Wednesday, 23 December 2009

The Melted Felt Year In Review - Part #2

Continuing with our retrospective on 2009, a year in which the world remained full of dumb, fat and extremely ugly people. Like all sequels, this post will probably be not quite as good as the 1st one, though the next will blow you away, or something.

So, dear Melted Felt readers - the Melted Felt Poker Year in review....

May, the sun was out, the days grew longer, and Jamie Gold left Aced. Nobody really knows why, though our post on him being replaced by the Squirrel from 'Ice Age' turned out to be premature as Full Tilt offered him more acorns. Elsewhere, the devil made a rare appearance to distance himself from Mike Mattusow's book and nominations were opened for the poker hall of fame. It was the EU's investigation of the Greek Gambling market that took the spotlight, and a goat, Worried Goat!

June rolled in and the perennial anti-climax that is the world series of poker got going once again. With the Feds siezing $30 million in gambling cash (they still have it!), the Durrrr Challenge going decidely nowhere and wacko-jacko kicking the bucket it was our nightmare post about Hellmuth winning the main event which got the popular vote Hellmuth Nightmare!

July saw the battle heat up between the major poker sites, with Stars climbing a proverbial step-ladder, taking down their proverbial pants and sh1tting right on the proverbial head of Full Tilt with the most players in a single tournament online... oops, where did the link go? Oh well, its under July on the right hand side if you really must...

August was a scorcher! Not much big poker news, Poker in the Park in the UK was a success after precautions against potential sunshine were introduced, those p!ss-pots were finally discarded after Stars introduced synchronised breaks - and we took a look at the increasingly nasty world of online poker games and asked... What if other passtimes were like this?? If Other Passtimes Were Poker

Part 3 coming up after you already looked twice and found it was not there.


Monday, 21 December 2009

The Melted Felt Year In Review - Part One

In a series of cutting-edge and exciting blog posts designed to get me off of the hook having to think up anything new for a couple of days - the Melted Felt year in review is here. Being a big proponent of the campaign to decimalize time, I have divided the retrospective into three. This one goes from January through to April and so on.

Before we get going I'd like to take the opportunity to say a few thanks, especially to everyone who has supported my efforts here with links, stumbles, blogroll additions, comments and abusive e-mails or comments. It has been a pleasure, and one I'll definitely look forward to continuing as long the word keeps being spread... more abuse from Pokerstars chat moderators or Bodog affiliate managers is especially nice to receive and I'll promise to publish it!

So, close your eyes dear readers and cast your mind back to the cold on Jan 2009 (just opened them again? well, I guess there is always one who thinks it is possible to read a blog post with their eyes closed...).

The big news of Jan was a gauntlet laid down by one Tom Dwan, who reconned he could play so fvcking slowly 4-tabling PLO at super high stakes that he would never have to pay out on the 3/1 odds offered in his 'Durrrr Challenge'... here we are in late December and we are half way through round 1... never mind eh: Durrrr Challenges...

Well, let us face it, sod all happened in February... so I posted some made up stuff about Stars adding a logo piss-pot for tournament players to their FPP store (the bad old days, before synchronized breaks my dear readers!) Pokerstars Logo P1ss Pot

Full Tilt launched their academy in March, with lessons from pros patiently explaining concepts which will never apply to the micro-stakes in a million effing years. We highlighted the academy teaching players how to choose the luckiest avatar... Academy Luckiest Full Tilt Avatar Education

Swine flu and crunchy credit brought in the spring, while the poker scene started to get marginally more interesting in April... we thought the 'April Fools' joke about poker being a skill game was dead on the money, we then reported on the threat to Annie Duke's position from new 'kid' on the block Suzan Boyle... though our most popular post simply relied on that generally accepted passtime of people around the world of abusing the French... in our look at Elky's attempt to beat the French Hygene world record at the same time as doing something with SNGs - French Hygene World Record

Continuing with May to August next time... so don't forget to bookmark us now!


Friday, 18 December 2009

Playing In The Name Of!

As the UK grinds to it's usual fearful winter halt under 3 millimeters of powdery snow we bring you news that the Brits are busy fighting the establishment this holiday season... Sick of having prime-time TV talent shows provide the light-pop drivel of the Christmas chart-toppers... a Facebook campaign to get Rage Against The Machine to the number one spot looks like succeeding this time - one in the eye for, erm, well, nobody much really - but hey, it sounds like fun.

So, dear Melted Felt readers, this leads us to the question of who (or what?) is the Online Poker 'establishment' and how might we rebel against it - should we so desire? We could make calls 2% lighter than true ev for 'meta game purposes' against known regs with aggression factors more than 12% above ours - but that just does not feel like the true spirit of rebellion to me... we could use pics of Che Guevara as our Stars icon pics... but a random picture of a pen1s would probably be a less sad choice.

No, when it comes to poker - you have to ask yourself... who are you playing in the name of? Let us start with a lyrical journey into the minds of the forum message savages who are the sheep of 2+2... with our own Melted Felt potential seasonal chart-topper... set to the music of you know who:

Playing In The Name

Playing in the name of!
Some of those that cuss fishes are the same that limp aces
Some of those that cuss fishes are the same that limp aces
Some of those that cuss fishes are the same that limp aces
Some of those that cuss fishes are the same that limp aces

Playing in the name of!
Playing in the name of

And now you bet what they told ya
And now you bet what they told ya
And now you bet what they told ya
And now you bet what they told ya

Those that raised are justified, for tracking the stats, they're the grinding pros
You justify those that raised by 3 betting light, they're the grinding pros
Those that raised are justified, for tracking the stats, they're the grinding pros
You justify those that raised by 3 betting light, they're the grinding pros

Some of those that play tourneys are the same that shove aces
Some of those that play tourneys are the same that shove aces
Some of those that play tourneys are the same that shove aces
Some of those that play tourneys are the same that shove aces

Playing in the name of!
Playing in the name of

And now you bet what they told ya
And now you bet what they told ya
And now you bet what they told ya
And now you bet what they told ya
And now you bet what they told ya, now your under control
And now you bet what they told ya, now your under control
And now you bet what they told ya, now your under control
And now you bet what they told ya, now your under control

Those that raised are justified, for tilting their foes, they're the grinding pros
You justify those that raised with the sharkcope graph on a downward path
Those that raised are justified, for tilting their foes, they're the grinding pros
You justify those that raised with the sharkcope graph on a downward path

Fvck you, I won't play how you tell me
Fvck you, I won't play how you tell me
Fvck you, I won't play how you tell me
Fvck you, I won't play how you tell me
Fvck you, I won't play how you tell me
Fvck you, I won't play how you tell me
Fvck you, I won't play how you tell me
Fvck you, I won't play how you tell me!
Fvck you, I won't play how you tell me!
Fvck you, I won't play how you tell me!
Fvck you, I won't play how you tell me!
Online Poker is fvking rigged!


PS: If you are from the UK, sign-up now and go download the tune for xmas number 1! Go to facebook and search 'Rage against the machine for xmas number 1' you can't miss it!

Tuesday, 15 December 2009

Pokerstars Launch "Please Don't Play At Full Tilt' Tuesdays

In a news story that wishes it could be xmas every day, we bring you the inside scoop from the world's biggest poker site today dear readers - as we reveal some of the big name players involved in Pokerstars latest promotion - the 'Team Pro Tuesday'.

Yes, dear Melted Felt readers, while Full Tilt enjoys nosebleed stakes action every day of the week, with some of the biggest names in poker enjoying the high adrenaline action. Pokerstars somehow twigged that their 'stable' of poker pros may not actually have downloaded the Stars software yet.

In a big to redress the balance, keep the press release department busy, and generally remind smaller poker sites that they are pathetic wanna-bes who do not even deserve to share the same fvcking internet... Pokerstars are running "The Team Pro Please Don't Play At Full Tilt , Oh Please, Please Please Please, Its Only Until The End Of The Year, Honest, We'll Pay You, A Lot - Tuesdays" throughout December. The idea being that the stable of pros will play in the same games they do every day - only on Pokerstars, neat eh?

Completely unsubstantiated Rumor has it that a dedicated support team is on hand to show the Stars pros how to actually download the software, deposit and navigate around the tables... yet another rumor is that emergency coaching has been arranged to teach those tournament donkeys how to play deep stacked cash games - pass the sugar!

More soon!


Thursday, 10 December 2009

Joe Cada Treated To Big Day Out By PPA

An exclusive as usual today, Dear Melted Felt readers, as we bring you a trip report of 2009 WSOP champ Joe Cada's trip to Capitol Hill. Not only did Joe stick up for poker being a skill game on national TV, he is now taking his clean-cut nice-guy self directly to the politicians, whom he hopes to convince that winning flips with low pocket pairs is as American as it gets.

