Wednesday, 29 December 2010

Lee Jones Resigns From Cake – The Real Story?

Shocking news, dear Melted Felt readers, to accompany your 4th portion of turkey curry and descent into all those horrible soft-centered chocs which nobody on the whole fvcking planet actually likes. I am referring to the resignation of Lee Jones, respected poker industry insider, published author and serial job-hopper who has suddenly left his position at Cake Poker.

Jones high profile job doing, erm, something vital or other was both extremely important and extra-high powered at Cake – so much so that he had a big job title, a really huge chair and was respected by all his peers who hoped to reach his level one day and do, well, whatever he does? Replying to forum threads, Jones would spell out the bright future for the Cake poker network, dashing any notions that things might be awry, promising to fix any player issues in double quick time - oh, and quite possibly to come round and beat you fvcking senseless if you insulted his customer service team, you scrawny little sh1t.

Such was his influence that several announcements were made concerning ‘great stuff’ which was going to happen ‘really soon’ and would be absolutely fantastic when it did finally occur!

Well, soon just never seemed to get here and *boom* Lee Jones is papering over those gaps in his CV once more as he returns to the job market, citing ‘disagreements’ with the management as the reason for his abrupt departure.

Speculation is currently running wild on various forums and blogs across the interweb. Could it be that there is not enough money to pay players? Something to do with the legislative efforts and Harry Reid bill perhaps? Could it be that Jones’ woke up one morning and actually realized that the Cake Software was sh1t? Payment processing getting too hard that they can no longer cope? You name the reason, and it was suggested.

We would like to speculate that the real truth was far more down to earth, dear Melted Felt readers… that Lee suddenly realized that the glowing respect of the upper management he thought enjoyed was not quite what it seemed. It all came down to the question of why… why oh why did they send him the latest Loreal Curling Tongs and Rehydrating Hot Oil hair treatment set as his Christmas gift??


Thursday, 23 December 2010

The Melted Felt Year In Review 2010 Part #2

I was going to start this post with something profound about watched pots, checking your watch every 5 minutes and watching the watchmen, Dear Melted Felt readers, then again… thought that maybe I should just crack on with the review of the year from roughly where the last piece left off.

July: Paul the octopus may have been murdered by residents of several countries, dear readers, however he had nothing on our slug, who in June of this year predicted the winner of the Sunday Million. In other news a team of Double-Or-Nothing colluders in China were awarded medals and promoted to senior positions within the Politburo.

August: A security flaw at Cake Poker was fixed after high stakes players revealed that you could see actually the reflection of cards as they were being dealt on Lee Jone’s head. There was also a spat this month between poker pros Daniel Negreanu and Annie Duke… using the ‘c-word’.

September: Gus Hansen hit the news twice in Sept of 2010, firstly for winning his first ever hand at the online poker tables – after loosing a record 2,176,103 hands in a row to other high stakes pros. The Brits (hey, that’s me!) showed their great sense of humor at the end of the month by letting the Danish pro win a WSOPE bracelet… hehe.

October: Nits revolted this month as Full Tilt changed their rake calculation to 'contributed'… rather than paying hordes of micro grinders an insultingly low hourly age for folding 98% of hands over 16 tables. We also got our geopolitics all amiss for a while after a German living in London won the inaugural FCOOP.

November: Well, Tony G failing to win Eastgates WSOP bracelet for his dog caught our attention for a bit… oh and the November 9 was eventful for Joseph Cheong’s blow up! First non-Hockey thing Canada have won, like, ever – at least according to this post!

December: Going to be careful here, as I am not sure it is possible to review a month you are still in without getting into some kind of loop. Going to be careful here, as I am not… only joking – this was the liveliest month of the year in the poker news – what with talk of a 15 month blackout in the Harry Reid bill, that particular scenario seems to have passed… though with US politics you just never know!

Looking forward to news-filled 2011… come back soon for our suggestions for your 2011 poker resolutions.

Wednesday, 22 December 2010

The Melted Felt 2010 Year In Review

Time flies, but aeroplanes crash as the saying goes, as another poker year draws to a close. It was the year in which you nearly broke through, the year where just a couple of coin-flips made all the difference, a year where you would have moved up levels to where they respect your raises – if only your luck had held out one fvcking time to allow you to build the bankroll to do so…

Enough about you (and don’t worry, I wont tell anyone!), this post is to take our traditional yearly look backwards and see what was making the poker news headlines through the year.

Jan: Poker changed for ever at the start of the year, when the ever innovative Full Tilt introduced Rush Poker, allowing players to bleed off their bankrolls a few cents at a time in rake faster than ever before. Don’t worry! The players collectively shout, we have rakeback which allows us to bleed off our bankrolls in rake somewhat slower than we otherwise would.

Feb: A storm in a teacup blew into a hurricane this about ‘Bumhunters’ this month on a popular poker forum… referring to heads-up players who deliberately spend their time looking for fish, rather than wasting time playing other grinders. It will go down in poker history as the point where trying to make a profit became, ‘uncool’… on a brighter note we did have a look at the
best poker energy drinks too.

March: This month saw the robbery of the EPT in Berlin – in which a million was stolen by masked armed men. They caught one, who squealed like a stuck pig – ensuring the whole gang are now behind bars. Sticking with the German theme we also reported on the political storm as a German tried (and seemingly failed) to introduce a word into the language for ‘fold’.

April: An Icelandic volcano blew a dust cloud so vast, that it stopped one particular American player getting some in time for the Sunday Million this month. Elsewhere Kentucky continued to throw toys out of their pram in a bid to control the entire internet, starting with those well known ‘gambling devices’ known as, erm, URLs!

May: Poker was discussed in the ‘ways and means’ committee this month, giving renewed hope of some sort of legislative solution by the end of the year. While hope has faded for now, we do appreciate that not having any poker bills to root for will be the equivalent of having repeatedly knocked your head against a brick wall for 4 years… kind of nice when it stops.

June: The world series came and went, and by now the excitement of the stars winning bracelet after bracelet will be forgotten… and you’ll only recall the main event from November. Our spoof piece about Hellmuth winning the main event was just a little too scary for some readers… though I appreciate the positive feedback for my list of 101 things to do during synchronized breaks.

Will continue with part #2 tomrrow (it is already written!)… a quick plug to finish though – I have a Facebook group for the Planet network of sites, and it would be great to see you come and join! I update with the proper strategy articles from SNG Planet and many other sites... The address is


Tuesday, 14 December 2010

15 Months Of No Online Poker? Melted Felt Looks At The Options

Here at Melted Felt, the public-service spirit is seasonally strong. Instead of just rewriting the same old news all the other supposed poker news sites do, we like to think we can help you, the reader.

