Friday, 5 December 2008

Hellmuth Releases Clothing Line

Well, we'd love to tell you that we made it up - however only the details of today's story can be considered a Melted Felt exclusive. The facts can be checked, the I's are dotted, the t's crossed and those ducks all lined up in a cute little row... yes ladies and gentlemen we bring you exlusive details of the Phil Helmuth Jr range of special clothing.... item by item:

1) The 'Flappy Neck Jowel Scarf' ' (TM)

Specially made from the finest sweat-inducing artificial fibres by slave children in Borneo - the stylish 'Flappy Neck Jowel Scarf' (TM) was designed for those players like Phil, who have big flaps of skin hanging from the underneath of their chins. Available in black, black or black this accessory will make you instantly more attractive to member of the opposite sex who prefer people without big flappy necks.

2) The 'Dumb Stare Reducing Indoor Sunglasses Range' (TM)

The world already has polarising sunglasses and UV reducing sunglasses, but after extensive trials the Hellmuth range now includes sunglasses which are scientifically proven to reduce the effect of those dumb stares. Yes, wearing these will instantly increase the poker IQ (TM) of the average Vegas tourist from 55 to 72. There is also a completely blacked-out one which is designed to help the very worst poker players loose sightly less money.

3) The "Smaller Gentlemans Jock-Strap' (T fuckin M!)

After Phil Himself complained for years that even the tightest jock strap left far too much room for - erm - maneuver, he is proud to release a version especially designed with the smaller gentleman in mind. The strechy constricting fabric of the Hellmuth brand 'Smaller Gentleman's Jock Strap\ (TM) will shrink to fit even the most miniscule of appendages - leaving you free to focus on the poker. Available in black and in 'tiddler', 'Minnow' and 'peanut' sizes - all with a picture of Phils smiling face on the front.


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Anonymous said...

I can't wait to see this. As if it wasn't enough to have his face on the front of 1/2 million of America's worst beer cans.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, those small straps are just great, we have one for each gonad - or something.


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