Thursday, 29 January 2009

Doyle's Death Bet Leads Gold To Go One Better!

In an exclusive so sensational it just has to be suited, Melted Felt can today bring you the shocking news that broke poker player Jamie Gold is not going to take Doyle's death bet lying down - and has in fact gone one better!!

For those who missed it, Brunson got a little upset about someone putting him 16th in the celebs most likely to die in 2009 list... after considering sending Amarillo Slim round, Doyle instead offered the publisher 10-1 that he'd be alive at the end of the year - a bet which was accepted with the money going to worthy causes which will be bugger all help to anyone who actually does die in 2009.

Broke Jamie Gold, seeing all of the column inches on this bet, has decided to piggyback on the moment for some much needed publicity of his own. Gold, who famously has not won a single hand of poker since winning the world series, has thus come up with a bet of his own by offering 7.3 to 1 that his leg will fall off by next tuesday.

Anyone deciding to accept this bet would be well advised to keep answer-phone messages which discuss the details, erm, no, wait.


Tuesday, 27 January 2009

ESPN To Work On 'November 9' Whining Levels

Another sensational exclusive from your trusted source of poker news, as we bring you a pledge from ESPN, that the delayed final table for the 2009 WSOP will result in higher whining levels than the 2008 version.

Yes, in a complete failure to meet their key performance indicators there were less than 121,392 complaints and moans on poker forums in the run-up to the 2008 final table that 'nobody even told me it was on'.

We dispatched the Melted Felt Mole to ply an ESPN contact with cheap liquor before interviewing them. "While the 2008 'November 9' was a success on traditional metrics such as the number of viewers", our contact began, "we actually fell a little flat on numbers of small stakes internet poker players in terms of whining on poker forums" continuing "This year we have acknowledged that all those losing $25 NL players who donked off their chips in at least 1 $3 satellite are very important indeed".

Taking a large slug of fire-water our contact outlined how they intended to change this years whining levels. "We'd first like to acknowledge that it is 100% ESPN's responsibility to get the schedule to the very important internet whiners - even though they can not be bothered to tune in, look at our website or even read the forums that they are members of", going on, "we will make every effort to increase the number of small-minded whinging complaints from players who some how think they are so fucking important that information should be transmitted via space-aged microwave brain-implant technology right to their conscious mind without them having to lift a single finger that is undoutedly wrapped tightly around their small...."

Well, thanks for that - we look forward to reading the complaints on forums worldwide....


Sunday, 25 January 2009

Players Celebrate 'Skill Game' Ruling By Trying To Win Bad Beat Jackpot

This week containe good news for fish who play ace-seven off in early position all over America - as a court precident was set in Pensylvania, as a genuine real judge ruled that poker is a game of skill (and unlike certain, judges trying to steal the whole internet in Kentucky, ahem, actually had jurastiction.... )

Melted Felt can exclusively report that all over the world poker players are celebrating this monumental court victory in some style.... not with champaign and caviar, not with dancing in the street, not with passionate nights with significant others... nope, by rushing to partake in a poker-based game of chance.

Yes, as the Carbon Poker bad beat jackpot passes a cool million, skill-gamers from all over the world are flocking to the tables in the hope of being beaten when holding quad 8's or better - and paying an extra 50c in rake for the honor.

Hang on just a second...


PS: The Carbon Poker bad beat jackpot really is over $1 million and we have an exclusive 200% up to $600 first deposit bonus code too... The code you need is SNGPLANET and the link right here - check 'em out now!

- Carbon Poker


Wednesday, 21 January 2009

Beshear Undaunted As Appeals Court Denies Him Ownership Of The Internet

In a monumental opportunity for the completely fucking lame PPA to make another statement pretending they actually did something for online poker player's rights - the court of appeals in Kentucky ruled that Governor Steve Beshear could not have control of the entire internet...

Yes, Melted Felt can exclusively reveal the sensational story today that not only are the Gambling domains safe and well at GoDaddy, but that the power-crazed governor of the turkey-lurkey state does not give a shit.

The reason?

Well, asking the courts to set a precident whereby he would effectively own the internet was just one small fight in the Mr Beshears quest for world domination. He actually has several cases going through the courts right now, in which he has asked for control over a range of different things including Australia, Wheeled-Vehicles, Britney Spears entire back-catalog, breakfast Cerials, Thursday Afternoons and the 3rd finger on everyone living's left hand.