Today we pat those dear readers who dropped out of college firmly on the back, move our head sideways at the same time as making a sympathetic tutting sound and say, ‘hey, it could be worse sunshine, you could have already moved out of your Moms house and have real bills to pay’.

No More Online Poker: A Quick Look At The Alternatives:

1) Live Poker: A great choice for those with bankrolls who are willing to endure the variance caused by the reluctance of opponents to fold, ever. One word of warning for online pros making the switch, if you threaten to kill people for making bad plays, or hang around insulting peoples mothers after they bust you from a tournament, you are likely to get beaten, and fast – and the rest of the table will hope it really really hurts.

2) Go Back To College: Hey, some of you will still be young enough to fit right back in, you remember the sports, the drinking, the girls… right? Awww, you forgot huh? Ah, it was so important to you that your red line was 0.054118% below fair that you forgot that real people get drunk, fvck and have fun while you are defending your 6-betting light strategy on 2+2 against all who dare question it for 3 days and nights solid… Yep, going back to college might do you some good.

3) A j.o.b: I know, you are not really qualified to do much, and on top of that the present economy means that even burger flippers need to have some prior experience to land those precious min-wage jobs. We suggest starting small and working up, maybe you could flyer your neighborhood to see if anyone wants an occasional dog walker – or offer to clear snow in return for a letter of recommendation and a warm mug of coco. Since you were so adamant that you would never spend your life in an office cubicle, cleaning the toilets of those who do so might seem a little bit of a come-down… but hey, its only for 15 months right? You wait, they’ll soon be begging you to teach them how to extract thin value from polarized river ranges, honest they will.

Look out for more public service posts from Melted Felt real soon!


Thursday, 9 December 2010

Got A Great New Job This Week… Help Required.

It is not often, dear Melted Felt readers, that I call on you for help – today I must do just that. Blogging twisted versions of the poker news lead me to an opening, a contact if you like… seeing a man about a dog with a briefcase sort of a thing….Well, one thing came to another, a nod being as good as a wink to a blind bat, and I found myself on the telephone to none other than the chief exec of the world’s biggest poker site –

You see, I heard there was a ‘lill job going… that all I had to do was convince them I was a Swedish nosebleed stakes poker pro and *wham* the big piles of cash and equally juicy sponsorships would be mine all mine.

It started easily enough, all they wanted to do was test my Swedish credentials. Fortunately I had taken a scene of the Chef from the Muppet Show and edited out all of those squarks when he hits a chicken… the ol-be-bol-le-wol-de-sol-bork-bork-bork was more than enough to get the barriers down and the negotiations begin.

After answering several quick-fire questions on the history of Abba the subject of my hospitality requirements when traveling came up… thinking fast I absolutely insisted on Ikea furniture being shipped (and pre-assembled) to the hotel in advance of every trip. A few poker questions came up, and ‘all-in’ seemed to be the right answer every time.

So, it all sounds good, I have a multi-million sponsorship, the screen name Isildur1 and I’ll be representing Pokerstars at all of the major events from now on.

Just one problem, the one I opened the post with and could do with your assistance on… how actually do you win at Poker? I did not want to stress anyone here, only I have these 250 hand high stakes challenge things starting in just over a week, and my break-even record in the $5 SNGs probably is not enough to get me though... any ideas?

MF (aka Isildur1)

Tuesday, 7 December 2010

PPA Donations Refund Request Template

Poker players throughout the US have been sh1tting a slightly runnier texture of than usual this week, dear Melted Felt readers. The reason being the shocking news that the price of regulated poker includes a forced 15 months of no games at all – and a nice bill from the IRS at the end of every winning year after that. It would also mean no Stars or Tilt for 4 years, and 5 years before being able to relieve those crazy Germans, Weak-tight Brits and maniac Dutchmen of their bankrolls on a regular basis.

In fact, legalized poker does not sound all that great at all…. Remember when you donated that cash to the Poker Players Alliance? The expectation was that they would come up with something which kept you grinding, right? Kept you playing your game? Looked after you, the breakeven multitabling rakeback nerd? Well it looks like the big casinos had deeper pockets than you – so without further ado we bring you the PPA Donations Refund Request Template:

Dear PPA

I am writing to request the return of my donations totaling $___ sent via ___________ in 2008 / 9 / 10. This donation was made under the assumption that you were supporting us, the poker players, in the fight for regulated and legal poker.

By supporting Harry Reid’s bill you have shown clearly that you have no interest in protecting the average American online poker player. Whose livelihoods would be devastated by a blackout a lot less than the 15 months proposed.

In fact, if we had known that the bill you supported would look as if it were written by the big business casinos, our donation could have been sent direct – cutting out your *ahem* ‘lobbying’ expenses such as business class flights and bills from expensive restaurants.

By sending donations directly via the nightclubs in Las Vegas, at least we would have had some entertainment benefits – rather than the false hope and frustration that the PPA has given us for the last few years.

Yours Sincerely,

(sign here)

PS: What is the IRS??


Wednesday, 1 December 2010

Wikileaks Set To SHOCK Poker World

Until now, dear Melted Felt readers, the communications published by the Wikileaks website have been pretty mundane. Dull subjects such as insulting world leaders, suggesting dropping a bomb or two and calling out fat junior members of the British Royals for having a well earned rant have all made the headlines.

Well, here at the coal-face of the cutting edge of the nerve-centre of, erm, poker news, we can bring you the exclusive story that the next round of leaked documents contains some shocking evidence that the poker world is not the big cuddly friendly family you might think! Yes, straight from the voices in our heads, here are some completely fabricated lies REVEALING the leaked info.

- An intercepted e-mail sent by Howard Lederer (sent between counting his huge piles of money) to the pentagon urging a pre-emptive nuclear strike on the Isle of Man. We believe that the term used was, ‘cutting the head off of those stupid cats with no tails’.
- An emergency plan to prevent the proliferation of Rush Poker technology, including detailed contingencies for what to do if these dangerous software sub-routines were to fall into the hands of terrorists.
- A recording of the meeting between the feds and a certain Indian gentleman, formerly involved in the industry as owner of a once great poker site. In which the government officials could be seen rolling on the floor laughing once the meeting ended after securing a payout of several hundred million… includes a preview trailer in which they state their hope of breaching the $3 million mark.
- Sensitive mails sent from Congress to the Fed, in which the subject of QE using only T$ was discussed.
- Detailed correspondence between President Obama and Hillary Clinton debating which Full Tilt avatar was the luckiest, in which Clinton continually questions Barak’s theory that having the woman with big eyes and big tits on screen and playing under the name ‘trixibell1234’ has an ev advantage.
- An idea put forward by the Pentagon that members of 2+2 who suggest moving up levels to where people respect their raises should be immediately tracked down and conscripted into military service in Afganistan.

