Monday, 20 July 2009

Stars Record Success Leads To Creation Of New Post

Exclusive job-creation poker news today, Dear Melted Felt readers - as we emplore you to compile a list of exaggerations, falsehoods and downright lies and then entitle it 'Resume'. After Pokerstars huge weekend coup, in which they climbed a imaginary stepladder, took down their virtual trousers... and shat right on Full Tilt Poker's 5th birthday party's head by whipping them at world record poker tournament attempts - we have learned that Stars are to create an imaginary brand new and permanent position within their organisation - vacancy details below:

Vacancy: Leading Poker Site Operator Require Head Of Spoiling Parties.

Our prestigeous poker site operator client are looking to fill a vacancy for 'Head of Spoiling Parties' at their high-tech Isle of Man HQ. With 6-figure salary on offer we expect to receive applications only from the creme of the party spoiling community and will be offering a package of benefits to reflect the seniority of the role, including a very big chair and invitations to attend meetings.

Roles And Responsibilities:

- Proactively Identify Parties And Special Occasions To Cruelly Spoil Within Poker Genre
- Hire, Coach And Lead A Team Of Specialists And Support Staff In Planning And Execution Of Spoiling Tactics To Agreed SLAs
- Responsibility To Ensure Budget Expenditure Matches With Laughs Given To Executive Team

Experience / Education Required:

- We are looking for a demonstrable track record of spoiling parties from an early age. Preference will be given to candidates who can prove they made their kindergarten friends cry by blowing out their birthday candles, shat in the pool at junior aqua parties, snogged the hosts boy / girlfriend at High-school parties and vomitted all over their hosts tux's before 10PM at multiple 21sts.
- Sociopaths are most welcome, as are paranoid schizophrenics with a powerful and completely irrational hatred for Full Tilt Poker.
- While no knowledge of online poker is required we do expect that candidates will be able to recite the entire 1977 Guiness Book of records.

Please post your resume in the comments section below - closing date for applications 32nd Octember 2011 - Melted Felt is an equal opportunities employer, after all positive discrimination is as good a form of discrimination as any....

MF

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