Wednesday, 23 December 2009

The Melted Felt Year In Review - Part #2

Continuing with our retrospective on 2009, a year in which the world remained full of dumb, fat and extremely ugly people. Like all sequels, this post will probably be not quite as good as the 1st one, though the next will blow you away, or something.

So, dear Melted Felt readers - the Melted Felt Poker Year in review....

May, the sun was out, the days grew longer, and Jamie Gold left Aced. Nobody really knows why, though our post on him being replaced by the Squirrel from 'Ice Age' turned out to be premature as Full Tilt offered him more acorns. Elsewhere, the devil made a rare appearance to distance himself from Mike Mattusow's book and nominations were opened for the poker hall of fame. It was the EU's investigation of the Greek Gambling market that took the spotlight, and a goat, Worried Goat!

June rolled in and the perennial anti-climax that is the world series of poker got going once again. With the Feds siezing $30 million in gambling cash (they still have it!), the Durrrr Challenge going decidely nowhere and wacko-jacko kicking the bucket it was our nightmare post about Hellmuth winning the main event which got the popular vote Hellmuth Nightmare!

July saw the battle heat up between the major poker sites, with Stars climbing a proverbial step-ladder, taking down their proverbial pants and sh1tting right on the proverbial head of Full Tilt with the most players in a single tournament online... oops, where did the link go? Oh well, its under July on the right hand side if you really must...

August was a scorcher! Not much big poker news, Poker in the Park in the UK was a success after precautions against potential sunshine were introduced, those p!ss-pots were finally discarded after Stars introduced synchronised breaks - and we took a look at the increasingly nasty world of online poker games and asked... What if other passtimes were like this?? If Other Passtimes Were Poker

Part 3 coming up after you already looked twice and found it was not there.

MF

Monday, 21 December 2009

The Melted Felt Year In Review - Part One

In a series of cutting-edge and exciting blog posts designed to get me off of the hook having to think up anything new for a couple of days - the Melted Felt year in review is here. Being a big proponent of the campaign to decimalize time, I have divided the retrospective into three. This one goes from January through to April and so on.

Before we get going I'd like to take the opportunity to say a few thanks, especially to everyone who has supported my efforts here with links, stumbles, blogroll additions, comments and abusive e-mails or comments. It has been a pleasure, and one I'll definitely look forward to continuing as long the word keeps being spread... more abuse from Pokerstars chat moderators or Bodog affiliate managers is especially nice to receive and I'll promise to publish it!

So, close your eyes dear readers and cast your mind back to the cold on Jan 2009 (just opened them again? well, I guess there is always one who thinks it is possible to read a blog post with their eyes closed...).

The big news of Jan was a gauntlet laid down by one Tom Dwan, who reconned he could play so fvcking slowly 4-tabling PLO at super high stakes that he would never have to pay out on the 3/1 odds offered in his 'Durrrr Challenge'... here we are in late December and we are half way through round 1... never mind eh: Durrrr Challenges...


Well, let us face it, sod all happened in February... so I posted some made up stuff about Stars adding a logo piss-pot for tournament players to their FPP store (the bad old days, before synchronized breaks my dear readers!) Pokerstars Logo P1ss Pot


Full Tilt launched their academy in March, with lessons from pros patiently explaining concepts which will never apply to the micro-stakes in a million effing years. We highlighted the academy teaching players how to choose the luckiest avatar... Academy Luckiest Full Tilt Avatar Education

Swine flu and crunchy credit brought in the spring, while the poker scene started to get marginally more interesting in April... we thought the 'April Fools' joke about poker being a skill game was dead on the money, we then reported on the threat to Annie Duke's position from new 'kid' on the block Suzan Boyle... though our most popular post simply relied on that generally accepted passtime of people around the world of abusing the French... in our look at Elky's attempt to beat the French Hygene world record at the same time as doing something with SNGs - French Hygene World Record

Continuing with May to August next time... so don't forget to bookmark us now!

MF

Friday, 18 December 2009

Playing In The Name Of!

As the UK grinds to it's usual fearful winter halt under 3 millimeters of powdery snow we bring you news that the Brits are busy fighting the establishment this holiday season... Sick of having prime-time TV talent shows provide the light-pop drivel of the Christmas chart-toppers... a Facebook campaign to get Rage Against The Machine to the number one spot looks like succeeding this time - one in the eye for, erm, well, nobody much really - but hey, it sounds like fun.

So, dear Melted Felt readers, this leads us to the question of who (or what?) is the Online Poker 'establishment' and how might we rebel against it - should we so desire? We could make calls 2% lighter than true ev for 'meta game purposes' against known regs with aggression factors more than 12% above ours - but that just does not feel like the true spirit of rebellion to me... we could use pics of Che Guevara as our Stars icon pics... but a random picture of a pen1s would probably be a less sad choice.