Well, if the world as we know it is the same as the world as we know it – I’d like to offer a very warm welcome various nations web-monitoring security teams to Melted Felt, the other side of poker news.


Wednesday, 24 November 2010

Moneybookers Rebrand As Krill?

In a news item more explosive than a North Korean mortar, we can reveal that Moneybookers, the really quite good poker deposit option available outside of the US have not actually announced they are to rebrand as ‘Krill’.

Krill, the small shrimp-like crustaceans, are not an obvious name for a eWallet – so we sent the Melted Felt mole to find out more… It turned out that when an analysis was done comparing the amount of money deposited into online poker sites with the amount withdrawn, the staff at MB began to think that Fish – the traditional name for a sh1t poker player – really were actually their core market. The problem was that, well, when you looked at the numbers, ‘Fish’ was actually a little on the kind side…

Going a little further down the food chain, they discovered that there were no fun-sounding synonyms for Plankton. With Krill sitting nicely between the two, and not wishing to offend too many of the aquatic variety of fish by associating them with such terrible poker players – MB settled on Krill for their new name.

Of course, here at Melted Felt we like to go one step further – and so have come up with some great rebranding suggestions for other electronic wallet systems;

Paypal could now become ‘Dr Daniel Obaseki, Senior Official, Ministry Of Finance, Nigeria’ while we do acknowledge that is a little on the long side… it does fit nicely with the apparent ease of making all those fvcking payment reversals… alegedly!

Neteller, could now become ‘DogsA$$hole’, we thought that one fits as the tail-up scampering away view of a canine is actually the most common perspective… and one that fits nicely with the view that US users had when their poker bankrolls were frozen and Neteller went trotting off across the Atlantic…

eWalletXpress… Until recently a great choice for poker depositors… well, there is only one suggestion here right? They should change their name to FedWalletXpress (how about FedEx for short?) as quickly as possible


Monday, 22 November 2010

Quick Fire Monday - Poker News Round Up

It’s Monday, It’s quick, It’s fire… no, hang on a minute, well it is definitely Monday… good enough? Anyway, with poker news under such huge pressure it is streaming out of our orifices… we bring you news of an auction, an aborted share sale and news that you can now play Rush Poker while having a sh1t,

First up, news that the ever-entertaining Tony G is determined to win Peter Eastgate’s WSOP winning bracelet – which has been put up for auction on eBay – and make it into a dog collar for Phil Hellmuth, no, sorry, I mean't his dog 'Zasko'. With 100% of the profits going to charity which does something vaguely good to do with children, the story definitely has the ahhhhh factor. Tony G may or may not be looking for more items for Zasko when this auction concludes – our money is on Chris Ferguson’s cowboy boots, Brunson’s false teeth and, erm, Daniel Negreanu.

Next to the world of big business, where the IPO of Hurrah’s has been withdrawn. A spokesman for the deal cited that the withdrawal was 100% for reasons other than the fact that nobody whatsoever wanted to buy it. There were apparently many of these reasons, including complicated economics and stuff which they could demonstrate using colorful graphs if we really want, and that they were really really sorry to disappoint all those masses of people who were just itching to buy...

Rush Poker is already responsible for decimating the bankrolls of many formerly profitable grinders. One big problem with the game was that players needed to stop when they needed to take a ‘number 2’… the great news – the invention of Rush Mobile means you can now continue to generate rake for Howard while ‘sitting on the throne’ things have moved on since the days of retiring with a newspaper!


Friday, 19 November 2010

The Washington State Poker Players Guide To Pumping Gas!

Now then now then, dear Melted Felt readers, Washington State seem to have elected politicians whose idea of power is to micro-manage away personal freedoms – especially when it comes to easy vote winning ‘moral hazards’ like gambling on the internet. One in particular Margarita Prentice has suggested on TV that the internet grinders whose livelihood she recently took away should ‘Go Pump Gas’.

Here at Melted Felt we like to rise above all the negativity, instead giving you – our valued readers – some practical assistance. You see, pumping gas is actually not that bad compared to grinding, you get to meet other Human beings, the work is a lot more varied than you are used to – and there are real prospects it turning into a blossoming career as a cashier or maybe car-wash operators.

Poker Players Gas Pumping Guide – Multi-Pumping

Of course, it makes sense to start with a single pump while you learn the basic principles of position, tank sizing, and dribble-equity. However, before long you will be bored and want to add more pumps. Starting with just two should be easy enough, though once you get to 4 or 6 pumping you will need to find a way of tracking the stats in a heads-up-pump display. Here we strongly advise not to mix standard, super-unleaded and diesel at the same time - especially when you will face many different levels of driving.

Now, you will want to move up levels to increase your earn-rate as you go along. Most gas pumping pros start out with the standard gas to gain some experience. The argument that you need to move quickly up to Super – where people respect your pumping – is just nonsense. If you can not make a great living with standard then you will be crushed by the higher-performance models. While we all love the extra skill involved in pumping deep-tanked, you will have to get used to a forecourt of many different tank depths and adjust your play accordingly, making a big all-in move on a scooter will usually end messily.

As a break-even gas pumper you will of course need rakeback in order to buy your meager supply of ramen noodles while your luck ‘evens out’. This is where the tougher decisions start – do you focus on single-pumping, where the individual tips will be bigger… or multi-pump, hoping that a small tip from each customer will be balanced by the larger number of tips overall?

Its a tough call, dear Melted Felt pumpers, and maybe you should call up Margarita Prentice’s office and ask for her advice…


Wednesday, 17 November 2010

Crackling Telephone Line Starts Poker Site Garden Implement Warfare

Hohoho, dear Melted Felt readers, and not from the land of the jolly green giant either - as we bring you some shocking news of poker sites signing gardening accessories.

It all started when Ultimate Bet’s valiant effort to hire a more physically attractive team of pros (not that hard, you might think!), by bringing the lovely Maria Ho onto their books, ah Maria… Maria, Maria, Maria...

*Ahem* Anyway, the problem is that the spy employed by rival networks was driving through a tunnel when he broke the news to his bosses. This lead to a little bit of a mix-up in which online poker sites believed that their enemies were entering the garden implement area, triggering a chain reaction of potting-shed sized proportions.

Bwin immediately responded by immediately signing a rake, 2 snow shovels and a heavy-duty pair of pruning sheers to their team, ordering a press release to show off their new found gardening glory, and giving both fractional and decimal odds that no-one would beat them.

Party Poker read about this and were not amused, here they were being legal, wholesome, fluffy and family friendly [you are sure about the fluffy, right? ed] – and their $300 million bung to the Feds did not entitle them to so much as a floral window box with miniature watering can. Going one better, Party immediately offered an electrical hedge trimmer in a prize draw for all depositors in the next few days, provided they were prepared to fight through a field or 12,000 Russians with no fold buttons to win it.

