Wednesday, 29 April 2009

Sunday Times Rich List Shows Poker's Real Winners

An exclusive wallowing glooorioous mud today, as we bring you news of the Annual Sunday Times Rich list... a rating of the world's richest people produced by the UK's gigantic best selling Sunday newspaper. This year saw several people from the internet poker and gambling business hit such dizzy heights that your 5PTBB / 100 at 50c / $1 NL holdem just may not seem so impressive any more.

In the spirit of public service which Melted Felt readers have become accustomed (What the f are you going on about now? - ed) we also provide some comparisons with the income of many online pros....

Top of the Poker Rich are the founders of Party Poker, husband and wife team Ruth Parasol and Russ De Leon who are worth something around $1000 Million. While the Melted Felt mole has suggested removing their fingers with blunt gardening tools we prefer the comparison with those college students who are considering becoming $3000 / month SNG grinders for a living. Ragga Dikshit is also in the list, even after giving away all those millions to the US government in return for absolutely fvck all.

At a mere $600ish Million the internet rich-list's 6th spot goes to another Husband and Wife team, this time Peter and Denise Coates - the owners of bet 365. The mole suggests pouring hot stuff into their eyes, just like on Slumdog Millionaire. We prefer the simple comparison with your $200 monthly rakeback that you are probably looking forward to receiving right now.

Betfair finished up the poker execs in the top 20, with no fewer than 3 people worth $250 millionish each. Hey, the mole knows as well as you do that their dicks are tiny - but lets reflect on the $4000 you'll receive for your boring as fvck office job this month for a moment, and compare it to the luxuary lifestyles of those who own the poker real estate.


Tuesday, 28 April 2009

WHO Reassure Poker Community Over Swine Flu

In an unprecedented step the World Health Organisation (WHO) yesterday too steps to reassure the poker community that the Swine Flu pandemic was unlikely to affect any guaranteed prize pools in the online Sunday Majors.

The powerful mutant flu-virus, which has the potential to kill 98% of the world's population by next Thursday, could easily result in the Sunday Million $1.5 million guarantee reduced to a $1.25 million as the viscious N1H1 strain seems to particularly target young adults in their online poker prime.

However, the spokesman suggested that online poker players are actually a lot safer than the general population and should not worry about this deadly disease. The key reason being that the mode of transmission is human-to-human, and, well, lets face it, when was the last time most online poker pro's saw another human... let alone had any physical contact with one?

WHO officials cleverly used the opportunity to educate online poker players on the heath risks associated with their trade, including a long list of viruses and bacteria which thrive in half eaten take-away pizza slices and mostly empty Red Bull cans used as ash-trays. Tournament players being particularly at risk if they do not regularly steralize their piss-pots.

Luckily Poker Stars have jumped to the rescue - offering a Swine Flu cure for only 16500 FPPs for those of Gold Star Status and above.


Sunday, 26 April 2009

Elky In Bid To Beat French Hygene World Record, And Play A Few SNGs

Mange Tout Mange Tout dear Melted Felt readers, are you ready for an exclusive so exclusive - that you'll wonder where you left your garlic press? Yes, we can reveal today that the EPT Monte Carlo will feature an attempt by Poker Stars Pro Bertrand 'Elky' Grospellier to beat the French world record for taking showers during 1 week... and play a few hundred $6.50 SNGs too...

The French national showering record is going to be a tough one to crack, and is currently in the hands of one Djack Djon-Mustard who managed to set the current record of 1 shower / week in 1963. That day Djack shat himself, slipped on a puddle of putrid fish-oil into a vat of fremeted pig-sh1t and was pelted with rotten-eggs on his way home... forcing him to take out the operations manual for the shower he had installed some years earlier.

Elky's attempt to beat this record will set a lot of enquiring minds in the Garlic munching community... the question of what actually happens when French person showers twice in a week rating alongside questions over Atlantis, Area 51 and the location of the Pyramids...

