Friday, 26 June 2009

Poker Site Tributes Flood In As Michael Jackson Dies

A sad day in poker history today, dear readers, as the untimely death of the King Of Pop shocks the world momentarily, causes everyone to look up the news on the internet, say 'ohhh, what about Jackson then' to colleages when arriving at work - before finally getting on with whatever they were doing and forgetting all about it.

As fans, friends and family weep we have exclusively collected together the imaginary tributes not sent by some of the biggest online poker sites to the Jackson estate:

Pokerstars: One Vikram Patesh, head of quality control for the cookie baskets available via the FPP store, sent Stars' condolences... "We would like to offer our thoughts and prayers on behalf of the entire online poker community, and let you know that we will be introducing a full range of satellite qualifiers to the funeral shortly - we expect 'Jackson Funeral Steps' to be especially popular"

Party Poker: An anonymous spokesperson "A great loss to the world of entertainment - unfortunately this death has resulted in no account activity for several days, so according to our Ts and Cs we have removed the $2.16c remaining balance on MJs account"

Full Tilt: "We would like to distance ourselves from the unfortunate early demise of Jacko, and take the opportunity to clearly state that his death was in no way linked to our persistant refusal to switch him to over to rakeback"

Ultimate Bet: "Our thoughts are with the millions of fans worldwide who must be feeling a genuine sense of distress on this sad day, but enough about Phil Hellmuths lack of WSOP results...oh yeah, we are also sorry to hear that Wacko-Jacko has snuffed it too"

And the MF tribute... of course we would like to compliment Jacko on more than his status as the greatest entertainer the world ever knew, to us his ultimate achievement was to sell out 50 stadium sized concerts to the Brits shortly before his death, even though he was in terrible heath and had not even performed for 12 years - top stuff M-J, who ever said you can not fool all of the people all of the time!



Wednesday, 24 June 2009

National Poker Week 19th to 25th July - PPA Launches 3 New Websites

In a shocking exclusive that has almost certainly never hit Rihanna we bring you news that the completely ineffective, but exceptionally well funded Poker Players Aliance will be sipping bottles of Cristal at your expense on tropical islands of... no, erm, sorry.... ahem... Will be launching 3 new websites ahead of National Poker Week - the event in which everyone who knows about poker will tell each other how important the game is, and everyone else in the world will continue to not give a fuck.

None other than the Melted Felt mole has been busy, not only getting a sneek preview of the content of the 3 new websites - but bringing you the URLs too... remember where you heard the news first!

Website #1 -

This site will host videos of everyday poker players explaining how they are exceptionally talented, just a little unlucky. The hope is to demonstrate to the voting public that these kind of people are better off grinding in darkened rooms where they are significantly less likely to reproduce - would you want them wandering the streets at night? No? Then legalize poker now!

Website #2 - www.HolyMoleySkillGameException.god

Aimed at winning over the conservative bible-bashing crowd - this site contains proof from preists, vicars, rabbis, immams and even the odd Bishop or two that poker is a skill game - and thus endorsed by God himself - and not gambling, which would be the work of someone elses completely wrong religion. The big holy skill game exception is backed up by a close up of the Turin Shroud which clearly shows the image of a poker table with ancient scripts explaining that you should not turn your jacks into 2-7 off by re-opening the betting when a re-raise will make you throw-up.

Website #3 -

Finally a chance for you to vote for online poker and feel like you have actually done something when really you just clicked your mouse you lazy piece of whining shit. The great thing about this site is that Ben Yates from MN has already voted 17,652,821 times using a special designed akh script - thanks very much Ben!

Remember, dear Melted Felt readers, to make sure you tell someone who does not give a fuck that the 19th to 25th July is National Poker Week.


