Wednesday, 12 May 2010

Cereus Network Security - Major Enhancement Announced

So hot off of the press that Melted Felt slighly scalded it's fingers yesterday, we bring you some welcome news concerning the poker network desperately trying to pretend that it is now 100% secure and honest - Cereus Poker.

Yes, the latest technological advances have come together with toilet-humor to bring you the device which will put and end to super-users, multi-accounters and Russ Hamilton once and for all. We are talking about nothing less than the (patented) chocolate-starfish recognition device!

Here is how it works...

Every time you wish to log on to the Cereus Network, simply slip the slimline cushion onto your chair before you sit down and plug into your USB port. When you get to the logon screen and enter your password you'll see the big "Scan My Starfish Now" button. Pressing this will take an instantaneous anal-scan from several different angles, and your tradesman's entrance will be compared with a stored copy of your p00-hole's unique strucure (while cheezy computer graphics and dance beats appear, just like on CSI), thus ensuring that the one-account per player rules can be effectively policed.

Cereus think that their new anu-scan (TM) technology will make playing poker on their dodgy site a safe and pleasurable experience for the entire family...


PS: Yeah, long term readers will have spotted that this was an older idea brought back to the top... funny how history repeats itself at certain *ahem* poker sites, eh?


Littleacornman said...

Top drawer post as usual.I'm off to polish my rusty sheriffs badge to be ready for the new checks..

Akhil said...

"anu-scan"...ROFL, another nice one Mark :D

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