In a massive coordinated operation yesterday, the last people on earth who were not yet members of Cardrunners have been signed-up.
The shocking revalation that there were people hiding out deep in the Amazon who had not yet benefited from Green Plastic's 6-Max no-limit holdem videos sent alarm and consternation through the civilised world - and an immediate project involving the Brazillian Government, Amnesty International and Lee Jones, Cardrunners brutally ugly CFO.
"We started by air-dropping 'Harrington on Holdem volume #1' along with Poker-Stars logoed stress balls" said a spokesman " When we found that the lost tribe did not have the $29.99 per month required for the subscription there were some intense negotiations required, fortunately after seeing the benefits of our online-pro's training methods and insights into how to crush the online no-limit game they agreed to sell all their children into bonded labor and all their women to join David Sklansky's growing hareem
Phew, that was close
Friday, 30 May 2008
Thursday, 29 May 2008
After a thorough investigation into the latest online poker cheating scandal, Ultimate Bet today released a statement outlining what happened and how they were going to prevent future cheating on their site.
It turns out that some evil programmers had installed a big pop-up box saying 'Would You Like To See Opponents Hole Cards?' with a Yes / No button underneath. Going on to give you a slider for 'Amount Of Free Money Required?'.
Staff in both the support and IT departments were said to have missed the security breach completely as they were too busy enjoying using the inbuilt 'Doom Switch' on any player who won a couple of hands in a row and drinking Miller Light.
In response to the scandal UB have agreed to pay back money stolen from accounts and to install a brand new computerised security system.
This will use the latest micro-transistors, and advanced calculus in order stop anyone with even a small amount of computer knowledge helping themselves to fists full of completely free cash.
"Computers are said to be the latest weapon in the fight against cheating and could one day completely replace Human beings just like in the Matrix" a spokesman said yesterday, adding "once we load up the defence shield software the computer will send a virus to anyone who attempts to join our server, left untreated this will mutate into a clone of Phil Helmuth who will chase you naked around the house while flapping his jowel".
Making it clear that it was safe to come back to UB, the spokesman said... 'Why not join our $20k gtd tonight at 8pm won by.... oops"
Yet another exclusive here at Melted Felt - we can reveal that online tournment pro JohnnyBax (the one who can not win for toffee live) has joined Enron as their sponsored poker pro, turning down UB at the last minute.
An anonymous spokesman for Bax told us that Enron has all of the qualities that he would be proud to be associated with including a senior management team that are expected to stay in one place for several years to come and a commitment to gambling with other peoples money. They are also free from any superuser scandals, which is more than can be said for that dodgy UB outfit.
Not everyone is happy with the news.
Joe, a spotty, greasy little teenage poker player who only just graduated from Dungeons and Dragons and whose only experience with the opposite sex is through pictures on the internet said to us, "I'm gutted, I had a giant poster of Bax on my bedroom door which is now coming down" continuing "Bax's big smile and goofy laugh can not make up for this - he may be a talented online pro who is completely unable to win live, but turning his back on Halliburton has totally alientated him from the fans"
Monday, 26 May 2008
Pocket Fives members yesterday stood up in their seats, clenched fists in front of themselves and started the first murmerings of what was destined to become a gigantic celebratory cheer - only to sit back down, arms behind heads and collectively groan as if a shot on goal had been tipped around the post at the last possible moment.
The near miss game at around 4:12pm yesterday when a hand history posted with a request for advice almost served its purpose without anyone being accused of bragging, being called a retard or simply refusing to give advice at all on the grounds that teaching is -ev for themselves.
Seven replies came in offering sensible thoughts and perspectives on the hand in question before the usual process was started by a losing MTTer typing 'don't tap the glass' while thinking it made him look really cool in front of other 'playas'. Reference was quickly made to his sharkscope graph, he accused this poster of having somewhat dubious sexual practices and the thread quickly decended into the nasty back-biting by teenagers with attitiude issues which characterises every thread at this once civilised poker forum.
Even the clones of 2+2 are capable of discussing a hand after all...
Saturday, 24 May 2008
Excitement was gathering yesterday as the milestone of a
cool 1 billion hands drew ever closer at Titan Poker - the non-US friendly 4th largest online poker site.
Melted Felt can exclusively reveal that Titan have managed this impressive feat without a fold button, which was accidentally left out during a scheduled upgrade in March of 2006.
Realising their mistake, Titan did try re-introducing the fold button several months later, however their call centre were so inundated with confused French, Italian and Dutch poker players wondering what this button actually did - that a user poll was taken to decide what buttons Titan Poker's players really wanted to see.
After some deliberations here was the completed list:
- 'I Call' (this option is pre-selected to save wear on your mouse)
- 'Someone Raised But I Call Anyway' (a raise does not alter the pre-selection)
- 'A Raise And Re-Raise Ahead? Call With Any 2-Suited Cards' ('suited' can be toggled off)
- 'Someone All-In Ahead, Call With Any 2 Picture Cards' (as can 'picture')
- 'I have an Ace, Open Push My 100 Big Blinds All In' (unless this ace is accompied by a card 10 or above, in which case the default is to slowplay on the flop and turn then shove any river card).
