Friday, 29 May 2009

European Commission Investigates Greek Gambling Monopoly

In an exclusive so sensational we asked for onions, no tomato and extra chilli sauce, Melted Felt can bring you the news of an investigation, a backlash, a scandal and a goat from the cradle of civilisation itself - Greece.

Yes, dear Melted Felt reader the Greek authorities are in trouble for shutting down the betting shops belonging to Stanley - the UK sportsbook and casino brand. The scandal was triggered when Paulopolos Palopalinos tried to use his goat as security for a half time - full time double bet on Olimpiakos FC. According to ancient Greek law a man's goat is good for collateral, and - after Plapolos greased the palms and complimented the manly mustaches of the local ouzo-fueled police squad, the bookies was raided and the chain shut down.

While 1000's of miles away in Brussells the EU's wheels creaked slowly to protest, the Greek media have been having a field day with the demonisation of online gambling outfits.

One such example was the front-page story of Phillippas Pillipapasolas, a 17 year old from Athens who tilted big time on Party Poker one day - losing his family their prized donor Kebab business. His mother was on national TV the very next day, sobbing in front of the entire nation that her dreams of sending Phillippas to Germany - where his 14 siblings are already happily unemployed and living off the state - were now shattered.

With politicians promising to ensure that the young male population of Greece are kept away from the Gambling sites to pursue the traditional Greek passtimes of chasing any female tourist with a pulse, smoking and throwing flaming stuff at riot police - it looks like the EU may have a battle on its hands. At the time of going to press the Goat was alive and well, though rather worried about the prospect of Panathinaikos losing the next round of the cup.

MF

Thursday, 28 May 2009

Online Poker Community Baffled By Hall Of Fame Concept

In an exclusive so confusing we put it in a circular room with instructions to piss in the corner, Melted Felt is pleased to sensationally report that the previuosly unknown poker hall of fame is now fully open for nominations. Unfortunately for the latest crop of the taxi drivers of tomorrow, otherwise known as ' aspiring online poker pros' the concept appears to be in need of some clarification.

Firstly the concept of the hall of fame is not to honor players who made it to the top of the tournament leader board during May 2009, courtesy of spending 12 hours a day in complete darkness grinding every $30 and under online tournament possible - but rather to induct those who have contributed to the game over the long term, or appeared on Poker After Dark.

Secondly, taking down an FTOPS event, final tabling the Sunday million or being a regular in the Stars $100r is all very nice, but lets be honest you can not even remember the people who were doing this last year, let alone in 2007... nope, the Boku challenge will not be remembered this time next year either. Writing a book might be a help in grabbing a coveted nomination, which adds another 2,712 this month....

Third, in order to nominate someone for the Poker Hall of Fame you'll need to hire a writer. Someone capable of actually putting sentences together will then need to be told the reasons for your nomination - 'PWNS', 'IMO' and 'lol donkamnents' are not likely to be considered legitimate reasons by the judging panel.

We sent the Melted Felt Mole deep into the judging panel to find out more, he came back with one clear message - poker hall of fames are rigged.

MF

Monday, 25 May 2009

Jack Links Beef Jerky Poker Room Reviewed

Players looking for a great place to play online poker should really check out Jack Links Beef Jerky Poker today. With some of the easiest online poker games as well as a 100% to $500 sign-up bonus with Jack Links Beef Jerky Poker Bonus Code JERK500 - you'll be showing big profits from the virtual felt in no time at all. Jack Links Beef Jerky Poker features many games in addition to the usual Texas Holdem and is a member of the trusted Meat-Products poker network, a group of premier poker sites who pool their players for a better meat-based gaming experience. This review of Jack Links Beef Jerky Poker gives you all the information you need to know and - as a one off special - looks exactly the fucking same as every other online poker site review you will ever read.