Cake Poker reiterated their ‘no tools’ policy, planting seeds by making holes in the ground with their fingers only, then personally sh1tting on them instead of using chemical fertilizer.

Of course the topiary themed inducements to deposit did not escape the notice of Howard Lederer… whose personal assistant clambered over several gigantic piles of lovely money to bring him the outdoor-themed news. Within minutes a software upgrade was on the servers and satellites were running to the RTOPS, a championship series in which the winner of every tournament received their own rotorvator, sit-in-lawnmower or front-n-back yard matching set of sonic mole repellants.

We would love to tell you that this was the end of the matter, dear Melted Felt readers, that things settled down from here. Bulbs and seed packages were added to frequent player point stores, training videos on effective weeding were added to Cardrunners, forum wars started on the effective methods of creating shrubberies - and they all lived happily ever after… alas no.

Pokerstars have just announced their Combine-harvester freeroll series, complete with televised final table, qualifiers and, well, a big fvck-off expensive combine-harvester for the winner.

We already qualified for round 2.


Monday, 15 November 2010

A Fish-Themed Quick-Fire Monday

Fish might not be the first thing you think of on a Monday morning, dear Melted Felt readers, in fact it may not even be the 3rd thing. For a change even more tangy than a pickled herring, we bring you a completely fish-themed update of poker news, in today’s Quick-fire Monday

For many years the poker waters of the British Isles were considered dangerous, lurking beneath the shimmering surface was none other than the Devilfish – a poker creature even more frightening than the bubbles and red-paint-in-water effects of 80’s piranha films. It all came as a bit of a shock to find out that the poker site of the same name turned out to be a minnow… you know, a little too big for bait, and not quite big enough to bother to keep. A purchaser ummed, ahhhed and eventually bought the site for a few bucks – a case of the one that got away?

Adding to the fishy misery, haddock-munching residents of Washington State are reeling from another lead-weighted disaster, as the wide net of the law forces Full Tilt Poker to stop accepting bait from WA players. Scholes of break-even rakeback grinders are now facing a dilemma worthy of Nietszche – to take the shame and play on Cereus, or queue for jobs at the local cannery??

Well, I was hoping for a 3rd fish-themed poker news item this morning, and with the exception of a few g-list celebs signing for H-list poker sites it all seems too early in the week for the news to have broken… hang on in there dear Melted Felt readers, I have a feeling in my water that this will be a busy few days!


Thursday, 11 November 2010

Canada Go Wild After Winning First Non-Hockey Thing Ever

As yet another dull, young poker pro scoops the big prize in the World Series of Poker Main Event we duly take note – dear Melted Felt readers, that this one is in fact a Canadian.

With nation after nation sending their early 20’s bedroom locked online pro grinders to the games, it was only a matter of time before a we saw a string of personality-challenged ambassadors for maximizing your ev over 16 tables 12 hours a day win the biggest pot of cash in the poker game.

What is different this time is that this is the first time in the whole of history that Canada – a cold and barren annex of the USA – has won anything at all which is not directly related to ice hockey.

Celebrating the win wearing, erm, Hockey shirts, the fans of Jonathan Duhamel were probably not even aware of the harsh disqualification of the last international contest winner from Canada - Fanny McDermot.

In 1903 Fanny won an international knitting competition, coming up with an absolutely lovely scarf using a smashing maple-leaf design. As the entire nation went to celebrate (wearing Hockey shirts of course), Fanny was found to have knitted two and pearled one – which was strictly against the rules of the competition, and thus was disqualified… starting Canada’s 107 year-long run of winning nothing at all what-so-ever.

Canada – which only started as a country only after so many US travelers claimed to be from there that someone took the initiative and actually went and created it – has reportedly going wild all week. We have it on good authority that certain revelers in Toronto were considering drinking a 3rd beer in the same night (steady now), while in Montreal the traditional meal of fried penguin was being washed down with white wine and soda diluted well above the normal 25 parts to 1 and plans were being made to stay up past the nationally designated bed-time of 10:15pm.

Flush with their success, Canada is apparently planning audacious attempts at new international competitions which also do not directly relate to hockey, herrings or polar bears… in the meantime we would like to congratulate Jon Duhamel, and express our condolences to the rest of the utterly dull 20 something grinders whose names have already been forgotten… apart from the nutcase with the ace-seven of course!


Monday, 8 November 2010

Shaun Deeb Joins Bluefire Poker Training

Monday mornings do not get much easier for the writers of poker satire blogs than this, dear Melted Felt readers. Sometimes the poker news lurks in dark corners, under rocks or, well, in the very last place you look. Other times it smacks you around the head like a giant frying pan in a slapstick comedy, complete with ‘booooiinngggg; noise.

Well, where do you think that Shaun Deeb signing with a poker training site fits in??

The former tournament maestro will be taking his personal brand of poker to the masses, filling in gaps in Bluefire’s video lineup including:

- Effective Berating Techniques: Ever been in a situation where you thought of an absolute killer reply around 10 minutes after the opponent who gave you a hard time moved tables? Well worry no more, Shaun is all lined up to teach ‘levels of breation’. Taking us from the basic put-downs all the way through to advanced techniques in making your previously proud opponent feel like a fool.

- Crushing Female Only Tournaments In Drag: No No, not the old ‘use a female user name’ online routine that everyone thinks is their own oh-so-fvcking original idea until they find themselves playing with 6 other supermodel pic avatars, 1 dog and 1 ugly baby. This is the real deal, including make-up tips, choosing a dress which best suits your complexion and how to get that cleavage just-right.

- Effective Middle Name Adoption: Well, Shaun ‘Fvucking’ Deeb has already gone… and this video will teach you to find your own subtle, yet effective middle name. Some of the killer techniques in this series will include planning a middle name over various career streets, getting your opponents to give the right middle name to you, and how to avoid choosing a middle name which makes you sound like a right twat in different languages.

We can’t wait!


Friday, 5 November 2010

The Melted Felt Guide To The November Nine

It only seems like 5 minutes ago, dear Melted Felt readers, when the last interesting poker personality was dumped out of the 2010 World Series and we wandered off to grab a snack. Now, sensationally, they are b-b-b-b-b-back… the 9 surviving players in this years biggest poker tournament are preparing to do battle, hacks worldwide are getting ‘when the dust cleared’ and other clichés ready for the write-ups and we are trying really hard to remember who those other 8 dudes playing Michael Mizrachi actually were… let me assist you, with the Melted Felt cut-out-and-keep (well, after printing it) guide to the November 9.

1 – Michael Mizrachi – The Mizrachi family of 1,743 bothers were actually part of an early cloning experiment which went wrong. By having more then 25% of the field, the chances of a Mizrachi final tablist were strong. The grinder is a feared poker pro who some people had actually heard of before the event, or was that his brother?