PS: Yeah yeah, they are an easy target... but the PPA are actually a good bunch - you can (and should) support them if you care about the legality of the beautiful game in the USA, individual freedom of choice in general or the latest fashion in thorned crowns - Here is a link to their real website:

Tuesday, 23 June 2009

Tom McEvoy Threat Boosts Poker Hall Of Fame Prospects

In an exclusive so shocking that it also does not believe that Schumacher was really The Stig, we can bring you an exclusive from the poker corridoors of slightly yellowed black and white photos today - as we examine a last minute revalation which may just tip the balance with the nomination to Poker's exclusive hall of fame for one Tom McEvoy.

No, dear readers, it is not the fact that online poker giant Pokerstars have thrown their weight behind the 4-times WSOP bracelet winner's bid to have a life-like wax dummy - complete with genuine grey Mink fur beard - enshrined in poker history. Nor is it the fact that McEvoy not only beat all 3 other entrants to win the 1983 main event title, but then sucked out on every winner since in the 'tournament of champions'.

Dear readers we urge you to grab a nomination form immediately, and 'Vote Tom' for this years entry... you will not only be participating in poker history as it actually unfolds, you will be helping the next generation of poker players to avoid suffering which many of us have (sadly), already endured.Yes dear readers, McEvoy has virtually guaranteed his inaugauration this year by threatening to write another fucking poker book if he does not get in... the only small glimmer of hope in this doomsday poker-literature scenario is that TJ Cloutier is probably far too busy blowing his money at the craps tables to co-author with him this time...

Come on folks - vote Tom today and save us all!

SENSATIONAL BREAKING NEWS ADDITION: The Melted Felt Mole has just wispered into our shell-like ear-holes that rumors are circulating Party Poker may also be on the nomination trail, with none other than legend Mike Sexton due to be nominated for his organizational and TV commentary services - on the strict understanding that he would then shut the fuck up...


Sunday, 21 June 2009

Relief As Iran's Ayatolla Declares Stars 'Not Rigged'

In an exclusive so sensational it thinks Salman Rushdie's books are exceptional literature - yet just a little bit too wordy for an enjoyably light read - we bring you news from the very top of the oil-rich nuclear nutcases of Iran. The completely unelected 'big boss' there has tried to put an end to several days of protests against Stars RNG rigging by declaring online poker to be the real-deal.

While the dead from seveal days of protesting were buried, the Iranian population were repeatedly assured that, although it felt like an ace always flopped when you held kings and the fucking retard who called a raise with ace-four off from early position hit and took your entire stack - that the Stars RNG was not only completely fair, but believing it was not was a viscious rumor being funded by Americans in an effort to personally insult the Mothers of every man, woman and child in the nation.

The unelected Ayatolla then went on to say how important elections were, assuring people that they should go back to their homes and not worry about the false and destabilising propaganda from the evil godless British who were secretly funding dissident groups who believe that people who cash-out are punished with a terrible run of cards.

With more anti RNG rigging protests planned in the days to come the future is far from certain. Groups campaigning for several Sunday Majors to be re-run are gaining momentum using Twitter, uTube and petrol bombs, while the all-powerful police and totally hard secret services are joining forces to shoot people who berate fish in the chatbox...


(*Melted Fatwah?)

Friday, 19 June 2009

Phil Hellmuth in 'At WSOP' Shocker

In a sensational so exclusive we completely refused to 'run it twice' we bring you the news that not only is Phil Hellmuth at this years World Series of Poker - but (according to his press department) he is very important indeed.

Just in case we the poker-loving public had forgotten just how very important Phil is, a media blitz is planned over the next few days which will reportedly include:

- Announcements over the ROI loudspeaker system every 15 minutes reminding everyone that Phil is the world record bracelet holder - and thus rather important - in 19 different languages (work is currently in operation to cut down the time for this to less than 17 minutes).

- Specially designed robots which will rove the downtown Las Vegas area programmed to replay hands in which Phil was 'bad beat' from the preliminary events for all who will listen, spreading proof that if luck were not involved then Phil would be even more important than he undoubtedly already is.

- Drug Addicted models fueled with Diazepam, coke and dressed provocatively are to be released on the Rio, these ladies will be paid on a 'mention' basis, collecting dollars every time that Phil's name is spoken.

