Monday, 27 July 2009

Gender Dispute Leads RPT To Move Moscow Open To Kiev

We hope you are sitting comfortably, Dear Melted Felt readers, as todays geo-political poker news is both shocking and a little bit hairy. The Russian Poker Tour have moved out of Russia and into the Ukraine after a diplomatic spat concerning the gender of a Russian ex-shotputter in the Womens event caused Poker's status as a sport to be voided, or something.

While the Russian Poker Tour can take some solace from the fact that not too many people would actualy realize that Kiev is not in Russia, there was still a lot of concern and anger among the tour organizers when it comes to the questions about 1974 Olympic sliver medal-shotputter Petra Voldinoskov.

Petra's gender was questioned first questioned by the floor manager when she entered the ladies preliminary event, with moustache, short-back-and-sides haircut, hairy armpits showing through 'her' vest top, breats and stomach merging into an amprphous blob and deep voice the alarm bells started ringing. When the tour chiefs were called in to investigate a further dispute arose over human rights, with an individuals fundamental right to keep a banana in their pocket without having to reveal it on request the core of the argument. Luckily, one of the other contestants - a former Olympic female javelin athlete by the name of Boris, was able to confirm Petra's true gender.

Meanwhile officials in Kiev are delighted to welcome the RTP to their city and have set up a suitable venue, accomodation and started the hiring process. While the costs of the entire event (including special 'administration fees' for the police, local government, majors office, national government, secret services, local mafia, trades union officials and president's office) they fully intend to wait until about 10 minutes after the event starts before letting the organizers know that Poker is actually illegal in the Ukraine too...oops.


Friday, 24 July 2009

Player Proves Online Poker Is Not Only For Geeks - Using ICM

Yes Dear Melted Felt readers, we take you into the dark and murky world of shoving all-in at the bubble today, to bring you the sensational proof (as if proof were needed) that online poker is 103.76% not only for geeks!

Johan Johannson from Sweden spent many weeks toiling and calculating in his quest to prove that cool kids could play online poker too. He trawled internet forums in several languages - and only found geeks. He datamined Full Tilt and analyzed 100's of player hours of table chat, only to find no evidence of social skills what so ever. Finally, while analyzing a bubble push to make sure it had positive expecation of more than 0.001% over time - regardless of the outcome in this individual hand - Johan found the proof he was looking for!

Oh, the Independant Chip Model, in which players stacks are turned into prize pool equity so they magically don't have to play poker post-flop any more even though SNGs require just as much skill as Cash Games - has proven - once and for all that Poker is not only for geeks. While it baffled us here at Melted Felt, fortunately Johan was able to explain!

"Yes", began Johan, "poker is a passtime for many people and not just geeks, we have the proof, yes". Continuing, "Yes, taking a short stack at the bubble and converting his chips into prize pool equity we can immediately see that he is in bad shape, with 2 medium stacks and a calling range of 88+ AQo+ he should be pushing whenever the big stack is out of the hand, the fact that he is called in one place by A7 adds 0.172% equity, with the big stack out of the hand he has a 31.9% chance of busting, and then calls with 5's or better or any suited ace above 7 when the big stack pushes - of course this is negative over time if one of the medium stacks have already called, especially when 12-tabling, yes?".

Completely baffled we asked how this actually proved that not all online poker players are spotty pale geeks who would have been playing Dungeons and Dragons if the internet had not been invented yet? "equilibrium" Johan continued "Yes? If you push range x then I can call range Y for any given chip stack size and be profitable, so you adjust to exploit range Y - instead pushing Z which leads me to further adjust to calling with a range which beats this...". We butted in "Well, thats all very nice Johan but..." ..."Yes!" he shouts, "you see it only takes one cool guy and we are adjusting until we are all equal"

So there we have it - concrete proof that poker is not in the slightest bit a game for geeks, using ICM - which is nice.