Asked to explain why Titan has grown so much in popularity a spokesman highlighted the generous bonuses, great game selection and large the number of French players in the early stages of tournaments. Also adding that Party Poker was sh*te.
Whether you are in time for the 1 billionth hand or not why not check out Titan for yourself... here is a detailed (though alas serious) review to get you started:
Titan Poker Review
Wednesday, 21 May 2008
Duplicate Poker is a ‘skill game’ (yawn) based on playing exactly the same cards (sigh) as someone else at another table. This poker-like gaming site proudly state that they are open to US players 100% legally – which is in fact true.
After a year in operation Melted Felt are happy to announce a giant step forward for this utterly boring poker-based game. Yes, a player has actually returned to the site voluntarily for a second week!
Until Trevor Smith from Chicago broke the mould last week they had yet to keep any players for more than one week - even when throwing absolutely free $20 bills their way while dressed as a gorilla.
Trevor last night defended his actions, stating “there is nothing in the terms and conditions which state that you can only play for 1 week – it is just that most people choose not to” adding “if you will please excuse me I’m off for my regular Wednesday evening 5-hour session of windows solitaire”.
Asked about their future plans Duplicate Poker responded that as long as there were new people turning 18 each week their utterly dull operation could continue indefinitely. Adding that a 'Duplicate Tournament' at their site last week attracted a record-breaking 28 people, only 12 of which were staff and 7 friends of friends.
One thing is for sure, at least with Duplicate Poker we know full well the site is rigged.
Sunday, 18 May 2008
Recent scandals have engulfed almost every corner of the online poker world. First 'super-users' at Absolute Poker and now at Ulimate Bet, then Full Tilt's seemingly endless string of "tomorrow - honest" excuses for payout delays, now the Ongame network have jumped in on the act with some extremely fishy chip-dumping shenanigans.
Melted Felt can exclusively reveal that Poker Stars - the worlds largest online poker site - are not going to put up with being out-scandalled by their (vastly inferior) rivals for one second longer, and are not only planning the biggest poker scandal ever but are adamant that this will be twice as scandalous as anything the rest can even dream of.
A spokesman from Poker Stars gave us an exclusive flavor of the size of the new scandal, "Think Clinton - Lewinsky, the OJ Simpson Trial and the mass buggery of small boys by Catholic priests... that'll get you fairly close to the scandal level we are considering" adding "Nazi-themed spanking sessions with whores have not yet been ruled out - though after the Max Moseley / Formula 1 affair we would like Poker to have its own direction, its own 'scandal identity' if you will", "one thing is for sure though - the Poker Stars scandal will be the biggest ever online, with the most players and huge sums money involved, in fact we are considering special freerolls so that play money players also have a chance to be involved too"
Even though the date of the scandal is being kept a closely guarded secret rumor has it that several thousand Austrians have already locked their female relatives in cellars ready to 'celebrate' the big day....
Thursday, 15 May 2008
Poker Professional, WSOP Circuit winner and Poker-X-Factor instructor Eric ‘Sheets’ Haber asked very nicely... so we took this one down.
Hit Up The Melted Felt homepage for plently more alternative views on the latest poker news!
Wednesday, 14 May 2008
For many years the existence of a Poker ‘Cash-Out-Curse’ at online poker sites has been circulating in the forums. Melted Felt can today exclusively reveal that the rumors and speculation were true all along - with our flimsy dossier of damning evidence!
The idea of the cash out curse is that a poker player wins a bunch of money, cashes out of a poker site… and then *boom* never wins a pot again (well, ok, suffers some losses and a couple of bad beats).
Conventional wisdom from experienced players says that there is no such thing as a cash-out-curse, that actually the little spotty f*ck who won the money in the f*cking first place was a complete donkey a$$hole who just got f*cking d%mb lucky – now his mfk-ing luck evens out and the little s*it loses it back again and starts crying like the little f*cking girl he always f*cking was (erm, or something similar to that anyway)
Well, Mr Know-it-all, Melted Felt would like to disagree. Here is our widely acclaimed dossier of (rather weak) evidence:
PJ from Altanta, Deposited his first $100 into Poker Stars on February 3rd 2008. Over the next 3 months he gradually built this up to $326 before cashing out $250 in early May. Since then he has lost 25 out of 56 coin flips, 15 out of 24 of his 65% / 35% shots and his moms cat was run over by a while crossing the road to shit under his favorite bush* - and had to be put down!
* Just to clarify this was the favorite bush of the now deceased cat, Melted Felt is in no way implying that PJ from Altanta has (or has ever had) a 'favorite bush'.