- The TV camera setup is to be adjusted to show Phil's ' best side', the above and slightly to the right view has been scientifically tested to show the smallest amount of flappy neck possible.

- A group of heavies who will randomly stop people and intimidate, no, erm, we mean gently persuade, people to sign the 2009 'My Gosh, Phil Hellmuth Is Very Important Indeed' pledge. Those who sign will then get a cloth patch which can be sewn stylishly onto their faded denim jackets...

In fact, we are off to sign-up right now...


Wednesday, 17 June 2009

De Wolfe Celebrates Canine Triple Crown

In an exclusive so riveting that you'll miss the bus to your 'Magic, The Gathering' game while reading it, we bring you the sensational news that Roland De Wolfe the British ex-hack, has made history by winning the first poker-canine triple crown after winning dog shows on two continents before taking down the 'big one' by winning a coveted Cruftsop bracelet.

It all started at the British annual military show, where De Wolfe won the obstacle-course event, by daringly jumping over walls and see-saws, slaleming poles just 1 meter apart and fearlessly dashing through a plastic tube. Next over to the US, where straight white teeth in your doggy
mouth are more important than the bark that comes out of it... where a victory in the East Coast's annual woofers event involved discreetly eating several rivals from the expensive handbags they lived in.

Wolfe himself admitted to some nervousness as the final table of the big-one, The Crusftsop came around. His nose dried out, his tail went straight between his legs and hairs were spread all over the Rio's carpet as Roland successfully sucked out, dodged bullets and bluffed his way to
the heads up section. A final nervous moment came when the judge cupped his balls, checked his ears for mites and patted him on the head one more time... before the Wolfe was finally awarded the rosette, erm, no, bracelet - and the prestigeous triple crooowwwwwwwwwn.


Rakeback-Planet Revamped

How about this for a fine combo - the best rakeback deals at all the leading sites PLUS service backed up by the Planet group of sites with a personal pledge to sort out any issues fast.

Sounds good right?

We have deals on Full Tilt, Cake, AP, Carbon, iPoker (erm, "VIP Bonus'... *cough* ) and more. we also have a unique SNG / Tournament rakeback calculator as well as a Cash Games one... and guides for new players and those with existing accounts too...

More stuff than you could shake a stick at.

Pop on over to check out the great new look now:

Rakeback Planet


Monday, 15 June 2009

WSOP Dealers: Ivey's 2nd Bracelet Nothing To Do With $190K Tip

In an exclusive so sensational it tops a limp-reraise in sheer excitement potential, we bring you the shocking news that Phil Ivey's 2nd WSOP bracelet win has no connection what-so-ever with the fact that he tipped the dealers some 190k after scooping his first bracelet or 2009.

While conspiracy theories grow and multiply like little fluffy bunnies, we note that statistical probablilty is a perfectly good explanation for the amazing run of cards which saw Ivey go from smallest stack to chip lead in the space of 10 hands. We dispute and reject any mutterings that the dealers knew that giant ginge PearlJammer was not going to be throwing at $100k chip into their kitty, and that Ming Lee would be popping straight to the antique dealers with his winnings - fully intending to puruse the vases.

Nope, the unlikely hands holding up to win pots where Ivey was favorite for neither the high nor the low side of the split-pot championships were co-incidental all right. One dealer caught winking in the direction of the world's greatest poker pro as he contemplated shoving all in with his single suited kings in the Omaha hi-lo round explained the situation to Melted Felt.

"It was a small flying insect" started Dougie, "it just buzzed right up and drowned in my eye-juices" adding "I also have a life-long facial tick, and saw an attractive woman directly behind Phil at the time" going on to inform us "humans blink 30,000 times a second, I just happened to do it slowly - and with one eye".

