Tuesday, 4 August 2009

Devilfish To Launch Branded Age-Reversal Products?

Yes, dear Melted Felt readers, we are happy to be bringing you another fabricated poker exclusive which starts 'Yes, dear Melted Felt readers...". This one is so sensational it was almost put into tiny jars and sold for $1000's - as we reveal that none other than Dave 'Devilfish' Ulliot may be planning to launch a whole range of anti-aging products aimed at the 'more mature' male poker player market.

For years and years having big piles of cash were enough for even the oldest, ugliest shambles of a man with bad breath and a limp to get a stunning young blonde on his arm. No longer is this the case, the plastically enhanced yet IQ Challenged young ladies of today are far more descerning, requiring their lard-like escorts to have features including hair and (some) teeth...

This is where the imaginary patented 'Devilfish Beautifying Compounds' come in, made from the pure hearts of fluffy little newborn kittens, the compunds make any middle-aged poker player look younger without having to resort to hanging age-exchanging oil-paintings or swimming with strange alien pods. They actually come with a guarantee that other old people will believe you look just like a hip street-savvy teen - even if you are a popular poker author with a grey beard and big glasses.

We asked an insider about the effectiveness of the compounds in attracting young ladies, especially those who are already attached at the time. Though not public information yet, it turns out that chemists, molecular biologists and celebrity chefs worldwide are currently hard at work developing a 'Mark Voss' Girfriend' strength product... or something.


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Whilst his products may not be aimed at my age-rnage I can't wait to see them, afterall, they've done miracles for his "hair!"

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