Monday, 7 December 2009

Introducing The Melted Felt Reusable Sunday Tournament Round-Up

A special Monday treat today that Melted Felt readers can use again and again... as we bring you our reusuable round-up of the major Sunday online poker tournaments!

Getting the most from this page is easy. Simply add it to your favorites, then every Monday come right back and read it again. Instead of reading the same dry old shit regurgitated by obviously bored-out-of-their-effing-minds journalists at major poker news portals, blogs and forums - you simply insert a couple of random user names and prize amounts here and before you can say 'It was sooted' you'll have a fresh new round-up perfectly suited to your particular combination of high self esteem and extremely low success rate...

The Melted Felt Sunday Poker Tournament Report

In another donktastic running of the biggest tournament of all - the Pokerstars Sunday Million - {InsertName#1} walked away with a 1st place and a prize of more than {Amount#1} following a 3 way chop leaving $30,000 for the eventual winner. Other notable finishers included {Name#2} in 2nd, {Name#3} in 3rd and semi-famous player that a couple of you real train-spotter freaks who really should get out more might have heard if in 6th for {amount#2}.

{InsertName#4} added to {his / her} online tournament for {InsertYear} of more than {InsertBigNumber} by scooping 3rd place in the Sunday Warm-Up, where {InsertNameOfSomeSatelliteQualifingDonkeyThatNobodyEverHeardOfAnd
HasNotGotAClueAboutBalancingRestealRangesAndItsJustNotFairThatThey
WonWhenIAmSoMuchMoreSKilledThanThemHere#1} took home the first prize of {InsertAmount#4}.

Over at what is basically the only other site anybody is interested in, Full Tilt Poker, {insertName#5} won {YetAnotherFuckingAmount} in the "we'd love to make ours a million Gtd too but are not as big as Pokerstars" Sunday special and some other people who finished in other places won {lesserAmountsForCryingOutLoudWhatDidYouExpect}. Our very own {InsertNameOfSomeoneWhoMayHaveVisitedYourForumOnce} Came {yawn} for {sigh} which makes us all feel so warm and loving inside. In other big tournaments at Full Tilt everyone was so bored with the names and numbers that they forgot who won and even whether they mattered in the first place, and in fact whether any of this mattered, after all if free will is really just an illusion how can we be morally culpable? [get back on effing topic Mark - Ed].

Finally a round up of the high stakes action over at UB where Russ Hamilton might well have just won the weekend $200k for the 104th week in a row... allegedly!

Remember, Dearest readers - to bookmark this post today, if nothing else it will remind you not to waste so many minutes of your lives reading those turgid tournament reports. Even better why not use the widget below to share this post around a little... we'd genuinely appreciate it!

MF


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4 comments:

Littleacornman said...

I hope they start the next p5's podcast that way.You should have a guest spot.

PokerLaz said...

Haha Love It! This is too true!

4betisthenew3bet said...

Hi, i'd just like to say that this is the first, and possibly the best, blog i have read.
I am not begging, but if you'd like to stake me in a 3 person game with me, the Dalai Lama and Adolf Hitler (from Chris Ferguson's people who made bad poker decisions but never played poker) are gunna high stakes battle it for a while as we are sick of being donked out by low stakes non 3 bet respecting monkeybots.
Also if you would like to battle me heads up for $2 i'll be down for that too.

Mark said...

eh?

 
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