No, when it comes to poker - you have to ask yourself... who are you playing in the name of? Let us start with a lyrical journey into the minds of the forum message savages who are the sheep of 2+2... with our own Melted Felt potential seasonal chart-topper... set to the music of you know who:

Playing In The Name

Playing in the name of!
Some of those that cuss fishes are the same that limp aces
Some of those that cuss fishes are the same that limp aces
Some of those that cuss fishes are the same that limp aces
Some of those that cuss fishes are the same that limp aces
Huh!

Playing in the name of!
Playing in the name of

And now you bet what they told ya
And now you bet what they told ya
And now you bet what they told ya
And now you bet what they told ya

Those that raised are justified, for tracking the stats, they're the grinding pros
You justify those that raised by 3 betting light, they're the grinding pros
Those that raised are justified, for tracking the stats, they're the grinding pros
You justify those that raised by 3 betting light, they're the grinding pros

Some of those that play tourneys are the same that shove aces
Some of those that play tourneys are the same that shove aces
Some of those that play tourneys are the same that shove aces
Some of those that play tourneys are the same that shove aces
Uggh!

Playing in the name of!
Playing in the name of

And now you bet what they told ya
And now you bet what they told ya
And now you bet what they told ya
And now you bet what they told ya
And now you bet what they told ya, now your under control
And now you bet what they told ya, now your under control
And now you bet what they told ya, now your under control
And now you bet what they told ya, now your under control

Those that raised are justified, for tilting their foes, they're the grinding pros
You justify those that raised with the sharkcope graph on a downward path
Those that raised are justified, for tilting their foes, they're the grinding pros
You justify those that raised with the sharkcope graph on a downward path

Fvck you, I won't play how you tell me
Fvck you, I won't play how you tell me
Fvck you, I won't play how you tell me
Fvck you, I won't play how you tell me
Fvck you, I won't play how you tell me
Fvck you, I won't play how you tell me
Fvck you, I won't play how you tell me
Fvck you, I won't play how you tell me!
Fvck you, I won't play how you tell me!
Fvck you, I won't play how you tell me!
Fvck you, I won't play how you tell me!
Online Poker is fvking rigged!
Motherfvcker!
Uggh!



MF


PS: If you are from the UK, sign-up now and go download the tune for xmas number 1! Go to facebook and search 'Rage against the machine for xmas number 1' you can't miss it!

Tuesday, 15 December 2009

Pokerstars Launch "Please Don't Play At Full Tilt' Tuesdays


In a news story that wishes it could be xmas every day, we bring you the inside scoop from the world's biggest poker site today dear readers - as we reveal some of the big name players involved in Pokerstars latest promotion - the 'Team Pro Tuesday'.

Yes, dear Melted Felt readers, while Full Tilt enjoys nosebleed stakes action every day of the week, with some of the biggest names in poker enjoying the high adrenaline action. Pokerstars somehow twigged that their 'stable' of poker pros may not actually have downloaded the Stars software yet.

In a big to redress the balance, keep the press release department busy, and generally remind smaller poker sites that they are pathetic wanna-bes who do not even deserve to share the same fvcking internet... Pokerstars are running "The Team Pro Please Don't Play At Full Tilt , Oh Please, Please Please Please, Its Only Until The End Of The Year, Honest, We'll Pay You, A Lot - Tuesdays" throughout December. The idea being that the stable of pros will play in the same games they do every day - only on Pokerstars, neat eh?

Completely unsubstantiated Rumor has it that a dedicated support team is on hand to show the Stars pros how to actually download the software, deposit and navigate around the tables... yet another rumor is that emergency coaching has been arranged to teach those tournament donkeys how to play deep stacked cash games - pass the sugar!

More soon!

MF

Thursday, 10 December 2009

Joe Cada Treated To Big Day Out By PPA

An exclusive as usual today, Dear Melted Felt readers, as we bring you a trip report of 2009 WSOP champ Joe Cada's trip to Capitol Hill. Not only did Joe stick up for poker being a skill game on national TV, he is now taking his clean-cut nice-guy self directly to the politicians, whom he hopes to convince that winning flips with low pocket pairs is as American as it gets.

Cada's first port of call was with Democratic poker fans Linda Sanchez and Debbie Stablenow, who checked that Joes shoe's were recently buffed, before chatting about the best strategy for beating bearded tree-chopping calling stations heads-up.

It was never going to be easy meeting the Republican anti-fun brigade, however Cada managed to win them over after producing a card from his pocket which had large ticks next to 'no' for the questions 'Are you or have you ever been a communist?' and 'Are you or have you ever been a homosexual?'

Finally saw the champ's time came to up to stand in front of a cross-party delegation, Joe loudly cleared his throat, then removed his cap, brushed his hair over to one side and began to slowly turn around. At this point the tension in the room was palpable, with many politicians having years of experience almost unable to breathe due to the anticipation. A spotlight went on as members from both sides of the policical divide elbowed each other for position. Joe then gently pushed forward his right ear - revealing it to be freshly scrubbed and completely clean back there.