Wednesday, 22 July 2009

National Poker Week Insights

Yes, Dear Melted Felt readers, it is National Poker Week this week - that special time in the poker year where everyone who is into poker tells
each other that it is national poker week this week, and nobody else gives a sh1t. Rather than taking the high-road of Chairmen, Senators and the
entirely free initiatives the PPA are spending a baffling amount of the funds they raise on... we will today look to the common player, the ordinary poker fan and their friends and relations to ask the question - 'What Does National Poker Week Mean To You?'

Starting in Iowa where we meet John, Sally, Freddie, Sue and Les in a downtown bar waiting for the first of several bands to play. John took the lead in the discussion, "Our friend Ron finally managed to convince us that poker is actually not gambling at all this week!!", John shouted over the booming music, "Like, we were thinking, 'yeah man' gambling problem', but it turns out Ron was simply making good decisions in the mathematical sense all along and profiting from the mistakes of his opponents over time", John got momentariliy distracted by a blonde in a tight dress squeezing past before continuing, "we sure were wrong on that front!". At this point Sally joined the conversation, "yeah, it is comforting to know that Ron does not sit in a darkened room every night never coming out and not having had a girlfriend in 3 years because of gambling - of course we are worried that he is pale, skinny, unheathy and spends his entire life alone - but apparently his forum buddies think he is 'balla'"

Next to New Jersey, where we get to speak to Mike's mom! Another great success of National Poker Week is that this particular Mom has stopped worrying about the effects of poker playing on her son, and has even condoned for the first time his entry into a 8000 player tournament on Pokerstars after seeing John Pappas articulately defend the rights of Americans to play. 11 year old Mickey will now be able to shoot for the first prize of $9 - as long as the tournament does not run over his 8:00PM bedtime, apparently Mike has a side-bet for a dime with his 8-year old brother Scott that he can call at last 5 other players 'retarded' during the tourney.

Finally we pop to Alaska where Jeff (not his real name) is on a personal mission to maintain his rights as an American citizen to 12 table 25NL 6 hours a day and live off of the rakeback at home with his parents. Jeff angrily stated that his personal freedoms were on the line and that his cause was just as important on a global scale as abolishing Apartied, the fight against childhood malaria and democracy in Myanmar... when we mentioned that regulation meant he could be taxed in the same way as any other professional Jeff paled a little, mumbled something about 'an appointment' and then wandered off looking slightly confused.

Happy National Poker Week to you all!!


Monday, 20 July 2009

Stars Record Success Leads To Creation Of New Post

Exclusive job-creation poker news today, Dear Melted Felt readers - as we emplore you to compile a list of exaggerations, falsehoods and downright lies and then entitle it 'Resume'. After Pokerstars huge weekend coup, in which they climbed a imaginary stepladder, took down their virtual trousers... and shat right on Full Tilt Poker's 5th birthday party's head by whipping them at world record poker tournament attempts - we have learned that Stars are to create an imaginary brand new and permanent position within their organisation - vacancy details below:

Vacancy: Leading Poker Site Operator Require Head Of Spoiling Parties.

Our prestigeous poker site operator client are looking to fill a vacancy for 'Head of Spoiling Parties' at their high-tech Isle of Man HQ. With 6-figure salary on offer we expect to receive applications only from the creme of the party spoiling community and will be offering a package of benefits to reflect the seniority of the role, including a very big chair and invitations to attend meetings.

Roles And Responsibilities:

- Proactively Identify Parties And Special Occasions To Cruelly Spoil Within Poker Genre
- Hire, Coach And Lead A Team Of Specialists And Support Staff In Planning And Execution Of Spoiling Tactics To Agreed SLAs
- Responsibility To Ensure Budget Expenditure Matches With Laughs Given To Executive Team

Experience / Education Required:

- We are looking for a demonstrable track record of spoiling parties from an early age. Preference will be given to candidates who can prove they made their kindergarten friends cry by blowing out their birthday candles, shat in the pool at junior aqua parties, snogged the hosts boy / girlfriend at High-school parties and vomitted all over their hosts tux's before 10PM at multiple 21sts.
- Sociopaths are most welcome, as are paranoid schizophrenics with a powerful and completely irrational hatred for Full Tilt Poker.
- While no knowledge of online poker is required we do expect that candidates will be able to recite the entire 1977 Guiness Book of records.