Cada's first port of call was with Democratic poker fans Linda Sanchez and Debbie Stablenow, who checked that Joes shoe's were recently buffed, before chatting about the best strategy for beating bearded tree-chopping calling stations heads-up.

It was never going to be easy meeting the Republican anti-fun brigade, however Cada managed to win them over after producing a card from his pocket which had large ticks next to 'no' for the questions 'Are you or have you ever been a communist?' and 'Are you or have you ever been a homosexual?'

Finally saw the champ's time came to up to stand in front of a cross-party delegation, Joe loudly cleared his throat, then removed his cap, brushed his hair over to one side and began to slowly turn around. At this point the tension in the room was palpable, with many politicians having years of experience almost unable to breathe due to the anticipation. A spotlight went on as members from both sides of the policical divide elbowed each other for position. Joe then gently pushed forward his right ear - revealing it to be freshly scrubbed and completely clean back there.

You could serve the relief in the room with a runciple spoon, a ripple of applause broke out, brows were mopped and high fives exchanged. Bible-bashing conservatives who previously thought that gambling was the devils work immediately signed up at Pokerstars, lost their money, then went straight back to thinking that gambling was the devils work. Lobbyists went to get their free lunch with business leaders, politicians went to committee meetings with each other and a declaration was made, voted on and passed all with unanimous agreement - that Joe was infact a very very very nice boy, very very very nice, nice.

This, however, was not the end of the big day out for Cada - the PPA then took him directly to Toys-R-US where he apparently spent some of his millions on more 500 go-go-hamsters... then to McDonalds for a burger and big yummy vanilla milkshake...


Monday, 7 December 2009

Introducing The Melted Felt Reusable Sunday Tournament Round-Up

A special Monday treat today that Melted Felt readers can use again and again... as we bring you our reusuable round-up of the major Sunday online poker tournaments!

Getting the most from this page is easy. Simply add it to your favorites, then every Monday come right back and read it again. Instead of reading the same dry old shit regurgitated by obviously bored-out-of-their-effing-minds journalists at major poker news portals, blogs and forums - you simply insert a couple of random user names and prize amounts here and before you can say 'It was sooted' you'll have a fresh new round-up perfectly suited to your particular combination of high self esteem and extremely low success rate...

The Melted Felt Sunday Poker Tournament Report

In another donktastic running of the biggest tournament of all - the Pokerstars Sunday Million - {InsertName#1} walked away with a 1st place and a prize of more than {Amount#1} following a 3 way chop leaving $30,000 for the eventual winner. Other notable finishers included {Name#2} in 2nd, {Name#3} in 3rd and semi-famous player that a couple of you real train-spotter freaks who really should get out more might have heard if in 6th for {amount#2}.

{InsertName#4} added to {his / her} online tournament for {InsertYear} of more than {InsertBigNumber} by scooping 3rd place in the Sunday Warm-Up, where {InsertNameOfSomeSatelliteQualifingDonkeyThatNobodyEverHeardOfAnd
WonWhenIAmSoMuchMoreSKilledThanThemHere#1} took home the first prize of {InsertAmount#4}.

Over at what is basically the only other site anybody is interested in, Full Tilt Poker, {insertName#5} won {YetAnotherFuckingAmount} in the "we'd love to make ours a million Gtd too but are not as big as Pokerstars" Sunday special and some other people who finished in other places won {lesserAmountsForCryingOutLoudWhatDidYouExpect}. Our very own {InsertNameOfSomeoneWhoMayHaveVisitedYourForumOnce} Came {yawn} for {sigh} which makes us all feel so warm and loving inside. In other big tournaments at Full Tilt everyone was so bored with the names and numbers that they forgot who won and even whether they mattered in the first place, and in fact whether any of this mattered, after all if free will is really just an illusion how can we be morally culpable? [get back on effing topic Mark - Ed].

Finally a round up of the high stakes action over at UB where Russ Hamilton might well have just won the weekend $200k for the 104th week in a row... allegedly!

Remember, Dearest readers - to bookmark this post today, if nothing else it will remind you not to waste so many minutes of your lives reading those turgid tournament reports. Even better why not use the widget below to share this post around a little... we'd genuinely appreciate it!


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Thursday, 3 December 2009

Shaun Deeb 'Burns Out' Of Insulting Opponents

Rather late news from the world of online poker tournament grinders today, dear Melted Felt readers, as we bring shocking news to those college dropouts who projected their current good run of cards 35 years into the future...and assumed they would still have friends after 2 years. Shaun Deeb, the pro tournament grinder blessed with the word 'Fuckin' as his middle name has officially burned out... of insulting opponents terrible play.

Shaun, who could famously 27-table, chat on AIM, play WoW and eat a big pile of delicious pies simultaneously has decided to stop insulting people in chat boxes until the new year - when he will dedide on his future... with options including giving opponents chat grief in online cash games, or moving to live play and making those insults personally.

Deeb, who somehow won more than $27 trillion during his online poker tournament career allegedly knew his time on the virual felt was coming to an end when a fish rivered some random two pair after getting all-in on the flop when 90% underdog... "I was about to give him a hard time, but the my fingers just refused to type the words" Started the voices in our head, "it was then I realized that giving a real good talking to over the years to some 18,211 fish had become too much, and I was completely burned out of pointless online poker berating". Adding, "I considered moving up levels to where they respect my insults, but already play at those levels, and they don't, and so that one was ruled out"

Well Shaun, whether you choose to insult cash game players over multiple streets, live poker players to their face, or find the will to play those soul-crushing online tournaments once again after your burn-out break - Melted Felt wish you the very best.


Sunday, 29 November 2009

UIGEA Delay - Industry Reactions

US Poker players last night gave thanks to the Congressmen of Kentucky, for doing what the cash-hungry supporters of the poker industry have failed to do for years... namely, erm, well, anything at all really.

As a simple case of an *ahem* influential member of the Kentucky *ahem* business elite having his mastercard declined when trying to bet on a 'sure thing' in the 15:30 at Churchill Downs caused the date for the UIGEA regs to move to June 1st... we collected together the reactions of some interested parties from the completely ineffective for years poker lobby.

We started with John Puppus, imaginary head of a poker organisation which coincidentally shares the same initials as the PPA... "Well, fvck me" began John, "Fvck me fvcking sideways" he continued, with a kind of happy-but-distant expression on his face, "Well knock me down with a fvcking feather, fvckety fuck fvck". We then pressed him on the PPA's next plans, but unfortunately by this time he was busy trying to explain how a 'cvunting miracle' had happened to a passing Mexican taxi driver.

Unperturbed, we called the office of Frankey Barn, the man behind a million bills and chairman of the 'Your Choice Of Bills Into Law from only $5000 Committee".... "This is a great day for Bridge Players of all policitcal denominations" began Frank, so we pointed out that Bridge was not what we were enquiring after, "the members of credit unions will remember the extra protection this bill has given them when we next go to the polls", ah, we asked for comment concerning online poker and were assured that for just $25k a bill of our choice would be numbered, given a fancy sounding name and then shot down by religeous zealots in 2010.

Disappointed,we instead spoke to Nate, a 21 year old rakeback-enabled pro grinder who was a vocal supporter on message boards of the rights of every American to do with their money as they wish... including playing online poker. Nate was positive that this was a first step towards a regulated and fully governed system which had protection built in for both professionals and for problem gamblers alike. We then asked Nate whether he had considered the fact that his legitimately earned income would then be subject to taxation.... at which point he went slightly green, stared blankly at us for a couple of seconds and then fainted.

Ah well,


Tuesday, 24 November 2009

Poker Software Review - Tournament Bust Auto-Hater (TM)

Something different today, Dear Melted Felt readers, as we bring you a review of a new poker software tool which could revolutionise your life! We review the new software from the people who brought you the 'Auto-Min-Raise-Machine', the "SNG-Spite-Calling-Engine" and the "Omaha-Aces-Only-Auto-Raiser"... Yes the Tournament Bust Auto Hate Machine is available for immediate download for just $99.

Overview of the 'Tournament Bust Auto Hate Machine's Functions

This tool could save you hours over the course of an average week of playing low level multi-table tournaments online, by saving you the time and effort involved in berating the fucking fish who busted you. By automating the task of typing insults into the chat box, following them from table to table and giving them a thorough lecture on exactly how playing this way will lose money in the long run you'll be free to play other games effectively, spew venom onto new players asking innocent enough but basic questions in popular forums poker forums or - wait for it - even go to a bar*

* Assumes you are one of the 2.37% of online poker players who actually have a life.

