Phil Hellmuth Fight Challenge - Exclusive

A story so exclusive that we had to super-cool short metal rods and get the entire Melted Felt staff to lick them, sticking their tounges fast - to prevent leaks, yesterday (enough of that now - Ed).

Yes, dear readers today we give you some fighting talk... hot on the heals of the boxing match arranged by mr-potatoe-head look-alike Gus Hansen we can reveal that one star who does not like to be outdone arranging a bigger and better boxing match - to show who is the real-deal when it comes to poker players who pack a punch.

Las Vegas awaits, the bright lights and dramatic entrances to 'eye of the tiger' and 'the final countdown' are being coreographed, lengthy press releases and TV contracts are being organised and signed, and (unbelieveably really) bets are being taken.

Yes, Phil Hellmuth jr has sensationally announced that he is to fight with a wet paper bag - with no protective headgear (though Phil will wear one of those head-protectors himself).

Both round-by-round and result-only betting are currently showing the damp bag as a slight favorite, however we understand that Hellmuth's training regime involving ripping (2-ply) tissues and crushing grapes with his bare hands might soon tip the odds in his favor, or something.

MF

101 Things That Make Me TILT

Not the usual cutting edge news today... instead a list of 101 things that make me tilt. If you have any more then let me know, get enough and we can have a follow up '30 more things....' sort of thing.... anyway, no further intro required.