We asked the PPA to explain how, with all the big piles of unmarked cash donated to them in $10 and $20 denominations delivered in plain suitcases, they appear to have done sweet FA to bring about the legislation of online poker - or anything other than make a few innane vaugely worded statements. However the receptionist could not recall which caribbean island they all went to for the latest fully expensed golfing holiday - and said she would get back to us as soon as she had confirmed that online poker was not in fact rigged.


Monday, 19 January 2009

Obama Inauguration Build-Up Inspires Online Poker Pro's 'American Dreams'

An insightful exclusive today as Melted Felt 'Feel The Pulse' of online poker professionals as Barak Obama takes his historic journey to the White House to become the president with the whitest teeth yet.

We look to the history, to forefathers fighting through unimaginably tough conditions to make the US great and to the spirit, ideals and committments of those pioneers who gave so much to so many - and then make funny comparisons with the societal parasites in bedrooms at their parents house who make up the population of wannabe poker pros.

First stop is Andrew in Wyoming, currently grinding the $5 Sit N Go tounaments at Full Tilt for a paltry ROI 12 hours a day. On the eve of Obama's inauguration, we asked Andrew about his future role in making the US great. "I have a dream," he began "It is deeply rooted in the American Dream, I have a dream that one day Sit And Go grinders will not be judged as an inferior group, that the push / fold game will garner as much respect as deep stacked cash game play, amen" standing up to finish (with hand firmly placed on his heart) " I have a dream that SNG grinders and cash game players will join hands as sisters and brothers" - at this point our conversation was cut short as Andrew's Mom yelled that his supper was ready...

Next we spoke to Lance in Michigan, pale and lean, spotty and wheezy, due to his daily routine of playing online poker tournaments from 11am until 4am smoking drugs and pissing into bottles a lot. Citing Lincolns the 13th ammendment Lance outined how he was in fact nothing more than a slave to Derek 'Bed Linnen' Faber, since after a bad run when first being staked for his online play, he was in 'makeup' to some $40,000. Still, Lance did not see this as a problem, in fact in true pioneer spirit his ambition was to turn the tables and have his own stable of enslaved 'horses', of course all he needed was that one big-score first, and a girlfriend would be great -as long as she loved poker.

Finally we spoke to Jim in LA, whose record of 37 accounts on Stars and 41 on Full Tilt required his 'brother', several buddies and a vast technical setup disguising IP addresses to manage. However when we enquired whether what he was doing was part of the American Dream or simply fraud under the name of multi-accounting he simply claimed the
sanctuary of the 5th... oh well.


Sunday, 18 January 2009

Stars Statement: Monkey-Lederer Similarity Purely Coincidental

Melted Felt bring you yet another ficticious scoop this Sunday as we transcribe a completely imaginary statement from none other than Poker Stars' 'head of legal stuff'.

Yes, upon receiving threatening legal letters with jelly smears from an 8 year-old monkey fan with a crayola, Stars legal department went into overdrive to get the statement released... just in the nick of time the world has been assured - that any similarity between the Poker Stars Monkey and Howard Lederer is purely coincidental (Phew!)

Date: 18th Jan 2009 Author: Poker Stars Head Of Legal Stuff
Subject: Howard Lederer - Poker Stars Monkey Accidental Coincidence

Public Statement: As the head of legal stuff at Poker Stars I would like to clarify, indenmify and superflyguy the completely spurious rumors and accusations on the interweb that the Poker Stars Monkey (hereafter referred to as 'The Poker Stars Monkey') bears a striking resemblance to the owner of an un-named but completely shite poker site (hereafter referred to as 'Howard Lederer').

Poker Stars position is that any resemblance between The Poker Stars Monkey and Howard is completely accidental. At no time did we wish to suggest that primates should be mentioned in the same sentance as. Howard Lederer.

Yours Sincerely Mr I.M. Portant (Poker Stars Head of Look Alike Monkeys)


Friday, 16 January 2009

Curse Of Doyle's Room Moves To Cake Network

Rabbits in the vicinity of Cake Poker's Costa Rica HQ were found limping yesterday - Melted Felt can exclusively report - as management learned that cursed poker site Doyle's Room would shortly join their ranks.