Please post your resume in the comments section below - closing date for applications 32nd Octember 2011 - Melted Felt is an equal opportunities employer, after all positive discrimination is as good a form of discrimination as any....


Saturday, 18 July 2009

Shock As Online Poker Tournament Records War Escalates

In an exclusive so shocking its hair caught fire, we bring you some senstional poker news this Saturday - of a serious escaltion of the poker
tournament world record attempt war.

Yes, dear Melted Felt readers, it all started when Led the Head (of Full Tilt), decided that his 5th anniverary of pissing off the half of his players by refusing to give them rakeback should be celebrated by virtually pissing on rival pokerstars tournament world record parade...

Stars of course decided not to take this laying down and immediately spent a big wad of cash ensuring that they spoil Full Tilt's party - and prove once and for all that when it comes to online poker tournament challenges, their e-penis is the biggest of all.

Well dear readers - the scoop we bring you today is that record poker tournament war has spread far and wide, with almost everybody who is anybody getting right into the imaginary record-breaking action, this includes:

- PaddyPower Poker: Are going for the world record online guiness, poker and onion Bhaji tournament - each 15 minute blind level requires players to consume a can of the black stuff and a tasty onion bhaji... the final table could well be a little messy.

- Party Poker: Are trying to beat their own record for placing players into the blinds consecutively as tables break during tournament play, the current record holder - Klaus Heimann from Hamburg, posted the blinds 17 times in a row during a $5 MTT on May the 15th 2009.

- Titan Poker: iPoker's premier site are going for a more subtle tournament world record, trying to beat the previous score of 2 hours and 17 minutes before any player on their site noticed that after limping pre-flop the 'fold' button completely disappears for the rest of the hand.

- Absolute Poker: This one is going to be tougher and Melted Felt will certainly be railing hard at AP this weekend as they try and completely smash the record of tournaments won by people who were not friends, relations or associates of Russ Hamilton. One 1 non-Hamilton victory would be required... and insider sources are quietly confident that this lofty goal is achievable within a 3 to 5 year timeframe.

Our sympathies go out to Cake Poker, whose attempt to bring some much-needed tournament-record basedpublicity were scuppered at the last minute when both of their regular tournament players decided to get away for the weekend. Still, should leave a nice big overlay in their Sunday showcase $3.50c guaranteed...


Thursday, 16 July 2009

Full Tilt World Record Attempt Runs Out Of Red Pros

In an exclusive that would never even consider shooting Russian human rights activists, we bring you the shocking news that Full Tilt Poker are going to
need alittle help with their world record attempt this weekend after running out of Red Pros.

The shock reversal in policy came at the 11th hour as the powers that be in the world's second largest poker site realized that they are more than 10 Red Pro's short of the 35,000 required to challenge Pokerstars for the world record of gathering while dressed in a gorilla suit, no, hang on, we mean't playing in a really long and boring online poker tournament in which you play 7 hours of no-foldem-holdem against clueless donkeys just to cash for $7.38c after a bad beat.

We spoke to Frank Harris, an imaginary Full Tilt spokesman who is also the current world record holder for balancing a banana on his nose, "We thought about getting some of our Team Full Tilt pros to have a crack at the record for the most forward rolls". began Frank, "but this came up against some laws-of-physics issues at the planning stage... According to the rules there are no available records concerning distance carrot chopping, the number of laptops hurled into a swimming pool or Mr Potato-Head lookalike contests - so we just nicked Stars idea instead".