101 Things That Make Me TILT!

1 - Opponents who constantly flat call raises
2 - Typing OMG in the chat box when you lose a 65% / 35% shot
3 - Making a Minus 15 Dollar ev call at the bubble of a SNG then typing 'knew you were bluffing'
4 - Limping Aces
5 - Min Raising Aces
6 - Typing ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ into the chat box
7 - Baby Photos At Stars, Your baby is NOT FUCKING Beautiful
8 - Dog Photos at Stars (could be a cat too - do not want to be petist)
9 - Star-wars influenced Screen names, FFS this stopped being cool in 1982!
10 - Claiming poker is rigged when you lose pair vs overpair hand... do you actually know what 20% means?
11 - Typing TY into the chatbox when nobody said 'nice hand'
12 - Short Stacking
13 - Sitting in a Limit game with 700 big bets in front of you
14 - Typing 'Only at XXXXX Poker' when you bust from a tourney (insert site of your choice)
15 - When you fold the big blind getting 3/1 or even 4/1 with antes against a short-stack shove late in a tourney
16 - When you insta-call my all in with KJ sooted
17 - Screen names containing any variations of teddy and KGB
18 - Bad beat stories of any form at any fucking time
19 - Typing 'only online' in the chat box
20 - Screen names containing the words pimp / daddy etc
21 - Pictures of women who would not even notice you existed - ever - as your screen photo
22 - Playing any 2 suited cards
23 - Min-raising out of position after 4 limpers
24 - Acting like you were Phil Fucking Ivey in a $3 poker tournament
25 - French Players
26 - Reload bonuses which take 500 hours to clear
27 - The adverts which pop up when you switch off poker sites when your boss walks past
28 - People who berate fish online... Do you ACTUALLY KNOW where the money comes from??!?
29 - Anyone who tries to convince you that online poker is really truly rigged, honest, just look at my 600 game donkey-play sample for proof
30 - Typing Jokerstars into the chat box
31 - Believing Ace-jack is an unbeatable monster
32 - Calling your opponents 'bingo players' at the bubble of a SNG with <10 blinds
33 - Raise-folding at that same bubble with 6 blinds yourself
34 - Thinking that any one form of poker is superior to any other, get a life!!
35 - When you give a walk to those medium stacks at the bubble of an MTT
36 - People who ask for private freeroll passwords in the chat
37 - Beggars at the high (or any) stakes tables asking for cash online
38 - Those who think aces give then a fundamental right to a double-up
39 - Eyes in screen photos on Stars / Party
40 - That dumb surfer avatar at Full Tilt
41 - People who limp too many buttons
43 - Those who post coolers / bad-beats onto forums in the guise of asking for strategy advice
44 - Anyone who plays any ace, any where, any time
45 - People who start talking about M, ranges and / or ICM in the chat in a low limit game
46 - Threatening opponents with physical violence in the online chat box - I mean, WFT!!!
47 - Last longer bets...
48 - Typing 'of course' when you have a pair vs Ace-x and the ace hits (aka, not really understanding what 30% means)
49 - Anyone typing 'put you on 99' (for example) based only on a standard pre-flop raise.
50 - Those who join freerolls when blind away because they forgot all about it
51 - Actually make that anyone who plays freerolls ever too
52 - Overcalling a raise, re-raise, 4 bet all-in, call of that 4 bet... with Ace-8 suited
53 - Whining in general in that chat box
54 - Screen pictures of close up eyes
55 - Raising all but one chip
56 - Challenging opponents to heads-up matches you KNOW you can not afford
57 - Offering your opponent 4/1 on an all-in call then berating them for making it
58 - Titan Poker's 'tournament starting' alerts with 5000 pop-up messages
59 - People who type NH every fucking time
60 - Those who call with no pair, no draw and spike their miracle card on the turn
61 - People who think playing at UB is morally reprehensible, yet millions of children dying of easily preventable diseases evry year is just 'one of those things'.
62 - Anyone telling a fish that there is such a thing as VPIP
63 - A big stack at the bubble of a tournament who makes it their personal mission to double up every single short stack at the table
64 - A big stack at the bubble (of a satellite especially) who gives the short-stacked big blind a constant 'walk'
65 - The hoody avatar at Cake Poker
66 - Open limpers in 6-max cash games
67 - Anyone who tries to chat-up the 'ladies' in an online poker game (For fucks sake, there is a minimum 75% chance you are smooth talking some hairy bloke!)
68 - Players who constantly overbet the pot
69 - Complaining that you always bust on coinflips when you actually take several in a row
70 - Trying to look 'tough' by having a scary / horror picture as your avatar
71 - The fact that, even with 2 gig of memory, I can not play at PKR Poker
72 - Typing ZZZZZZZ into the chat box when it is damn obvious your opponent has disconnected
73 - Taking of disconnections nothing worse than losing your internet completely while at the bubbles of 8 $20 SNGs (yep, really)
74 - People from outside of England who display badges of English football teams... just.... WHY?75 - Anyone who mini-raises every hand
76 - Anyone who mini-raises only with aces / kings... and then gets upset when everyone calls and someone doubles up after outflopping them
77 - People who do not adjust to the relative hand strengths in Omaha Poker, but manage to complain when their aces are inevatably cracked.
78 - Going slow to let the blinds go up in a SNG tournament
79 - Anyone who actually believes in a 'Cash Out Curse'
80 - Poker players who believe that they are really really good, just a little unlucky
81 - Saying what you folded after the hand, especially when it was junk that would have made an unlikely straight, for example... "folded 6-3" on a final board of A-4-K-5-7
82 - Pausing an unduly long time before folding EVERY TIME when defending your big blind
83 - The 'Clapping' Animated Smiley at Carbon Poker
84 - Blogs / Forums which contain nothing but bad beats and whining
85 - Set over set
86 - Rabbit Cams (the ones which show what the flop / turn / river would have been)
87 - Anyone who offers to 'chop' at the end of a $5 Multi-table SNG
88 - The chat box morons who rail the 'big name' pros at Full Tilt Poker
89 - Anyone using a lord of the rings picture or name at the table
90 - Players who donk bet the minimum after calling in a 3-bet muli-way pot
91 - Opponents who disconnect, then come back for 1 hand, then disconnect again (repeat!)
92 - Calling the chat moderator service at Poker Stars
93 - Check mini-raising the flop
94 - Showing your big-blind rags when folded to
95 - Showing your strong hands, draws, bluffs or anything else for that matter
96 - Saying GG to every player as they bust, even though they did not even hint at anyfriendliness throughout the game
97 - Pictures of Stu Ungar on Poker Stars
98 - Anyone posting on a forum asking whether their 300% ROI over 167 games or 19PTBB / 100 over 6k hands is good enough for them to 'go pro'
99 - Players who are completely incapable of folding once they have entered a pot (but only if they hit)
100 - Pictures of a pair of aces at Stars... bet you thought it was so fucking original eh?
101 - The thing that tilts me most of all, more than anything else in the world - is YOU.