You could serve the relief in the room with a runciple spoon, a ripple of applause broke out, brows were mopped and high fives exchanged. Bible-bashing conservatives who previously thought that gambling was the devils work immediately signed up at Pokerstars, lost their money, then went straight back to thinking that gambling was the devils work. Lobbyists went to get their free lunch with business leaders, politicians went to committee meetings with each other and a declaration was made, voted on and passed all with unanimous agreement - that Joe was infact a very very very nice boy, very very very nice, nice.

This, however, was not the end of the big day out for Cada - the PPA then took him directly to Toys-R-US where he apparently spent some of his millions on more 500 go-go-hamsters... then to McDonalds for a burger and big yummy vanilla milkshake...

MF

Monday, 7 December 2009

Introducing The Melted Felt Reusable Sunday Tournament Round-Up

A special Monday treat today that Melted Felt readers can use again and again... as we bring you our reusuable round-up of the major Sunday online poker tournaments!

Getting the most from this page is easy. Simply add it to your favorites, then every Monday come right back and read it again. Instead of reading the same dry old shit regurgitated by obviously bored-out-of-their-effing-minds journalists at major poker news portals, blogs and forums - you simply insert a couple of random user names and prize amounts here and before you can say 'It was sooted' you'll have a fresh new round-up perfectly suited to your particular combination of high self esteem and extremely low success rate...

The Melted Felt Sunday Poker Tournament Report

In another donktastic running of the biggest tournament of all - the Pokerstars Sunday Million - {InsertName#1} walked away with a 1st place and a prize of more than {Amount#1} following a 3 way chop leaving $30,000 for the eventual winner. Other notable finishers included {Name#2} in 2nd, {Name#3} in 3rd and semi-famous player that a couple of you real train-spotter freaks who really should get out more might have heard if in 6th for {amount#2}.

{InsertName#4} added to {his / her} online tournament for {InsertYear} of more than {InsertBigNumber} by scooping 3rd place in the Sunday Warm-Up, where {InsertNameOfSomeSatelliteQualifingDonkeyThatNobodyEverHeardOfAnd
HasNotGotAClueAboutBalancingRestealRangesAndItsJustNotFairThatThey
WonWhenIAmSoMuchMoreSKilledThanThemHere#1} took home the first prize of {InsertAmount#4}.

Over at what is basically the only other site anybody is interested in, Full Tilt Poker, {insertName#5} won {YetAnotherFuckingAmount} in the "we'd love to make ours a million Gtd too but are not as big as Pokerstars" Sunday special and some other people who finished in other places won {lesserAmountsForCryingOutLoudWhatDidYouExpect}. Our very own {InsertNameOfSomeoneWhoMayHaveVisitedYourForumOnce} Came {yawn} for {sigh} which makes us all feel so warm and loving inside. In other big tournaments at Full Tilt everyone was so bored with the names and numbers that they forgot who won and even whether they mattered in the first place, and in fact whether any of this mattered, after all if free will is really just an illusion how can we be morally culpable? [get back on effing topic Mark - Ed].

Finally a round up of the high stakes action over at UB where Russ Hamilton might well have just won the weekend $200k for the 104th week in a row... allegedly!

Remember, Dearest readers - to bookmark this post today, if nothing else it will remind you not to waste so many minutes of your lives reading those turgid tournament reports. Even better why not use the widget below to share this post around a little... we'd genuinely appreciate it!

MF


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Thursday, 3 December 2009

Shaun Deeb 'Burns Out' Of Insulting Opponents

Rather late news from the world of online poker tournament grinders today, dear Melted Felt readers, as we bring shocking news to those college dropouts who projected their current good run of cards 35 years into the future...and assumed they would still have friends after 2 years. Shaun Deeb, the pro tournament grinder blessed with the word 'Fuckin' as his middle name has officially burned out... of insulting opponents terrible play.

Shaun, who could famously 27-table, chat on AIM, play WoW and eat a big pile of delicious pies simultaneously has decided to stop insulting people in chat boxes until the new year - when he will dedide on his future... with options including giving opponents chat grief in online cash games, or moving to live play and making those insults personally.

Deeb, who somehow won more than $27 trillion during his online poker tournament career allegedly knew his time on the virual felt was coming to an end when a fish rivered some random two pair after getting all-in on the flop when 90% underdog... "I was about to give him a hard time, but the my fingers just refused to type the words" Started the voices in our head, "it was then I realized that giving a real good talking to over the years to some 18,211 fish had become too much, and I was completely burned out of pointless online poker berating". Adding, "I considered moving up levels to where they respect my insults, but already play at those levels, and they don't, and so that one was ruled out"

Well Shaun, whether you choose to insult cash game players over multiple streets, live poker players to their face, or find the will to play those soul-crushing online tournaments once again after your burn-out break - Melted Felt wish you the very best.

MF

 
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