But that, as they say, is not all - just take a look at the list of great bonus benefits below and you'll be reaching for your credit card before you can say, "I'm thinking of dropping out of college and becoming an online poker pro".

** International Options, The Tournament-Bust-Auto-Hater is capable of reading the location of whoever busted you and adapting insults to cause maximum distress. US readers note that simply ticking a box in the settings ensures this works in the US or Canada / Euro / Rest of the Word mode which is more familiar to you.

** Stats, this great feature kicks in after 5 minutes of great auto-insulting, the Tournament-Auto-Bust Hater will automatically look up the stats of your opponent on various databases, find the least flattering and repeatedly type these into the chat box. If all the stats are positive the system simply looks back to the international option and doubles the country-specific insults.

** Auto Hand Reading 'LOLs', finally the genius of the programmers has developed an extra-special feature. When your opponent loses a pot after busting you the tool will auto-post 'lol', 'fucking retard' and 'well played' in random sequence... guaranteed to cause minor irritation to even the most stoic of opponents.

Buy Yours Now!


PS: We geninuely appreciate the odd 'social bookmark' or two, the button / widget below lets you bookmark us to Twitter, Stumbleupon, Facebook and many others - if you could spread the word that would be great!

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Monday, 23 November 2009

Proof A Last! Turin Shroud Reveals Secrets

In a post which will undoubtedly trigger mass hatred from those people who love to worship supernatural beings we bring you some timely proof... Yes dear Melted Felt readers, the completely unbiased researchers at the Vatican have been taking a look at the Turin Shroud... and with global warming only recently proven to be a complete hoax we are actually relieved to receive some enlightening proof.

Settling a debate which has raged for many centuries was never going to be easy, however condom-hating Vatican bookworm Barbara Fail has finally put our fears to rest after a starting hands chart for no-limit holdem was found faintly outlined in ancient greek on the side of Jesus' nose.

With huge debate, world wars and suicide bombers all triggered by some eternal questions we are the very first to bring you God himself's version of whether to play pocket 6's from the first 3 positions at a full table in a tournament with 20 big blind effective stack...

The answer is,.,.,.,Kzzzzkzk.... aaargh,... buh... fzzzzzzz

** Editors note - we apologise for the abrupt end to this post, unfortunately the writer appears to have been mysteriously struck by lightning.... ah well, at least the Global Warning being a complete hoax thing stands up to scrutiny.... **


Thursday, 19 November 2009

New UB Brand Demand Everyone Involved Wear Sheep's Clothing

An exclusive again today, dear Melted Felt readers, as we bring you news of a twist to the recently announced rebranding efforts at Ultimate Bet - which is now known by the catchy name of, erm, no, sorry, not that one, we meant '', yes.

Poker players worldwide have very little to hate, and so have loved to hate Ultimate Bet ever since the scandal which affected none of them, or anyone they know, broke back whenever it was. It is now so 'in' to write 'cheating scum' in forums that even people who could not tell you the slightest thing about the scandal, and have never played at UB in their lives make these anti-UB forum posts part of their morning routine - nestled nicely in-between having a shit and making a cup of coffee.

By we have strayed from the scoop... revealed by an internally leaked post-it note in the build up to the big rebrand Ultimate Bet have MANDATED that everyone involved in any capacity wear sheeps clothing, with immediate effect.

This, dear readers, applies equally to the UB pros as anyone else. Phil Hellmuth himself will be donning a romanesque 'Big Ram' costume for a future public appearances, with horns made to look like '11' and really fucking massive shiney black balls protruding from under his tail. Joe Sebok's sheep costume has been themed on the Blue Oyster Bar, and Annie (oh, sweet Annie Annie Annie) Duke had a revealing little lamby number made up - which has currently been sent back for a larger sized replacement.

Customer service now have sheep-ear headphone sets and have been advised to 'baaaaaa' down the phone if anyone asks about the cheating scandal. Not forgetting the players or course, who will each be sent a sheep-mask to play with at the tables under different names than the forum Ids they use to critisize the site... your masks have already been paid for by losing a hand you would otherwise have won ;o)

We asked a UB spokesman for comment, however he pointed to the right, shouted "Look! Puppies!" and then ran off at high speed. Ah well, at least we'll know that any wolves found in UB's sheep's clothing can not be anything like as bad as actually finding the people involved in the site.


Tuesday, 17 November 2009

Poker Players Alliance In Last Minute Call For Straws

More than 3 years after the UIGEA was snuck in on the back of a 'please don't import big radioactive bombs through out union-strangled dockyards bill' the Poker Players Alliance was last night staring the gaping maw of failure right in the, erm, gaping maw... With every half assed letter-writing campaign having had little effect, and 97% of rakeback grinders still not in possession of that shiney dropped penny that grown-ups call tax, desparate measures are being called for, along with some clutchable straws.

So with 2 weeks to go before the banks crack down on the degenerate gamblers who spent the last 3 years thinking it had nothing to do with them it is down to Melted Felt to make a last minute appeal.

Yes, dear MF readers, we are today launching an appeal for any last minute straws out there which the PPA can desperately clutch at. Our only criteria for these straws is that they seem plausible at the time, are worthy of a press release or two, a big letter-writing campaign, an online petition, and then can slowly and gently be forgotten as they fail - only to be replaced with another plausible-sounding straw in the meantime.

Straws which involve Senators, Congressmen, faxing and making *ahem* 'donations' (wink wink) to the PPA are all particularly welcome at this difficult time.

In case the last ditch 'Hey my good and important political friends, lets all chill for 18 months while we think about it' act somehow (shockingly) does not get passed in time doe Dec 1st there is no cause for immediate alarm... The PPA have a contingency mass letter-writing plan already organised and ready to roll - though exactly how getting 100,000 online poker players to write to Santa Claus would help we are not quite sure....


PS: Once again, while we are happy to take the piss, the PPA do great work and we genuinely support their efforts - it is not too late to get involved via

PPS: Sit N Go Planet just had a major facelift... and is now available in French (god knows, they need all the strategy help they can get) check out or for the soap-shy onion selling garlic muchers out there
should do the trick.

Monday, 16 November 2009

Who Is Isildur1? Isildur1's True Identity Revealed!!

Scooptastic news this morning, dear Melted Felt readers - as we stop the collective poker itch which is the mystery surrounding the true identity of Isildur1, who has been completely and utterly owning new Team Full Tilt member Tom 'Durrrr' Dwan on the high stakes tables recently as well as taking the odd pot from twin Tilt baldies Antonius and Hansen...

Who is Isildur1? I hear you collectively ask as he scoops yet another pot to take his total vs Dwan to over $4 million... all we know for sure so far is that this player comes from Sweden, the country that famously supplied the steel which helped build the Nazi war machine during World War while pretending to be 'neutral'.

Yes dear readers, it was Benny from ABBA all along. Benny Andersson is in fact famous for not being the son of Alfred Nobel - originator of the prizes Sweden give out every year to hide the fact that they have actually done fuck all of anything during their 1000's of years of history* (*except for helping build the Nazi war machine of course.)

The chirpy songsmith, who has irritated generations of wedding guests with such hits as Money Money Money and Dancing Queen first took an interest in online poker after realizing he lived somewhere where it was completely dark 22 hours a day for 11 months of the year. Though his initial foray onto the tables was unsuccessful, success soon came his way after he had his 'fold' button replaced with the words 'Danish Beer Is Just So Much Better'

As long as it stops a comeback tour, eh?


Monday, 9 November 2009

2,137,228 Joseph Cada Fans Come Out Of The Closet

In a Melted Felt exclusive that is not scared to shove 40 big blinds to pick up the antes, we can today bring you the sensational news that 2,137,228 previously silent fans of Joseph Cada have popped their heads above the parapet - and revealed that they just knew all along that he would win.

With dangerous pro Ivey on the rail and Cada having a monster chip lead over trigger happy Darvin Moon we were amazed to find out that more than 72,845 poker players "regularly discuss strategy over the instant messenger" with Cada, 13,813 of them are regular attendees at his home game, 1521 went out with his sister and that more than 70% of his female fans think that $8.5 million would go 'a long way' to help them overlook his slightly wierd face.

In our highly dangerous role as investigative reporters at the front line of poker news, we spoke on the telephone to Josh, who posted 'told you so' messages on no less than 31 different forums after the World Series final table got down to just the two of them.

We started by asking Josh about the messages supporting Ivey a couple of days ago. It turned out the 'Ivey will win, no contest /thread' posts were made by his little sister, the tirade of abuse when someone questioned his ability to come back from a small stack was posted by his cousin's friend - and the ALL CAPS post that anyone who was rooting against Ivey was not a true poker fan was in fact posted by his Mum while worse for a bottle of the finest cooking Sherry, he then hung up.

