Friday, 27 March 2009

Poker Stars Cancel Sunday Million To Make Room For More Satellites

In a shocking Friday exclusive from the corridoors of poker-power, Melted Felt brings you the scoop on the latest move by leading rigged poker site Poker Stars - to cancel the Sunday Million!

Yes, dear readers, the concern among those in the know is that this could set a dangerous precident - one which could see the WCOOP, SCOOP and even the Turbo Takedown also cancelled... to make way for more satellites.

It all started with the evil accountant who runs Stars, who worked it out with a pencil that Stars actually make more money from Satellite qualifiers to these events than from the events themselves. After exhausting the variations and number of satellites available including hyper turbos, turbo rebuys, shootouts, freezeouts, hangouts, shouts and outs - the profit margins were still not quite up to scratch.

After some statistical analysis it turned out that very few people were actually playing satellite qualifiers when the Sunday Million itself was running - reducing the $$$s in the bank.

So from April 2009 Stars will be cancelling all of their major tournaments in favor of an improved and increased satellite schedule, we asked a spokesperson from Poker Stars to comment on this momentus decision to cancel their flagship tournament the Sunday Million, in a verbal statement they would confirm only that, yes, Full Tilt is actually completely sh1te.


Wednesday, 25 March 2009

Doyle Brunson Will Go To Any Length To Prove He Has Nothing To Prove

Doyle Brunson, back from appearing to be dead on the recent episode of high stakes poker has nothing to prove, Melted Felt can exclusively reveal yesterday.

In fact the grand-meister of poker, who was busy raising pots when you were in diapers, is so sure that he has nothing to prove that he is willing to prove it - by playing against anyone who disagrees with the fact that he is so self-assured in the knowledge that he has nothing to prove that he does not need to prove anything to anyone.

Proving that you have nothing to prove is not as easy as it sounds, especially when leading beard-wearer David Sklanksky (who also has nothing whatsoever to prove) chips in with some critisism that the game selection Doyle chose to prove that he had nothing to prove with was not really good enough to prove anything, least of all disproving those who challenged his claim to having nothing to prove.

Quickly reacting to this, poker legend Brunson has agreed to adjust his mix of games into a sequence which is more suitable for those players who truly believe that they have nothing to prove - and can prove it. Proof, as if any were needed, that it is easier to prove something that can not be disproven than it is to disprove the proof.

With the honor of provers satisfied the offer is open to all those pesky internet wizz-kids, that Doyle has nothing to prove, and is willing to prove it anytime.

We think that this proves the old proof that the proof of the pudding is in the proving - and we are willing to prove it.


Monday, 23 March 2009

German Women's Group Anger After EPT Winner Sandra Naujoks 'Sells Out'

News today of a scandal brewing in the politico-poker euro heartland of Germany, where the winner of the EPT Dortmund and Poker Stars pro - Sandra Naujoks - is in hot water. In a culture which prides itself on equality, innovative engineering and bottling the late stages of major international football competitions, Sandra's use of the razor-blade has lead to the cry of 'foul' from German womens groups.

The problem started when Sandra decided to shave her beard for the publicity shots for rigged poker site Poker stars. This angered the German feminists, who are proud of the fact that German women are fully bearded and believe that those ladies who shave their faces are in fact slaves of the male dominated chauvenist establishment - using the logo 'bearded and beautiful' to describe their fat-assed, lederhosen wearing membership.

t the time of going to press (well, ok, hitting the 'publish' button) it was unclear whether Sandra had also shaved her hairy chest.


Friday, 20 March 2009

Australian Government To Ban Online Poker?

Topping off a bad week for global proponents of freedom, individual choice and the fundamental right to play ace-six off suit from out of position in a multi-way raised pot - the Australian government have decided to ban a large list of online poker sites as part of a net censorship initiative, Melted Felt can exclusively reveal.

Known as the 'Citizens United National Trustees', the group responsible - lead by senator Stephen Conroy - think that getting ISPs to block a list of 'bad' websites will go a long way to protecting innocent sheep throughout the country.

"With more sheep than people, Austraila has a lot to protect", a government spokesman told us yesterday, before continuing, "imagine a young lamb inadvertantly wandering into an internet cafe, ordering a medium latte and logging on only to be faced with the evil that is online poker - there is potential to lose the entire flock's winter feed and supply of that extra-strong sheep-dip which kills off those pesky ticks" finishing, "we feel it is the duty of the Australian government to protect every sheep in our society, regardless of social status, education and physical condition"

At this point the national anthem started - meaning every Australian had to find the nearest television and tune into todays eposide of 'Neighbors'. We patiently waited for 35 minutes to see if we could get the 'word on the street' concerning the online poker ban, only to find out there was nobody left under 40... seems every last one of them is now working behind a bar somewhere in London....


Thursday, 19 March 2009

Bad Beats Stories Record Set

A different kind of exclusive to bring our dear readers today at Melted Felt as we step away from the heady world of poker professionals into the more mundane sphere of the everyday grinder.

Today will do down in history thanks to an unassuming junior accountant from Maine by the name of Eric.

