Wednesday, 25 February 2009

Phil Hellmuth Fight Challenge - Exclusive

A story so exclusive that we had to super-cool short metal rods and get the entire Melted Felt staff to lick them, sticking their tounges fast - to prevent leaks, yesterday (enough of that now - Ed).

Yes, dear readers today we give you some fighting talk... hot on the heals of the boxing match arranged by mr-potatoe-head look-alike Gus Hansen we can reveal that one star who does not like to be outdone arranging a bigger and better boxing match - to show who is the real-deal when it comes to poker players who pack a punch.

Las Vegas awaits, the bright lights and dramatic entrances to 'eye of the tiger' and 'the final countdown' are being coreographed, lengthy press releases and TV contracts are being organised and signed, and (unbelieveably really) bets are being taken.

Yes, Phil Hellmuth jr has sensationally announced that he is to fight with a wet paper bag - with no protective headgear (though Phil will wear one of those head-protectors himself).

Both round-by-round and result-only betting are currently showing the damp bag as a slight favorite, however we understand that Hellmuth's training regime involving ripping (2-ply) tissues and crushing grapes with his bare hands might soon tip the odds in his favor, or something.


Wednesday, 18 February 2009

Poker Stars RNG Fairness Aided By Cosmic Background Radiation

In an item so exclusive we had to momentarily distract the entire MF staff by pointing upwards and saying 'See That??' to prevent leaks - we bring you some poker news the size of the universe itself, yesterday. Yes dear readers, after numerous complaints that Poker Stars was Rigged, new technology has been introduced which taps into the cosmos to ensure a fair deal.

For readers who missed it the Cosmic Background Radiation is the hissy noise left over from terrestrial TV stations when they used to shut down at 1am in the 1980's, which was caused by the 'big-bang' - an explosion for which no less that 317 jihadist groups have subsequently claimed responsibility.

By taking some radiation and mixing it with some other random stuff on big computers, Poker Stars hope that the days when every losing player claims that they are rigged will soon be over... click the for a larger pic to see what we mean.


Monday, 16 February 2009

FBI Analysis Of Russ Hamilton Revelations

Another exclusive so sensational we had to inject the pet ferrets of the entire MF staff with genetically modified nano-viruses (for which we held the only antidote) to prevent leaks, yesterday.

After serious analysis, stopping and starting, looking for subtle clues from non-verbal behavior and using a high-speed super-computer to count the number of twitches, ticks and flinches... the FBI have released their conclusion about the latest Russ Hamilton video.

What the militants following the UB scandal will be disapointed with is that no mention of superusers, poker being rigged or fraud was mentioned at all in the report from the feds, in fact it was only 1 word long... fortunately we got hold of an exclusive copy.

Classification: Secretish: Not For Distribution to Commies, Taleban or Hippies.
Scope Of Report: Viewing Of Russ Hamilton Video To See If There Are Any Grounds For Bursting Into His House Shouting "FEDS!!" And Waving Guns Around A Lot.
Initial Assessment: Cock
Peer Review / 2nd Opinion: Cock
Conclusion: Complete Cock


Thursday, 12 February 2009

Scandal As Carbon Poker Proves Rigged Against Losing

** Update End April 2011 - This page was originally a satire piece, joking about the fact that nobody could seem to win the Bad Beat Jackpot! Carbon Poker / Merge Network has been hosting real money poker for many years with no scandals or allegations at all... They are still welcoming US Players, and with my coupon code PBKLUB you can grab a 200% matched bonus + free $11 SNG token while you check out the great software and games there...Click This Link Now To Check Out The US-Friendly Carbon Poker For Yourself!!

Prepare yourselves today dear readers, as we bring you poker news so exclusive that we had to shoot the whole MF team in the kneecaps then put duct tape over their navels to prevent leaks. Yes, Merge Network site Carbon Poker have been highlighting their ever growing bad-beat jackpot for some time now... with the total at a hefty $1.2 million - and growing.

However, some suspicions have been aroused, some players are getting a little fed up, and some others are just donking off their money with any 2-suited. It would appear that Carbon Poker is believed to be rigged - against losing!

