Wednesday, 26 August 2009

South African Athletics Federation Request Dwan Test

In an exclusive of indeterminate gender, dear Melted Felt readers, we bring you a shocking story from the highly charged world of running around in circles. After a recent scandal in which the gender of womens 800 meters champion Caster-oil Semen was questioned for having no tits and a beard... we understand that the Durrrr challenge has been sensationally halted.

Yes, the South African Athletics Federation have filed an imaginary complaint, suggesting that Tom Dwan's real name is Lilly and that by their standards 'he don't look like no real man faw shu'.

It started with extensive research in their athletics lab in which Dwan's running style was analyzed. The slight outward flick of each leg and 'pupeteer' like hand movements certainly looked female to the judges. Next voice technology and hat-testing software confirmed that Dwan was at least an octave above your average male. Finally a photo of Tom was shown to a random sample of men in one of South Africa's largest townships - some 92% of the men questions said they would marry Tom immediately and hoped they would be able to have a large and healthy family together... with a long queue forming at the voting booth by 11am.

In an effort to explain the Dwan camp have issued a short statement saying that the 3 times higher levels of Oestrogen in his blood stream can be easily explained and that Lilly, erm, no, we mean 'Tom' would do just that as soon as he gets back from a trip to the ladies restroom...


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