Thursday, 29 October 2009

Poker Public Service Announcement: Please Folks, Do Not Tap The Glass

Even the most shocking exclusives become just another tale of glory after a few days, Dear Melted Felt readers, which is why we bring you a public service announcement today designed to make your play - whether live or online - that 'lill bit more profitable.

'Tapping The Glass' is a reference to fishtanks - and of course a fish at a poker table is someone who is donating his money to the game, in most people's eyes a very welcome player. Tapping the glass thus refers to alerting fish that their play may be less than optimal, usually by insulting them, their mothers, the genetic diversity of their close family and theatening their pets with diabolical torture (though not necessarily the pet torture part) . This then triggers behavior in which leads the fish to discover 'poker strategy', learn and stop being a fish... which is bad.

Now, most players will already know that a flush - that is 5 cards of the same suit - beat a pair of aces. However, if you come across some random fish who does not yet have this knowledge, and is willing to muck in a million-chip pot in the later stages of the world's biggest poker tournament with a flush - after seeing that their opponent did indeed pair the top card, then we urge you to keep quiet... for the long term profitability of the game.

Whether you are some spotty teen who plays freerolls on your moms computer, or a worldwide poker news portal with readers measured in the hundreds of thousands - please please do not post youtube videos which might be forwarded by a friend of the fish in question. Please do not bump a discussion thread which is alread 10 pages long and please please do not blog about it at all.

Poker is hard enough already folks - there really is no need to 'tap the glass.'


Wednesday, 28 October 2009

Durrrr Challenge: Moderately Sized Electricity Bill Goes Unpaid

Yes dear Melted Felt readers, the poker world was last night embroiled in controversy, fighting tooth and nail and posting slightly ambiguous messages about itself on popular poker forums. "Why??" I hear the legions of loyal MF fans ask in time-zone distributed unison... well, read on.

We can share the shocking news that the last person on Planet Earth who was following the painfully slow progress of the Durrrr Challenge actually forgot to turn off the light on their way out... running up a moderate size electricity bill which has now reached final demand stage.

Full Tilt, as hosts of the ingloriously dull challenge, did not refuse to pay outright. Instead forwarding our account details and payment request to a 3rd party affiliate and assuring us that we are now on 'the list' to receive 27% of our electricity bill payments back - while acknowledging that brand new players can get utility rebates straight away with no questions asked.

Partrik Antonious was far too busy slating ginger short-stackers in interviews to even discuss payment of the bill, and Dwan himself had apparently never even heard of 'bills', having come straight from his daddies pocket to millionaire poker player status without that annoying thing called 'real life' getting in the way at any stage....

Well, there is a coincidence - the challenge is actually running while we bring you this news item... so instead of getting into that innane debate about whether the challenge actually exits if nobody is there to watch it, we are off to watch a fresh coat of paint oh so slowly dry.


Sunday, 25 October 2009

While You Are Playing Poker... There Are Many Other Games Being Played!

Every now and again, Dearest Melted Felt readers, we like to gently prod the soft and oh-so-very white underbelly of online poker to bring you a shocking and gritty tale from those virtual tables. What many players concentrating on playing the beautiful game of poker with its many levels of thinking fail to realize, is that there are in fact many other games being played while you wrinkle that forehead over your next move.... today we look at just 5 of these 'other games' your opponents may be playing. If you spot one being played while online simply type, "Melted Felt!!" into the chat box then follow it quickly with "sry, wrong window".

So without any further preamble: 5 'Other Games' Being Played While You Play Poker!

1) Za-Nuttiest-Nuts: This is a favorite among low stakes PLO Players, it involves limping into every pot and trying to make the nuts on the flop often folding to a min-bet if they miss. The great thing about the game of making the nuttiest nuts is that you can make lots of money from people who do not understand the game, and think that their 2nd nuttiest nut hand is worth betting their stack on.

2) Tricked'Ya! A Great poker sub-game in which players deliberately play their hands in such a way as to make far less profit over time in order to check-mini-raise and opponent on a later street... they'll feel proud, talented and oh so very smart when you find out they hand a monster all along... though will reload their cash account extrememly often.

3) Told You So! While it sometimes seems like it is the majority of poker players who believe that they are talented but just unlucky, players of the 'Told You So' sub-game are at an extreme... rather than assess weaknesses in individual opponents to exploit with their play, they are looking for any evidence of hands winning which were not statistically favored pre-flop... an Ace-Jack spikes against an Ace-King and it is 'Told You So!!" time, where the boring sh1t goes on and on and on and on about site X being a joke and generally demonstrates they have no understanding of the concept of 30% or 20% or whatever-other-fucking-percent.