2 – Random White Guy With A Big Stack – We seem to recall one of the random whiteys had quite a lot of chips, no beard, and was not a logger. If previous years are anything to go by we would bet a lot of cash on this guy coming 2nd, in fact I’m going to my bookmaker now to ask for the line...

3 – Wasn’t There An Asian Looking One? Yeah, damn sure there was.

4 – Wassis-Name – You know, played that big hand with thingi-mi-jig and rivered a 10, or was it on the turn. Anyway, this guy is bound to have some chips, well, they all are really.

5 – Thingy-ma-jig – Well, have you been paying attention, he probably has a small stack, after playing that hand with Wassis-name

6 – Its-On-The-Tip-Of-My-Tongue – You know, that online player who we have all been huge fans of for many years, plays under the name, erm, hang on a bit… I have it written down here somewhere. Might use the avatar of the man-eating plant on Full Tilt, or was that someone else…

7 – That Bland Looking One – The player in his late 20’s or maybe early 30’s, looks ordinary enough, kind of boring really. You can spot this guy at the tables by the way he absent mindedly ruffles his chips. I’d expect he has a medium sized stack and will inevitably bust around half way through the final table.

8 – Was there another Asian guy? Just have this feeling we might be one Asian-American short of a full final table in our summary.

9 – The Stand-In – Would we know if they had switched one of the players? Really, would we know??

Hope that helps, right, decision made – I’m off to my bookies to put $1000 on Wassis-name.


Tuesday, 2 November 2010

Negreanu Furious As Waitress Slowrolls His EPT Tofu Lunch

Microwave-reheated hot news from the EPT Vienna, dear Melted Felt readers. As you may or may not know, nothing winds up a tofu muncher like a slowroll, and when the two things are combined – well you had better get the vegetables ready to be steamed by the jets coming out of each ear…

It started innocently enough, Dan the man perused the menu, noticing that those crazy Austrians do enjoy a tasty animal to munch on. When he asked a waitress whether there were any vegetarian options the first reaction was a shocked blank stare… did this guy not know that the entire Hungarian royal family were put to the sword for requesting ‘just a little salad’ rather than the charred leg of a formerly proud creature for their lunch?

In the end the head chef, Amadeus Wienerschnitzelhoff was called and agreed to cook up a nice combo of chemicals, bean curd and sour milk – along with some nice fresh roasted veg, potatoes and half of a wild boar on the side, even though (strictly speaking) he was prohibited from serving such hippy muck under the terms of the treaty of Versailles. Declining the dead boar in favor of some sweet chilli sauce, Negreanu thought that was the last of the incident and tucked a napkin into his shirt in anticipation of his meat-free feast.

This is where the story splits into two, Daniel claiming he was deliberately slowrolled, with the waitress twice appearing with a plate, moving towards him and then swerving at the last minute and returning to the kitchen. Amadeus explains things in different ways, after sending out several of his kitchen staff with knives, guns and table legs to actually kill a 'tofu' and return it to the kitchen… he had experienced some doubts that he was serving the correct creature - and that this was simply a communication error.

After an hour and a half the dish finally arrived, Doris, the waitress waiting a full 20 seconds before taking the lid off of the plate to reveal, deliciously flavored tofu, crunchy roasted vegetables, fluffy and creamy mashed potato – and of course, the turned nut straight.


Sunday, 31 October 2010

5 Scariest Poker Celebs

Well, its Halloween, a meaningless historical artifact loved by candy manufacturers and Chinese factories which specialize in the mass-production of plastic sh1t. What better then, dear Melted Felt readers, than to jump on the bandwagon of journalistic clichés and come up with something, well, a bit scary?

Here we go then, the Melted Felt 5 scariest poker celebs

#1 – Phil Hellmuth, Terrifying innocent bystanders with his flappy jowel this all hallows eve, Big Phil costumes are a sure-fire winner for a bumper candy collection. Just the merest hint of a perceived threat of possibly unleashing the awesome dark powers of the Hellmuth ego are enough to leave the living trembling in their carpet-slippers.

#2 – Gus Hansen, Already regularly mistaken for Skeletor from 80’s cartoon favorite ‘Masters of the Universe’, Hansen’s ability to haunt is actually supplied from special evil rays which he collects through his ears. The only way to stop this threat to sensible global pre-flop hand selection would be stop the rays themselves - by breaking into the Carlsberg brewery, Denmark’s most heavily fortified installation.

#3 – Luke Schwartz. Lock up your daughters and, erm, cheese sandwiches this Halloween, dear Melted Felt readers – as Fullflush1 may just be unleashed. Such evil lurks that merely denying this Englishman some seasonal candy could result in the disaster of having a tag spray-painted on your wall.

#4 – Tony G. To some, Tony is a talkative super-hero who does his best to regularly save the world from the evil twins of Peace and Quiet using a stream of largely nonsensical banter… Don’t be fooled, dear Melted Felt readers, behind the mask of joviality lurks a sharp mind with many business interests. While using his entertaining blog as a front, the evil genius of the Tony is looking to take over the poker world, using M&A activities, maybe.

#5 – Dan Harrington. While we are unable to confirm rumors that recent hall of fame entrant Harrington has been dead for almost a decade. We can certainly certify that one look at Dan’s super-pale complexion is enough to leave real ghosts cowering behind Phil Ivey for protection. Our advisory for readers is not to approach Harrington at any point this Halloween before reading ‘Harrington on Trick or Treating, volume 3’ cover to cover.

Just remembered a post from a couple of years ago about a guy who dropped out of college to become a trick or treating pro… you can read it Right Here


Wednesday, 27 October 2010

Quick Fire Wednesday - Poker News Roundup

Time for another quick-fire round up of the online poker news, dear Melted Felt readers, as we reach the middle of a week in which bots were banned, the French rioted and Phil Ivey shocked the world by admitting for the first time that he may actually have a dick, no, erm, we mean might actually be tiltable.

- First up 100's of poker bots are to appeal against their ban from Full Tilt this week, on the grounds that they are actually good for the game. The software-based poker players argue that by providing liquidly to the games and generating a ton of rake, that they are actually contributing to the poker economy and a making money for the poker room. Sounds uncannily like the argument used by the rakeback grinders to me... ah well, at least the bots occasionally make bets without a set.

- Next news that French historians have been called on to do a 'Charles-de-Gaul job', and fast. After a German living in London won the French Championship Of Online Poker, the nation of onion selling soap-dodgers were appauled. Calling on their historians was the obvious option, after all they did a great job of convincing the entire French population that the US and UK were absolutely nothing to do with their liberation at the end of WW2... so 'frenchifying' the FCOOP should be a piece of gateaux.