JH from the UK, deposited $50 on Full Tilt a total of 27 times before finally winning 3 SNGs all in the same evening and jubilantly pressing the cash-out button for $96. Over the next 2 weeks he had aces cracked no less than 13 times (and actually raised with them pre-flop twice), furthermore the girl he had been chasing since joining college decided to go out with some soccer-playing a**hole because “poker players just spend all their time staring at PC screens are really boring” – a curse indeed. JH may have no money and no friends and be 3 months behind on his college work – but some guys on an internet poker forum think he is quite cool and are now acually encouraging him to give up college and ‘go pro’... go for it JH, you'll win far more if you move up levels to where people respect your raises!!!
BA from Las Vegas, was happy and relieved to cash out for the very first time from Ultimate Bet after telling his friends he was a successful poker-pro for more than two years (but actually working as a pizza delivery boy on the quiet). Within 6 hours some dour policemen arrived at his door and asked to come in, going on to tell him that his entire family, several close personal friends and his future wife had been wiped out in a freak farm-machinery accident while visiting ‘Fluff’s Petting Zoo’ on the outskirts of Chicago to celebrate his future wife’s victory in a regional hot-dog speed eating contest. [Of course its f&ing true - ED]
So, poker sites – we present our damning evidence against you, feel free to mail us at email@example.com to defend your now shattered reputations.
Tuesday, 13 May 2008
Always one step ahead of the competition, Melted Felt yesterday gained exclusive access to a spokesman from Ultimate Bet. Some serious allegations have been made against this well-past-sell-by-date poker site concerning a ‘superuser’ (someone able to see opponent’s hole-cards, rather than an online poker player with their underwear on top of their trousers and a big ‘S’ on their t-shirt).
When asked to clarify UB’s position and current activity on these allegations the spokesman responded by putting his hands over each ear and shouting loudly, “La la la la la lalalala, can’t heeeeeear you!!”. When questioned more specifically about NoiNoi, the main account name involved the spokesman added, “Pffff blub blub blub – are you trying to say something??”
We then challenged Ultimate Bet to disclose their relationship with the Kanawake Gaming Commission and the integrity of their security screening system. At this point our insider produced a color photograph of a puppy. Repeating, “Nice puppy, nice fluffy puppy” and “woofety woof woof woof” over and over may not have left us any the wiser on the ‘superuser scandal’ – it did, however, make a refreshing change from the Absolute Poker alternative of completely denying that poker is even played on their site….
Sunday, 11 May 2008
“I’ve been playing Sit And Goes for 2 and a half years now and multi-table the $20’s to grind a living” said John, while tracing his sharkscope graph with an old biro from his mothers couch. “I know all the ranges of hands and the odds and even the dollar equity models like the back of my hand”.
Asked what happened John’s voice started to tremble – “Well a set of 8 games was running as usual, everything appeared to be going fine”, “and then it happened”.
After 30 seconds of silence, interspersed with the odd gasp and the sound of swallowing, John continued “It must have been a mis-click”, “Well, there is no other way of explaining it, 3 cards came in the middle of the table – and I waited for the next 2 to follow like usual….. only this time they did not come”. “I, I mean, Erm Well, I, Um, had to make a decision on whether to bet, fold or call – based on just those 3 cards”
We asked how this new discovery of post-flop play had changed his perception of the game. “I’ve played over 10,000 Sit N Goes and only had to deal with this situation once” replied John, “in some ways it has opened my eyes to a whole new aspect of poker that I never knew existed” before continuing “Then again, my sharkscope graph looks just fine without it – so maybe it is not so important after all”.
Saturday, 10 May 2008
Just weeks after the announcement that ESPN will be delaying the final table of the World Series of Poker Main Event for a 4-month long advertisement break, Melted Felt can bring you a shocking exclusive on this year’s European Version – the World Series Europe held in London, England.
Reflecting the international nature of the modern poker game the organizers of this year’s WSOPE have introduced a break before the final table -for a nice cup of tea and a sit down.
This prestigious tournament will play down to the final 9 players as normal before the new break comes into play. Asked to estimate the length of the WSOPE final table break a spokesman replied, “Oooh, 25 minutes should be plenty” adding “we need time to warm the pot of course, and there will be a selection of biscuits too – some with chocolate”.
What is next? A Sheep-dipping contest half way through the Aussie Millions? A couple of hours to browse the latest pre-packed pine furniture in Ikea as we get through to the last 3-tables of the Scandanavian open? A week off to invade Poland at the EPT Dortmund? [Thats far enough - Ed]
Thursday, 1 May 2008
Disclaimer - this blog is for entertainment purposes only, we never spoke to any of the people we quote and have in fact made the whole thing up in the name of having a laugh.
To be honest if you are stupid enough to believe that anything written here is true then you should be seeking medical and not legal council.
Anyone wishing to take things further should note that our lawyer only speaks a rare whistling language from the Canary islands, any legal documents not in this language will be turned over and used as recreational drawing paper for under 5's.
Mark aka MF