We spoke to some veterans who have been tracking hands on Carbon for some time. Aces pre-flop apparently hold up just over 80% of the time when all-in against a lower pair and 76% against a suited connector. In fact over a 263 hand sample, these results showed conclusively that those aces held 1.072% more than they were supposed to - PROVING that Carbon were rigging games in favor of good hands.

Just to make sure we followed the fate of a couple of players known to think ace-rag was a good hand in mid-position at a full table with a small raise ahead. Just 2 weeks later they had busted out - providing yet more proof, as if more proof was needed, that Carbon Poker is rigged against people winning the bad-beat jackpot by not rewarding the donks for bad play.

You have been warned!


Tuesday, 10 February 2009

Poker Stars Accounts Hacked

In an amazing tale of high-tech cyber-crime, the uncaring attitude of the 'big boys' and some fucking naive idiots - we bring you a sensational story so exclusive that we had to take the entire families of the Melted Felt team hostage to prevent leaks.

Yes dear readers, it seems that a number of individuals have had their Poker Stars accounts hacked and all of the money that they kept there for deliberately buying in for $1000's on a $1 / $2 fixed limit table to 'impress' their opponents has been stolen.

Not only this but the 'powers that be' at rigged online poker site Stars have shirked their obvious responsibility by not immediately returning the stolen money, thus enabling chip-dumping colluders to repeatedly make the same claim.

We sent the Melted Felt mole to investigate... and he came up with a common theme very fast indeed. It turned out all of the 'hacked' players had downloaded a program from a torrent site in Russia named 'get-aces-every-hand-see-opponents-hole-cards-win-always-at-poker-stars-download-now-get-very-rich.exe'. This program had a small jpeg picture next to it on the screen which said the (only slightly mis-spelt) 'Trustid And Safe'.

After following the download instructions which involved giving the new program access through both firewall and anti-virus programs, the recipients found it did not actually work as advertised and forgot all about it.

When their Stars Accounts were empty the next day the reaction was one of fury....

"This is a great example of corporate bullying" said one victim from his bedroom in his Dad's mansion, "what safeguards are in place to protect innocent poker players from this complete lack of protection from Stars?" continuing, "we demand an immediate explanation from Poker Stars as to how they are protecting their players from incidents like this in the future....", finishing, "luckily I have found a complete Full Tilt cheats program on a server in Antigua and will be switching to that site very soon".


Sunday, 8 February 2009

PPA Decide To Spend Nothing On Latest Initiative

How exclusive can one blog get? Today Melted Felt brings you sensational news of the latest initiative of the Poker Players Alliance - that organization whose have repeatedly proven that they are a force to be recconed with in the fight to legalize online poker (erm, hang on a moment there, well, ummmm - hehe).

Yes dear readers, this initiative involves getting all poker players who are capable of writing to send a letter to President Obama requesting that regulation, taxation and the prevention of bad-beats comes to the very top of the agenda - at the expense of prevention of fatal childhood diseases, the war on terror and avoiding the recession which are just like, well boring.

Now, the PPA are more than aware that a large percentage of their client group are actually unable to write - codenamed 'the 'its sooted' players, this group can now also be politically involved... just print off the draft letter below and pop it in an envelope marked 'The President, White House, Washington DC' and the US mail will do the rest.


PS: Ok then, here is a link to the PPA so you can partipate for real - PPA Website

Friday, 6 February 2009

Jamie Gold Broke Rumors Quashed

A Friday exclusive so shocking that we had to wrap the whole Melted Felt staff in cling-film since Wednesday to prevent leaks. Today we can reveal the latest in the poker fight-back by one Jamie Gold, winner of the 2006 WSOP main event, all round nice-guy and luckbox calling station.

Yes dear readers, Jamie Gold has completely quashed rumors that he is in financial difficulty by signing an exclusive contract with a poker site which only runs games at $1 / $2 and lower.

Mr G will play online at Aced Poker's tournaments, where all seven of their players are looking forward to the celebrity presence.

What is more, to finally and completely dispel the persistant rumors flying around that he is broke, Jamie Gold will only play in the very biggest buy-in events at Aced - yes dear readers, we are talking about the $100 guaranteed $6.50 buy-in 'Mega-Sunday' and the eye-wateringly huge monthly $10 (+$1) 'High Rollers Smackdown'.

Well, as long as someone lends him the buy-in that is.