Poker Stars have effectively turned this into a finely tuned publicity stunt, with Elky due to try and play as many $6.50 SNGs as possible in the hour directly before the showering record attempt... points will be scored depending on how many times he shouts "Merd, how 'zee foke could 'e call with 'zat joonk" while playing.

Well, Good luck with the showering Elky... we really do suggest rethinking the SNGs part though.

MF - Campaigning for cleaner French people since 1963.

Friday, 24 April 2009

PPA To Blow Another $3 Million Of Your Money

Stepping - once again - away from the virtual poker news and into the marbled corridoors of power today, to bring you the sensational news that an organization which will not need to exist when online poker is regulated are asking for some more cash... to help them cease to exist.

Yes the hithertoo completely ineffective Poker Players Alligator (PPA), not to be mixed up with the poker lobbying organisation with a similar sounding name, are asking for a cool $3 million to ensure that the status quo remains in place and their luxury lifestyles can be maintained. The hope is that by remaining as completely ineffective as in previous years, they will be able to convince gullible online poker players that some progress is being made - and ask for $4 mill in 2010.

We sent the Melted Felt Mole to rootle through their trash for clues as to where the $3 million earmarked for 'lobbying' by the Poker Players Alligator was to be spent. In a stroke of journalistic luck we managed to find a printed scrap of paper, signed by all the leading PPA members which was a list of potential expenses.

WOt we WiLl SpenT Da $3 Mil oN - By PPa

1) 1276 Rounds of Golf
2) 3 New Porshes
3) 26 Professionally Written Press Releases Designed To Show How Well We Are Doing
4) 69 Escorts
5) 3 Superuser Account Fees for Ultimute But
6) Rental For Penthouse
7) Hire Of Private Jet
8) 2541 Fancy Dinners
9) Hire of 5 TV studios + look alike actors to convince dumb poker players that we are actually doing something constructive in their cause.
10) College Fees and Allowance * 3
11) 2 * Totally Faked Studies Showing That Poker is actually a skill game
12) 3002 Hand Rolled Cuban Cigars
13) Hire Of Private Beach In Hawaii
14) Chauffer Fees
15) 3 Horses Heads to leave in the bed of anyone who looks like outing us as moneygrabbing and completely ineffective scammers.

Here at Melted Felt we can feeeeeel it coming - yes the Poker Players Alligator deserve the $3 million - and fast - so they can carry on doing exactly what they are best at... living luxuary lifestyles while cleverly convincing the average online poker player that regulation is 'just around the corner'

Send your $20 in a plain envelope to....


Wednesday, 22 April 2009

Relief As Calvin Hair Wins Back Control Of

Exclusive crap today, dear Melted Felt readers, as we bring you the shockingly sensational news that Mr Bodrington Og of Tennessee has lost a landmark legal case and will be forced to hand over control of to one Calvin Hair.

Hair, who famously paid his own press department to repeatedly call him an international playboy, was reportedly very pleased with the outcome and looking forward to moving his out of date poker software from its current domain of Apparently both of the regular players on this site are very much looking forward to the shorter URL.

We wanted to ask Calvin Hair, who famously suffers a string of beautiful women wiggling their little fingers and giving each other knowing looks behind his back, whether there were any plans to replace the 1986 version any time soon. However he was too busy laughing at the prospect of the state of Kentucky confiscating the wrong domain to comment.


Tuesday, 21 April 2009

Susan Boyle To Replace Annie Duke At Ultimate Bet??

Continuing with the continuing the theme theme today, dear Melted Felt readers as we bring you the utterly sensational rumor, started by ourselves, that Annie Duke - Ultimate Bet's erm, somewhat mature pro - is about to be replaced by overnight singing sensation Susan Boyle, who shot to fame via youtube after appearing on a naff British talent show.

According to the voices in our head, Duke's sociopathic behavior on Celebrity Apprentice caused such concern to even the crooks, theifs and liars who alledgedly make up UB's holding company - that they immediately started searching for a replacement.

Just when suitably post-menopausal Duke replacements were proving hard to find the Boyle story broke. Considered better looking that Annie and far better at Poker that Hellmuth, Boyle's straightforward manner is considered ideal to bring some much needed trust to the UB brand.

