Friday, 28 August 2009

Canuk Joy At Boghog Opportunity

Spreading the joy and indifference this Friday, dear Melted Felt readers, as we bring you the sensational news that Canadian poker fans can now join the rest of the world in not really giving much of a sh1t about Boghog Poker.

For years and years, an ancient Inuit laws involving rake from whale-hunts prevented Boghog allowing Canadian players to enter their 1980's themed virtual poker room. Now that these legal obstactles have been removed, the site that was created by a bloke who came from the icy North will now allow those very Canadians who were barred to not really bother to play there, much.

We spoke to Olson McMolson, a Polar-bear farmer from Toronto and avid fan of micro-limit SNGs about the exciting news. "Canadians have always felt a little p1ssed about not being allowed to play there." Olson started, "I mean, it was started by a Canadian after all." Continuing, "We are very happy that we can now join the majority of the poker playing world in not really giving a sh1t about Boghog, happy that we could play there if we wanted - its pretty cool that we can now join our American cousins in shrugging, looking blank and showing the palms of our hands whenever Boghog is mentioned."

The Melted Felt statistics department got onto the case immediately, using the latest in multiple-regression analyses to work out that as many as 9 Candian players could grace the Boghog Poker tables by the end of the week - and that there is a 17.3% probability of at least 1 of them going back twice...


Wednesday, 26 August 2009

South African Athletics Federation Request Dwan Test

In an exclusive of indeterminate gender, dear Melted Felt readers, we bring you a shocking story from the highly charged world of running around in circles. After a recent scandal in which the gender of womens 800 meters champion Caster-oil Semen was questioned for having no tits and a beard... we understand that the Durrrr challenge has been sensationally halted.

Yes, the South African Athletics Federation have filed an imaginary complaint, suggesting that Tom Dwan's real name is Lilly and that by their standards 'he don't look like no real man faw shu'.

It started with extensive research in their athletics lab in which Dwan's running style was analyzed. The slight outward flick of each leg and 'pupeteer' like hand movements certainly looked female to the judges. Next voice technology and hat-testing software confirmed that Dwan was at least an octave above your average male. Finally a photo of Tom was shown to a random sample of men in one of South Africa's largest townships - some 92% of the men questions said they would marry Tom immediately and hoped they would be able to have a large and healthy family together... with a long queue forming at the voting booth by 11am.

In an effort to explain the Dwan camp have issued a short statement saying that the 3 times higher levels of Oestrogen in his blood stream can be easily explained and that Lilly, erm, no, we mean 'Tom' would do just that as soon as he gets back from a trip to the ladies restroom...


Thursday, 20 August 2009

Global Search Continues For Someone Who Understands A Single Word Of Poker $ Siezure Warrant

No stone is being left unturned, dear Melted Felt readers, as the entire world's every nook, cranny and dark, damp corner is being searched - for someone who can actually read the 'unsealed' indictment used to sieze $30 million from innocent online poker operators who are kind to small animals and seniors.

Of course, the fact that nobody can understand a fucking word of it has not stopped just about every poker journalist in the world writing in-depth articles full of big words, legal terminology and earnest-sounding predictions. Alas, Melted Felt begs to differ from the crowd, instead of sending you to sleep by bluffing our way through, we'd like to know what the fuck is going on too...

With many Harvard law-graduates completely baffled by the fact that so many lines had been crossed out with a large green crayola, it seems that articles all over the web have instead focused on the 3 little bits they do understand. Pokerstars, Full Tilt and some guy nobody has ever heard of before from Canada who is probably very, very rich.

So, dear Melted Felt readers - can you help in out global search to find someone with more to say that..."Its soooooo unfaiiiiirrr"?? Will a mere $30 million even been noticed by the cash-cows of PokerTilt and FullStars??? Canada, Is that actually a real country anyway? What is it for? Are Elk poisonous? Why is there no French-Canadian word for 'entrepreneur'?