Lemme know if you have more...

MF

Poker Stars RNG Fairness Aided By Cosmic Background Radiation

In an item so exclusive we had to momentarily distract the entire MF staff by pointing upwards and saying 'See That??' to prevent leaks - we bring you some poker news the size of the universe itself, yesterday. Yes dear readers, after numerous complaints that Poker Stars was Rigged, new technology has been introduced which taps into the cosmos to ensure a fair deal.

For readers who missed it the Cosmic Background Radiation is the hissy noise left over from terrestrial TV stations when they used to shut down at 1am in the 1980's, which was caused by the 'big-bang' - an explosion for which no less that 317 jihadist groups have subsequently claimed responsibility.

By taking some radiation and mixing it with some other random stuff on big computers, Poker Stars hope that the days when every losing player claims that they are rigged will soon be over... click the for a larger pic to see what we mean.



MF

FBI Analysis Of Russ Hamilton Revelations

Another exclusive so sensational we had to inject the pet ferrets of the entire MF staff with genetically modified nano-viruses (for which we held the only antidote) to prevent leaks, yesterday.

After serious analysis, stopping and starting, looking for subtle clues from non-verbal behavior and using a high-speed super-computer to count the number of twitches, ticks and flinches... the FBI have released their conclusion about the latest Russ Hamilton video.

What the militants following the UB scandal will be disapointed with is that no mention of superusers, poker being rigged or fraud was mentioned at all in the report from the feds, in fact it was only 1 word long... fortunately we got hold of an exclusive copy.

Classification: Secretish: Not For Distribution to Commies, Taleban or Hippies.
Scope Of Report: Viewing Of Russ Hamilton Video To See If There Are Any Grounds For Bursting Into His House Shouting "FEDS!!" And Waving Guns Around A Lot.
Initial Assessment: Cock
Peer Review / 2nd Opinion: Cock
Conclusion: Complete Cock

MF

Scandal As Carbon Poker Proves Rigged Against Losing

Prepare yourselves today dear readers, as we bring you poker news so exclusive that we had to shoot the whole MF team in the kneecaps then put duct tape over their navels to prevent leaks. Yes, Merge Network site Carbon Poker have been highlighting their ever growing bad-beat jackpot for some time now... with the total at a hefty $1.2 million - and growing.

However, some suspicions have been aroused, some players are getting a little fed up, and some others are just donking off their money with any 2-suited. It would appear that Carbon Poker is believed to be rigged - against losing!

We spoke to some veterans who have been tracking hands on Carbon for some time. Aces pre-flop apparently hold up just over 80% of the time when all-in against a lower pair and 76% against a suited connector. In fact over a 263 hand sample, these results showed conclusively that those aces held 1.072% more than they were supposed to - PROVING that Carbon were rigging games in favor of good hands.

Just to make sure we followed the fate of a couple of players known to think ace-rag was a good hand in mid-position at a full table with a small raise ahead. Just 2 weeks later they had busted out - providing yet more proof, as if more proof was needed, that Carbon Poker is rigged against people winning the bad-beat jackpot by not rewarding the donks for bad play.

You have been warned!