Next we tracked down 'Ben', who claimed to be the only genuine and original Cada fan around - calling everyone else 'fair weather fans' and repeatedly assuring us that he was right there on the rail at the final table of the Full Tilt $750k when Cada won... We checked out the history and it turned out Ben was right - though we are not actually sure whether or not 'please ship me $5, please please please' and 'someone ship me $5 so I can enter a tournament, promise to pay you back $10 tomorrow, honestly' (along with 23 other variations on the same theme) counts as 'being a fan'.

Stay tuned dear Melted Felt readers, the heads-up match should be funny.

Friday, 6 November 2009

Fish Agrees Wholeheartedly With Fish

Hot off the press we bring you a fish-tale direct from the online poker tables

The incident involved a fish wholeheartedly agreeing with a fish who berated a fish for berating another fish who had sucked-out in some-what ordinarily fishy style

It all started when the first fish, whose exit from the table got the other fish all excited, called a $1.30c all-in (pot sized) bet with no less than a queen high flush draw on a board of Ah-Kh-Qc-10c... when the 'beautiful 6 of clubs' hit the river matching his 4-5 sooted.

One particularly angry fish, quicky mucking his A-6 off suit, started to call the fortunate fish a fish, the first fish did not particularly care (or, for that matter, understand) and promptly left the table to play Monopoly with his kid sister. At this point a third fish started berating the second fish for 'making the first fish leave.'

Apparently the fish who left was a good source of money and should have been encouraged to stay. After a 4th fish agreed the second fish started feeling defensive - challenging any fish who would listen a heads-up match.... not for this 5c / 10c nonsense either, this was to be a high-stakes 25c / 50c match.

Fortunately for the fish-in-question's bankroll, nobody accepted his offer... at the end of the day conclusive proof that they are all nothing but fish.



Tuesday, 3 November 2009

Pokerstars Announce UK and Ireland Poker Tour

Poker tournaments are now held in some fantastic locations all around the world. The Bahamas, Las Vegas, Macau, Australia, Punta Del Este and Monte Carlo. Players with just a few dollars can donk their way through satellites and find themseleves completely out of their depth against opponents who can read their hands as if turned face-upwards all around the world.

To get the balance back in balance, the feng aligned with the shui, the karma matching the ying-yang and the poker community having generally g-g-g-g-good vibrations, Pokerstars have announced a new tour of those dull and slightly musty-smelling islands off of the coast of Europe known as the UK and Ireland. As always, dear Melted Felt readers, we bring you the scoop on the details which matter to you - the poker fan.

Event #1 - The Strencham Services Open - December 11th to 14th - $2000 Buy-in

Strencham Services (southbound) lies in the beautiful rolling Worcestershire countryside and is an isolated gas station, hotel and hugely overpriced convienience shopping stop on the M5 motorway - connecting Birmingham, England's second city, with the cider-swilling inbreds of the south-west. We are personally looking forward to spending $14 on a dry cheese sandwich and chatting pleasantly with truck drivers from Poland about their hairy wives in the bar of the $35 a night luxuary that is the Holiday Inn Hotel.

Event #2 - The Uxbridge Legends Of Poker - Feb 3rd to 5th - $1000 Buy-in Pot-Limit Omaha

Held in 'The Taj Mahal', a busy and popular curry restaurant on the high street of this grim greater-London satellite town this is the only PLO poker tournament in the world with wipe-clean tables, a big jug of water and free popadoms for every player - complete with both yoghurt and mango chutney dips. While the fact that the 'Taj (as it is affectionately known to the locals) not being licenced to serve alcohol may seem like a down-side, it actually means you can bring your own cans to drink at the table - a considerable saving in tips alone. We recommend the Lamb Dupiaza if you get a little hungry.

Event #3 - The Caerphilly 'Poker you say?' Open - Feb 19th to 20th - $1000 ('$1000 you say'?) buy-in

Next the tour moves to Wales, that completely and utterly pointless part of the British Isles. The Caerphilly open is to be accompnied by the sound of male-voice choirs, the crackle and hiss of English-owned holiday homes going up in smoke and the persistant chorus of 'Poker you say?', and 'Poker is it then?' from the locals. Special lop-sided chairs have been provided for Welsh contestants - who famously have one leg shorter than the other, causing them to walk round in circles.

Event #4 - The Dublin Open - March 1st to 3rd - 50c Buy-in

While Dublin is no doubt a fantastic place to hold a poker tournament, the Irish economy is in such a bad state that it was deemed necessary to reduce the buy-in to this event to just 50c. While a couple of years ago half of Ireland was swanning around the world buying up property like they were the smartest business people on the planet, someone forgot to tell them that the money they were spending was actually invented by their banks, leaving the nation to get on with the traditional passtimes of growing potatoes and having nothing much to say after the 'being Irish - haha' joke is over once the bubble burst. With a prize pool expected to grow to over $163 we are really looking forward to this one, to be sure to be sure.

Grand Final - The Blackpool Pleasure Beach 'Don't Think Much Of Yours Mate' Poker Open- March 17th - $5000 Buy-in

The vomit-covered streets of Britains favorite seaside resort host the grand final of the inagural UKIPT, with more Elvis impersonators and fat ladies wearing cringe-worthy revealing tops in freezing temperatures than anywhere else in the UK, contestants will actually find themselves welcoming the semi-consciousness brought on by getting repeatedly punched for 'looking the wrong way' at a random member of a totally pissed stag night. Great thing is busting out early from this tournament means you can pop down the local bingo hall for a 2nd chance to win - we can't wait!

Not insulted your town, nationality or personality type yet? Then remember to bookmark Melted Felt today... coz you're next.


Thursday, 29 October 2009

Poker Public Service Announcement: Please Folks, Do Not Tap The Glass

Even the most shocking exclusives become just another tale of glory after a few days, Dear Melted Felt readers, which is why we bring you a public service announcement today designed to make your play - whether live or online - that 'lill bit more profitable.

'Tapping The Glass' is a reference to fishtanks - and of course a fish at a poker table is someone who is donating his money to the game, in most people's eyes a very welcome player. Tapping the glass thus refers to alerting fish that their play may be less than optimal, usually by insulting them, their mothers, the genetic diversity of their close family and theatening their pets with diabolical torture (though not necessarily the pet torture part) . This then triggers behavior in which leads the fish to discover 'poker strategy', learn and stop being a fish... which is bad.

Now, most players will already know that a flush - that is 5 cards of the same suit - beat a pair of aces. However, if you come across some random fish who does not yet have this knowledge, and is willing to muck in a million-chip pot in the later stages of the world's biggest poker tournament with a flush - after seeing that their opponent did indeed pair the top card, then we urge you to keep quiet... for the long term profitability of the game.

Whether you are some spotty teen who plays freerolls on your moms computer, or a worldwide poker news portal with readers measured in the hundreds of thousands - please please do not post youtube videos which might be forwarded by a friend of the fish in question. Please do not bump a discussion thread which is alread 10 pages long and please please do not blog about it at all.

Poker is hard enough already folks - there really is no need to 'tap the glass.'


Wednesday, 28 October 2009

Durrrr Challenge: Moderately Sized Electricity Bill Goes Unpaid

Yes dear Melted Felt readers, the poker world was last night embroiled in controversy, fighting tooth and nail and posting slightly ambiguous messages about itself on popular poker forums. "Why??" I hear the legions of loyal MF fans ask in time-zone distributed unison... well, read on.

We can share the shocking news that the last person on Planet Earth who was following the painfully slow progress of the Durrrr Challenge actually forgot to turn off the light on their way out... running up a moderate size electricity bill which has now reached final demand stage.

Full Tilt, as hosts of the ingloriously dull challenge, did not refuse to pay outright. Instead forwarding our account details and payment request to a 3rd party affiliate and assuring us that we are now on 'the list' to receive 27% of our electricity bill payments back - while acknowledging that brand new players can get utility rebates straight away with no questions asked.

Partrik Antonious was far too busy slating ginger short-stackers in interviews to even discuss payment of the bill, and Dwan himself had apparently never even heard of 'bills', having come straight from his daddies pocket to millionaire poker player status without that annoying thing called 'real life' getting in the way at any stage....

Well, there is a coincidence - the challenge is actually running while we bring you this news item... so instead of getting into that innane debate about whether the challenge actually exits if nobody is there to watch it, we are off to watch a fresh coat of paint oh so slowly dry.


Sunday, 25 October 2009

While You Are Playing Poker... There Are Many Other Games Being Played!