Tuesday, 18 August 2009

Internet Loser In Near-Miss With Enlightenment

We are back, dear Melted Felt readers, with a shocking tale of just one small cog in the global machine that is the internet poker business. Today we bring you the take of Dave Heverstock, from Toronto, CA... who almost 'got it', for a few seconds at least, before it got away.

When Dave started with a $100 deposit he did not know much about the game, what-beat-what and the fact that if you missed your flush you had to bluff all-in, since only a moron would call you with 2 pair when you are 'obviously' respresenting tips.

After $100 more Dave started to realize that he was in fact very talented, in fact better than 99% of the fucking donks he was playing against. $100 number #3 and there was a moment of revalation, not really much like Moses on the Hill - it actually bore more similarity to realizing that you just called your girlfriend the wrong name while having sex, and you now have exactly 1 second before she mentally processes the words and the BIG trouble begins.. this revalation assured Dave he was extremely good - and that all that was required for him to be a balla poker hero was 'average luck'.

It was the 4th $100 in which doubts started to creep in, could it be true that lose limped aces were cracked again in a 5-way 4-straight 3-flush board with all the money going in on the river? It just was not right. Oh yeah, Dave was skilled alright, though a little unlucky, the reason he was losing was simply due to the 'doomswitch' being on when he played online.

While playing his 5th $100 deposit, Dave googled a little (after all, being that much better at the game meant that watching opponent tendencies was worthless) and found that there were a lot of people who felt the same way - proof, as if proof were needed (and actually it was not).

It was during his 6th deposit that the near miss occured. Dave was slowly losing his cash as usual when the tought suddenly crossed his mind that maybe he is not that good after all, and some education or study might help him become a winning player over the long run.

He went to Google with the sole intention of typing in 'how to get better at poker', accidentally came across a thread about how Random Number Generators were rigged to give a higher percentage of action flops, started to blame the sheer amount of donks who it was impossible to beat and then posted an entirely predictable and uninteresting bad-beat -justifying his hideous play with, "well, I'm very comfortable playing post-flop at these levels'.

Ah Dave, we wish you the best of luck with your 14th deposit... and look forward to all the 14 year olds dropping comments on this post with 'but, but it is rigged... my friend had aces cracked 4 times in a row last week"


PS: We have sent the MF Mole to scour the world of poker news for more exclusive scoops this week... bookmark us today!

Tuesday, 11 August 2009

Sunshine Threat To UK's Poker In The Park Attendance

This weekend the annual 'Poker In The Park' event will be held in London's Lye-ceester Square, Dear Melted Felt Readers. With freerollaments, t-shirt giveaways and D-List poker celebrities it promises to be fun for all the family.

However the Melted Felt Mole has tipped us off that the organisers are very worried, a freak weather sytem somewhere close to Norway looks likely to threaten Sunshine on the big day, something that only happens in London once every 47 years - and a major headache, since almost all of the target audience of poker players are too pale to venture out in the daytime sun uncovered.

Many options were considered ahead of the big day - which features a special Jamie Gold charity tournament to try and raise funds to buy the alledgedly now broke biggest tournament prize-winner of all time a new pair of shoes. Blankets were rejected as not being 'balla' enough, the idea of wearing sunglasses while outside was laughed at by poker playing potential attendees - and changing the start time to after sundown was no good either, as this clashed with the nightly $5 re-buy.

In the end good old British innovation came up with the goods - specially designed shoe-boxes which the attendees can wear over their heads. There is a 'monitor size' hole cut out of the front in which players can see the action, a (selectable) photo of you favorite poker pro to mimic the poster on your dorm wall, and the special scent of stale beer, mouldy coffee dregs and half chewed pizza to mimic that dorm feeling.

What is more it is hoped that the 'monitor view' headgear will prevent some of the rather unfortunate shock caused when some online players came face-to-face with genuine female promo staff in last years event for the first time, though councillors are on hand just in case


Thursday, 6 August 2009

Pokerstars Introduce Better Synchronised Breaks

Online Poker is competative, dear Melted Felt readers, not just for the players but for the poker sites themselves - who are always trying to grab more players from the opposition to improve their bottom line. When Full Tilt introduced synchronised breaks for their multi-table tournament players, the praise was universal - with tournament grinders worldwide disgarding their piss-bottles with glee.