Even after lowering the requirements for becoming a Red Pro to having won a $3 SNG or once watching half a Cardrunners video, the number was not quite enough - leading to the decision to open up registration to the 83 players on the site which are not currrently sponsored.

Those who can not afford the $5 entry fee can even satellite in using those otherwise completely fucking useless points - its on Sunday the 19th at 15:05 ET... check out Full Tilt Poker for more! (You Could Always Use Referral Code PBKLUB, We'd Appreciate It!)


Monday, 13 July 2009

Stars Add 'Berate Fish' Button

In an exclusive that brands rumors of pancreatic cancer to be American imperialist propaganda, we bring you some exciting news today of the latest imaginary upgrade to the Pokerstars software client - the 'Berate Fish' button.

Yes, dear Melted Felt readers, for so long losing small stakes players have had to make a serious effort to make the only opponents they have a financial edge over leave the table. Typing insults, questioning their plays and critisizing their hole-card selection was getting to be a distraction from the real goal of slowplaying black aces on 4-5-6 of heart flops and then tilting when the inevitable happens.

Pokerstars have always listened to the needs of their players - and the 'berate fish' button is as great as you would expect from the leading site. Not only does this button make the game less profitable by making the donating player leave - it does it in a fully automated way. Just one click on the new button will cause a query to hit the Stars back-end, identifying the player most likely to increase your stack of chips over the course of the session. Random critisism will then start to appear in the chat box including 'nice bet IMO', 'f ing calling station' and 'if you had a brain you'd be dangerous'...

If the losing opponent decides to stay (or answer back) the insults will get gradually more personal until they eventually leave. Next a big flashing sign will pop up saying, "Congratualations - You Have Successfully Reduced Your Profits For This Session'. Clicking the button again will locate the next biggest loser and start the process over again.

Sould be a real effort saver!


Friday, 10 July 2009

Winning Poker Tournaments - One Ear At A Time

Product Description:

Now you can get right into the Ear of world-famous poker pro Gus Hansen - and learn his secrets.


One of professional poker's most successful players and favorite target of forum posters who love to say 'not world class' - even though they cant tell a fish from a grinder at NL25 - Gus Hansen is known for his wild and fearless playing style as much as for his ears.

Being the only player ever to win 3 WPT tournaments, Hansen is in a unique position to offer aspiring tournament players insights into how he plays his ears. With plays from some of the biggest tournaments in the world analyzed you can take your poker game to the next level with Gus Hansen's 'Every Ear Revealed'

What You'll Learn:

- Extensive, yet easy to follow analysis of more than 300 ears played during the Aussie Millions...

- Radical, yet strangely logical methods behind Gus' play of ears which helped him win big piles of moolah.

- How to call large bets with seemingly unplayable ears.

- When to raise out of position with garbage lug-holes.

- How the tournament's prize structure should influence your ears.

And There's More!

Order today to find out some of pokers most coveted secrets - you can turbo charge your ears and watch those earnings take off... with our super saver delivery, you'll be hearing the posty arrive any day now! Only $12.99.

People Who Ordered This Book Also Bought:

- Ears: An Owner's Manual by Rod Moser (Paperback - Jan 1, 2003)
- Beginning Ear Training (Ear Training: Exercises) by Gilson Schachnik (Paperback - Sep 1, 2007)
- Ellsworth's Extraordinary Electric Ears and Other Amazing Alphabet Anecdotes by Valorie Fisher (Hardcover - Jun 1, 2003)



Wednesday, 8 July 2009

5th WSOP Entrants Staff Sweepstake - In A Row!

In an exclusive so shocking it is soon releasing its own operating system, we bring you the sensational news that World Series official Jeff
Bollock has won the staff 'guess the entrant numbers' sweepstake for the 5th year in a row- scooping over $1230 in the process.

Yes dear Melted Felt readers, each year the staff at Poker's premier event all put in $5 and take their pick of the number of entrants in the $10,000 NLHE 'Main Event' with the staff member closest the the exact number scooping the whole pot. In 2009 the pot was uncannily scooped for the 5th successive time by WSOP commissioner Jeff bollock - who correctly picked the exact number of 6,494 players.