A different dealer was in place when Ivey hit a miracle card on the river in the Stud-8 round to make a straight for the high and 8-low to scoop a huge pot. Sarah, the dealer at the time explained to us afterwards that the fact her entire family was being held hostage by masked gunmen at the time was unrelated - apparently the result of an ongoing dispute with a their local Pet Insurance broker.

Ah well, with winnings of more than $7 trillion in side bets already banked, who would bet against Ivey making it three?


Sunday, 14 June 2009

WSOP Bracelet Win For Brit - First 1st Since 1966

Mugs of steaming tea were raised, backs were gently slapped and shouts of 'jolly good', 'spiffing stuff' and 'darn good show' were seen around Britain yesterday, Melted Felt is pleased to exclusively report - as news trickled through of a first win in absolutely anything at all since 1966 - when one John-Paul Kelly took down a WSOP bracelet in the $1500 No Limit Holdem Event.

In fact the British are so deeply ingrained as losers that John-Paul's post win interview got rather confused:

Interviewer: Congratulations on your historic win and $192,000 prize John-Paul!

JPC: Thanks very much, I'd like to compliment the winner, who put up a great performance and outplayed me through the whole final table, Marc fully deserved his victory.

Interviewer: I think the emotion of the victory, the first for Britain for more than 700 years, must have got to you Jean-Paul... you are the winner of this event!!

JPC: Well, we will try again next year of course, right now I'd like to compliment the performances of the winners, have a nice cup of tea, and think about those areas of my game which might be improved upon in order to finish better next year.

Interviewer: Difficult to finish better John, you were in the top spot already.

JPC: Yes, well once again I'd like to congratualate the winners and say what a pleasure it was to compete with such talented players.

Interviewer: Oh shit, he's locked in the runner-up mentality. John-Paul... you WON, came FIRST, took every FUCKING CHIP, won the MAIN PRIZE.... I mean, how more plainly do you want it put?

JPC: I did? Wow, does that mean I'll get a knighthood?


Thursday, 11 June 2009

Feds $30 Million Siezure Forces Pokerstars Biscuit Downgrade

In an exclusive that is chewy in a crunchy sort of way, Melted Felt can today bring you the shocking tale of money laundering, opaque laws surrounding the legality of online gambling and, erm, biscuits.

Yes, dear readers - the US government, in a blatant attack on the constitutionally endorsed freedom to play ace-eight off suit from any damn position you like, has frozen the Pokerstars staff biscuit kitty, containing 'oh, about $30 million or so' in spare change designed to refill the teabag tin, pop down the shop with when the tipex runs out and buy some of the finest quality snacks and refreshments possible for the army of bean-counters who sit all day totting up the huge piles of cash donated by 'aspiring poker pros' worldwide.

We spoke to Melvin Thomas, Stars' head of being too big and important to bother speaking with pesky affiliate scumballs, who filled us in on the impact of the Federal siezure of $30 Million in poker cash, "Its a fucking disaster" he began, "we are talking about a serious biscuit-downgrade here... one minute its chocolate hob-nobs, garibaldi and those extra posh ones from Marks and Spencers that come in packs of 5, you know, with cherries in" his face visibly drained of blood, Melvin went on to give us the bad news, "A note came around from the boss, its Tesco-value custard cremes, rich-tea and lemon fucking puffs from now on, at least until the legal system awards us our biscuit-kitty back"

Of course, we could not help asking whether it was really, well, neccessary to keep $30 million in the biscuit kitty? "Of course!" came Melvin's terse reply, "it was a matter of company pride that we kept enough in the chump-change to equal the annual profits of Cake, Carbon and UB
combined... by the way did I mention that Full Tilt Poker are sh1te???"


Wednesday, 10 June 2009

Lisa Hamilton Crowned Ladies WSOP Champ After Limp Fest

An exclusive from the damp and just slightly sticky floor of the world series of poker today - with a pro analysis of a historical hand, after which Lisa Hamilton, a cash game player, was crowned Women's champ for 2009 - sensationally winning a lot less than any of the men.