Yes, when Eric logged on to his favorite forum to post a hand from a 50c / $1 cash game entitled 'What Should I Have Done Differently?' he was fully aware that he played it fine. Like so many players all over the world, this was a thinly disguised bad-beat story.

What Eric, and millions of low-limit poker players did not realize, is that this seemingly inconsequential story tipped the balance to a new world record... that there are now not only more bad-beat stories in the world than people, but Eric's contribution means that there are more whining cry-baby beats on the internet than the combined number of people alive and the total of those who have ever lived.

We asked a leading psychologist to explain the huge popularity of proving to fellow low limit donkeys that you are really good but unlucky... "Hmmmm", he started, stroking his beard and playing pocket billiards, "Can't blame you for fancying your own Mother really, what with those lovely tits and all".


Wednesday, 18 March 2009

UB Deny Hellmuth-Phobia Killing 10c WSOP Qualifiers

It is not often in the world of Poker that you can not even give stuff away - but today we bring you a sizzling exclusive of just that. Yes dear Melted Felt readers we can exclusively reveal that Ultimate Bet are denying that the very thought of having to walk into the Rio for the World Series main event with Phil Hellmuth is stopping people from entering the 10c Step qualifiers recently introduced there.

"You'd have thought the chance to win a $12,000 package including airfare, main event entry, complimentary whore and hotel would attract at least some interest" a UB superuser, er, sorry we meant UB insider, told us yesterday "10 f-ing cents to join and not a single bite so far can only be caused by one thing... Hellmuth-o-Phobia - the fear of being associated with Phil" he continued, while transfering large amounts of cash between accounts, "I mean, we even threw in an $8k Aruba seat to the deal - but the potential embarassment factor is just so great that nobody wants to play".


Monday, 16 March 2009

Durrrr Challenge To Resume, Maybe, One Day

In another shocking exclusive that goes to the rotten heart of a bag full of rotten cores, Melted Felt can today bring you news that the Tom Dwan Durrrr Challenge is to resume, one day, maybe, well it could do at least.

With fanfare, press releases and special pages on the Full Tilt website, the kick of of the first Durrrr challenge - featuring Tom Dwan vs Patrik Antonius - got off to a flying start late last month. With 4 tables of Pot-Limit Omaha the high-profile poker pros were able to play a total of 17 hands, during which time Dwan was $140k up.

At that point Durrrr had an urgent appointment with his milliner and was unable to resume, every day since then Dwan has managed to come up with a poor excuse to keep the fearless Finn waiting for a resumption in the challenge. Between 'an upset tummy', and ' feeling down 'coz I lost a pot against Gus f$cking Hansen' there have been numerous trips to have his eyebrows re-plucked.

We sent the Melted Felt mole deep into the Dwan camp to find out the inside story on when the rather lame challenge would be continuing... we were confidently told 'Tomorrow' before being smugly informed that "tomorrow never comes - ha"... after expressing a strong desire to punch Dwan repeatedly in the face until he stopped looking like a c0cky little f#cking girl the Mole was removed by security - to the back of a very long queue of people who felt the same way.


Wednesday, 11 March 2009

Credit Crunch Hits Poker World As Matusow Auctions Lucky Underpants

In the wake of the shocking ebay auction of a fake-WSOP 2008 bracelet, Melted Felt can today exclusively reveal the true extent of the current ecomonic crisis on the poker world... as Mike 'The Mouth' Matusow's lucky underpants go under the hammer with no reserve!

These very underpants which helped Mike to his WSOP bracelet wins are expected to reach more than $20,000 as anonymous bidders clamour for a piece of poker history.

Matusow himself credits the pants with winning his first WSOP bracelet - in the Omaha Hi-Lo event. Fortunately this was a 3-day even rather than 5 - meaning that they were only worn forwards, backwards and inside-out-forwards during those 3 days.

Freshly laundered, yet elegantly stained - Mistress Raven, the well known Vegas dominatrix who is selling the lucky y-fronts would not disclose exactly how they can to be in her possession yesterday.


Monday, 9 March 2009

Full Tilt Launch Academy To Educate Players On Good Avatar Choices

In an exclusive news item this morning we bring you a welcome development from the world of learning stuff. Yes dear MF reader - Full Tilt Poker have launched a new 'Academy' which is focused on that most difficult of online poker decisions, which cartoon avatar to display at the Full Tilt tables.

In video format and hosted by top pros the training offered will go from the basics - for example what choosing the Panda avatar says about your sexual orientation - through to the advanced, including a special with Jesus Ferguson on whether the vampire is +ev in short handed fixed limit draw poker games.

For those new to Full Tilt Poker there will be a special review of tells which come from the avatars available. This will include some amazing statistics - including the fact that more than 95% of players who choose the shark are actually fish, and that 78% of those who choose the blonde with big tits are actually spotty teenage boys with small cocks.

Changing expressions to manipulate your opponents calling ranges is in the advanced section of the Full Tilt Poker Academy. This covers the basics of making the Monkey look confused when you hold the nuts, or making that small dog look angry in order to lower your opponent's 3-betting range for the next 12 hands.