Duke was too busy accidentally doing close impressions of well known German dictators from the 1930's to comment as we went to press...


Monday, 20 April 2009

Obama To Save Economy By Redistributing Poker Wealth

Contining with the 'continuing with the theme' theme today, we bring you a poker-politico crossover story so shocking that Stalin himself would have probably folded pre-flop. Yes, dear readers, it would seem that in his crypto-communist drive to re-distribute wealth, president Barak Obama is to leave no stone unturned - and this includes online poker.

After lengthy invesigations and outrageous expense claims, none other than the Melted Felt mole gave us the low down on the redistribution about to become reality.

Firstly, winning players are to see 35% of their bankroll immediately transferred to those players who can not be bothered to play any hands - while complaining that Mexicans get dealt aces every fucking time. Dope-smoking college dropouts will all receive a complimentary ticket to the Sunday Million, and 14 year olds will be given a free subscription to cardrunners to improve the competativeness of future generations.

On a more detailed level the winners of SNG tournaments will from now on see half of their prize go to the weak-tight nit who finished 7th and is still quoting your bad stats in the chat box 23-minutes later. There will also be a cash bonus of $2.43c for those playing ace-rag from early position, paid for entirely by set-mining short-stackers.

Obama's radical plan to re-distribute wealth from those who worked hard to move up levels to where people respect their raises to the lazy sh1ts who would not know effort if it were spelled out in big letters on a Medicare claim form faces one last hurdle... the unions.

Yes, dear readers, the Unions are already flexing their muscles on this one and demanding that all Americans be immediately given 379% rakeback and a magic 'never-lose' button for when they get aces. After patiently explaining to them that this deal was unsustainable and would eventually kill the poker economy which provided their living in the first place we were told that this kind of talk was 'un-American' and that we were in the pay of foreign powers... ut oh.


PS: Two shouts attached to this post... firstly to Freddie from for the economy boost via poker transfers idea (and several others yet to come!)... 2nd to a certain owner of a top-rated poker affiliate forum, whose amusing political rantings inspired making it a re-distribution of wealth post - cheers J, hope you enjoy!

Thursday, 16 April 2009

Ante Up For Africa Tournament Aims To Educate On Risks Of Sh1te Poker Sites

Continuing the charity theme today, dear Melted Felt reader, with a story as exclusive as gorilla-meat kebabs and as heart-warming as a fluffy
lion-cub. Yes, Africa is the last frontier for online poker, and the great unconquered continent is now the focus of Poker Stars - who are aiming
to provide education on the risks of playing at UB and Full Tilt to semi-nomadic tribes, child soldiers and giraffes.

It is no coincience that the first 'Ante-UP for Africa' Charity tournament will be held alongside the EPT grand final in Monte Carlo. Affluence and glamour are the perfect backdrop to be able to get the maximum guilt from filthy rich poker players - and thus maximize the amount of cash going to the African education efforts.

We made up this exclusive interview with an insider at Poker Stars by sending the imaginary Melted Felt Mole to infiltrate their propaganda department.

Speaking to Jill, head of 'laughing so hard at UB that a little bit of wee comes out' at Poker Stars to get the scoop we were shocked by just how bad the situation has got on the big continent. "Well, I asked some villagers which online poker site they preferred, and they just stared blankly, pointed to their starving children and started beg for food and medicine", Jill began, "I mean, no opinions at all!!". Next we asked what this meant for the future of online poker in Africa, "It's brutal out there we have obtained inside information that Full Tilt are already sponsoring armies of child soldiers as part of a wider branding exercise, and that the majority of people had never even heard of the Potripper scandal".

Supporting Poker Stars efforts with the Ante Up For Africa tournament is easy, just join an online satelite or two, get sucked out on and then sit back proud in the knowledge that you contributed to building a network of schools in remote villages with the remit to educate poor africans on just how sh1te Full Tilt Poker really is.


PS: (yeah, another PS...) There is a real Ante Up For Africa tournament, and it really is a good cause... check it out at Poker Stars (dot com) website now.