Jack Links Beef Jerky Poker Bonuses

You are never far away from an ultra slow-clearing bonus at Jack Links Beef Jerky Poker, who really know how to look after their regular players. Use Jack Links Beef Jerky Bonus Code JERK500 when you sign-up to grab your 100% bonus, you only need 12 points for each bonus dollar and will regret not going through a rakeback provider for the rest of your 6 months donating cash at the tables before deciding that you are good but unlucky and getting into Warcraft instead. Other promotions include freerolls with miniscule prize pools and 1000's of 12 year old opponents, and a bad beat jackpot which takes so much in rake that the site owners choke on their jerky with laughter whenever some dumb fvck plays at those tables.

Jack Links Beef jerky Poker Game Selection

Most of the tables at Jack Links Beef Jerky Poker are mind-numbingly small stakes Texas Holdem games, with an average of 7 players to each flop, and a big red 'check-call all the way to the river then push all-in' button on the software so you can be guaranteed to be banging your head against a brick wall soon. For those who prefer to overplay A-A-x-x hands there is sometimes half a table of pot limit Omaha nits waiting for the stray drunk newbie to donate their stack. Jack Links have replaced the HORSE games with their own BEEF, comprising Badugi, Eight or Better Stud, Eight or Better Omaha and Frazz, a special version of Stud high in which half the field still thinks it is playing Razz and 4 bets 4th street with 2-4-5-7 rainbow.

For tournament fans there are a huge selection of MTTs including the showcase 'Sunday Jerk', a $200+$15 event which has a guaranteed prize pool of $200. SNG fans are well catered for too, though the ability to multi-table is somewhat curtailed by the fact that there are only ever 7 players online and they are all eagerly waiting to comment on *your* sharkscope graph.

Jack Links Beef Jerky Poker Software Client

Fortunately the software used by Jack Links Beef Jerky Poker was designed by poker professionals - with the poker players firmly in mind. What you will notice immediately from the client is how much these professionals detested those other players, and how far they went out of their way to make the client as resource-intensive on your computer as possible while supplying the least user-friendly gaming experience. One notable feature is the inclusion of worldwide wholesale meat prices in the top left hand corner - oh and and big red buttons saying deposit now on every fucking page. In order to keep up with rival networks, Jack Links Beef Jerky Poker have added a special feature which pretends to install updates for 10 minutes every time you log-on - whether there are any updates or not.

Jack Links Beef Jerky Poker Summary

We love the 'gold cow' promotion, the fact that customer services dont speak English and the complete lack of suitable deposit options at Jack links. However, they are giving us $150 per player we send them - so fuck ethics, time to talk them up a bit. Join my brother, sister, dog, 3 mates from footy and 167 (and counting) Chinese individuals who only happen to have the same IP address by chance at Jack Links Beef Jerky Poker today. Remember to use Jack Links Beef Jerky Bonus Code JERK500 when you register to claim your ultra-slow clearing bonus. Click now to check out Jack Links for yourself and regret not going through a rakeback provider for years to come!

MF

Sunday, 24 May 2009

High Stakes Poker - Biggest Online PLO Pot Ever!

In an exclusive so stellar that even the sun had to wear shades to read it, Melted Felt is pleased to bring you news of a pot of pot limit omaha which pipped previous pots to the post by becoming the biggest poker pot limit pot ever pushed.

A heads-up PLO match between Tom 'Durrrr' Dwan and Ilari 'Ziigmund' Sahamies over at Full Tilt Poker was the setting, the stakes $3000 / $9000 with more than $700,000k on the table - here is how the hand went down:

Durrrr On The Button holding Q-10-8-5 double suited raised to $3,000 - exactly the amount that one Albert Krug, unemployed veteran of the first Gulf war needed to by medicine which would ease the agonising and constant pain of his arthritis. Ziigmund, holding a one-gap single suited run down of J-9-8-7 made the reraise to $9000, coinciedntally the shortfall in Sarah McBrides college fees that her parents were unable to pay since her dad was laid-off, leaving her destined for the trailer park instead of starting a promising career as a lawyer. Durrrr liked his double suited hand and re-potted pre-flop to $27,000 which is damn close to the amount required to keep Ken and Helen Friedman and their two daughters Molly (3) and Cherry (4 and a half) from being forcably evicted from their home next month.