4) Pimp-Daddy-Cool! A great sub-game, and popular one too, is especially reserved for the lowest levels of tournaments and Sit N Goes. A player will make a strategy comment and meet little resitance, followed by a jab at an opponents bad play, followed by winning a big pot... at this point *boom* they transform into the 'king of the $3 tournament' showing those damn fish who is the daddy round here, utterly oblivious to the fact that speaking like 'the big man' in a micro-level game is, well, lets just say completely fucking daft and leave it at that.

5) 20% Off! Our final game is unfortunately also common, you'll be playing at a table at which one or two opponents are merrily donating cash and someone will decide that it is time to make this table less profitable - for themselves and everyone else.. up to 20% less profitable in fact. This is usually achieved by critisizing and berating the bad player until they leave... the (dumb-ass) players of this game then crow into the chat box, often actually believing that they are really very smart. In reality of course this is one of the most stupid things you could do at a poker table, but alas the players of 20% Off! are usually broke before the penny actually drops!

We are sure this is just a small sample of the sub-games going on right now - if you can think of any then let us know!


Tuesday, 20 October 2009

Prahlad Friedman Accidentially Accuses Himself Of Multi-Accounting

Shocks come thick and fast in the high octane world of sitting comfortably in your chair at a virtual card table, dear Melted Felt readers. Today we bring you an exclusive so unbelievable, you'll wonder why they ever took the word 'gullible' out of the dictionary in the first place.

Yes - Prahlad 'Spirit Rock' Friedman, the talented high-stakes pro, has accidentially accused himself of multi-accounting... and then found himself shocked and bemused when his other-self started arguing back in the UB chat box.

As if accusing Tom Dwan, Patrik Antonious and Phil Galfond of all playing under the screen name 'TeddyKGB' was not enough, the accusuation of himself went further than just playing heads-up no limit holdem. We can exclusively reveal the imaginary news that Freidman accused his relection of stealing his razor during his morning shave, shouted at his left foot for trying to run off with one of his favorite sneakers and almost had a punch-up with his shadow who he accused of looking the wrong way at his girlfriend's ass.

According to sources close to Friedman, the problem was not so much playing against himself, it was the fact that he was not really sure which self he was playing against. To put it in more concrete terms, some selves would require an insta-call with those aces, while for other selves a clear fold is in order... well, have you ever tried to make a play based on game-flow when you are not even sure which other self you are playing?


Friday, 16 October 2009

Shock As Doyle Brands Poker TV Shows Embarrassing

Veteran poker player and wearer of big hats Doyle Brunson has sensationally slammed the latest round of TV reality type shows in his blog, dear Melted Felt readers. Branding the likes of 2 months 2 million, the Million Dollar Poker Show and Big Hats Weekly an EMBARRASSMENT!! (erm, not big hats weekly - ED).

As usual we go deeper, uncovering more of the news than our wafer-thin mint rivals and bringing you the whole story - not just a one-line soundbite.

Yes, dear readers, sources close to the big man of poker have confided in us that Doyle firmly believes all poker shows should be in black and white... branding the technicolor of today's shows far to bright and garish for comfortable, slipper-wearing viewing. With participants in these shows often not looking directly at the camera and never addressing the audience in formal tones - it is apparently rather hard to follow the plot.

In fact the poker legend whose recent recognition for sporting achievements 50 years ago was absolutely nothing to do with his big piles of money or celebrity status allegedly suggested that poker TV could be vastly improved by doing away with the sound too. Suggesting instead that a cheeky chappy in baggy pants and a jacket with white gloves and a cane would be perfect for leading the audience through the different stages of poker tournaments - and that placards with decorated edges could be displayed to explain the nuances of the action between hands, possibly with a rag-time piano tune playing in the background.

Doyle did not stop there in his angry and sensational tirade against the recently graduated wanna-be producers who are creating such poker TRASH on previously sensible family-friendly networks. A good old-fashioned trip to the cinema, or even better, a Magic Lantern poker sequence has been called for - to delight and amaze the audience with flickering approximations of movement.

At this point we understand Doyle started to call for Buffalo Bills Wild West Show to be restarted, with the suits and rank of cards painted on the side of horses... we will have to bring you the details another time dear readers... the next episode of The Million Dollar Poker Show is about to start...


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Thursday, 15 October 2009

Nits, Donkeys And Fish File Class Action Lawsuit Against 2+2

Legal beagles, eagles and smeagols are rubbing their fat fingers together today, dear Melted Felt readers. The reason? A class action lawsuit filed against 2+2, publishers of gambling books and owners of the worlds biggest and angriest poker forum community.

