Friday, 31 October 2008

November 9 Boredom Diminished By 'Saw-5' Ideas

Back from a few technical issues - Melted Felt is pleased to bring you another excellent guest post from the Wolffman. We are always happy to receive your ideas / posts at support@sngplanet.com and will publish the good ones!



In a surprising turn of events, and to drum up more interest for the November 9, Harrah's has signed a partner deal for a tie in with the upcoming movie Saw V. In a fight to the finish along the style of the first 4 movies, players of the final table will be placed in to life threatening situations, with the real possibility of death during play.

With interest waning on the November WSOP final table, Harrah's felt that the movie tie-in would bring the fans back to the table, death does sell, along with the youngsters who are looking for blood and guts. It has been rumoured, but not officially confirmed, that the first person out will be fed to the beautiful white Tigers of Siegfried and Roy's Magic Garden.

As play proceeds, players will be placed in to numerous devices of torture with injury coming faster as they delay on calling or folding a hand. WSOP officials say that this "will speed up play tremendously!", with some saying that this could be a record for a quick finish to a final table.

The final two players will be tied together at the wrists with a 5 foot cord, and forced in to a battle to the death while playing their cards. Players will be able to jab and cut their opponent while play goes on, but Harrah's officials say that no death blows will be allowed, and anyone cutting off an opponent's limb(s) will be forced in to a 5 minute penalty. This could be fatal as blinds and antes could hit the offending party severely. Should a player kill his opponent he will be immediately disqualified, and the winnings given to the deceased player's next of kin.

When asked, many of today's top players are elated that they did not make this final table, and feel that next years WSOP Main Event will not have as large a field. Harrah's management has said that this is just a trial, and should it prove successful, future year's Final tables will have other movie promotional tie ins.

MF

Thursday, 30 October 2008

Online Poker Record Broken As 11 Players See Every Flop

In yet another sensational exclusive, Melted Felt is pleased to bring you the following report, in which a 10 seated table of loose / passive donks managed to break several online poker records during a session yesterday... with 11 of the 10 players seeing every flop!

Titan Poker, the home of the loosest games online, were actually unable to explain this statistical anomoly - though they did not try to deny it. The 10c / 25c No-limit game featured players from many countries notorious for their terrible poker players including The Netherlands, France, Italy and the UK*

*If it appears Melted Felt have inadvertantly forgotten to insult your home country please check the archives, we know full well that your lot have one leg shorter than the other and so can not stop yourselves walking around in fucking circles.

At the same time as never folding 'before those cards in the middle came along' (because anyone can get 2 pairs), the passive donks broke a second world record for the largest number of mini-raises of 2 times the big blind. Of course all 11 of the 10 players also called these, meaning that the pot was fairly large pre-flop in comparison to their minimum buy-in stacks....

Unfortunately for the newbies on this record breaking table even flopping the nuts rarely won more than one more bet - after all checking every street with the stone cold nuts only to min-bet and get called on the river makes you look really cool.

MF

Tuesday, 28 October 2008

Shock As Elk Wins WPT Festa Al Lago

The poker world was in shock yesterday, Melted Felt is pleased to exclusively report, after an Elk won the latest World Poker Tour event - the Festa Al Lago at The Bellagio - for a cool $1.4 million.

The animal, closely related to the European Moose and certain species of large red deer was out muching grass as we went to press... fortunately, our insider game us the scoop.

First, we asked a WPT official how an Elk was actually permitted to enter the prestigeous $10k buy-in event.He was actually too busy crying over his near-worthless stock options to give us an especially coherent reply - it turns out that anyone with a spare ten grand can come in, regardless of whether they sport 1 meter long multi-pronged and reasonably sharp antlers.

What was more confusing was how the actions of this Elk were deciphered by the dealers...

Here a clever system was put into place using signals: Any rucking (or behavior which suggested a will to ruck) was counted as a raise, as was shitting those odd dry black balls on the Bellagio floor. When an oppoent raised a rifle was set - if this resulted in immediate fleet-footed escape through the blackjack pit then the Elk was deemed to have folded - yet if it carried on chewing grass it was deemed to have simply called.

Other than a 2-round penalty issued for giving the tournament director ticks, things went pretty smoothy on the Elk's way to victory... our understanding is that the WPT organisation will allow bears, marsupials includung Kangaroos and possibly even komodo-dragons into the 2009 event... if this all goes smoothly they may even considering letting French players participate in the 2010 event.

MF

Monday, 27 October 2008

Election Special #3 - Doyle Brunson Admits Obama Not The Anti-Christ

In a sensational piece of socio-political blogging veteran poker player Doyle Brunson has completely ruled out Barak Obama being the Anti-Christ... though he left the question of his being a Muslim and associating with terrorists wide open.