Every now and again, Dearest Melted Felt readers, we like to gently prod the soft and oh-so-very white underbelly of online poker to bring you a shocking and gritty tale from those virtual tables. What many players concentrating on playing the beautiful game of poker with its many levels of thinking fail to realize, is that there are in fact many other games being played while you wrinkle that forehead over your next move.... today we look at just 5 of these 'other games' your opponents may be playing. If you spot one being played while online simply type, "Melted Felt!!" into the chat box then follow it quickly with "sry, wrong window".

So without any further preamble: 5 'Other Games' Being Played While You Play Poker!

1) Za-Nuttiest-Nuts: This is a favorite among low stakes PLO Players, it involves limping into every pot and trying to make the nuts on the flop often folding to a min-bet if they miss. The great thing about the game of making the nuttiest nuts is that you can make lots of money from people who do not understand the game, and think that their 2nd nuttiest nut hand is worth betting their stack on.

2) Tricked'Ya! A Great poker sub-game in which players deliberately play their hands in such a way as to make far less profit over time in order to check-mini-raise and opponent on a later street... they'll feel proud, talented and oh so very smart when you find out they hand a monster all along... though will reload their cash account extrememly often.

3) Told You So! While it sometimes seems like it is the majority of poker players who believe that they are talented but just unlucky, players of the 'Told You So' sub-game are at an extreme... rather than assess weaknesses in individual opponents to exploit with their play, they are looking for any evidence of hands winning which were not statistically favored pre-flop... an Ace-Jack spikes against an Ace-King and it is 'Told You So!!" time, where the boring sh1t goes on and on and on and on about site X being a joke and generally demonstrates they have no understanding of the concept of 30% or 20% or whatever-other-fucking-percent.

4) Pimp-Daddy-Cool! A great sub-game, and popular one too, is especially reserved for the lowest levels of tournaments and Sit N Goes. A player will make a strategy comment and meet little resitance, followed by a jab at an opponents bad play, followed by winning a big pot... at this point *boom* they transform into the 'king of the $3 tournament' showing those damn fish who is the daddy round here, utterly oblivious to the fact that speaking like 'the big man' in a micro-level game is, well, lets just say completely fucking daft and leave it at that.

5) 20% Off! Our final game is unfortunately also common, you'll be playing at a table at which one or two opponents are merrily donating cash and someone will decide that it is time to make this table less profitable - for themselves and everyone else.. up to 20% less profitable in fact. This is usually achieved by critisizing and berating the bad player until they leave... the (dumb-ass) players of this game then crow into the chat box, often actually believing that they are really very smart. In reality of course this is one of the most stupid things you could do at a poker table, but alas the players of 20% Off! are usually broke before the penny actually drops!

We are sure this is just a small sample of the sub-games going on right now - if you can think of any then let us know!


Tuesday, 20 October 2009

Prahlad Friedman Accidentially Accuses Himself Of Multi-Accounting

Shocks come thick and fast in the high octane world of sitting comfortably in your chair at a virtual card table, dear Melted Felt readers. Today we bring you an exclusive so unbelievable, you'll wonder why they ever took the word 'gullible' out of the dictionary in the first place.

Yes - Prahlad 'Spirit Rock' Friedman, the talented high-stakes pro, has accidentially accused himself of multi-accounting... and then found himself shocked and bemused when his other-self started arguing back in the UB chat box.

As if accusing Tom Dwan, Patrik Antonious and Phil Galfond of all playing under the screen name 'TeddyKGB' was not enough, the accusuation of himself went further than just playing heads-up no limit holdem. We can exclusively reveal the imaginary news that Freidman accused his relection of stealing his razor during his morning shave, shouted at his left foot for trying to run off with one of his favorite sneakers and almost had a punch-up with his shadow who he accused of looking the wrong way at his girlfriend's ass.

According to sources close to Friedman, the problem was not so much playing against himself, it was the fact that he was not really sure which self he was playing against. To put it in more concrete terms, some selves would require an insta-call with those aces, while for other selves a clear fold is in order... well, have you ever tried to make a play based on game-flow when you are not even sure which other self you are playing?


Friday, 16 October 2009

Shock As Doyle Brands Poker TV Shows Embarrassing

Veteran poker player and wearer of big hats Doyle Brunson has sensationally slammed the latest round of TV reality type shows in his blog, dear Melted Felt readers. Branding the likes of 2 months 2 million, the Million Dollar Poker Show and Big Hats Weekly an EMBARRASSMENT!! (erm, not big hats weekly - ED).

As usual we go deeper, uncovering more of the news than our wafer-thin mint rivals and bringing you the whole story - not just a one-line soundbite.

Yes, dear readers, sources close to the big man of poker have confided in us that Doyle firmly believes all poker shows should be in black and white... branding the technicolor of today's shows far to bright and garish for comfortable, slipper-wearing viewing. With participants in these shows often not looking directly at the camera and never addressing the audience in formal tones - it is apparently rather hard to follow the plot.

In fact the poker legend whose recent recognition for sporting achievements 50 years ago was absolutely nothing to do with his big piles of money or celebrity status allegedly suggested that poker TV could be vastly improved by doing away with the sound too. Suggesting instead that a cheeky chappy in baggy pants and a jacket with white gloves and a cane would be perfect for leading the audience through the different stages of poker tournaments - and that placards with decorated edges could be displayed to explain the nuances of the action between hands, possibly with a rag-time piano tune playing in the background.

Doyle did not stop there in his angry and sensational tirade against the recently graduated wanna-be producers who are creating such poker TRASH on previously sensible family-friendly networks. A good old-fashioned trip to the cinema, or even better, a Magic Lantern poker sequence has been called for - to delight and amaze the audience with flickering approximations of movement.

At this point we understand Doyle started to call for Buffalo Bills Wild West Show to be restarted, with the suits and rank of cards painted on the side of horses... we will have to bring you the details another time dear readers... the next episode of The Million Dollar Poker Show is about to start...


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Thursday, 15 October 2009

Nits, Donkeys And Fish File Class Action Lawsuit Against 2+2

Legal beagles, eagles and smeagols are rubbing their fat fingers together today, dear Melted Felt readers. The reason? A class action lawsuit filed against 2+2, publishers of gambling books and owners of the worlds biggest and angriest poker forum community.

Citing repeated deformation of character, the suit is being bought by a small sample of the affected creatures including 7 million nits, 37 fresh and saltwater fish and a donkey known as 'Jeffry'. Being critized, abused and flamed every single day by posters old and new on 2+2 was just too much in the end - leading to the legal battle which will see the 7,000,038 individuals claim for more than 55 Million Sklansky dollars in compensation.

We spoke to Irene Davey, a school nit-nurse from the twin cities area, who - after establishing that we had eaten all of our greens, washed behind our ears and were not chewing any gum - gave us the lowdown on the upcoming legal battle.

"Nits are very mis-understood 'lill fellas, " began Irene, shifting a stray roll of belly-fat into a more comfortable position before going on, "while the average infested head can contain up to 63,000,000 of them, they are very much individuals - with their own quirks and cutesy little personality traits," continued Irene "yet day-in day-out the 2+2ers are 'fucking nit-this' 'bastard-fish that'. it was about time someone made a stand - and I don't mean just by posting an upward sloping poker tracker graph either."

We next put it to Jeffry the Donkey that they were using the sheer force of numbers of head-lice to pressure 2+2 into an out of court settlement - rather than let the case become a precident for several hundred billion other nits and countless billions of fish. Well being alledgedly bad at poker was not quite enough here, Jeffry obviously did not understand a single word and carried on contentedly munching a carrot... uncannily similar to what the vast majority of the angry young men posting on 2+2 today will be doing 6 to 9 months after they start their 'poker careers' really...


Tuesday, 13 October 2009

Search Begins As Pokerstars Disappears Up Its Own Ass

Shocking is hardly the word, dear Melted Felt readers, to describe the indignation, the fury and the sense of helplessness brought about yesterday as Stars blinded away players in $2 SNGs, froze $5 MTTs and folded hands just about to be cunningly check-raised in cash games.

Yesterday Pokerstars became so big, alledgedly so arrogant and so far detached from the reality of the 'little guys' that it actually completely disappeared up its own asshole... and while Full Tilt enjoyed near-record traffic for a short (and oh so sooo sweet) while, a desperate search and rescue mission was initiated.

Hamsters were equipped with mini-scuba gear, the 'thwack' of latex glove was swiftly followed by the 'pok' of vaselene jars being hurridly opened... x-ray machines came visibly juddering to life, scopes were scoped and sonar imaging tools were carefully finger-tip checked.

No, dear readers, no stool was to left unturned while a statistically unlikely sample of players described to bored loved ones how they just flopped a royal flush before being timed out, paced up and down wondering what non-poker players would do with an evening, and took the opportunity to randomly insult people genuinely asking for help with their game on poker forums.