When the flop came an 'action' J-10-2 with 2 spades giving Durrrr top pair and a flush draw and Ziigmund a huge wrap the play got tricky, with both players checking their option. The turn an offsuit 7 brought the fireworks though.

First Ziigmund lead out for $54,000 which is actually the amount of cash owed by bankrupt customers to Bill Palin, who runs a small engineering firm in Chicago forcing him to lay-off 2 loyal and long-serving members of staff. Durrrr then re-raises to a huge $216k (the completely out of reach cost of life-saving cancer treatment that would save the life of Tiffany, 12) and Ziigmund completes the betting with an all-in for $324,000, enough to fund the Seattle charity dedicated to giving disadvataged children a chance to better themselves through sport for another year...

When the cards were turned up Ilari was a 75% / 25% favorite to take down the pot and, when a second jack hit the river scooped a record breaking $703,000 pot.

Wonder what he'll do with the money??

MF

Wednesday, 20 May 2009

Lee Jones Goes To Cack Poker - For The Same Reason Everyone Else Does

In an exclusive so rare we locked it in an underground seed vault in Norway, Melted Felt is pleased to bring you the shocking news that Lee Jones - all round nice guy and serial job-hopper has card-run over to Cack Poker... after Full Tilt refused to switch his account to rakeback.

Having signed up as LeeJ420 back in 2002 before becoming aware that Rakeback was available, Jones sent numerous mails to support threatening to take his SAGE-assisted all-ins elsewhere in a polite and semi-formal manner. After a year on the alledged waiting list, 26 mails and 26 promises that his account would be switched soon all from different customer service reps - Lee had enough and decided to become COO of Cack Poker, where he was able to get 33% rakeback while playing on a sh1te poker site with 3 other people.

In an exclusive interview with some other site which we have totally ignored in favor of a completely made-up statement, Jones said "well let us face it, Cack Poker is so fvcking bad at the moment that I can hardly make it any worse right?" continuing, "I'll start by pointing out the obvious, suggesting they spend money on stuff and generally doing a few interviews, if all goes well I'll be in the next job with a fat pay-rise taking the credit for a successful turn-around" finishing, "If it goes wrong then the bastards simply did not listen".

We finished up by asking Jones what made him choose the 'hoody' avatar over at Cack Poker - enquiring as to whether this maybe represented a hidden youthful side? "Don't be daft" Jones replied, "Its to cover up my massive bald-patch".

MF

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Tuesday, 19 May 2009

Devil Moves To Distance Himself From Mattusow Book

In an exclusive so shocking that we plugged it into the national grid, Melted Felt can today reveal that diabolical deity Beelzebub has asked his evil publicist Max Clif-face to ensure that he is distanced from Mike Mattusow's new book 'Check-Raising The Devil".

When we spoke to the force behind more than 99.4% of all known soul-torturing yersterday he was keen to point out that, while Mike the Mouth did check-raise him once - the ultimate evil overlord did 4-bet, forcing Mattusow to fold. "I felt that the title mis-represented the hand" Bub began, "To the casual reader the interpretation is definitely that the check-raise was successful, when in fact the mouth squirmed visibly when I came over the top and - after a short period of posturing - folded his 7-5 off suit like a little lamb".

We asked how he could be so sure of Mikey's hand? "You think being the source of all of the world's evil does not come with it's perks?" Bub continued, causing a fatal car crash in the road below by pointing a long red finger out of the window, "it's not like I need a Zee Justin setup here".