Blogging for the internets Cardplayer site, Bruson used a fantastic chain of logic and reasoning to convince himself that Obama was not in fact the devil incarnate - since he does not come from Germany, which was apparently part of the Roman empire (!).

Doyle then went on to show his intellectual prowess by stating that Iran and Iraq were part of that same Roman Empire, that the banks alone and not political mismanagement or even a little individual greed were responsible for the current financial problems, and that the 'old school' games where tournaments started with just 17 people were tougher than todays big events...

Well, thanks Doyle, you may be a poker legend, but your fantasic blog post shows well and truly deserve to be secretary of defense (specifically against the anti-christ) in McCain's government, erm, no, wait....

Check out the original post - Doyle you are more than welcome to write for Melted Felt any time, we are simply not capable of being even close to this funny!

Brunson The Anti-Christ

MF

Sunday, 26 October 2008

60 Minutes Poker Scandal Lost As Clocks Go Back



Melted Felt can today exclusively reveal that the real reason that the '60 Minutes' episode exposing poker's biggest scandals was not aired, as expected, on the 23rd October... leaving the general public in the dark about the twin poker scandals of the UB Super-Users and AP's infamous Pot-Ripper.

Speculation has been mounting that some VIs, Mafiosi and Goons of Kahnawake Big Chief Money-Launderer had mounted a legal challenge, harrassed and generally left horses heads in the bed of the 60 minutes production team.

The documentary - as with all of them - was carefully designed to make the reasonably stupid masses feel sighly smarter than they really are. Our insider has told us the real reason why this was not aired as planned... the clocks going back accidentally deleted a whole hour of television programming.

Producers of 60 minutes were unavailable for comment on exactly when the show would be aired... since they were all logged on to the highest stakes cash games on UB raking in the money. After all - it is quite easy to do when you can see all of your opponents hole cards...

MF

Wednesday, 22 October 2008

Gay Online Poker Player Concerned About 'Tells'

In another shocking exclusive we bring you the amazing story of closet gay poker-fan Daniel, from MA. Several suspicious circumstances have lead Daniel to believe that he is being watched by foreign intelligence agencies - who are leaking personal information about his sexual orientation to all of his opponents at the poker tables and forums online.

The first hint that something was up came when limp-wristed Danny managed to get all-in with a pair of 4's against a pair of kings on Poker Stars. Immediately our shirt-lifting friend rivered a 4 to win the pot the chat box was filled with astoundingly accurate information about his sexual practices (though fortunately they missed out the stuff about the hamster in mini-scuba gear)

Just days later after posting on the internet's most hate-filled forum - Pocket 5's - our mincing fairie's request as to whether his 10,871,533% ROI was sustainable was met with yet more uncannily accurate information on his preference for muscular, bearded mature men rather than the pretty ladies.

Since then this same pattern has emerged no less than 17 times, usually when an opponent who has no clue about post-flop play loses a pot with the 'best' pre-flop hand.

We asked our village-people listening interviewee whether he intends to take any action against those commiting the hate-crimes against him... however he was unable to answer as he had popped out to meet George Micheal in the local public toilets...

MF

Tuesday, 21 October 2008

International Hunt For WSOP Main Event Interest Begun

In a last minute frenzy, Hurrah's entertainment are scouring the entire world - Melted Felt can exclusively report - leaving no rock unturned in the quest to find someone who actually gives a flying fu*k about the so called 'November Nobodies' erm, no, we mean 'Nine'.

This will not be an easy quest as the final table os this years WSOP actually clashes with international watching paint dry week and the all-American grass growing convention.

We asked previous winner, super nice-guy and all-round poker ambassador Chris Moneymaker whether having all those big piles of money made up for being pug ugly, and challenged him to name any of the line up for the big November showdown... however the best he could do was point out that one of them has a beard.

Do you know anyone who gives a sh1t about the Main event? Let us know by mowing the word 'Yes' into your lawn and then having an aerial photo taken, we look foward to seeing you in Vegas for the world waiting for the kettle to boil championships.

MF

Sunday, 19 October 2008

Judge Wingate Calls For More Time For Hospitality, Bribes

In another Melted Felt exclusive (see a pattern yet??) we can sensationally reveal the real reasons for the extended hearing allocated in the Kentucky Poker Ban case.

This case revolves around the attempted siezure of 140 internet gambling domains by the state of Kentuckie's governer, who is in the pocket of the local horse-racing barrons after losing his shirt when a 'sure-thing' went lame.