As the 9 ladies sat down for the final table there was a definite tension in the air, worries about whether anyone else was wearing the same top, lost false-nails and whether they switched the oven off before coming out today were soon banished, as the dealer started to distribute the cards for what was to be the 1st and only hand of the coveted televised final table.

Once the hole cards were dealt the play proceded in the usual ladies fashion, with Kim Rios opening the no-limit action with a limp, Lisa Parsons deciding to limp behind, Dawn Thomas believing her suited cards worthy of a 3rd limp and so on... round to Lori Bender who, seeing a monster hand of Ace-Nine off - decided to put in a heathy raise of 1 more big blind. Here is where things got tricky, after 7 of the 8 limpers called this bet we found our we have a slow-player in the house, yes, Mari Lou Morelli had pocket 10's all along and now decides it is time to spring the trap with a 2 Big Blind Limp-reraise!! Everyone called.

A card was burned and the flop dealt, 4-5-6 of spades hitting the table. Lori Bender kicked off the action - and having missed her ace and nine, was happy to see that the 9 was in fact spades, giving here a flush draw. She bet the minimum, since, well, her hand was only 'pretty good', next to her Kim Rios had flopped a straight draw with here Ace-Three and called, as did several other players until Lisa Santy - who had flopped 2 pairs with here 4-6 reraised the minimum, only to see a further minimum raise from Mari Lou Morelli with here powerhouse overpair. Everyone called.

The turn came an offsuit ace, giving at least 8 of the Ladies reason enough to continue. Here we see eventual winner Lisa Hamilton spring into life. After 2 circuits of the table in which bets and mini-raises saw 4 ladies all in Lisa decided to drop the bombshell, and actually put in a raise of a futher 4 blinds into the 127 blind pot, with her Ace-six of diamonds.

Breath was drawn, evil looks were given and cries of 'ohhhhhh, get 'er ' were heard across the floor, 3 players called before Mari Lou suddenly decided that everyone was bluffing and raised once again with her pocket 10's. Everyone called.

A tense silence descended on the room and the dealer involuntarily went into TV Slo-Mo to deal the river card, the case 6! With a flurry of min betting, min-raising, slowplaying and calling just to see if the fucking bitch was bluffing all the money went in. With Lisa Hamilton's Ace-Six taking down the prize.

he Melted Felt mole grabbed an exclusive interview with the runner up, Lori Bender, who said that she was happy to accept defeat on this occasion, since the winner so obviously needed the money to afford surgery on that huge fat ass.


Saturday, 6 June 2009

Full Tilt To Send Letters Home With Heads-Up Grinders

In an exclusive which is so sensational it almost got us 5 of the best with the cane, no, wait, its 2009... we mean almost got us a meaningful and non-judgemental interview with some fat ugly 'educational psychologist'... we bring you the news that Full Tilt Poker High are to send letters home with some of their mid-stakes heads-up grinders after serious concerns were raised that these people were low as fuck, even by the degenerate standards of other online poker players.

Here is a leaked version of the letter to be sent:

From: Dr H Lederer, Principal - Full Tilt Poker High
To: Mr And Mrs H.U. Grinder
Subject: Little Johnny Grinder's Behavior

It is with some concern that we are taking the unusual step of writing to you as the parents of Johnny Grinder to express our deep and genuine concern over his behavior while attending $5 / $10 Heads-up cash games here at Full Tilt Poker High.

Our main concern is that Johnny Grinder is refusing to play with the other degens, erm children, preferring to sit alone at the heads-up cash game tables. What is more, whenever one of the other players joins the game johnny immediately sits out, waiting for one of the kindergarten players or someone wobbling in from the chemistry lab instead.

Second, Johnny grinder actually sits at 15 heads-up tables at once, ensuring that anyone wishing to play this level must sit with him. While we are happy to report that end of term exam results indicate a high level of proficiency in this form of the game, both tournament and full-ring
were fails - indicating that this year of grinding will have to be re-sat.

