Thursday, 11 June 2009

Feds $30 Million Siezure Forces Pokerstars Biscuit Downgrade

In an exclusive that is chewy in a crunchy sort of way, Melted Felt can today bring you the shocking tale of money laundering, opaque laws surrounding the legality of online gambling and, erm, biscuits.

Yes, dear readers - the US government, in a blatant attack on the constitutionally endorsed freedom to play ace-eight off suit from any damn position you like, has frozen the Pokerstars staff biscuit kitty, containing 'oh, about $30 million or so' in spare change designed to refill the teabag tin, pop down the shop with when the tipex runs out and buy some of the finest quality snacks and refreshments possible for the army of bean-counters who sit all day totting up the huge piles of cash donated by 'aspiring poker pros' worldwide.

We spoke to Melvin Thomas, Stars' head of being too big and important to bother speaking with pesky affiliate scumballs, who filled us in on the impact of the Federal siezure of $30 Million in poker cash, "Its a fucking disaster" he began, "we are talking about a serious biscuit-downgrade here... one minute its chocolate hob-nobs, garibaldi and those extra posh ones from Marks and Spencers that come in packs of 5, you know, with cherries in" his face visibly drained of blood, Melvin went on to give us the bad news, "A note came around from the boss, its Tesco-value custard cremes, rich-tea and lemon fucking puffs from now on, at least until the legal system awards us our biscuit-kitty back"

Of course, we could not help asking whether it was really, well, neccessary to keep $30 million in the biscuit kitty? "Of course!" came Melvin's terse reply, "it was a matter of company pride that we kept enough in the chump-change to equal the annual profits of Cake, Carbon and UB
combined... by the way did I mention that Full Tilt Poker are sh1te???"


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