In addition to the 140 gambling domains, Ultimate Bet are included in the list - this one looks like a normal poker site but is actually a carefully designed 'device' used to part unsuspecting gamblers from their money (so we can see how the Kentucky authorities got mixed up).

With the totally ineffective PPA doing their usual routine, the Kentucky authorities actually only needed a random kid who studied a short course on 'how courts work' at high school to successfully represent them.

In his final summing up, Judge Wingate said that while he appreciated the sports hospitality package, the Mercedies Coupe and family vacation provided by the Horse lobby, he found that the Poker groups offer of 3500 Full Tilt points were rather insulting - being just about enough for a stress ball or logo baseball cap.

Ruling that the case will be heard on the 17th November should provide plenty of time for the poker lobby to get their bribes in order... and the dead canary in the post should make certain that the ruling favors the horses...

We look forward to reporting the outcome here at your trusted source of poker news.

MF

Thursday, 16 October 2008

Election Special #2 - Would Barak Obama Be Good For Internet Poker?

In the second of our exclusive online poker news election specials, Melted Felt is pleased to clear up a mystery for poker playing voters throughout the US... what the fu(k is Barak Obama's stance on Online Poker anyway??

Of course, as usual when an election approaches, the candidates themselves get a little busy shaking hands (with other people, not just shaking their own hands around) and throwing insults.

Fortunately, the Melted Felt mole managed to penetrate deep within the Obama press room heirarchy and sent us the following concise report on exactly what Barak stands for:

- That online poker is undoubtedly a game of skill in which the experts have a huge edge over the fish, and thus should be immediately banned as gambling.

- That poker companies should be regulated and welcomed into the taxation system where they would contribute to the wider economy, and thus should be immediately banned, blocked and their CEOs chemically castrated.

- That playing poker online is part of every American's constitutional right to spend their money on whatever liesure activities they wish, thus online poker should be banned immediately.

- Concerned parents should definitely vote for Obama, as he plans to provide an on-call baby sitting service for when you go deep in a tournament and the little brats start screaming, or something.

- Other concerned parents should also vote for Obama, since under his presidency, anyone caught playing poker online will be sent to boot camp for correctional training, bible reading lessons and coaching in the dangers of playing easily dominated hands in early position.

Well, that has clarified that then (maybe).

MF

Madge: It Was The Poker Or Me...

In a sensational Melted Felt exclusive we can reveal the cold hard truth behind yesterdays announcement by her royal Madgeness (aka Madonna) that Hubby Guy Ritchie is to be given the boot!

Speculation as the reasons for the divorce includuded usual reasons including looking at other womens asses, alledged emotional immaturity, internet p0rn, leaving coffee cup rings on the living room table and the infamous 'its not you - it's me' routine - which women still believe works, even though men figured it out as long ago as the 15th century.

As it turns out the real reason for the big divorce was internet poker. Brit Ritchie apparently opened an account with Party Poker some 6 months ago - and after getting his poker feet wet with some 50c / $1 fixed-limit holdem, was preparing to take a shot at satellites to the bigger buy-in Sunday tournaments.

According to our insider Guy's addiction to the beautiful game was obviously putting a strain on their relationship. "Yeah" said 2 foot tall Malcom - hired to file down the legs of tables and chairs "Madge would come home and ask for Guy to get ready for the MTV awards, where she was booked to show the world her fat thighs before receiving a lifetime achievement award - and Guy would be, like, 'sure honey, as soon as I finish this set of Sit N Goes' "

This made midget Maddy mad - especially as the star studded evenings would always feature boring tales of 'you'll never believe what they called at the bubble with' " continued our insider man. "Ritchie just played when he could at first, but was later determined to give up his lucrative and successful film directing career to 'take a shot' at making a living from the game he loved - working out that by 6-tabling NL holdem he could retire in 3 years time just on the rakeback alone'.

The final straw came when Ritchie - fed up with getting a hard time - took away the box that his wife used to stand on to see over the edge of the desk.

MF

Monday, 13 October 2008

UN To Add 'Bad Beat Stories' To List Of Crimes Against Humanity

Back from vacation, Melted Felt can today bring you a sensational poker exclusive direct from the corridoors of international power... Ban Ki-Moon, somewhat bored with the lack of crimes against humanity these days has added telling too many bad-beat stories to the list.

Expanding the role of the UN was not taken lightly according to our insider, "well, it was triggered by the lack of genocides recently" said our man, "with ethnic clensing only happening every 10 years or so, we are left having meetings and checking our finger nails for small particles of dirt on a day-to-day basis".