MF

Poker Stars Accounts Hacked

In an amazing tale of high-tech cyber-crime, the uncaring attitude of the 'big boys' and some fucking naive idiots - we bring you a sensational story so exclusive that we had to take the entire families of the Melted Felt team hostage to prevent leaks.

Yes dear readers, it seems that a number of individuals have had their Poker Stars accounts hacked and all of the money that they kept there for deliberately buying in for $1000's on a $1 / $2 fixed limit table to 'impress' their opponents has been stolen.

Not only this but the 'powers that be' at rigged online poker site Stars have shirked their obvious responsibility by not immediately returning the stolen money, thus enabling chip-dumping colluders to repeatedly make the same claim.

We sent the Melted Felt mole to investigate... and he came up with a common theme very fast indeed. It turned out all of the 'hacked' players had downloaded a program from a torrent site in Russia named 'get-aces-every-hand-see-opponents-hole-cards-win-always-at-poker-stars-download-now-get-very-rich.exe'. This program had a small jpeg picture next to it on the screen which said the (only slightly mis-spelt) 'Trustid And Safe'.

After following the download instructions which involved giving the new program access through both firewall and anti-virus programs, the recipients found it did not actually work as advertised and forgot all about it.

When their Stars Accounts were empty the next day the reaction was one of fury....

"This is a great example of corporate bullying" said one victim from his bedroom in his Dad's mansion, "what safeguards are in place to protect innocent poker players from this complete lack of protection from Stars?" continuing, "we demand an immediate explanation from Poker Stars as to how they are protecting their players from incidents like this in the future....", finishing, "luckily I have found a complete Full Tilt cheats program on a server in Antigua and will be switching to that site very soon".

MF

PPA Decide To Spend Nothing On Latest Initiative

How exclusive can one blog get? Today Melted Felt brings you sensational news of the latest initiative of the Poker Players Alliance - that organization whose have repeatedly proven that they are a force to be recconed with in the fight to legalize online poker (erm, hang on a moment there, well, ummmm - hehe).

Yes dear readers, this initiative involves getting all poker players who are capable of writing to send a letter to President Obama requesting that regulation, taxation and the prevention of bad-beats comes to the very top of the agenda - at the expense of prevention of fatal childhood diseases, the war on terror and avoiding the recession which are just like, well boring.

Now, the PPA are more than aware that a large percentage of their client group are actually unable to write - codenamed 'the 'its sooted' players, this group can now also be politically involved... just print off the draft letter below and pop it in an envelope marked 'The President, White House, Washington DC' and the US mail will do the rest.

MF

PS: Ok then, here is a link to the PPA so you can partipate for real - PPA Website

Jamie Gold Broke Rumors Quashed

A Friday exclusive so shocking that we had to wrap the whole Melted Felt staff in cling-film since Wednesday to prevent leaks. Today we can reveal the latest in the poker fight-back by one Jamie Gold, winner of the 2006 WSOP main event, all round nice-guy and luckbox calling station.

Yes dear readers, Jamie Gold has completely quashed rumors that he is in financial difficulty by signing an exclusive contract with a poker site which only runs games at $1 / $2 and lower.

Mr G will play online at Aced Poker's tournaments, where all seven of their players are looking forward to the celebrity presence.

What is more, to finally and completely dispel the persistant rumors flying around that he is broke, Jamie Gold will only play in the very biggest buy-in events at Aced - yes dear readers, we are talking about the $100 guaranteed $6.50 buy-in 'Mega-Sunday' and the eye-wateringly huge monthly $10 (+$1) 'High Rollers Smackdown'.

Well, as long as someone lends him the buy-in that is.

MF

Barney Frank Continues Headbanging

Politics, high finance and murder today in our daily sensational exclusive, only without the murder part.

Yes dear MF reader - we bring you more hope, more optimism and more of Barney Frank banging his head against a brick wall than ever before... as round 11 begins in the ongoing battle to repeal the UIGEA.