- Phil Ivey made the news this week, after a craps session in the Wynne he was reported as, well, tilting really - handing out obscenties and all that. Now, since we know it is possible I'd like to announce a special Melted Felt contest. Simply be the first to tilt Ivey at the poker tables any time between now and the 26th October 2010 - and I will personally give you a fully trained adult live Sealion. Now, come on folks, what other poker blog offers prizes like that?


Monday, 25 October 2010

Inaugural “Rush Poker Live” Event Hailed As A Success

A strange mixture of poker players, athletes and body builders descended upon an aircraft hangar in California yesterday afternoon, for the first ever “Rush Poker Live” event. Just over two thousand players took part , and the aim was to whittle down that number to just nine in forty-five minutes.

The event worked like this. All the players started off sat at a table, but the moment the player wasn’t involved in the current hand, he was free to join another table. These tables were marked by a person standing on the table with a paddle saying “seats available”. The race to these tables was survival of the fittest, and a free for all. The moment that table was full, another table would become available.

It was frenetic and fun.

The Jamaican athlete Usain Bolt was the most active player in the first twenty minutes, but found himself out of the tournament when he was disqualified after one of his trademark poses managed to poke Gus Hansen in the eye, putting Hansen on the sidelines too.

Injuries were commonplace, and the fact that there were only two fatalities in the whole event was greeted with a general thumbs-up, as the Vegas line was set at five and a half.

There was a shock at the final table, as Doyle Brunson took his seat. When asked how he did it, he said “Well, I folded seven-nine off in the first hand of the day, and I haven’t played a damned hand since.”

The final table was a much calmer affair, amid the spotlight of the cameras, and the groans of the injured. Brunson and his short stack went soon, and the final three were Helmut von Huerdigen, a weightlifter from Bavaria, KipKoech Kipka, a middle distance runner from Kenya and Clark Kent, a newspaper reporter from Metropolis, USA.

The winner was Clark Kent, who won very easily in the end. Von Huerdigen, the runner-up, congratulated him by saying, “Well done. You were very good. It was almost as if you could see our cards!”

A great days entertainment and I’m sure it won’t be the last.


PS: This was a quality guest post from blogger Nick aka 'Cloudyman'- who is doing a fundraiser for the UK's premier childrens hospital - Great Ormond Street (happens to have had an important role in my own family history). To check out his endeavors and challenge him in return for your donation visit:

Friday, 22 October 2010

Now On Pre-Order: Harrington On Poker Halls Of Fame, Vol 1

Do not be frightened, dearest Melted Felt readers, it was not a ghost, ghoul or ghastly apparition you just saw – just the friendly yet pale face of former WSOP winner and prolific author Dan Harrington.

You see, Action Dan just got admitted to the ultimate poker players club – the poker hall of fame. According to the ever reliable source of those voices in our head, no sooner was the entry confirmed than the short-dial button to Bill Roberty was clicked and yet another book started.

Yes, dear readers for just $29.95 you can be the proud order of ‘Harrington On Halls Of Fame – Volume 1’. Here is a sneak preview of the contents:

- Harrington’s ‘H’, how the changing H score affects your strategy at various times during your quest to enter a hall of fame.
- Different types of bluff and how to effectively deceive your opponents concerning the strength of your hall of fame claim.
- Nomination Odds, how to adjust your bet sizing to ensure you see the best possible nomination odds by the river.
- Judge Texture, Dan the man explains how the make up of the judging panel combines with the strength of your hand to influence how much money you *ahem* need to *cough* “bet”.
- How To Get Bill Robertie to write yet another book for you, by merely hinting at a possible mere mention of those polaroid latex gimp suit pictures from 1983.

I’m looking forward to the advanced strategy in volume 2, which details how to build a huge highly leveraged empire in real estate – which as everyone knows, only ever goes up in price… no, wait….


Wednesday, 20 October 2010

Poker Joy As 100’s FINALLY Get To Say, “Told You So!”

It is not often we get to report on occasions of unbridled joy and mass rejoicing, dear Melted Felt readers – and no, I am not referring to Foxwoods managing to turn 2 fishes and 5 loaves into 23 tournament payouts either… News emerged this week of another scandal at Cereus Poker, horray!

For those convinced that Cereus was rotten to the core it has been a long hard 2-year stint of no conclusive evidence of much at all. A worthy and thorough investigation by UB’s head of not being gay Joe Sebok, turned up not much more than an extended list of the Ids used. False alarms on forums often turned out to be disgruntled multi-accounters whose 15 year old brother accomplice got caught… it was bleak.

Now, a collective sigh of relief, those holding their breath can breathe freely again* and those who dedicated their time and efforts into making forum posts pointing out the similarities between Cereus and the 3rd Reich can now feel like their pitiful existences had some meaning after all – there have been calls of cheating – “WE TOLD YOU SO!!!”
*at this point in the post I’d like to pass on the condolences of Melted Felt to the relatives of Bryan T, 22 from NJ – who held his breath after reading the NoiNoi story and kind of forgot to ever breathe again.

It turns out that the bad-beat jackpot is under the spotlight by the new owners, who are asking some seriously legal / contractual questions such as, “was it rigged, eh?” and, “Where is the money, then?”.

What is best of all is that, in the good old fashioned system used by supernatural diety worshipers everywhere – the challenge is to prove a negative… prove that its not rigged folks, just show show show us!

Right, enough writing here for me…. I’m off to tell lots of people who have no strong feelings one way or the other that I f-in well Told ‘em so, before working out the true ev of my Keno play over the last 4 years and putting in a claim, maybe.


Monday, 18 October 2010

Poker World Baffled As Nobody Wins Sunday Majors

The poker world was left scratching its collective head this morning, dear Melted Felt readers, trying to work out how come nobody won any of the Sunday majors. Journalists were left with their clichés hanging in mid-air, railbirds were puzzled as to what happened while they stepped out for a moment to go to the kitchen and the poker sites themselves were at a loss to say who they actually shipped the money to.

Pokerstars Sunday Million was the biggest mystery of all. It was all going to plan as we got down to the final table, a couple of pro grinders fighting it out with the remaining donks. As the final table was formed muffled cheers came from all over the world, with those hacks ready with their ‘Player X put Y to the ultimate test’ and ‘made the call, flipping up’ ready to be cut and pasted into their write up.

Then, well, everyone kind of lost interest. They got up and wandered off, some popped out for a smoke, others munched a tasty snack. Somehow nobody could be bothered to come back, and when the game was cancelled, well, that was no big deal.

Over at Full Tilt the Monthly million suffered a similar fate. Curiously, since there were no big names left for the final table, the railers switched off and went to bed. For some reason this set up enough momentum for the players to start doing them same. Howard Lederer, then looked up from counting yet another of his gigantic piles of cash, saw that there was nobody left and casually hit the off switch.