"bad-beat stories seemed a natural area for the UN to police" our insider continued, "the global nature of people being bored to tears by poker playing friends or relations with stories which start 'well, I raised pre-flop....' and end 'on the river' is reaching epidemic proportions" going on, "while we do not have any direct evidence at this point, the UN is considering a large scale study to establish just how many people are actually bored to death by bad-beat stories on a weekly basis".

"Of course, we'd prefer some insane dictator to exterminate tens of thousands of innocent people in the most gruesome way possible - but hey, what can you do?"

MF

Wednesday, 8 October 2008

Election Special #1 - Palin Softens Stance On Online Poker

In the first of several election specials in the run up to the 08 election - Melted Felt are happy to bring you exclusive news that Alaskan Sarah Palin has softened her stance when it comes to online poker in a last ditch attempt to woo voters.

Palin, who famously uses politics as an outlet for her bitterness and anger at never having achieved an orgasm, has always been a hardliner when it comes to playing poker online.

Previously Sarah advocated public flogging, the amputation of hands and ultimately castration - for 1st, 2nd and 3rd offence respectively - with random punishment for close family members for players who thought a-7 off was a good hand to play UTG at a full table.

After consultation with McCain the collective republican stance has softened in a bid to woo the 20-odd percent of potential voters who manage to get off of their fat asses on election day to mark their ballot paper. Melted Felt's insider can reveal the proposed schedule of punishments ahead of the presidential PLO heads-up showdown later this week:

1) Punishment for 1st offence or mild crimes like those who accuse players pushing all-in with 7 BB stacks of playing 'bingo'. 30 Hours community service picking litter wearing a bright pink junp-suit with 'Degen' stamped on the back.

2) 2nd offence or medium poker crimes like constantly limping behind with aces and then whining when they get outdrawn. A years attendance at Gamblers Anonymous followed by a purification ceremony at the local happy-lappy church.

3) 3rd Offence, or severe poker crimes like complaining that the fish are impossible to beat so you'll move up levels to where people respect your raises. Life imprisonment without parole... after all do we really need these whiners in society??

Palin certainly gets our vote - shame about those orgasms though.

MF

Monday, 6 October 2008

Duplicate Poker Find Easy Excuse To Close At Last

Novely poker site Duplicate Poker abruptly closed yesterday. In a shocking exclusive, Melted Felt can today reveal that the reasons given were just one of many considered by this doomed 'poker' site.

Duplicate Poker blamed the 'Global Financial Situation' for their closure. Anyone with half a brain-cell will know that this refers to the lack of big piles of cash to cover their losses. But what of the other excuses considered?? Our insider gave us the full list...

1) My dog ate the server. The old classic is a little harder to believe in this day and age, however it was considered on the basis that - as long as some reason is given -most people do not give a fu(k anway.

2) Admitting that their product was a sh1te novelty game that most people tried with the free cash, got bored with very fast and then never went back to until the next free-bee was given out. This one was rejected for being, erm, well, the truth

3) Blame Russ Hamilton... after all, it would only take a kilo of coke or so to get the KGC to implicate him in Duplicate Poker too...

4) I have a headache.. yeah, the game looks great - especially in that expensive new dress you brought just last week, but everytime you log on to play for an evening, it suddenly has a headache.

5) Full Tilt Poker is Sh1te*

MF

* This last 'excuse' was sponsored by Poker Stars (TM)

Friday, 3 October 2008

Exclusive: Kenny Rogers To Join Team PokerStars

Now and again Melted Felt bring you a story soooo exclusive, that it sticks in your head for f-ing days and annoys your friends, family and possibly even pets too... and any story mentioning Kenny Rodger's 'The Gambler' is bound to fit that category.

If anyone thinks that they do not know 'The Gambler', well they are just plain wrong, the link below will prove it... ahhhhh that song.

Dont Click It - You'll Be Humming 'Know When to Fold 'em' For A Week

As mentioned at MF before, PokerStars staff are obliged to sing the 'Full Tilt Is Sh1t' song at least 5 times daily as part of their employment contract. What we did not mention is that this is actually to the tune of 'The Gambler' (well, the chorus at least).

Today we reveal a double-whammy of exclusive online poker info from our Stars insider... not only will Kenny be joining team Stars - they will be releasing an ammended version of the country-and-western great as a publicity stunt, and hope to reach number #1 in the charts in time for xmas.... a coup!

