checked, the I's are dotted, the t's crossed and those ducks all lined up in a cute little row... yes ladies and gentlemen we bring you exlusive details of the Phil Helmuth Jr range of special clothing.... item by item:

1) The 'Flappy Neck Jowel Scarf' ' (TM)

Specially made from the finest sweat-inducing artificial fibres by slave children in Borneo - the stylish 'Flappy Neck Jowel Scarf' (TM) was designed for those players like Phil, who have big flaps of skin hanging from the underneath of their chins. Available in black, black or black this accessory will make you instantly more attractive to member of the opposite sex who prefer people without big flappy necks.

2) The 'Dumb Stare Reducing Indoor Sunglasses Range' (TM)

The world already has polarising sunglasses and UV reducing sunglasses, but after extensive trials the Hellmuth range now includes sunglasses which are scientifically proven to reduce the effect of those dumb stares. Yes, wearing these will instantly increase the poker IQ (TM) of the average Vegas tourist from 55 to 72. There is also a completely blacked-out one which is designed to help the very worst poker players loose sightly less money.

3) The "Smaller Gentlemans Jock-Strap' (T fuckin M!)

After Phil Himself complained for years that even the tightest jock strap left far too much room for - erm - maneuver, he is proud to release a version especially designed with the smaller gentleman in mind. The strechy constricting fabric of the Hellmuth brand 'Smaller Gentleman's Jock Strap\ (TM) will shrink to fit even the most miniscule of appendages - leaving you free to focus on the poker. Available in black and in 'tiddler', 'Minnow' and 'peanut' sizes - all with a picture of Phils smiling face on the front.


PS: Dont forget our Disclaimer

Tuesday, 2 December 2008

Shock As Global Credit Crunch Hits Poker

Coming so soon after our last shocking exclusive, Melted Felt are pleased to bring you the first of 3 more shocking exclusive poker sensations - this time on a truly global scale.

Yes, the Melted Felt Mole has been to the 4 corners of the earth yesterday to assess the effect of the Global Credit Crunch on the world of poker, today we cover the far east - come back soon when Britain and the US will be covered.

We started in China where there was a noticable reduction in the toxic fumes slowly choking the planet to death being pumped out by the factories of one Mr Ho Hum. When we enquired what the problem was the numbers were truly staggering. Some 173,954 people had been layed off from their jobs of creating millions of ultra-low quality 'Texas Holdem Poker Sets' with the lightest plastic chips and paper-thin playing cards, which until recently were sold in supermarkets, convienience stores and gas stations throughout the world - usually to be used once then stored in a cupboard.

"We strongly deny that the lead content of any of the products was above internationally recognised standards" said Mr Hum yesterday, adding that "The extra-high lead content was actually in the original specification supplied by the customer" before concluding that "well, what harm does a bit of lead do anyway? hardly fatally poisoned baby milk is it??".

Before he could go on to deny anything about baby milk we asked about the fate of the 173,000-odd workers he was forced to lay off. Fortunately, Mr Ham in the factory next door had seen a massive uptick in orders for his specialist adult-sized nappies from Wall Street traders and hedge fund managers and was able to take on most of the affected labor.


Coming next - Oxford University student Tarquin suffers shock reduction in allowance.


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