At Party Poker the 300k seemed to be going fine, with limping pre-flop causing the fold button to disappear for the rest of the hand as usual. During the final the 2 British players wandered off to make a cup of tea, the Nordic guys stopped playing to watch a replay of the Man U match, the Frenchy went on strike and the lone German realized that he lost all his chips while the blinds were 50 / 100 and finally stopped hitting the raise button.

Well, dearest readers, I always knew that conspiracy theories were actually created by governments to keep us from the real truth, and that, erm, proves it.


Thursday, 7 October 2010

Would You Join The MFCOOP?

Seems to me that there is a COOP, TOPS or, erm, OC every five minutes these days, dear Melted Felt readers. Not just the big events any more, regional / language OOPS, mini-TOPs and championships played at poker sites which have f-all players too.

Well, the thing is these events are getting dull, looking at the schedules used to be interesting – you could see what was different this time. Now the schedules are pretty much all the same, they have become a list of numbers.

So, dear readers, I pondered how we might make an online poker tournaments championship a little more interesting – and came up with the idea that it should mimic real-life better than the existing events. My COOP would be tailored to different player types, with special structures to suit different types of degenerates… my question is; will you be joining us for the MFCOOP?

MFCOOP Schedule Of Events

Event #1 - $215 Stoned No-Limit Holdem Super-Deep Stack Knockout (3 Year Event)

Especially for players who love a bowl during their synchronized breaks, this event acknowledges that life is great when you are stoned, and that all those idiots who actually leave their homes to have social interactions, work and enjoy sporting events (for example) ‘just don’t get it, man’.

Entry requirements are that this is for players between 18 and 22 years of age (too few who still think smoking is cool after this). This is a super-deep stacked event, and as players get knocked out a sign will come up saying ‘Quit The Weed, Joined Rat Race - Sigh’. Just like in real life a big group will start the game, leaving one at a time until there is just one stoner alone in 3 years time wondering why they have no friends, no prospects, no qualifications and no money. First prize is a 6 month supply of the very best lung-cancer medication.

Event #2 – $109 Rigged Fixed Limit Holdem

Well, so many players think that poker is rigged that I thought the MFCOOP should go out of its way to prove them right. This event will feature river cards so horrible that a little bit of sick will involuntarily jump into the back of your throat. Straight-flushes will regularly hit, ruining flopped quads, aces will always appear when you hold kings – and the worst hand will somehow get there. Making it fixed-limit should ensure the maximum number of chat-box whiners as we will see a lot of rivers.

Event #3 - $530 Nits Pot-Limit Omaha

This one is specially designed for players who fold 95% of hands in PLO games, raising only aces and then refusing to fold them. Since this play alerts aware opponents to your hand while the bets are small, allowing them to call with any 4 cards to try and outdraw you, we needed to balance things out a little. To make things more interesting I thought we should add another 26 aces to the deck for this event, ensuring that players who think that an A-A-3-7 rainbow is good for calling a huge pot bet on the river of a 9-10-J-Q-Q board with flush possible can get full value for their money, or maybe not.

Only 3 events and this post is already looooonngggg

I did have several more ideas – will save them for another post.


Tuesday, 5 October 2010

Quick Fire Tuesday - A Poker News Roundup

A quick fire bullet point in your face round up today, Dear Melted Felt readers. News is coming in thick and fast… starting with some sad news about the Bogdog Poker Open.

- Yes, dear readers, the scheduled events as sh1te poker site Bogdog’s premier online poker tournament festival were supposed to be 3 handed. However, one of Bogdog’s 3 players has called in sick with a bit of a sore throat and a general all-over ache… meaning that the events will have to be heads-up. Shame, as someone would have had a lucrative bye to the final table of the actual heads-up event.

- Beavers ran for safety last week as angry North Westerners lashed out after being banned from Pokerstars by some f-cked up judges in Washington State. News on the grapevine is that use of Proxies and other technology is working well – forcing Stars to put measures in place to catch the crafty north-west folks. This includes a logoed ‘booster shoe’ in the VIP store, having one leg shorter than the other up there these guys simply can not resist the chance to have something stop them walking round in circles – and so try to order the 5 inch elevated left shoes… getting themselves banned in the process. Rumor has it that Stars are developing special software to spot players with permanently open dribbling mouths too….

- David Vamplew took down the EPT London this week for a cool £900,000 – I estimate this as around £100,000 short of the amount such an ugly looking geek might need to actually get laid (bitter? Who me?!)

- Finally, Carlos Mortensen has been chosen to captain the Spanish team for the World Team Poker event. Other team members include Carlos Mortensen, C Mortensen, Mr Mortensen and some guy called Carlos M… while it is hoped some other players from Spain will actually understand poker in time for the event, the evidence we have seen online makes this outcome extremely doubtful…


Friday, 1 October 2010

Nits Up In Arms After FTP Change Rake Calculation

It is not often you hear from nits, dear Melted Felt readers, usually they are just there – clicking away mining sets and generally alerting anyone who is half awake to fold fast when they do eventually bet. Today the nits are out in force, standing alongside the rocks and short-stackers to cry ‘foul’ at the latest changes over at Full Tilt Poker.

These changes involve the way that rake is calculated. Whereas previously you only had to be dealt into the hand to receive a tasty morsel of rakeback – now you have to actually contribute to the pot before chomping a bolus of change. Not only that, the size of your contribution to the pot will now determine what proportion of the rake comes to you.

In other words, instead of getting everyone else’s rake, players will only get that good old fashioned 27% of their own rake back. If I were head of a marketing department I’d come up with a catchy – yet short – term for this system… maybe ‘Rakeback’ would work well?

Making playing at 8/6 over 16 tables unprofitable will probably loosen up the games and make them more profitable for those players who actually enjoy playing poker. Though as we found out speaking to ‘Jed’ from MN, it has left the careers of some players in tatters.

“My story started back in 2005”, began Jed, “I dropped out of business school after realizing that it was possible to make a great living by clicking the ‘fold’ button at Full Tilt Poker”. Pausing to pull a particularly annoying hair from his nostril, Jed continued, “I started off folding at 5c / 10c and worked my way up to not playing many hands at $1 / $2 where folding could earn me a great hourly rate”. The bitterness apparent as our pro continued, “I was living the American fcking dream, exercising my constitutional right to sit in a dark room for 12 hours a day with extremely poor personal hygiene as a professional ‘folder’”

We put it to Jed that the solution was simple – he just needed to play a few more pots, maybe a 12 /10 or 14/9 kind of style ought to do it?

He just stared at us blankly for what seemed like seconds, before shrugging and admitting that – like all the other professional folders – he never actually learned how to play poker, and after all, the games are getting tougher and tougher…

If you are a nit affected by this decision please feel free to write and tell is how you managed to delude yourselves that you were positive contributors to the poker economy for so long, after reading all the crap here at Melted Felt, we could do with a laugh.