The Full Tilt Is Sh1t Song

You got to know full tilt fake'em, know they will break 'em
the site is run by morons with a dodgy RN-GGGGG
You never count your money when your sittin at the table
coz you'll be six-feet under before the cashouts done

You got to know full tilt red pros, have 5 accounts each
know when your playing there your chances are-a-slim
you never count your money when in the Full Tilt cashier
coz by the time that you receive it, your eyesight will be dim

You got to know data-miners are sucking up your hist-ry
that bots and other programs are taking all your cash
you never count your money when you bet before the river
coz before that card it hits the felt the client's bound to crashhhh

MF

Thursday, 2 October 2008

WSOPE Final Table Lineup - Exclusive Preview

As the World Series Of Poker Europe gets to the final table, Melted Felt bring you a unique run-down of the contenders. Unsurprisingly, London's most presigeous tournament has seen Brits completely dominating the last 9. What is somewhat more surprising is that more than half of them are actually dead...


In our exlusive WSOPE Final Table Lineup preview we show the contenders, their chip counts and, erm, some other stuff.

Seat #1 - 210,000 Chips, Winston Churchill. Never in the course of poker history have so many chips been owed to so few by so many, Turns out Winny is a bit of a calling station... still Charles de Gaulle can always claim it as his own victory when the fighting is over.

Seat #2 = 185,000 Chips, ET The Extra-Terrestrial, After a lengthy enquiry when Mark Seif called the tournament director to check if aliens were allowed when facing a big river bet he did not want to call - it turned out that this was actually a case of mistaken identity - seat #2 was actually occupied by David Beckham's hideous and talentless wife Victoria.

Seat #3 - 1,200,000 Chips, Bond - James Bond, After saving the world from evil Russian oligarchs on 3 separate occasions during lunch breaks our licenced to kill agent has the current chip lead with 1.2 million. This is, of course, the real Bond... not to be mixed up with the slightly above average online player who writes well - Bond18.

Seat #4 - 525,000 Chips, King Henry The VIIIth, Somehow managed to win a big pot with 5 queens during the early rounds and has never looked back. Apparently thinks the pope is a big poofter and will take him on any f-ing day.

Seat #5 - 200,000 Chips. Sherlock Holmes, Totally strung up on Opium the UK's best known detective is a master hand reader, elementary my dear poker players.

Seat #6 - 666,666 Chips, Lady Thatcher, The now-demented former Iron Lady may be known at the tables for her frightening stare-down... however she actully accumulated those chips by playing those 'pretty suited ones', bless.

Seat #7 - 400,000 Chips, Sir Mick Jagger, managed to accumulate a big stack by continually threatening opponents with making another music video with David Bowie if they did not fold... people recalled that 2 men in their 40's Dancing in the Street was sooo horrible that they mucked their hands rather than suffering the same from men in their 60's.

Seat #8 - 800,000 Chips, Sir Francis Drake, famous for kicking the living sh1t out of the Spanish Armada, Drakey has promised to spend some of his winnings on supplying the current Spanish Navy with a glass bottomed boat... which should give them a nice clear view of the last Spanish Navy.

Seat #9 - 1 Chip - Tony Blair - Smart cookie and renouned bible basher Blair is desperately holding onto his last chip. He actually dumped the rest of his stack onto some bloke called Gordon Brown - just as the sh1t was about to hit the fan.

MF

Wednesday, 1 October 2008

Exclusive: KGC Ground Hamilton

In an exclusive report, Melted Felt can bring you news that we now know something that was completely obvious for a long time - officially!

Yes, Russ Hamilton - famous for cheating on UB, actually cheated on UB... at least according to the mafia, erm, oops, we mean Kahnawake Drug Dealing Corporation, no, hang on Gaming - that was it - g-a-m-i-n-g.

Phew.

In an unprecidented public handout of punishment from an organisation who like to dish out their 'punishments' in very private circumstances the KGC have handed down the following severe punishment for Russ;

- He is to be grounded for 2 weeks and will be sent to his room directly after supper.

- During this period his pocket money will be docked from $3.75c per week to $2.25c and may not be used to purchase sweets.

- Russ is legally obliged to knock on the door of Mrs Crabtree down the road, apologise for egging her car and is to offer to mow her lawns - front and back.

The new 'get tough' stance from Big-Chief-Money-Launder has caused ripples throughout the online poker world, one insider was quoted as saying, "Why do we need a KGC license again?'... and was found mysteriously dead the next morning with the pipe of peace brutally shoved where the sun don't shine.

Ultimate Bet themselves have not escaped punishment over the scandal. They have been ordered to pay $1.5 million in cash to the Kahnawake tribe... though apparently the equivalent in used AK47s or Eastern European wh0res would also be perfectly acceptable.

MF

PS: Please read our 'big girly disclaimer' before sending the goons round.

 
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