Citing repeated deformation of character, the suit is being bought by a small sample of the affected creatures including 7 million nits, 37 fresh and saltwater fish and a donkey known as 'Jeffry'. Being critized, abused and flamed every single day by posters old and new on 2+2 was just too much in the end - leading to the legal battle which will see the 7,000,038 individuals claim for more than 55 Million Sklansky dollars in compensation.

We spoke to Irene Davey, a school nit-nurse from the twin cities area, who - after establishing that we had eaten all of our greens, washed behind our ears and were not chewing any gum - gave us the lowdown on the upcoming legal battle.

"Nits are very mis-understood 'lill fellas, " began Irene, shifting a stray roll of belly-fat into a more comfortable position before going on, "while the average infested head can contain up to 63,000,000 of them, they are very much individuals - with their own quirks and cutesy little personality traits," continued Irene "yet day-in day-out the 2+2ers are 'fucking nit-this' 'bastard-fish that'. it was about time someone made a stand - and I don't mean just by posting an upward sloping poker tracker graph either."

We next put it to Jeffry the Donkey that they were using the sheer force of numbers of head-lice to pressure 2+2 into an out of court settlement - rather than let the case become a precident for several hundred billion other nits and countless billions of fish. Well being alledgedly bad at poker was not quite enough here, Jeffry obviously did not understand a single word and carried on contentedly munching a carrot... uncannily similar to what the vast majority of the angry young men posting on 2+2 today will be doing 6 to 9 months after they start their 'poker careers' really...


Tuesday, 13 October 2009

Search Begins As Pokerstars Disappears Up Its Own Ass

Shocking is hardly the word, dear Melted Felt readers, to describe the indignation, the fury and the sense of helplessness brought about yesterday as Stars blinded away players in $2 SNGs, froze $5 MTTs and folded hands just about to be cunningly check-raised in cash games.

Yesterday Pokerstars became so big, alledgedly so arrogant and so far detached from the reality of the 'little guys' that it actually completely disappeared up its own asshole... and while Full Tilt enjoyed near-record traffic for a short (and oh so sooo sweet) while, a desperate search and rescue mission was initiated.

Hamsters were equipped with mini-scuba gear, the 'thwack' of latex glove was swiftly followed by the 'pok' of vaselene jars being hurridly opened... x-ray machines came visibly juddering to life, scopes were scoped and sonar imaging tools were carefully finger-tip checked.

No, dear readers, no stool was to left unturned while a statistically unlikely sample of players described to bored loved ones how they just flopped a royal flush before being timed out, paced up and down wondering what non-poker players would do with an evening, and took the opportunity to randomly insult people genuinely asking for help with their game on poker forums.

Fortunately this news item has a happy ending, Stars were fairly quickly retrieved from their own asshole when someone came up with the bright idea of waving a big wad of cash next to the chocolate starfish in question... Even happier news for the Bulgarian, erm, 'computer enthusiast' team who were incredibly the only players not disconnected, Melted Felt would like to personally congratulate you on those 217 tournament victories yesterday.


Thursday, 8 October 2009

French Legislate To Open Gambling Market, Allow Fold Buttons

News from the land of garlic-munching surrender-monkeys today, dear Melted Felt readers, as the French government legislate for a menage-a-trois of online poker, french players and high as fuck taxes in a bid to keep their ever road block ready union chiefs fully paid.

Yes, while those good people still in possession of mouse-fingers after Agincourt click away illegally, the government are coming into line with the EU, and filling their boots with some tax revenues at the same time.

But, unreported in certain - shall we say shallow - publications the piece of legislation in question also includes a clause which could revolutionise the way online poker is played by the citizens of France. Yes, dear Melted Felt readers, later this year could see the French able to fold a hand after the flop... an ability strictly prohibited at the moment regardless of their holding, the betting and indeed the texture of the flop itself.

We understand the French law dating back to Louis the 16th mandating that ace-rag be raised from any position was considered too ingrained in the national psyche to legislate against on this occasion.

Stay tuned dear readers, we'll bring you the latest just as soon as the stripey-topped onion seller cycles over to let us know...


Wednesday, 7 October 2009

FullFlush Banned From EPT - Our Sandwich Psychologist Speaks

While the news that Poker's Hardman Luke 'FullFlush' Schwartz has been banned from the EPT and Grosvenor Casino chain in the UK for stealing a sandwich may have made headlines on certain other poker news sites... we think that the discerning Melted Felt reader would enjoy something a little more in-depth.

Yes, dear Melted Felt Readers, we have brought in world famous sandwich psychologist Dr S.P Read to tie in the personality traits behind the big poker names choice of bread-based light lunch.