We asked Poker Stars to comment on whether they would launch a rival academy in the near future, to which they responded that Full Tilt poker was very shit indeed, or something.


Saturday, 7 March 2009

Poker Stars To Host Online Spite Railing World Championship

In an item so exclusive we had to put the entire Melted Felt staff into a circular room and tell them to piss in the corner to prevent leaks, some shocking news today on the latest online championship to be held at alledgedly rigged poker site Poker Stars.

Yes, next week will see the inaugural world championship of online spite railing, where skinny little fucks nationwide get a chance to become KEYBOARD HARDMEN in the name of winning a big prize.

Here is how it will work:

At some point mid-way through a multi-table tournament each contestant will bust out after starting with the best hand, losing on the river when their opponent catches one of 8 or less outs.

This will mark the start of an opportunity to make futile comments in the observer chat for a long time afterwards - the 'Spite Railing' will be marked by a team of experts with points awarded for, persistance. tapping the fishtank and the all important element of classlessness.

Extra 'Spite Railing Points' will be awarded for:

- Persistance beyond the call of duty, especially following your donk to a new table.


- Quoting statistics that prove you are a better player than the guy who beat you, especially the classic 'my sharkscope graph is better than your sharkscope graph'

- Threatening someone 3000 miles away with physical violence

- Lecturing people on poker strategy concepts that you obviously don't understand, 10 points here for 'how can you re-raise all in with just a draw?' and 5 for 'Nice catch' after someone gives the whole table 5 free cards to beat their aces.

- Challenging someone to a heads-up match (extra if it is for 'rollz')

- Saying NH or WP every time anyone else at the table wins against your 'enemy'

Of course, the winner of the world spite-railing championship will combine the above with that certain element of 'mid-IQ blues' and hint of desperation which only a true sad-case could manage.

Think you could be this years championship spite-railer?
Know of a great spite-railing story??
Then let us know!


Thursday, 5 March 2009

HSP Season 5 Leaves Doubt As To Status Of Brunson Death Bet

An exclusive from beyond the grave here on Melted Felt, as we bring you made up news of a premature calling in of moneys owed from the Doyle Brunson death bet that caused all the controversy last year.

Mack Rawden, who named Doyle in his list of 100 celebrities most likely to die, actually filed a claim for his $10,000 payout after watching high-stakes poker season 5 and seeing no signs of life whatsoever in the veteran poker player.

A spokesman for the Brunson camp immediately denied that the person seen on the screen was in fact a waxwork dummy of Brunson which played 'Doylism' quotes at random intervals and was programmed to fold cards - instisting that the real Doyle, currently 104 years old, was at the tables.


Tuesday, 3 March 2009

National Gambling Awareness Week Launched

Melted Felt is today pleased to participate in the publicity for National Problem Gambling Awaress Week 2009 which runs through to the 7th of March. This will try and educate stupid people about odds and probability in various forms of gambling. It will also look them squarely in the eyes and tell them that - even if they did win a multi-million prize on their state's lotto - they would still be a classless little fuck.

Milly Tant, an overweight, pug-ugly do-gooder with a degree in Gender-Studies explained that, with a little support from hardline religious groups, they would make life miserable as hell for a winning poker player who enjoys a balanced lifestyle, at the same time as ignoring those poor people who would rather play lotto with their last few dollars than buy medicine for their sick children.

But that, as they say, is not all!

This year youtube videos are being used as a way to get extra pulicity (yeah, yeah, only 5 years behind the curve!). Titles that the Melted Felt Mole has already watched include:

- Problem Gambling: Overplaying Ace-Ace-x-x in Pot-Limit-Omaha

- Problem Gambling: Spotting And Dealing With The Symptoms Of 'Scratch Card Players Wrist'

- Problem Gambling: Why The Lotto Is A Tax On The Stupid

- Problem Gambling: The Link Between Online Bingo And Cruelty To Cute Furry Animals

- Problem Gambling: Why Putting A Quarter In A Slot Will See You Burn In Hell For All Eternity


PS: Of course problem gambling is for real too... they are at the top of the search results on this Google page for anyone who really has a problem:

Monday, 2 March 2009

Pope Benedict XVI Accepts Durrrr Challenge

Shocking news to start the month dear Readers, as we bring you an exclusive so hot that you could toast your marshmellows on it. Yes, Pope Benedict XVI has accepted Tom Dwan's Durrrr Challenge.

Benny-Boy (as he is known to his best mates) apparently learned of the challenge in one of his weekly MSN chats with God, who - feeling rather chuffed with himself for inventing Pot-Limit Omaha - insisted that Dwan would be no match for 'Team Holy Trinty' and the million bucks won could be spent ensuring that starving children in Africa did not wear condoms.

Dwan himself is yet to comment on the latest acceptance of his challenge - however sources close to the man himself have suggested that Divine Intervention alone is not enough to worry him. Of course, miracle turn-cards will be a regular part of the match, but Dwan is expected to stick with 4-card combinations which benefit from the ability to redraw on the river.

We were going to ask the question of whether Dwan's soul would be considered good collateral to ensure the win... however, having seen numerous video interviews with Durrrr we are not actually sure that he has one...


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