Next, we asked what plans the Devil had for his poker career moving forward, particularly bearing in mind his ongoing battle with God - who recently tried to cut down the devil's growing influence by making financial transactions to offshore poker sites illegal... turns out that the red ovelord of the depths of hell is not sitting still and intends to start his own staking site ahead of this years World Series Of Poker - guaranteeing a final table in the event of your choice for just 1 soul... yours.

MF

Thursday, 14 May 2009

WPT Pulls Out Of China After Cultural Mis-Understanding

The Poker World became a smaller place yesterday, dear Melted Felt readers, we are pleased to sensationally report - as the World Poker Tour announced it was pulling out of China for the 2010 season. With so much face-reduction at stake we immediately dispatched the Melted Felt mole to the land of plastic-stuff, bicycles and human rights abuses to bring the TRUTH.

Apparently things started to go awry after WPT Cheif Steve Lipsmack sat supping green tea with his Chinese equivalent and became disconcerted by the beak of a bird - along with a sad looking beady eye - repeately popping out from beneath a partly covered dinner plate.

After much debate about the size of cushions required to get the particpiants heads over the rim of the WPT tables the meeting moved on to the nitty gritty of finance. After a rather heated debate which involved the requirement to clarify that each participant was not actually able to claim a refer-a-friend bonus for their entire family going back 6 generations each on 3 different IP addresses the deal was almost closed - and the beak popped out one more time.

At this point in the meeting an organized tour took place with national collection of treasures such as the great wall, terrocotta army and Tibet on display and big smiles all-round. A televised signing was then arranged for the deal itself, when a curious Lipsmack could contain himself no longer and had to ask about the beak and beady eye he had seen earlier in the day repeatedly popping out from under from the dinner service.

Here is where things went horribly wrong - ultimately leading to today's announcement that the WPT would close it's Chinese operation. Steve asked whether this was the actually what they meant by the famous Chinese dish of 'Chicken Suprise'... and was met by stunned slience - broken only by the tink tink tink noise of a dropped chopstick, wondering what has happened to cause the previously genuine smiles on his hosts faces to become stuck fast, it was with horror and embarrassment that Lipsmack found he was completely wrong.... the dish was in fact Peking Duck.

... Taxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxiiiii

MF

Tuesday, 12 May 2009

Celebrity Apprentice Shock As Rivers Removes Mask

In an exclusive spookily similar to the end of the 1980s spoof detective film 'Murder By Death', Melted Felt can bring you a proper shocker from the final episode of Celebrity Apprentice that was so shocking that the producers decided it could not be aired.

Yes, dear Melted Felt readers - just as the Joan Rivers and Annie Duke were embracing at the end, putting weeks of bitter fighting behind them, Rivers actually tore her face clean off... discarded that blonde wig... and revealed that it was none other than Phil Hellmuth Jr under there all along.

With both Rivers and Hellmuth sporting flappy, jowely necks and both being almost completely devoid of any visible talent it appeared to be a perfect match. And with all the money going to some random charity called 'The God Hates Whatever I Hate Foundation For Love' nobody was really complaining about the deception.

However the fallout from the series looks set to continue with various groups seeking to distance themselves from Annie Duke. A worldwide group of Nazis are apparently looking to sue the menopausal poker celeb for bringing their name into disrepute. Sociopaths throughout the country would have been deeply offended by Duke being likened to them... if they had the capacity for it - and the committee of the American Pit Bull Terrier Owners Club have introduced a temporary ban on the name Annie until the whole affair blows over.

MF

Monday, 11 May 2009

Shock As Minnesota Gambling Sites Ban Leads Millions To Look At Maps

Poker players all over the US are outraged, yesterday, Melted Felt can exclusively report - after the State of Minnesota intructed telecoms to block access to a list of 200 gambling-related websites.

Shocked and ditressed poker fans from all corners of the country stopped min-raising suited kings for a moment to express their anger - before quickly doing a search in Google maps to check where Minnesota actually was. After verifying that this state was not in fact part of Canada, many of these poker players resolved to lend their support to their poker-loving brethen in the strongest way possible, by posting one-liners on popular internet forums without using any caps.