We tried to reason with Johnny before taking the step of writing to you both, however he incoherently babbled something about waiting for the fish (the school pond, kindly donated by Poker Stars, is full of the finest koi carp and freely available for all the degens to enjoy) and also
appreared to be having a conversation with an invisible friend called Carl Runners. His only responses to our questions appeared to be in code with 'IMOA', 'GG' and 'WFT' being the most common.

I would like to invite you to my office to discuss Johnny Grinders future progress, especially in relation to the development of even the most basic social skills. If you could please attend at 3PM Thursday it would be much appreciated - you can bring the rubber gear and I'll call Annie Duke. In the meantime we have restricted the number of tables that any of the grinders can sit alone at to 4 - with only one at each buy-in level.

Yours, Howie


PS: Stole this pic from a forum post at Poker Affiliate Listings... if you are involved in the poker business in any way then please check out the #1 poker business community for yourself!

Wednesday, 3 June 2009

North Korea Special - WSOP To Remain Unaffected By Impending Nuclear War

In an exclusive so fruity that they drink it in the Congo, Melted Felt today brings you the reassuringly shocking news that contingency plans are in place for the World Series of Poker should North Korea rather rudely start a global nuclear war during the 2009 main event.

We taped this exclusive interview with the voices in our heads, under the guise that it was a spokesman for Hurrah's.

"Miles of chared, desolate, scorched earth - smouldering corpses and the over-reaching threat of slow and painful death from radiation sickness will not prevent the festival of poker which is the 2009 World Series from being the best ever!" our contact began, "we are going out of our way to provide special facilities in the event that global nuclear war - triggered by certified nut-case Kim Jong-Il - interrupts the events"

"We have a some special Hurrah's logoed chair and table coverings in store for players who reach televised final tables while bleeding from every orafice... and in the event of a player expiring from radiation-related condiditions during a hand, we have decided that all bets will stand - a side pot will be created for any blackened blabbering survivors with limbs hanging on by exposed tendons wishing to continue betting"

Relieved to hear about the contingency plans in place we asked whether the projected numbers of Poker Stars qualifiers would be lowered in the face of a global holocaust. "Absolutely not" our contact replied, "have you not seen the clause in small print of the Ts and Cs which states that players are still bound to turn up in that horribly camp Stars clothing in the event of armegeddon, judgement day, nuclear war, Ebola outbreak, swine flu or the Pope being delared Catholic??"


Monday, 1 June 2009

Last Titanic Survivor Dies Of Boredom Watching Durrrr Challenge

In an exclusive so cool that icebergs are breaking off from it, Melted Felt can today bring you the unhappy sensational news that Millvina Dean, until yesterday the last survivor of the 1912 Oscar-winning sinking of the Titanic, has died or boredom while watching the Durrrr Challenge.

Miss Dean, who at 97 years old was only a baby when the big ship sank - taking Leonardo DeCaprio and Kate Winslett down with it - had no memory of the actual disaster, however she managed to pay for her care-home fees for many years by selling old bits of wood found in the local rubbish dump at Titanic-themed auctions.

Sensationally the UK Coroner has recorded the cause of death on her papers as 'Durrrr Challenge'. According to sources close to Millvina she actually died of boredeom after waiting 3 months to see just 15,123 pot-limit-omaha coin flips... the final 2-pair against a flush draw + gutshot in the last session was the final straw with the 97 year-old's final words reported as "in-n-n my da-y-y we used to p-p-play post-flop don't you know".

We immediately sent the Melted Felt mole to Southampton, England to speak with Miss Dean's former care home buddy, Ethel.

Ethel Jenks, 92, started us off, "Millvina was with Antoinus the whole way" she mumbled while tottering to the kitchen to make an incredibly weak cup of tea, " 'That Thomas Dwan' she used to say - 'no social skills...and those horrid ears' " continuing "In fact I think the only reason that Millvina followed the challenge at all is that she had a bit of a thing for that 'very nice man' Patrik Antonius - she even kept a tube of lubricant by her bed, just in case...."


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