Tuesday, 9 December 2008

Exclusive: An Interview With The Full Tilt Poker Panda

In the very latest in our exclusive sensations of yesterdays almost entirely made up poker news , Melted Felt are pleased to bring you an interview with the Full Tilt Poker Panda... in case you missed them, this is actually the 3rd avatar interview (4 if you count the Party Poker Psycho!) so we'll link 'em up at the bottom of the page.

MF: Hi Full Tilt Poker's Panda, what should we call you and how did you first get into poker??

FT Panda: Just call me Fluff Jeremy dude, Me - I'm the Ron Jeremy of the panda-wo-o-o-orld, Poker is just a side-line man, I mean they pay me so well to luuuurrrrvvve those lady Pandas that I just play the game to blow off some steam, baby.

MF: Sure, Fluff, hey according to the Wiki, Female Pandas have very short fertile periods and are famously uninterested in sex for the rest of the year?

FT Panda: You know it baby! those ladies are just big teases, gettin you into their forest habitat just to offer green tea and a munch on a bamboo stick. Thats why they need a super-stud like me, baby, to give them the goood lovin' when those days finally roll around. They make up for the quantity with quality man, thats why they call on Fluff, the best baby, the best.

MF: So, your - erm - 'work' keeps you busy? How do you fit in time for all that pot-limit omaha??

FT Panda: Well, baby, I'm an in-demand panda, baby. If the stud of the panda world is needed then they call me first - you understand me dudey dude? I am the fi-rrrr-rrr-rrr-st port of call in the Panda u-n-i-v-e-r-s-e!

MF: Erm, Well, No

FT Panda: What I'm sayin my 'lill friend is I'm the daddy, I'm the tip-top choice, I'm the numero-u-u-u--uno... its just, well you know, with the lovely ladies only gettin' in the luuurvin mood once a year, well the phone it don't ring too much, but I'm saying - I'm really saying babbbiiiieee, that when there is the need, then they call Fluff Jeremy first my friend, they would call me first... ya got it now?

MF: Ok Fluff we got it now, hey, but there is no need to cry... erm, want a tissue?

FT Panda: Sure, man, thank-e-you,(sob) its such a frustrating species to be born, man, if I were a rabbit, or even a monkey, then that phone would never (sob) stop ringing, I mean, its hardly my fault (sniff) that the lovely ladies are never in the mood, if they were in the mood then its fluff who they would call, they (sob) would (sob) call... (waaaaaahhhhhaaaa)

At this point the Panda completely broke down, sobbing that he had even been forced to visit a dominatrix grizzly bear to stay his frustration on more than one occasion and that, actually, he hated bamboo and would much rather eat seafood... tune in next time when we have an exclusive interview with Howerd Lederer's Pet Tuna.


Links to our past interviews:

Interview With The Full Tilt Shark

Pro Profile - The Full Tilt Turtle

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