Monday, 13 April 2009

Obama OKs White House 'Pet Online Poker Player'

Continuing the dog theme today, dear Melted Felt readers, with a cute story that just begs to be included at the end of the regular news - after tales or shooting sprees, plane crashes and economic depression - just to cheer y'all up a little, or something.

Hot on the heels of the White House's announcement of a new '1st puppy' (a scruffy mongrel that some joker convinced them was a "Portuguese Water Dog" - lol), it emerges that Michell Obama is on the lookout for a pet online poker player too.

Yes, the idea is that the online poker player will provide entertainment for senators, congressmen and even foreign dignitaries when they visit... and also act as a warning to Malia and Sasha on what can happen when how you play AQ suited out of position becomes more important to you than personal hygene.

With so many potential types of pet online poker player to choose from our White House insider gave us the scoop on the short-list being considered.

- The Micro Cash Game Grinder is said to be the top choice of Sasha, who enjoys the way they look down on tournament and SNG players as inferior at the same time as playing a mechanical game over 12 tables which would lose money if it were not for the rakeback.

- Malia is said to want a pet freeroll whore, the type who joins forums an hour before the 1200 runner $25 freeroll starts and begins sending PMs like crazy to get the password

- At the end of the day Mom gets to choose, and Michelle's mind is already made up on this one, she just adores the college-age 'Tilt Monkey' type, who will sit there happily grinding and then throw a fit (complete with repeatedly typing OMG into the chat-box) after losing a 70% / 30% spot... blowing off all their bankroll in the next 5 minutes. "They're just so sweet", Michelle was quoted as saying.

Stay tuned, dear reader, to find out which type of pet online poker player is unvelied.


Friday, 10 April 2009

Harman's Charity Tournament To Bring Relief To Poker Playing Dogs

An exclusive preview today, as Melted Felt can sensationally reveal the details of poker pro Jennifer Harman's 3rd annual charity poker tournament - in aid of the forgetten victims of 'dogs playing poker' pictures which adorn bars and cheap restaurants worldwide.

Scheduled for 5pm on Friday the 17th of April at the Venetian, this event is a $300 buy-in with enough rebuy options to ensure that even the biggest donkeys are still there after the break. The aim of this charity tournament being to beat the $130,000 raised last year in support of dogs who were made to pose for poker playing pictures by evil cats, sometimes being forced to smoke and drink while they posed.

We exclusively spoke to Fido, a Border Collie who still suffers flashbacks, guilt and nightmares about his time at the hands of the poker-playing-dogs pictures gang. "Sausages?", began Fido, "it was really Ruff, ruff standing on our hind legs for hours on end, smoking ruff cheap cigars and drinking ruff brandy", continuing "I can still picture Rover now ruff - before he was caught and made to pose for the dog poker pics he was a happy-go-lucky Scotty without a care in the world... 1 year later he's ruff, broke, lost his kennel, collar and every single buried bone to his name all he talks about is his sharkscope graph and how he is a great player - just unlucky"

"Sausages?" continued Fido before going on to tell us about the evil Cat gang masters who burned the paws of a Whippet for refusing to play billiards for the pictures, and even threatened to dock the tail of a German Shepard who refused to stop short-stacking...

So, dear Melted Felt readers, do what you can to help the desperate victims of the dogs-playing-poker gangs and get down to the Venetian on the 17th...


PS: Just to add, there is a real charity tournament which really does help animals at the Venetian on the 17th April at 5PM... go on, we'll throw you a sausage.

Wednesday, 8 April 2009

Party Gaming Pay $105 Million To US - But Why?

In back-handed, brown paper bag full of used notes exclusive today, Melted Felt can reveal that Party Gaming, owners of Party Poker and a sh1t pink bingo site, have handed $105 million to the US in exchange for a promise that they will not be prosecuted for something which was outside of the jurastiction of the US in the first place, or something.

Not satisfied that the resulting publicity was worth the full $105 million, we sent the Melted Felt Mole into the dark and shadowy world of Washington DC to find out more.

The results were shocking.