We started by asking Dr Read about Schwartz' choice of a plain cheese and cucumber sandwich on white. "A fascinating selection" began Dr Read, "to me this harkens back to Luke's early days, to the inherent contradiction between his self-image as a hardman and the reality of creeping around at night wearing a hooded top and spraying sh1tty tags on other peoples property" continuing, "had it been cheese with pickle we might have brought in the lack of a role-model in those crucial teen years - something which could explain why he seems to still think 'being tough' is important at 25, a full 10 years after most people stop giving a flying fuck"

Moving on we asked Dr Read about his observations of Annette Obrestad's imaginary sandwich munching during the EPT event, "Well, choosing the fish seemed natural at first - after all Norway have a long sea-faring tradition, when she also chose the ham salad this started to show a more balanced, yet fundamentally insecure aspect of her personality" Dr Read Paused, before continuing " Selecting the cheese and egg, then the salami, chicken tikka, beef and horseradish, then the BLT and finally the 'all-day breakfast in a roll' got me to the post-Freudian desire to control the world by showing tight discipline with both small pocket pairs and bowel movements - it also reminded me that you don't lose that puppy fat by twittering bitchy insults about your fellow players, do we now??"

Finally we asked Dr S.P Read about Daniel Negreanu's made-up selection of free-range goats cheese with organic walnuts and wild rocket salad, the reply was a very simple one - "poof".


Monday, 5 October 2009

Full Tilt Sued By Poker Bot?

A shocking story today, dear Melted Felt readers - though one we are sure will turn out to be mostly harmless. Yes, we heard the news that Full Tilt are being sued by some alledged poker-bot owners at the same time as everyone else... and immediately dispatched our own specialist investigator affectionately known as the Melted Felt Mole to dig a little deeper. What he came back with is nothing short of gargle-blasting...

Yes, it turned out that the Bot in question was no ordinary poker playing computer program. None other than galaxy traveling robotic superstar Marvin the Paranoid Android was the one who had $80,000 confiscated. Not only that, but the Mole managed to grab this exclusive interview.

MF Mole: So, Marvin, Can You Please Describe The Circumstances Which Lead To This Lawsuit?

Marvin: "Suppose so, not that it will do me much good" began the Hitchikers Guides infamous metalhead started, "took me ages to accumulate that $80k too, then they just said 'no androids' and took it all away, just like that. I considered starting again with a $50 pre-paid visa deposit, but the queues at my local drug-store are just huge - so I decided to sue to get my money back".

MF Mole: Well, $80,000 - Thats A Lot of Cash, How Did You Win It??

Marvin: 'Thats the point isn't it - brain the size of a planet and there I was playing 5c / 10c pot-limit Omaha" (pauses) "I mean, you try and get your money in with the best of it, but its not like anyone respects raises any more, all 4-bet this, 5-bet that - depressing really"

MF Mole: So You Built The $80k Entirely At The Micros?

Marvin: "Yes, but my circuits show that, in terms of Sklansky Dollars I should really have been $84,336 up - just shows how bad I was running... the first 10 million bad beats were the worst, and the 2nd 10 million bad beats were also the worst, after that I just started running really really badly"

MF Mole: Any Plans To Return To The Tables?

Marvin: "Hardly any point now is there"

Stay tuned dear readers, we will bring you the outcome of the case as soon as we have it!


Friday, 2 October 2009

Full Tilt Release Non-FTOPS Dates Schedule

In a flip-flop of a switch around the fine people at Full Tilt Poker's press department today held their hands up, sighed and said a resounding 'fuck it'. Yes, dear Melted Felt readers the pressure of releasing FTOPS schedules on a daily basis has taken its toll on those hard working holders of 'Media Studies' college degrees - and a brand new approach was required.

Following a brainstorming team building session involving slightly cringe-worthy role playing the press team discovered that - since there were only a couple of long weekends and the odd rainy Tuesday each year when the FTOPS was not running - it would be much easier to release these dates instead.

Yes, dear readers from now on there will be officially sanctioned 'Non-FTOPS' days where Full Tilt will release via e-mail and a cheap online press-release service a list of 'alternative' activitities for their players to enjoy. Our insider told the Melted Felt's very own mole that these were designed to freshen up players in time for the next FTOPs and included wearing a beard of bees, trying to answer a friends questions for 2 minutes without saying 'yes' or 'no' and pushing an unshelled peanut around the house with your nose.

All other days will feature the ever more popular events, in fact after running out of dates the Full Tilt team have decided to run multiple events each day. You'll now be able to mini-FTOPS at breakfast, PLO FTOPS rebuy over a light lunch and then jump right into a 'main event', the international poker community will be pleased to know that there will be 7 main events each day to choose from covering all timezones.

Well, all we can say is roll on Thursday the 12th of March... thats our first break in 3 years from the all new 'perpetual SNG Madness'.


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