Wednesday, 31 December 2008

Russian Prof Igor Panarin Predicts UIGEA Will Break Up The USA

A Geo-Political poker exclusive today with massive implications, here on Melted Felt. Igor Panarin, a leading Russian academic and former best friend of Teddy KGB has been making headlines the world over with his dire predictions that the UIGEA (together with some financial crunching or other) will lead to the break-up of the USA into separate zones in 2010...

With each state having different views on gambling legislation ranging from Utah's 'no thinking for yourself pleeeaaase' blanket ban, through Kentuckies' "I'll have a slice of that pie' domain grab to Nevada's "ship the pot this way, I'm off to see some whores" open-mindedness... there were bound to be cracks forming at some point - here is how Igor Panarin sees the US once the dust settles:

Each color on the map represents a different zone of control...

Green: Chinese Controlled Zone - Online Poker here is mostly made up of bots playing 2-7 triple draw and large teams of CPA fraudsters each referring each other to online poker sites and gaining exactly the number of FPPs required before cashing out.

Yellow: Canadian Controlled Zone - Characterised by players who get really fucking upset when losing 70/30 shots and are likely to spend considerable time and effort to make damn sure that you realise that your play was minus EV over time - you fucking retard.

Blue: Mexican Controlled Zone - Just be careful who you beat while playing in this area, one rivered ace beating the wrong pair of kings could easily see your head appearing in a plastic bag at the entrance to a shopping mall.

Red: Part Of The European Union - Overplaying ace rag, slowplaying straights on 3 flush boards and short-stacking PLO will be the order of the day. A swiftly incorporated education program will explain that Europe is not actually a single country and exactly why every individual nation passionately hates the French.

Alaska: Russian Controlled - Online poker will be just fine here, you'll have to carefully consider the fact that your government could switch off your gas in the middle of winter and freeze you to death though... just for a laugh.

Well, Igor's predictions may be wishful commie thinking, but then again....


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