Tuesday, 3 November 2009

Pokerstars Announce UK and Ireland Poker Tour

Poker tournaments are now held in some fantastic locations all around the world. The Bahamas, Las Vegas, Macau, Australia, Punta Del Este and Monte Carlo. Players with just a few dollars can donk their way through satellites and find themseleves completely out of their depth against opponents who can read their hands as if turned face-upwards all around the world.

To get the balance back in balance, the feng aligned with the shui, the karma matching the ying-yang and the poker community having generally g-g-g-g-good vibrations, Pokerstars have announced a new tour of those dull and slightly musty-smelling islands off of the coast of Europe known as the UK and Ireland. As always, dear Melted Felt readers, we bring you the scoop on the details which matter to you - the poker fan.

Event #1 - The Strencham Services Open - December 11th to 14th - $2000 Buy-in

Strencham Services (southbound) lies in the beautiful rolling Worcestershire countryside and is an isolated gas station, hotel and hugely overpriced convienience shopping stop on the M5 motorway - connecting Birmingham, England's second city, with the cider-swilling inbreds of the south-west. We are personally looking forward to spending $14 on a dry cheese sandwich and chatting pleasantly with truck drivers from Poland about their hairy wives in the bar of the $35 a night luxuary that is the Holiday Inn Hotel.

Event #2 - The Uxbridge Legends Of Poker - Feb 3rd to 5th - $1000 Buy-in Pot-Limit Omaha

Held in 'The Taj Mahal', a busy and popular curry restaurant on the high street of this grim greater-London satellite town this is the only PLO poker tournament in the world with wipe-clean tables, a big jug of water and free popadoms for every player - complete with both yoghurt and mango chutney dips. While the fact that the 'Taj (as it is affectionately known to the locals) not being licenced to serve alcohol may seem like a down-side, it actually means you can bring your own cans to drink at the table - a considerable saving in tips alone. We recommend the Lamb Dupiaza if you get a little hungry.

Event #3 - The Caerphilly 'Poker you say?' Open - Feb 19th to 20th - $1000 ('$1000 you say'?) buy-in

Next the tour moves to Wales, that completely and utterly pointless part of the British Isles. The Caerphilly open is to be accompnied by the sound of male-voice choirs, the crackle and hiss of English-owned holiday homes going up in smoke and the persistant chorus of 'Poker you say?', and 'Poker is it then?' from the locals. Special lop-sided chairs have been provided for Welsh contestants - who famously have one leg shorter than the other, causing them to walk round in circles.

Event #4 - The Dublin Open - March 1st to 3rd - 50c Buy-in

While Dublin is no doubt a fantastic place to hold a poker tournament, the Irish economy is in such a bad state that it was deemed necessary to reduce the buy-in to this event to just 50c. While a couple of years ago half of Ireland was swanning around the world buying up property like they were the smartest business people on the planet, someone forgot to tell them that the money they were spending was actually invented by their banks, leaving the nation to get on with the traditional passtimes of growing potatoes and having nothing much to say after the 'being Irish - haha' joke is over once the bubble burst. With a prize pool expected to grow to over $163 we are really looking forward to this one, to be sure to be sure.

Grand Final - The Blackpool Pleasure Beach 'Don't Think Much Of Yours Mate' Poker Open- March 17th - $5000 Buy-in

The vomit-covered streets of Britains favorite seaside resort host the grand final of the inagural UKIPT, with more Elvis impersonators and fat ladies wearing cringe-worthy revealing tops in freezing temperatures than anywhere else in the UK, contestants will actually find themselves welcoming the semi-consciousness brought on by getting repeatedly punched for 'looking the wrong way' at a random member of a totally pissed stag night. Great thing is busting out early from this tournament means you can pop down the local bingo hall for a 2nd chance to win - we can't wait!

Not insulted your town, nationality or personality type yet? Then remember to bookmark Melted Felt today... coz you're next.


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