Frank, who famously had a monkeys testicle transplanted into the end of his nose, has been banging his head against the former administrations brick walls for some time now. Fighting for the freedom of Americans to suck out on the river in low limit cash games online. While at the same time pointing out that it is impossible for banks to control this themselves, since they are too busy creatively spending taxpayers money on executive perks.

The latest bill goes to the very heart of the issue, alledging that banning stuff is 'bad', and pointing out that banning stuff in the 1930's did not really work as supporting evidence. What is more Barney Frank will point out that the bad ban was brought in by Bush - who is on the 'other side' compared to the Obama legislation, making it even worse.

Confident that this year will see the UIGEA repealed, we called the Frank office to ask whether we could speak to the man himself and get an exclusive quote. Unfortunatey he was too busy banging his head repeatedly against his office wall to comment - other than to mention that the upside of this head banging behavior is that it is really nice when it stops.

MF

Poker Stars Add Logo Piss-Pot To FPPs Online Store

In an exclusive so sensational that we had to cut the tounges of the entire MF staff clean out of their heads to prevent leaks, we bring you made-up news of the latest fantastic addition to the Poker Stars FPP store.

Yes dear readers, for so long tournament players have had to put up with the hassle of actually missing a couple of hands while they went to relieve themselves. Missing opportunities to 5-bet light giving your opponent almost 7/1 on the call and then typing profanities in the chatbox when they turned up with a hand that could beat your AJ sooted was enough to frustrate even the most talented (but currently on a downswing) online poker tournament pro.

Now, for just 5678 Poker Stars frequent player points the answer to your problems is here - with the Poker Stars Patented Piss-Pot. You can now simply flop it out right under your desk for instant relief without having to move your stoned overweight ass off of the chair. Made from 100% Chinese plastic the pot is easy to empty, easy to clean and easy to knock over when you get dealt aces at the final table and leap out of your chair for joy.

But that - as they say in sales - is not all.... For only 11666 FPPs you can get a special limited edition version of the Poker Stars Patented Piss-Pot - with a picture of and open mouthed Daniel Negreanu on the lid... syphoning the python has never been this much fun!

MF

Google To Become Honest About Poker Websites

In a sensational and shocking exclusive this weekend, Melted Felt are about to reveal the low-down on a change by Google which will change the way you experience the internet - forever!

Yes, this weekends 'accident' in which all 700 trillion sites which the big G indexes were given a warning that they 'may harm your computer' was no glitch. No dear Melted Felt reader - this was part of a huge master plan by Google to own the entire world have have Bill Gates clean their toilet. No, hang on, sorry, went off track there a little... what we meant to say was:

Google plan on implementing a brand new system of warnings for 2009 which will actually tell you the truth about poker websites before you click. Our very own Melted Felt mole slept its way to the information required to bring you some examples:

- Google Depression Warning: This poker blog contains so many fucking bad beat stories that we recommend you just slit your wrists now rather than click this link.

- Google Historical Interest Warning: Dated poker strategy from C2002, click this link only if the horribly outdated opinion of someone who won a bracelet in a minor WSOP event in 1947 is what you are after, but expect to get crushed online if you follow any advice given.

- Google Wannabe Cardrunners Warning: Badly coded training site offering videos by some kid who ran well in $2 / $4 No-Limit for a few months and his 'cool' forum mates. Expect egos, suckouts and very little education value.

- Google Pack Of Dogs Forum Warning: Do not post on this forum, do not ask for advice until you know every acronym, the coolest language and the entire history of most internet pros past and present. Instead of asking for advice on the 3+3 forum we recommend the less painful alternative of covering yourself in bacon and burgling your local stray dog compound.

- Google Sharkscope Comparison Warning: Do not click on this link and express an opinion unless your sharkscope / poker DB / etc graph is bigger than that of those you intend contradict. Doing so on P7's will immediately result in homophobic comments and mass quotations of quotations with the word 'this' included.

MF