Fortunately this news item has a happy ending, Stars were fairly quickly retrieved from their own asshole when someone came up with the bright idea of waving a big wad of cash next to the chocolate starfish in question... Even happier news for the Bulgarian, erm, 'computer enthusiast' team who were incredibly the only players not disconnected, Melted Felt would like to personally congratulate you on those 217 tournament victories yesterday.


Thursday, 8 October 2009

French Legislate To Open Gambling Market, Allow Fold Buttons

News from the land of garlic-munching surrender-monkeys today, dear Melted Felt readers, as the French government legislate for a menage-a-trois of online poker, french players and high as fuck taxes in a bid to keep their ever road block ready union chiefs fully paid.

Yes, while those good people still in possession of mouse-fingers after Agincourt click away illegally, the government are coming into line with the EU, and filling their boots with some tax revenues at the same time.

But, unreported in certain - shall we say shallow - publications the piece of legislation in question also includes a clause which could revolutionise the way online poker is played by the citizens of France. Yes, dear Melted Felt readers, later this year could see the French able to fold a hand after the flop... an ability strictly prohibited at the moment regardless of their holding, the betting and indeed the texture of the flop itself.

We understand the French law dating back to Louis the 16th mandating that ace-rag be raised from any position was considered too ingrained in the national psyche to legislate against on this occasion.

Stay tuned dear readers, we'll bring you the latest just as soon as the stripey-topped onion seller cycles over to let us know...


Wednesday, 7 October 2009

FullFlush Banned From EPT - Our Sandwich Psychologist Speaks

While the news that Poker's Hardman Luke 'FullFlush' Schwartz has been banned from the EPT and Grosvenor Casino chain in the UK for stealing a sandwich may have made headlines on certain other poker news sites... we think that the discerning Melted Felt reader would enjoy something a little more in-depth.

Yes, dear Melted Felt Readers, we have brought in world famous sandwich psychologist Dr S.P Read to tie in the personality traits behind the big poker names choice of bread-based light lunch.

We started by asking Dr Read about Schwartz' choice of a plain cheese and cucumber sandwich on white. "A fascinating selection" began Dr Read, "to me this harkens back to Luke's early days, to the inherent contradiction between his self-image as a hardman and the reality of creeping around at night wearing a hooded top and spraying sh1tty tags on other peoples property" continuing, "had it been cheese with pickle we might have brought in the lack of a role-model in those crucial teen years - something which could explain why he seems to still think 'being tough' is important at 25, a full 10 years after most people stop giving a flying fuck"

Moving on we asked Dr Read about his observations of Annette Obrestad's imaginary sandwich munching during the EPT event, "Well, choosing the fish seemed natural at first - after all Norway have a long sea-faring tradition, when she also chose the ham salad this started to show a more balanced, yet fundamentally insecure aspect of her personality" Dr Read Paused, before continuing " Selecting the cheese and egg, then the salami, chicken tikka, beef and horseradish, then the BLT and finally the 'all-day breakfast in a roll' got me to the post-Freudian desire to control the world by showing tight discipline with both small pocket pairs and bowel movements - it also reminded me that you don't lose that puppy fat by twittering bitchy insults about your fellow players, do we now??"

Finally we asked Dr S.P Read about Daniel Negreanu's made-up selection of free-range goats cheese with organic walnuts and wild rocket salad, the reply was a very simple one - "poof".


Monday, 5 October 2009

Full Tilt Sued By Poker Bot?

A shocking story today, dear Melted Felt readers - though one we are sure will turn out to be mostly harmless. Yes, we heard the news that Full Tilt are being sued by some alledged poker-bot owners at the same time as everyone else... and immediately dispatched our own specialist investigator affectionately known as the Melted Felt Mole to dig a little deeper. What he came back with is nothing short of gargle-blasting...

Yes, it turned out that the Bot in question was no ordinary poker playing computer program. None other than galaxy traveling robotic superstar Marvin the Paranoid Android was the one who had $80,000 confiscated. Not only that, but the Mole managed to grab this exclusive interview.

MF Mole: So, Marvin, Can You Please Describe The Circumstances Which Lead To This Lawsuit?

Marvin: "Suppose so, not that it will do me much good" began the Hitchikers Guides infamous metalhead started, "took me ages to accumulate that $80k too, then they just said 'no androids' and took it all away, just like that. I considered starting again with a $50 pre-paid visa deposit, but the queues at my local drug-store are just huge - so I decided to sue to get my money back".

MF Mole: Well, $80,000 - Thats A Lot of Cash, How Did You Win It??

Marvin: 'Thats the point isn't it - brain the size of a planet and there I was playing 5c / 10c pot-limit Omaha" (pauses) "I mean, you try and get your money in with the best of it, but its not like anyone respects raises any more, all 4-bet this, 5-bet that - depressing really"

MF Mole: So You Built The $80k Entirely At The Micros?

Marvin: "Yes, but my circuits show that, in terms of Sklansky Dollars I should really have been $84,336 up - just shows how bad I was running... the first 10 million bad beats were the worst, and the 2nd 10 million bad beats were also the worst, after that I just started running really really badly"

MF Mole: Any Plans To Return To The Tables?

Marvin: "Hardly any point now is there"

Stay tuned dear readers, we will bring you the outcome of the case as soon as we have it!


Friday, 2 October 2009

Full Tilt Release Non-FTOPS Dates Schedule

In a flip-flop of a switch around the fine people at Full Tilt Poker's press department today held their hands up, sighed and said a resounding 'fuck it'. Yes, dear Melted Felt readers the pressure of releasing FTOPS schedules on a daily basis has taken its toll on those hard working holders of 'Media Studies' college degrees - and a brand new approach was required.

Following a brainstorming team building session involving slightly cringe-worthy role playing the press team discovered that - since there were only a couple of long weekends and the odd rainy Tuesday each year when the FTOPS was not running - it would be much easier to release these dates instead.

Yes, dear readers from now on there will be officially sanctioned 'Non-FTOPS' days where Full Tilt will release via e-mail and a cheap online press-release service a list of 'alternative' activitities for their players to enjoy. Our insider told the Melted Felt's very own mole that these were designed to freshen up players in time for the next FTOPs and included wearing a beard of bees, trying to answer a friends questions for 2 minutes without saying 'yes' or 'no' and pushing an unshelled peanut around the house with your nose.

All other days will feature the ever more popular events, in fact after running out of dates the Full Tilt team have decided to run multiple events each day. You'll now be able to mini-FTOPS at breakfast, PLO FTOPS rebuy over a light lunch and then jump right into a 'main event', the international poker community will be pleased to know that there will be 7 main events each day to choose from covering all timezones.

Well, all we can say is roll on Thursday the 12th of March... thats our first break in 3 years from the all new 'perpetual SNG Madness'.


Wednesday, 30 September 2009

Sebok Signs As Ultimate Bet's 'Head Of Not Being Gay'

Sensational, if somewhat dated, news dear Melted Felt readers - as we bring you the shocking exclusive scooptastic and utterly imaginary news that one Joe Sebok (famous for being the not gay son of a Barry Tanebaum, erm, no, Harry Greenday, erm) has signed an exclusive sponsorship agreement with Ultimate Bet to become their official furry mascot - and head honcho in the new role of not being gay.

Sebok's new duties as head of not being gay in the slightest include a diverse range of un-gay activities. While the forum dogs who only ever play on UB under pseudonyms cried 'foul' Sebok announced he would be working hard towards having all of the suspected 'Superuser' hand histories released so that he could personally verify that there is nothing gay about them while soaking in a bath full of scented rose petals and drinking bacardi with diet coke.

Stating a will to bring any and all gay superusers to justice, Joe stated categorically that he was backed by the Kahnawake Gaming corporation in implementing limp-wristed mouse click detection software via a the all new completely heterosexual Cereus security centre. Though as a politically correct concession they were considering offering branded pink fluffy 'Sebok' slippers via the VIP store.

At the time of writing the positions of 'head of not being fat as fuck' and 'head of persecuting religious minorities' were unfilled - though in a very disturbing development we understand that part of the selection process for the post of head of not being gay actually involved repeated viewings of Phil Hellmuth's big entrance...


Thursday, 24 September 2009

Archeologists Uncover Evidence Of Post Flop Play

Melted Felt today break the poker blogging mould once again - an no we are not thinking Athletes Foot - we are actually bringing you a post from the far future.... 1000 years onwards no less.