It turns out that Amrag Dikshit - ragga to his friends - the multi-trillionaire owner of Party Gaming, was feeling a little bored with counting his huge piles of money, priceless antiques and art masterpieces. For a bit of amusement Ragga through it would be funny to spend the odd $100 million reminding US players that Party is as big a poker cash-cow as you will ever see in your lifetime, and how funny it is that those in the US can not play there.

Snikkering behind his hand Dikshit went on to remind US Citizens that playing at Party was almost the same as printing money, that there were so many donks at each table that more seats were planned, and that even a $3 SNG player on a US site would be able to take down the Monthy Million tournament with no effort at all.

In a final message Amrag said that he hopes those players in the US enjoy sitting at 9 handed tables with 8 break-even nits all slowly losing their bankrolls to the rake - he very much looks forward to welcoming you back to Party Poker, any time after 2023 should be just fine.


Monday, 6 April 2009

Bogdog Poker Furious As Justin Bonomo Unbans Poker Stars

In an exclusive this morning we bring you the sensational news that self-confessed cheat, and crown-jewel in the poker pro stable of stone-aged poker site Bogoff Poker, Justin 'ZeeJustin' Bonomo has decided to unban Poker Stars from himself, at least under his real name.

In a publicity coup, Stars unbanning by Bonomo has taken the spotlight away from the tables at Bogshed Poker, where Justin plays (sometimes under his real name) against opponents who may or may not be banned as a sponsored pro. Stars publicity department were apparently delighted to welcome back Bonomo, who banned the site after they caught him cheating... we sent the Melted Felt mole to get this exclusively fabricated interview, yesterday.

"Great news all round", began Frank, Poker Stars head of Double-Standards "Not only is this a big slap in the face for the people who actually pay Justin money, Bodrag poker or whatever that sh1te site is called, but also puts us in a great position to tell the truth to the countless kids who were caught hoplessly colluding in 6-max SNG tournaments..."

Going on to add, "You got caught, Justin got caught, we froze your money, we froze his money, we banned you, we'll take him back with open arms, now get over it you spotty little scum and come back when you are grown up enough to be earning millions". We asked him to explain further, however at this point he decided end the interview by clarifying Stars policy on cheating... "In our view all cheats are equal" finished Frank, "only some cheats are more equal than others"

We asked for a statement from Bodgers Poker concerning their sponsored pro unbanning poker stars, however they were far too busy managing inter-account transfers from Justin's aliases to comment.


Thursday, 2 April 2009

'Poker Skill' April Fools Joke Takes In PPA + Players Worldwide

Poker Stars have done it again! After having the biggest tournament, the most players and the largest known collection of cat pictures outside of specialist websites - the world's most popular poker site have gone one better....

Yes, dear readers - we can exclusively reveal that Poker Stars have now claimed the crown of starting Poker's biggest April Fools joke too, convincing millions of donks worldwide that poker was somehow a game of skill with a plausable sounding 'study' of 300 million hands.

We caught up with Dave McDoomswitch, head of Stars letting new players win then rivering them when they move up levels department - who was still wiping the laughter tears from his eyes a day later, 'Can't believe so many people fell for it to be honest' spluttered Dave, 'I mean take a look at the games for yourself and try and spot any skill... more like fucking bingo'.

In a potentially embarrasing twist, the Poker Players Alliance (that organisation who have apparently managed to raise millions in funds to carry out their free activities from golf courses worldwide) actually used the study of 300 Million hands as evidence in court. Luckily the South Carolina judge had a couple of $3+ rebuys under her belt and was able to see through the hilarious study quickly... 'any 2-suited all the way to the river' being explicitly mentioned in the summing up.

With bright college kids using this April Fools joke study to convince their parents to let them drop out of college for a bright future driving fork-lift trucks - we asked Shelly Neverhap-Penslive, PokerStars head of Creative RNG programming, whether the social responsibilities had been thought through before publishing, she looked us straight in the eye (which is actually quite difficult on the telephone) before assuring our readers that 'Full Tilt Poker is sh1te'.


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