But things get worse for the residents of Minnesota - who famously have one leg shorter than the other... causing them to frequently walk around in circles. Not only has access to some of their favorite gamling sites been blocked, but access to sites which do not take business from US players have been blocked to.

Just to make sure, the Minnesotan United Protection Policy Everyones Together Service, or MUPPETS for short, banned all sites mentioning Gum-Balls, Gamboling (bouncing lambs) and Pokemon... before realizing that the internet has not yet reached their part of the world anyway so they might aswell go back to fly fishing.

MF

Thursday, 7 May 2009

Aced To Replace Gold With The Squirrel From Ice Age

In an exclusive that spawned 101 spotty puppies, Melted Felt can today sensationally reveal the real truth behind WSOP luckbox Jamie Gold's mysterious departure from obscure poker site Aced.

While the poker press speculated, the Gold camp finger pointed - and the Aced PR department confirmed that rabbit-cams significantly added to the end-user experience, none other than the Melted Felt Mole found out the real truth... that the acorn-obsessed squirrel from the Ice-Age movies has been assigned the job of prepresenting Aced at major events from now on.

All-round nice guy Jamie Gold, who famously won the 2006 WSOP Main event and has not won a single hand of any game since, was apparently embarrassed after playing so badly in the Aced tournament named after him that he regularly knocked himself out - winning his own bounty. The final straw came when he found out that his cash-game losses represented more than 75% of Aced's total turnover... and Gold walked away.

The squirrel has apparenly been in secret talks with Aced since running into them at the Oscars charity event earlier in the year and speculation is that he negotiated a 8-acorn deal. Aced are looking forward to seeing how the Ice-age squirrel fares in this years World Series, where he will be completeing with seveal other animals including Aussie Millions runner-up Skippy the bush kangaroo, Boss Hog's beagle and of course Phil Helmuth.

We asked the Gold camp for their comments - but all they would say is, 'Pay peanuts, get monkeys'

MF

Tuesday, 5 May 2009

Barney Frank To Submit Yet Another New Poker Legalization Bill

In an exclusive that wants to be like you-ho-ho, Melted Felt are pleased to bring you news that Barney Frank is about to introduce his 754th new bill to congress aimed at regulating online poker games next week. Yes dear readers, the 'Those Losers Never Even Thought That Gambling Taxes Actually Apply To Them Internet Gaming Regulation Act' (TLNETGTAATT-IGR for short) could hit the floor as early as the week starting May the 4th.

With support from losing poker players throughout the states this bill is causing some excitement in poker circles - not least because it is the first bill to be introduced since the last one, which was the most current bill at time it was introduced (well, since the one before that and the previous one of course).

We tried to explain it to Geoff, a 19 year old geek who enjoys grinding 12 tables of low limit cash games so much that he dropped out of college early - giving up a balanced, healthy and proserous future in exchange for 33% rakeback and an upwards sloping Poker Tracker graph. Currently scraping $3500 a month from the tables we caught up with Geoff to get the view from the floor..."Banning online poker is an affront to my freedom of choice as an American citizen" began the weedy looking sh1t who is unlikely to reproduce any time soon.

We then described the future, where poker is legal, regulated and treated just like any other profession - including being taxed... "You mean the government take away some of my winnings?" Geoff stammered, obviously confused, "But I thought that tax was something for the people in suits, man, this is a serious affront to my freedom of choice as an American citizen - I was about to move up to 50c / $1 6-max too".

Leaving Geoff to his new found realization that tax is something that applies to him too we went to look deeper into Barney's new bill, only to find it had already come and gone... to be replaced with Mr Frank's next bill - titled 'Well The PPA Are Paying Me For These So Why Not Introduce Another One Internet Gaming Act (WTPAPMFTSWNIAO-IGA for short).

MF

 
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