Monday, 1 June 2009

Last Titanic Survivor Dies Of Boredom Watching Durrrr Challenge

In an exclusive so cool that icebergs are breaking off from it, Melted Felt can today bring you the unhappy sensational news that Millvina Dean, until yesterday the last survivor of the 1912 Oscar-winning sinking of the Titanic, has died or boredom while watching the Durrrr Challenge.

Miss Dean, who at 97 years old was only a baby when the big ship sank - taking Leonardo DeCaprio and Kate Winslett down with it - had no memory of the actual disaster, however she managed to pay for her care-home fees for many years by selling old bits of wood found in the local rubbish dump at Titanic-themed auctions.

Sensationally the UK Coroner has recorded the cause of death on her papers as 'Durrrr Challenge'. According to sources close to Millvina she actually died of boredeom after waiting 3 months to see just 15,123 pot-limit-omaha coin flips... the final 2-pair against a flush draw + gutshot in the last session was the final straw with the 97 year-old's final words reported as "in-n-n my da-y-y we used to p-p-play post-flop don't you know".

We immediately sent the Melted Felt mole to Southampton, England to speak with Miss Dean's former care home buddy, Ethel.

Ethel Jenks, 92, started us off, "Millvina was with Antoinus the whole way" she mumbled while tottering to the kitchen to make an incredibly weak cup of tea, " 'That Thomas Dwan' she used to say - 'no social skills...and those horrid ears' " continuing "In fact I think the only reason that Millvina followed the challenge at all is that she had a bit of a thing for that 'very nice man' Patrik Antonius - she even kept a tube of lubricant by her bed, just in case...."

MF

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