Thursday, 5 February 2009

Barney Frank Continues Headbanging

Politics, high finance and murder today in our daily sensational exclusive, only without the murder part.

Yes dear MF reader - we bring you more hope, more optimism and more of Barney Frank banging his head against a brick wall than ever before... as round 11 begins in the ongoing battle to repeal the UIGEA.

Frank, who famously had a monkeys testicle transplanted into the end of his nose, has been banging his head against the former administrations brick walls for some time now. Fighting for the freedom of Americans to suck out on the river in low limit cash games online. While at the same time pointing out that it is impossible for banks to control this themselves, since they are too busy creatively spending taxpayers money on executive perks.

The latest bill goes to the very heart of the issue, alledging that banning stuff is 'bad', and pointing out that banning stuff in the 1930's did not really work as supporting evidence. What is more Barney Frank will point out that the bad ban was brought in by Bush - who is on the 'other side' compared to the Obama legislation, making it even worse.

Confident that this year will see the UIGEA repealed, we called the Frank office to ask whether we could speak to the man himself and get an exclusive quote. Unfortunatey he was too busy banging his head repeatedly against his office wall to comment - other than to mention that the upside of this head banging behavior is that it is really nice when it stops.


Tuesday, 3 February 2009

Poker Stars Add Logo Piss-Pot To FPPs Online Store

In an exclusive so sensational that we had to cut the tounges of the entire MF staff clean out of their heads to prevent leaks, we bring you made-up news of the latest fantastic addition to the Poker Stars FPP store.

Yes dear readers, for so long tournament players have had to put up with the hassle of actually missing a couple of hands while they went to relieve themselves. Missing opportunities to 5-bet light giving your opponent almost 7/1 on the call and then typing profanities in the chatbox when they turned up with a hand that could beat your AJ sooted was enough to frustrate even the most talented (but currently on a downswing) online poker tournament pro.

Now, for just 5678 Poker Stars frequent player points the answer to your problems is here - with the Poker Stars Patented Piss-Pot. You can now simply flop it out right under your desk for instant relief without having to move your stoned overweight ass off of the chair. Made from 100% Chinese plastic the pot is easy to empty, easy to clean and easy to knock over when you get dealt aces at the final table and leap out of your chair for joy.

But that - as they say in sales - is not all.... For only 11666 FPPs you can get a special limited edition version of the Poker Stars Patented Piss-Pot - with a picture of and open mouthed Daniel Negreanu on the lid... syphoning the python has never been this much fun!


Sunday, 1 February 2009

Google To Become Honest About Poker Websites

In a sensational and shocking exclusive this weekend, Melted Felt are about to reveal the low-down on a change by Google which will change the way you experience the internet - forever!

Yes, this weekends 'accident' in which all 700 trillion sites which the big G indexes were given a warning that they 'may harm your computer' was no glitch. No dear Melted Felt reader - this was part of a huge master plan by Google to own the entire world have have Bill Gates clean their toilet. No, hang on, sorry, went off track there a little... what we meant to say was:

Google plan on implementing a brand new system of warnings for 2009 which will actually tell you the truth about poker websites before you click. Our very own Melted Felt mole slept its way to the information required to bring you some examples:

- Google Depression Warning: This poker blog contains so many fucking bad beat stories that we recommend you just slit your wrists now rather than click this link.

- Google Historical Interest Warning: Dated poker strategy from C2002, click this link only if the horribly outdated opinion of someone who won a bracelet in a minor WSOP event in 1947 is what you are after, but expect to get crushed online if you follow any advice given.

- Google Wannabe Cardrunners Warning: Badly coded training site offering videos by some kid who ran well in $2 / $4 No-Limit for a few months and his 'cool' forum mates. Expect egos, suckouts and very little education value.

- Google Pack Of Dogs Forum Warning: Do not post on this forum, do not ask for advice until you know every acronym, the coolest language and the entire history of most internet pros past and present. Instead of asking for advice on the 3+3 forum we recommend the less painful alternative of covering yourself in bacon and burgling your local stray dog compound.

- Google Sharkscope Comparison Warning: Do not click on this link and express an opinion unless your sharkscope / poker DB / etc graph is bigger than that of those you intend contradict. Doing so on P7's will immediately result in homophobic comments and mass quotations of quotations with the word 'this' included.


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