Yes, dear Melted Felt readers, it was unvelied today the 24th September 3010, that archeologists working on some 1000 year old sites in the New North Mexico (once known as the 'USA' - pronounced 'You-Ess-Ayy', not 'Oousaar') discovered some very disturbing evidence of a mass existinction of post-flop poker players dated somewhere around 2003 or 2004.

When mapped onto the known mitochonrial groupings it appears that the divergence of Homo Sapiens into serapate species at the poker tables did not lead to equilibrium and harmony as expected... evidence strongly indicates that we saw a complete breakdown in post-flop play starting in 2004 with the sub-species of Homo Handreadience finally dying out by 2006. At this point in the records show a dramatic increase in Homo Pushmonkiens and Homo Shortstackiens in the poker world to the point where the former species either had to move to the Pot-Limit Omaha tables or die out completely.

While the fossils and retreived data samples only allow us to hypothesise about how and why post-flop play so suddenly and dramatically disappears there does seem to be a strong causal link with the introduction of genetic mutations causing people to quote ICM numbers, 5-bet light in multi-table tournaments and spend 14 hours a day grinding 12 tables in order to get a rebate on some of the money they paid poker sites for the honor of getting part of it back.

The dig will now continue into the layer of history known as 'Those good old days on Party when you could make a living grinding playing just 12 minutes a day'. We will of course bring you more news as it is uncovered....


Monday, 21 September 2009

The Charge Of The Donk Brigade

Well well, Dear Melted Felt readers... just as you were expecting the inevitable garlic muncher based gags after Elky's WCOOP we go the other way.

Yes, time for an entry which is almost guaranteed to be completely over the head of 90% of our readers. We just hope that the remaining 10% enjoy our special low stakes tournament adaption of Alfred, Lord Tennyson's 'The Charge Of The Light Brigade'... today we proudly present a modern-day epic, destined to be the homework of schoolchildren in 200 years time, yes, it is...

The Charge Of The Donk Brigade

1.Half a bankroll, half a Bankroll,
Half my Bankroll Buy-in,
All in the valley of Virtual Felt
Sat the six hundred.
"Forward, the Donk Brigade!"
Charge for the Unsuited Ace-6's!" he said:
Into the valley of Felt
Donked the six hundred.

2."Forward, the Donk Brigade!
"Was there a man dismay'd?
Not tho' the poker player knew
Someone had blunder'd:
Theirs not to type chat reply,
Theirs not to reason why,
Theirs but to call and fry:
Into the valley of Felt
Donked the five hundred.

3.Calling Stations to right of them,
Fishes to left of them,
Min-raisers in front of them
Donk Bet and Slowrolle'd;
Tilted at with any 2 suited cards,
Boldly they played and well,
Into the jaws of another suckout,
Into the mouth of tilt
Donked the four hundred.

4.Flash'd all their aces bare,
Flash'd as they hit trips with air,
Limping along with the others there,
Calling as an army, while All the world wonder'd:
Raised with rags into the smoke
Right thro' the kings they broke;
Cannuk and Russian Reel'd from the doomswitch stroke
Shatter'd and sunder'd.
Then they wrote back to their forum buds, but not
Not the three hundred.

5.Calling Stations to right of them,
Fishes to left of them,
Min-raisers in front of them
Donk Bet and Slowrolle'd;
Folded getting six to one,
While fish and semi-pro fell,
They that had fought so well
Came thro' the jaws of Donks
Back from the mouth of suckout hell,
All that was left of them,
Left of two hundred.

6.When can their glory fade?
O the wild charge they made!
All the world wondered.
Honor their sharkscope graphs,
Honor the donk Brigade,
Noble final table.


Wednesday, 16 September 2009

Poker Trackar 3 Release Micro-Stakes Version

Hot news this morning, dear Melted Felt readers, as we review the updates and changes in the latest version of Poker Trackar - a software tool not be be accidentially or inadventantly mixed up with the well known poker database software with a very similar sounding name.

Yes, dear Readers, a special cheap as chips edition aimed at Micro-stakes players has been released for those who prefer the penny antes - and not only does it contain a fully functional back-end and heads-up display... but some extra features specifically aimed at players 25c / 50c at the and under tables - these include:

- For Micro multi-tablers - A 'Beep Beep' alert with flashing icon has been introduced whenever you are dealt two cards which are suited.

- You'll be able to prove that you are good but unlucky with the new, percentage pre-flop figure... which transposes your winning chances with your red aces vs 9-10 pre-flop without bothering to account for the fact that the vast majority of the money went in on the river on a 4-6-7-8-9 board with 4 clubs...

- A heads-up display which gives you statistics on-screen about how often each opponent open limps, limps behind, mini-raises limpers, check-mini-raises flops and mini bets out of position into the entire field on the flop - allowing you to make instant strategic decisions.

- Special database Algorithms which change the red (losses) colum to green, based on what you would have won if you just had average luck.

- An add-on which keeps a specially designed fish-list, this automatically overlays the word 'Retard' in big letters over people who are dumb enough to fold a missed ace-six off suit on the river, deny that the ICM stage of SNG tournaments are actually just 'Bingo' or open fold more than 25% of their starting hands.

Enough reviewing... we are off to buy a copy now!


Monday, 14 September 2009

Kahnawake Release Ultimate Bet Scandal Report

A Year, dear Melted Felt readers, is a long time in poker. Safe in the knowledge that more than 80% of the players who were at the virtual tables when the Ultimate Bet Scandal was news went broke and started a new hobby, the Kahnawake Gaming Association - a completely independent organization which protects the interest of the gambling sites who pay a subscription, no, hang on there, we mean 'A completely independent organization which protects the interests of poker players worldwide' (cough) have released a report!

Anyway, the report itself was somewhat shorter than expected, though the key points were covered in the appendix.

Appendix 1:

1 - Hopefully a year is long enough for the fuckers to have forgotten...

2 - Hahaha, the scandal was going on since 2002, and they did not even notice, call themselves poker experts??!?

3 - Maybe a year is long enough for those people who likened the UB scandal to the rise of Facism in 1930's Germany to have realized that this is a standard and very weak argument that 99% of intelligent people realize is only ever rolled out by people who are extremely bad at debating anything at all based on facts and / or opinions.

4 - We'll mention 'Appropriate Law Enforcement Agencies', that'll make it sound important, and everything.

5 - Russ did it, it was Russ, the management of UB are completely innocent and are nice to small children and fluffy animals, in fact they might even donate large sums to church-based charity, while Russ has webbed fingers and eats babies.

Well, dear Melted Felt readers, it made the news sites, it made the fourms, and it made the odd blog or two... now it is over we can all forget it and return to our previous passtime of debating how shit the Durrrr Challenge turned out to be.


Sunday, 13 September 2009

Hurrah - Partnership Found In Wal-Mart Bargain Bucket

An exclusive involving some of the biggest names in the world of gambling today, dear Melted Felt readers, as we delve deep into the high flying, cigar smoking, cognac drinking world of mega-corporations...

Yes - after hearing the news that Hurrahs (not to mixed up with any large casino operators with similar sounding names you understand ;o) ) chose 889 holdings to develop their online poker offering we immediately despatched the Melted Felt mole - our very own investigative journalist - to find out more

To say his findings were 'unusual' would be an understatement

It all started when Mitch Barber, Party Poker's former head of Hairdressing and now Hurrah's head of 'interweb modern stuff and computation machines' was shopping at his local Wal-Mart in the suburbs of Las Vegas.

Coming across a bargain bucket full of CDs and DVDs Mitch has a good rummage around, he was already feeling quite pleased with himself after discovering 'The Best Of The Shadows' for only 99c, and was contemplating buying the directors cut of 'Ghostbusters' for $2.59c when he came across a business proposal from holdings... reading the back of the box it turned out that he could get a bargain development of poker software which would immediately alienate future players and get them rushing over to Poker stars for just $2.99, and if he sent off the card inside (postage paid!) with his details, he would get a coupon for 2 hours of lobbying of Congress absolutely free...

Being a positive blog we are looking forward to the opportunity to play poker at such prestigeous brands, assuming we can actually find the tables once logged on to the lobby.


Monday, 7 September 2009

Parent's Disappointment As Son Continues College

We bring you an absolute shocker today, dear Melted Felt readers, as we sadly resount the tale of the devastating effect that online poker can have on previously warm and loving family relationship.

Yes, when David Hoff enrolled at Yale his family were overjoyed, when he passed the first year with distinctions they were extastic, and when he continued the A-grades through the next 5 semesters they were in family-pride-heaven.

David then discovered that his even temperament and analytical mind were perfectly suited to online poker. After dabbling in lower level SNGs, MTTs and Limit Games, David settled on No-Limit Holdem as his focus area - buying a subscription to Cardrunners and the latest poker tracking software and playing short and focused sessions, he managed to bring his win rate to 3 PTBBs / 100 playing the 5c / 10c game.