Gentleman player and veteran of 300 years on the poker circuit, Brunson remains a feared opponent even today - largely due to the fact that he never fucking folds as long as he has an out or two. After seeing his cursed poker site bring complete ruin first to Tribeca and more recently to the Microgaming network, we thought it was about time to sensationally reveal (after throwing a pinch of salt over our left shoulder) how The Curse of Doyle's Room began.

1963, Doyle wearing extra-think rimmed glasses, a bad (oh so bad) grey suit and sporting a hairstyle which can only be described as OMGWFTLOL... a Texas road game and a hand against Laura Lee McWitch, a gypsy fortune teller and, when she flopped trip queens all was well in the world, when Doyle rivered his backdoor straight anger turned to green fire and an and expletives which are too rude even for a foul-mouthed blog like Melted Felt to report!

Laura Lee cursed Brunson there and then, prophesising that no American poker player would be able to sit in Doyle's room for ever more...

We tried to contact the rabbit-foot wearing Cake Network team to ask their views on The Curse Of Doyle's Room - but unfortunately they were all out desperately looking for 4-leafed clovers, the receptionist did tell us that a delivery of 3 dozen black cats was expected any minute now, only nobody could remember whose path was supposed to cross whose....


Wednesday, 14 January 2009

Poker Stars Lag Blamed On Full Tilt Being Shite

In a shocker of a senstional exclusive, Melted Felt can reveal the findings of our very own Mole - who has been looking into exactly why Poker Stars is lagging all the time at the moment.

- You might have thought this was down to sheer incompetance, after all the 230k average players and pretty tame graphics pales in comparison to World of Warcraft and its ilk - who manage to run their businesses ok.

- You might have thought this was down to mean spirited bosses who would not shell out another few hundred thou for a bunch of servers, or just a bit of capacity in a mega-centre somehow.

- Maybe you believed that the noticable Poker Stars Lag was due to the fact that the management team are currently in the Bahamas, possibly drunk on coctails and probably having extra-marital affairs with other revolting, hairy and fat senior managers...

Well, you are all wrong of course. We have the real answer straight from the made-up Melted Felt mole's completely imaginary investigation.

Yes, the lag at Poker Stars is actually caused by Full Tilt Poker being shite. You see Stars is really struggling to cope with the mass exodus of players who suddenly realize that they are playing at a 4th rate shadow of a site when they could be playing at the number 1... according to our Stars Insider.

The players are apparently leaving the completely rigged Full Tilt in droves to come over to the fairest poker site online - where donks are never rewarded and they agree that you really are a good player (just a little unluckly up till now, or else you'd be a pro), where you'll win money far faster due to the fact that your aces will always hold up 80-odd% of the time.

Our insider contact told us that once all of the rapidly diminishing pool of players had left Full Tilt then the servers should be back to normal... and the play money tables can be switched back on to enable people worldwide to type ZZZZZZZZ while never folding.


Monday, 12 January 2009

Poker Sartire Joy As PCA Winner Has 'Poo' In Name

Monday morning comes around yet again and finds anal-fixated poker satire blogs around the globe overwhelmed with excitement as the winner of the (rigged) Poker Stars Caribbean Adventure turns out to have the word 'Poo' at the start of his name.

Not since Raggy Dikshit handed $300 Million to the Feds in exchange for XXX XXXXX XX XXXXX XXX (censored) has the world of poker satire blogging seen such potential in someones name. In a common-mans-designer-labels-to-riches story Mr Poorya Nazari apparently invested just $700 in a rebuy qualifier in order to reach the PCA. Kind of like a better looking (but just as fat) version of Chris Moneymaker, for middle-class fish with disposable incomes - rather than the kids.

Naturally, Melted Felt will maintain its position on the high moral ground of satirical poker blogging my failing to mention, even once that... oh shit.


Friday, 9 January 2009

Titan Poker Misunderstand Central Concept With New VIP Club

Even using pretty words like 'Fresh Start' and 'Clean Slate', Titan Poker have disillusioned 1000's of players with the introduction of their VIP Club yesterday. In this sensational Melted Felt exclusive that goes to the rotten core of the poker underworld we bring you news of the Titan Poker great VIP points robbery - and give you a sneak preview of what is to come.

