Wednesday, 1 July 2009

Russia Closes Casinos - Threatens West with Short-Stackers Pipeline

In an item so shocking that only one small child survived reading it, we bring you news that the Russians have closed down every casino in every city... and may now have their sites set on online gaming to. We immediately dispatched the Melted Felt Mole in the very heart of the KGB to bring you this sensational scoop.

Yes, dear Melted Felt reader - things in the land of the Bear are not quite as they seem. With millions enjoying a gamble on the routlette wheel, the blackjack table and the international gas futures markets every week it would be harsh to close down all the casinos at once, and may even be counter-productive as these games move 'underground' away from the government-lead organized crime and into the realm of the (very slightly worse) non-government organized crime.

What the World's press have missed is that the Ruskie government have formed 'DONKPROM' a special company that will nationalise all gambling ventures under one completely and utterly corrupt organizaion - and then deny it. The idea being that by closing down the casinos and issuing gambling licences only for the furthest reaches of Siberia - these businesses could be brought for a knock down price and then the legislation coincidentally altered back to allow gambling once again.

But, as they say in sales, that is not all!

We understand that the big cheekboned vodka drinkers are also planning to nationalize their online poker playing abilities. Currently 1000's of Russian small-stakes short-stackers travel to European sites such as Party and Titan via a pipeline through the Ukraine. With international relations tense, the Russian government are threatening to switch of this lucrative supply off table-number-increasing nits unless rakeback is made available immediately, and directly to the representatives of DONKPROM rather than to the players themselves.

For those poker sites not able to electronically transfer to the former Soviets, cash payments in plain brown envelopes are being accepted at a number of well known football clubs throughout Europe.


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