Up to 500 angry poker players - who missed out on a seat this year - were apparently milling around the Rio looking for a chat box to type 'IMAO' or 'Retard' into, while Jeff B was busy counting his loot. Coming up with a great list of exuses why there could not be more tables, JB declined to play 10 handed, offer alternates, have a mini day 1E or simply put up more tables saying that this would be unfair on those who got the fuck out of bed on time and to shove your late registration button suggestions where the sun don't shine.

Melted Felt would like to personally congratualate Jeff on scooping the sweepstake pot for the 5th time in a row, and think that any suggestion of abuse of power or manipulation of the entrant numbers by Mr Bollock are just gripes and unsporting behavior from those who lost a fair game. We also think that having orphans, cripples, someones grandmother and a polio sufferer complete with iron lung join the back of the queue in time for the media to arrive was simply a publicity stunt put on my disgruntled internet poker pros.

Right, we are off to join Phil Ivey at the non-featured table...


Tuesday, 7 July 2009

Bodog Drop Tournament Guarantees

In an exclusive so sensational that it just reduced its stockpile of nukes by 1/3rd, Melted Felt can today bring you news of fury online - among people who were going to sign up for a Bodog account tomorrow.

Yes, dear Melted Felt readers - the site which is famous for being 100% Canadian-free recently dropped many of the juicy guaranteed prize pools associated with its scheduled poker tournaments. In one fell swoop going from the site famous for having 'tournament overlays that nobody could really be bothered to sign-up for', to 'the site that used to have tournament overlays that nobody could really be bothered to sign-up for'.

What the big B could not have anticipated was the FURY, VENOM, HATE, SCORN and people upping their post count by typing '+1' which has poured onto poker forums all over the interweb - from people who were just about to sign up for Bodog, tomorrow.

We caught up with Dave Schuman 19, from CA who was beside himself with anger at the way in which Bodog has insulted poker players with this removal of tourney guarantees. "I'm not going to sign-up for an account now, no-way, never, no-no-no", began Dave, "I was going to sign-up tomorrow too, and spend a fortune in rake, not any more - ohhhh nooooo".

Dave started to go purple with rage as he explained further. "I'm not the only one ya know - on my forum alone there are 100's of people who were going to sign-up tomorrow who will not do so now, worldwide there must be 1000's or even 10s of 1000's who would have signed up any day now but now have no intention anymore..." voice getting louder and more high pitched as he continued. "I've personally been about to sign-up tomorrow for over 18 months now, and this is how they treat me!!!, fuck you Bodog, those tournament guarantees were so fantastic and this is what you do to one of your most loyal non-players??!? I personally know people who have been meaning to sign-up tomorrow ever since you started the poker room you heartless fuckers!!".

We put an imaginary call in to Bodog to find out just why they have insulted so many people who were about to sign-up tomorrow for so many years, however the only person qualified to comment was too busy playing in an FTOPS satellite to answer our call.


Friday, 3 July 2009

Is Poker Forum Posting Becoming Harder?

In an exclusive that wishes you would respect its raises, Melted Felt readers will today be treated to some sensational news - that posting hand histories on poker forums is becoming harder.

A few years ago, pre 2006, when everyone could post Party Hand histories, poker forum life was easy - you just put $50 into your account and were sent a money printing licence in return. Any tricky hands or situations could be posted on a number of friendly and congenial poker forums, where well meaning but non-thinking sheep would be happy to tell you what was 'standard' for your particular community.

That was then, what about 2009 - is poker forum posting becoming harder?

Well dear Melted Felt readers, danger now lurks behind every cry for assistance, strategy insight and seemingly innocent 'line check please' request... here is what would-be poker forum players have to watch out for.