By resetting the 'Titan Points' count to zero every single one of their players, Titan Poker are estimated to have saved themselves close to 7 Trillion dollars in freeroll entries and stylish baseball caps. At the same time as telling players about the possibility of becoming a VIP, this iPoker site have gently reminded them that they are actually scum who only exist to pay for the expensive houses and yachts of the owners - and that there is simply fuck all you can do to regain those lost points, so get over it.

We (of course) immediately dispatched the Melted Felt Mole to find out what other nasty surprises Titan may have in store for its so-called-VIP members... here are some obviously made-up highlights:

- Silver Level VIPs: Will have small amounts of cash ranging from $5 to $12 mysteriously removed from their account at random intervals.

- Gold Level VIPs: Accounts will be frozen every time you win more than $100 in a day, activating this will require sending Id (again!) which will be lost in the post at least twice.

- Platinum Level VIPs: Titan will flick a small red switch that will ensure that you never win another fucking hand ever again, you fucking fish.

- Diamond Level VIPs: Checks with your winnings will be hand delivered by specially employed hitmen who will ensure that you (or loved ones if they answer the door) get a bullet in each kneecap...

Well, Titan have shown us that they really know how to look after their loyal players - we look forward to bringing you more ways in which this site will reward your loyalty real soon!


Tuesday, 6 January 2009

Laptop Screens Look Great In Paradise

In a sensationally shocking story from the paradise resort of the Atlantis Casino - Bahamas - Melted Felt bring you news of just how much better a full 16 hour online tournament schedule looks when in one of the worlds top resorts.

Yes, as many of Poker Stars finest online MTT players converge on the carribean island for the PCA - some of them are experiencing the pure unadulterated joy of daily cleaning service, pay as you watch porn on TV and an en-suite bathroom which completely does away with the need to keep a piss-cup under the desk to avoid missing a single hand.

On strict condition of anonymity we spoke to 'Paul' from Boston, who busted out of the main event early after realising he was shit at poker and was determined to make the most of his stay in Paradise. We asked him which of the features of the exotic resort he was enjoying the most...

"Wow man" Paul started, "It is like, amazing, you know? truly paradise here... I have been walking around with no socks on just to feel the luxuary of the carpets between hands" he continued before a hand in the $5 rebuy took his attention for a few minutes "You can, like, call room service whenever you want to bring you food and stuff, I got them here to bring me 17 cans of red-bull before starting my 19 hour daily tournament schedule".

We then asked Paul whether he intended to take advantage of the many attractions which make the Atlantis resort famed around the world. "Sure, I aleady clicked onto the free wireless connection" he replied, "And used the shoe-shine machine twice yesterday - wanna free shower-cap?"

Paul had to go at this point, assuring us that he planned to at least have a look at that tube-through-a-shark-tank thingy, luckily the likes of Cardplayer were providing plently of live updates via the internet... which did away with the need to actually leave his room for the time being.


Monday, 5 January 2009

Tom Dwan Challenges Poker World - To Have Bigger Balls

Happy new year from Melted Felt! To see in 2009 with a bang we can today bring you the year's first shockingly sensational poker exclusive - concerning the balls of Tom 'Durrrr' Dwan.

Yes, Tom - fed up with being known as 'the minnow' and having the ladies wiggle their little fingers at each other and wink knowingly - has issued a challenge to the poker world... have bigger balls than me and I'll give you $1 million in cash!!

Heads-up with $200 / $400 or higher blinds the challenge is to survive 50,000 hands of either no-limit holdem or pot-limit omaha. After this both players testicles will be measured by an independantly appointed (and not financially involved) 'chief testicle measurer', with a choice of metric or imperial measurement freely available to the challenger. At this point the player with the biggest balls will win the pot - $1 million from Dwan and $500k from the challenger.

We note that Phil 'OMGClayAitken' Galfond has specifically been excluded from this challenge, possibly due to the fact that his gonads are the size of duck-eggs.

Stay tuned to Melted Felt - where we'll bring you'll hear made-up news about the acceptance of Tom Dwans challenge second!


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