When Patricia and Randy Hoff, Davids parents, caught wind of their son's new hobby they immediately looked up all the information available online. Concluding that David should move up to at least 50c / $1, learn to multi-table and would then be able to earn wayyyy more than he could in any shitty office job, and have the freedom to manage his own time too.

This is where the trouble began, David rejecting their urgings to quit college with just 2 semesters to go and become a small-stakes pro - pointing out that his parents comparisons were based only on his initial earnings and not future possibilities.

We spoke to his mom Pat, who was still very angry that her only son has rejected the only sensible path in life to go down the 9 to 5 route. "After all the love, compassion and hard cash we have given him" She started, "this is our reward", drying a tear from her eye she continuted, "he could have earned $50k in his first year, and then maybe moved up levels - with rakeback that could easily be a $100k per year just from grinding in a darkened room 10 hours a day and being a social recluse with no girlfriend and a vitamin D deficiency"

With David 100% determined to get a degree and lead a balanced and healthy life we really do not see how this dispute can be easily resolved... while David did point out that his sample of 7000 hands at 5c / 10c was far from statistically water-tight his Dad absolutely insists that if David just had áverage luck' he would be crushing the games and could then move up the levels to where people respect his raises.

As a polite and well brought-up poker satire blog, we thought it only right to let the lady of the house have the last word, wiping away more tears Patricia told us, "snffffffm, he could have been, snffffff, so 'balla' in the eyes of all the members of our favorite forum, snffff"


Thursday, 3 September 2009

IMEGA Appeal Court Ruling Vaugely Bad?

In a vaguely sensational Melted Felt exclusive we bring you the low-down on the spin behind the legal-speak in the vaguely worded response the law suit that claimed the UIGEA was clearly too vague to be legal - under the constitution no less.

Yes, dear Melted Felt readers, the outcome disappointed observers, who were sure that the vagueness argument was crystal clear. As it turns out, to be considered too vague, a law must be vague in all states... and after one or two senators from *ahem* more conservative states passed their own laws making anything vaguely pleasurable completely illegal the argument was dead in the water - and so dried up.

With the future of online gambling in the balance we sent the MF Mole to look through the fine details of the reading and find out who is really responsible for the decision making at the end of the day.

3rd Circuit appeals court judges actually passed this decision to the individual states, who in turn passed it to the county and metropolitan area authorities, who passed the decision down to the local level, who left it up to individual church parishes who empowered the family units to make their own decisions... Yes, dear Melted Felt readers, playing poker online may or may not be legal... you are just going to have to wait until your father gets home to find out.


Tuesday, 1 September 2009

Eurolinx Deposit Losses Dwarf World GDP

Sensational is the only world, dear Melted Felt readers, to describe the poker deposits alledgedly stolen from a small poker site that nobody had ever heard of called Eurolinx - if the forum posts are to be believed that is. After finding that the losses alledged on popular forums would total up to more than the GDP of the entire planet we figured something fishy was going on....

While the Melted Felt team are somewhat confused as to how a poker room whose very games are set up so that the players play each other and a rake goes to the house can actually lose money, in the interests of cutting-edge investigative journalism we sent out our very own Melted Felt Mole to find some unfortunate victims of the alledged dodgy goings on.

First a prolific forum poster who went by the name of Ivey1234 was tracked down to his mothers house in downtown Trondheim, Norway. Olaf kicked up a big storm about the $65,000 he had 'stolen' from his Eurolinx account and was keen that everyone knew that he was looking into every legal avenue to get his money back and would not rest until someone paid him back.

We had to wait until Olaf finished up his tasty Whale-blubber soup for supper before his Mom would let us speak to him. While he welcomed the chance to have our investigator look into the possibilities for his $60k, Olaf could not explain how his entire poker history on any of the tracking sites showed a best ever score of 17th in a play-money MTT on Stars... and we were not to worry as he had $500,000,000 on other poker sites so it was only small change anyway.

After this confusing episode we were relieved to be contacted by a Brit who asked to be referred to only as 'Player F' to protect the fact that Frank Booth, of 27 Acacia Drive, London, NW8 telephone 0108 8254 165 age 27 with slightly receding brown hair, a big nose terrible taste in shirts did not want his true identity revealed online.

Frank's tale is a cautionary one, while he 'lost' around $14,000 when Eurolinx went down. The key emotion is embarrassment, after all he went to great lengths to perfect (in as patronising a voice as possible) the line that poker was a game of skill over time and that those who thought he was a gambler just did not understand the true nature of the game. We then spoke to Frank's friends and family who were in the process of pooling all possible spare cash to prevent Frank from coming out of his dark room to bore them too often... one friend raised the ugly spectre of an online poker grinder actually reproducing to ensure funds were donated fast.


Friday, 28 August 2009

Canuk Joy At Boghog Opportunity

Spreading the joy and indifference this Friday, dear Melted Felt readers, as we bring you the sensational news that Canadian poker fans can now join the rest of the world in not really giving much of a sh1t about Boghog Poker.

For years and years, an ancient Inuit laws involving rake from whale-hunts prevented Boghog allowing Canadian players to enter their 1980's themed virtual poker room. Now that these legal obstactles have been removed, the site that was created by a bloke who came from the icy North will now allow those very Canadians who were barred to not really bother to play there, much.

We spoke to Olson McMolson, a Polar-bear farmer from Toronto and avid fan of micro-limit SNGs about the exciting news. "Canadians have always felt a little p1ssed about not being allowed to play there." Olson started, "I mean, it was started by a Canadian after all." Continuing, "We are very happy that we can now join the majority of the poker playing world in not really giving a sh1t about Boghog, happy that we could play there if we wanted - its pretty cool that we can now join our American cousins in shrugging, looking blank and showing the palms of our hands whenever Boghog is mentioned."

The Melted Felt statistics department got onto the case immediately, using the latest in multiple-regression analyses to work out that as many as 9 Candian players could grace the Boghog Poker tables by the end of the week - and that there is a 17.3% probability of at least 1 of them going back twice...


Wednesday, 26 August 2009

South African Athletics Federation Request Dwan Test

In an exclusive of indeterminate gender, dear Melted Felt readers, we bring you a shocking story from the highly charged world of running around in circles. After a recent scandal in which the gender of womens 800 meters champion Caster-oil Semen was questioned for having no tits and a beard... we understand that the Durrrr challenge has been sensationally halted.

Yes, the South African Athletics Federation have filed an imaginary complaint, suggesting that Tom Dwan's real name is Lilly and that by their standards 'he don't look like no real man faw shu'.

It started with extensive research in their athletics lab in which Dwan's running style was analyzed. The slight outward flick of each leg and 'pupeteer' like hand movements certainly looked female to the judges. Next voice technology and hat-testing software confirmed that Dwan was at least an octave above your average male. Finally a photo of Tom was shown to a random sample of men in one of South Africa's largest townships - some 92% of the men questions said they would marry Tom immediately and hoped they would be able to have a large and healthy family together... with a long queue forming at the voting booth by 11am.

In an effort to explain the Dwan camp have issued a short statement saying that the 3 times higher levels of Oestrogen in his blood stream can be easily explained and that Lilly, erm, no, we mean 'Tom' would do just that as soon as he gets back from a trip to the ladies restroom...


Thursday, 20 August 2009

Global Search Continues For Someone Who Understands A Single Word Of Poker $ Siezure Warrant

No stone is being left unturned, dear Melted Felt readers, as the entire world's every nook, cranny and dark, damp corner is being searched - for someone who can actually read the 'unsealed' indictment used to sieze $30 million from innocent online poker operators who are kind to small animals and seniors.

Of course, the fact that nobody can understand a fucking word of it has not stopped just about every poker journalist in the world writing in-depth articles full of big words, legal terminology and earnest-sounding predictions. Alas, Melted Felt begs to differ from the crowd, instead of sending you to sleep by bluffing our way through, we'd like to know what the fuck is going on too...

With many Harvard law-graduates completely baffled by the fact that so many lines had been crossed out with a large green crayola, it seems that articles all over the web have instead focused on the 3 little bits they do understand. Pokerstars, Full Tilt and some guy nobody has ever heard of before from Canada who is probably very, very rich.

So, dear Melted Felt readers - can you help in out global search to find someone with more to say that..."Its soooooo unfaiiiiirrr"?? Will a mere $30 million even been noticed by the cash-cows of PokerTilt and FullStars??? Canada, Is that actually a real country anyway? What is it for? Are Elk poisonous? Why is there no French-Canadian word for 'entrepreneur'?


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