The Strategy "Check", with Sharkscope "Reraise": Here a request for advice is posted, and advice is willingly offered, the original poster then queries not only the advice, but the credentials of the person offering it - often with accompanying sharkscope graph. The 'Please help' --> "How the fuck dare you offer someone as great as me advice you retarded moron' line has reared its head again.... The best strategy here is to immediately fold your posting hand, however mathematically cast-iron your insights into the hand the original poster will not listen.

The Badbeat Story in Sheeps Clothing: Looks like a strategy post, until you realize that it is just a sad and sorry example of someone getting their money in good and losing the hand, again. Well meaning players of the forum poker game will vainly attempt to explain to the poster that the whole idea of poker is to get your money in good... and that results are just the short-term noise. Don't waste your time here, these posters are not only convinved that they would be rich as fuck if only their luck was 'average', they probably believe in rigged RNGs, the cash out curse and the ability to 'soul read' while multitabling online PLO8 too.

The String-o-Donks: This is a particularly tricky online forum play in which posters will give a small number of hand histories which demonstrate that their opponents are making terrible mistakes and then getting lucky. They will use this to demonstrate that it is impossible to play 'well' against said donks and (they believe) subtly seek that the particular forum community agree that they should move up levels where their clearly superior hand reading, bet sizing and, erm, slowplaying skills could earn them a fortune. Don't try arguing that you need to be able to beat the bad players first, don't argue that the bad guys will bring you more profit if you adjust well... just don't argue at all - let the string-o-donks poster move on up and play against better players (they'll be back with a badbeat in sheeps clothing next week and busto the week after!).

The Normalness Of My Downswing: How god-damn normal is this I ask you?? 20 buy-ins, 10 buy-ins, 50 big bets - whatever... these posters are certainly confused about the nature of variance in the beautiful game - and are looking for a little comfort, a virtual cuddle, in the form of 'you are great, just those donks again'. What confuses us is why all the losing players never ask about the normalness of their good runs? Now, they are not assuming that 50% ROI in SNGs or 25 PTBB/100 is 'normal' in the first place right.....right??

Our conclusion - forum poker is indeed becoming harder, and we blame those nasty evil losing recreational players who actually keep the online poker economy alive... rather than the losing 'great players' who have no idea how fucking stupid they look when they berate these very cash-cows in the online poker chat boxes...


Wednesday, 1 July 2009

Russia Closes Casinos - Threatens West with Short-Stackers Pipeline

In an item so shocking that only one small child survived reading it, we bring you news that the Russians have closed down every casino in every city... and may now have their sites set on online gaming to. We immediately dispatched the Melted Felt Mole in the very heart of the KGB to bring you this sensational scoop.

Yes, dear Melted Felt reader - things in the land of the Bear are not quite as they seem. With millions enjoying a gamble on the routlette wheel, the blackjack table and the international gas futures markets every week it would be harsh to close down all the casinos at once, and may even be counter-productive as these games move 'underground' away from the government-lead organized crime and into the realm of the (very slightly worse) non-government organized crime.

What the World's press have missed is that the Ruskie government have formed 'DONKPROM' a special company that will nationalise all gambling ventures under one completely and utterly corrupt organizaion - and then deny it. The idea being that by closing down the casinos and issuing gambling licences only for the furthest reaches of Siberia - these businesses could be brought for a knock down price and then the legislation coincidentally altered back to allow gambling once again.

But, as they say in sales, that is not all!

We understand that the big cheekboned vodka drinkers are also planning to nationalize their online poker playing abilities. Currently 1000's of Russian small-stakes short-stackers travel to European sites such as Party and Titan via a pipeline through the Ukraine. With international relations tense, the Russian government are threatening to switch of this lucrative supply off table-number-increasing nits unless rakeback is made available immediately, and directly to the representatives of DONKPROM rather than to the players themselves.

For those poker sites not able to electronically transfer to the former Soviets, cash payments in plain brown envelopes are being accepted at a number of well known football clubs throughout Europe.


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