Friday, 19 June 2009

Phil Hellmuth in 'At WSOP' Shocker

In a sensational so exclusive we completely refused to 'run it twice' we bring you the news that not only is Phil Hellmuth at this years World Series of Poker - but (according to his press department) he is very important indeed.

Just in case we the poker-loving public had forgotten just how very important Phil is, a media blitz is planned over the next few days which will reportedly include:

- Announcements over the ROI loudspeaker system every 15 minutes reminding everyone that Phil is the world record bracelet holder - and thus rather important - in 19 different languages (work is currently in operation to cut down the time for this to less than 17 minutes).

- Specially designed robots which will rove the downtown Las Vegas area programmed to replay hands in which Phil was 'bad beat' from the preliminary events for all who will listen, spreading proof that if luck were not involved then Phil would be even more important than he undoubtedly already is.

- Drug Addicted models fueled with Diazepam, coke and dressed provocatively are to be released on the Rio, these ladies will be paid on a 'mention' basis, collecting dollars every time that Phil's name is spoken.

- The TV camera setup is to be adjusted to show Phil's ' best side', the above and slightly to the right view has been scientifically tested to show the smallest amount of flappy neck possible.

- A group of heavies who will randomly stop people and intimidate, no, erm, we mean gently persuade, people to sign the 2009 'My Gosh, Phil Hellmuth Is Very Important Indeed' pledge. Those who sign will then get a cloth patch which can be sewn stylishly onto their faded denim jackets...

In fact, we are off to sign-up right now...



Anonymous said...

Do you think that the Hellmuth we see is the actual Phil Hellmuth or is it all a show for the camertas and his marketting etc?

I'd like to think he's not a total dickhead all the time!

Melody said...

My Gosh...and to think I had forgotten how important Phil Hellmuth is...I could use one of those robots right now.

Mark said...

Glad you remembered in time Melody, we think Phil is so important we had a life-sized statue made for the living room. The neck was designed by Japanise scientists to have a life-like 'flappiness', though i suspect they may have cheated and just cut up and reused one of those rubber chickens...


Mark said...

Hey Yorkie, I think he is smart enough to use the fact that he is an arrogant, whingeing asshole to his advantage, but that he is 100% still an arrogant wingeing asshole



The Main Event said...

AHAHA Thats great stuff!

But this year Phil seems to be much better. He is almost modest and respectful. Check out what we wrote back in May:

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