Now Pokerstars have gone one better, with all-improved superior synchronised breaks.

While the Full Tilt and Stars breaks both start at 5 minutes to each hour and both last 5 minutes, the difference is apparent as soon as the break begins - according to our imaginary contact Ben Madson, head of nicking other peoples good ideas at Pokerstars. "There is a tangible difference in the quality of the break tournament players will receive at Pokerstars" ben began, 'Each minute feels like a luxuary package in its own right, tired eyes feel like they have received cooling camamile eye-drops, mouse fingers feel they have been gently stroked by a furry kitten and tense shoulders like they have been caressed by a fully trained Swedish masseur"

"Compare this to Full Tilt's overlapping synchronised breakets" spat Ben, "barely time to pop out for a sh1t, smoke half a wet ciggy and *boom* you already missed aces because you ran back, tripped over the dog and split your head open on that corner of a bookcase you have been meaning to cover for months now".

Well, we have to admit Stars seem to have done a great job, wonder what is coming next??


Tuesday, 4 August 2009

Devilfish To Launch Branded Age-Reversal Products?

Yes, dear Melted Felt readers, we are happy to be bringing you another fabricated poker exclusive which starts 'Yes, dear Melted Felt readers...". This one is so sensational it was almost put into tiny jars and sold for $1000's - as we reveal that none other than Dave 'Devilfish' Ulliot may be planning to launch a whole range of anti-aging products aimed at the 'more mature' male poker player market.

For years and years having big piles of cash were enough for even the oldest, ugliest shambles of a man with bad breath and a limp to get a stunning young blonde on his arm. No longer is this the case, the plastically enhanced yet IQ Challenged young ladies of today are far more descerning, requiring their lard-like escorts to have features including hair and (some) teeth...

This is where the imaginary patented 'Devilfish Beautifying Compounds' come in, made from the pure hearts of fluffy little newborn kittens, the compunds make any middle-aged poker player look younger without having to resort to hanging age-exchanging oil-paintings or swimming with strange alien pods. They actually come with a guarantee that other old people will believe you look just like a hip street-savvy teen - even if you are a popular poker author with a grey beard and big glasses.

We asked an insider about the effectiveness of the compounds in attracting young ladies, especially those who are already attached at the time. Though not public information yet, it turns out that chemists, molecular biologists and celebrity chefs worldwide are currently hard at work developing a 'Mark Voss' Girfriend' strength product... or something.


Monday, 3 August 2009

Durrrr challenge To Be Televised??

Yes, dear Melted Felt readers, it is true - watching paint dry has never been more fun. These 'heady' summer days spent lounging in between the WSOP-9 and Pokerstars finally getting round to synchronising their breaks would have been perfect for watching the flip-flip-flop of the high stakes Durrrr challenge... if only it would run.

Exuses vary, one minute Dwan's appointment at a special school designed to teach basic social skills is alledgedly in the way, next it is Antonius holding things up with an extended trip to the hairdressers. In the time in takes for 1000 'build my bankroll from $50 to $5000' blog challenges to fizzle into cries of 'rigged', we have seen precisely fvck all action at those challenge tables.

Fear not, dearest readers, there is a silver lining in every cloud - and it appears that the Durrrr Challenge has just passed that threshold of boredom which means that non-premium sports channels worldwide have decided to put chewed biros to yellowing contracts.

No more of that cross country skiing with a shooting round in the middle (whatever the hell that was about in the first place?), we will now be able to watch raise, pot-reraise, re-pot, call, pot, re-pot, re-re-pot all-in instead. No more Curling, replays of 1980's UEFA cup soccer quarter-finals or 20 minute long trailers showing the same old fast-edit home-runs... nope, now we can watch Durrrr sit out instead.

In order to prevent things becoming too exciting, the sport channels have decided to ensure that no more than 5 minutes of content is seem before elongated advert breaks during which stupid people will get the opportunity to lose their houses by securing loans that they could previously have walked away from on them...


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