Wednesday, 29 September 2010

Brits Maintain Great Humor Traditions By Letting Hansen Win WSOPE Bracelet

Well, us Brits might have bad teeth, bad weather and a bad record at international sporting events… but one thing we can be very proud of is our tradition of drinking 8 pints of strong lager fast before kicking the shi [back on topic please – Ed], no, sorry, erm, I meant that we can be proud of our tradition of humor, that was it, you know – funny stuff.

The Brit-list contains the cream of people who sometimes make you laugh, including such names as Monty Python, Monty Python, and, erm, oh yeah - Monty Python… The poker world was in for a humor-overload this week as the London based staff of the WSOPE decided to have a bit of a chuckle – allegedly using fixed decks to let none other than Gus Hansen win the heads-up bracelet.

Hansen, who only very recently won his first ever pot in an online cash game, used to win poker tournaments way back – when opponents used to fold every time they did not have aces. As the poker world progressed and people realized what a continuation bet, semi bluff and squeeze actually were Hansen crumbled… going on a losing streak that would bankrupt players with less lucrative sponsorship deals.

According to staff the decision was made to let Hansen take the heads-up bracelet was made one night in the pub over a pint of wife-beater and packet of scampi flavored fries. “Well,” said Cherry, a single mother of six who was dealing cards as a nice quiet break from prostitution, “all these big names flashing the cash, we thought it would be fun to see if we could let the fish win for once” continuing, “did you like the 2 on the river? Brian thought of that half way through a kebab last Thursday.”

Well, the £288,000 first prize is certainly not chump change to most of us… apparently Ivey, Durrrr and Antonius are already considering a $2 million prop bet for whoever takes it from Gus first…


Monday, 27 September 2010

Back From Vacation – And Happy To See My WSOPE Horses Running Great!

I know, deep in my furred up veins, that you missed me dear Melted Felt readers. The good news is that I am now officially back from vacation… the not so good news is that the goings on in the poker world over the past 10 days are a mystery to me for the moment.

Fortunately, before leaving, I got a phone call from a couple of hard up poker players asking for a stake in the WSOPE main event. Well, even though I’m not usually one to spread my risk the players were not too bad – so I bought 20% of Viktor Blom and 25% of Phil Ivey, just to help them out a little you understand.

Turns out that they both had decent runs, wish I had not hung up on Gus Hansen now though when he asked me for 15% backing for the champions event.

Ah well, 2 out of 3 aint bad.

Will get the MF mole out to work and be right back with some incisive news soon!


Thursday, 16 September 2010

Britain’s Tom Broadbent To Set More Records Straight

Nobody likes a cheater, dear Melted Felt readers, and the BBC went out of there way to expose some a ring of poker colluders recently in such a way as to make millions of non-players turn their hands face up, shrug and say, ‘told you so’- even though they almost certainly did not tell this to anyone at all.

One man, by the name of Tom Broadbent, took his mild-mannered Englishness to the coast of Kuala-Lumpur, no, sorry, I meant all the way to China, to report collusion by the Chinese Olympic synchronized double or nothing team to their backers themselves – the Beijing Police force. Tom will go one better next month when he goes back to ask how the *cough* investigation is going.

Well, here at Melted Felt we think that Tom is doing a great, if utterly pointless, job. However, being carbon-friendly [we are?? – Ed], we would like to suggest that Mr B stops off in a futile attempt right some more wrongs, either on his way there or back - as preferred.

If possible Tom, could you please stop off in the Indian city of Mumbai – formerly Bombay – on the way and see if you can get a complaint in to the government there about their bleedin Bombay Duck. I don’t know about you but I am just sick of thinking some tender (if fatty) roasted poultry has been ordered – only to be served with a bit of stinking dried fish.

We realize it is a small diversion for you Tom, however it would be great if you could make a diversion to the USA – specifically Congress. Now, complaining that the majority of bathrooms do not actually contain a bath may seem like small-beer to you – however, with a little support from the Mid-West Bath Fitter’s lobby you’ll probably have more success than trying to teach the Chinese how to suck eggs.

In fact you could go east to west and then cross the pacific Tom – this way you could stop off in Japan and ask them for just one more apology for the war… oh goooo onnnn, please please please, one more apology wont hurt, will it now? We know damn well they had their fingers crossed behind their back last time. Maybe you could also get an apology for that f-in awful Hello Kitty while you are there, and scope out the possibility of an online pachinko game?

That should be enough to be going on with Mr B, if the DoN colluders thing goes badly you could always go down the ‘Dalai Lama supports poker collusion’ route, and see if you can do any better with that? Right, I'm off to take some powdered tiger paw medicine, it makes you unbeatable in Double or Nothing SNGs...


PS: I’m on vacation for a week starting tomorrow… I know you’ll miss me… be back before you know it!!

Tuesday, 14 September 2010

Repetitive Strain Injury Association To Sponsor Pokerstars 50 Billionth Hand Promo?

In a news item that just subconsciously gave it’s right wrist a little rub, we can reveal that the Repetitive Strain Injury Association are ‘giving back’ to Pokerstars – by sponsoring the 50 Billionth hand promotion coming up soon.

By way of saying ‘thanks’ for the huge number of otherwise healthy young players developing incurable ailments including the truly painful DeQuervains syndrome or stenosing tenosynovitis – the RSI people have come up with a sponsorship package which will add cash to the pockets of many aspiring cripples.

While the winner of the 50 Billionth hand will get an honorary degree in Tennis Elbow studies – it is the cumulative points-based bonuses which caught our eye, these include:

- Play 10,000 hands during the month and receive an additional embossed ‘Carpal Tunnel Is Painful As Hell’ certificate.
- Those reaching 20,000 hands will receive some of the strongest painkillers available without prescription to help ease their cubital tunnel syndrome symptoms.
- Anyone clocking 50,000 hands will get a token to a freeroll in which they can win a home help for a whole year. This will be great for helping with those everyday tasks the winners can no longer carry out – such as getting dressed, eating breakfast and wiping their own a$$.

In other news the RSI society have announced a special poker controller which is designed to cope with the twin vices of online gambling and p0rn. The amazing innovation to be released soon is known as the Poker C0cktroller – and will enable multi-tabling at the same time as cracking one off… all in a wrist-friendly setup.

Sounds almost too good to be true to me, dearest Melted Felt readers, I recommend you get clicking right away – after all, if you just had average luck you’d crush the games at the same time as permanently damaging your wrists!


Sunday, 12 September 2010

International Relief As 'Theory Of Poker' Burning Cancelled

Poker players in violent nations worldwide breathed a sigh of relief yesterday, dear Melted Felt readers. As pastor John Cleese, no, erm, I mean Terry Jones, did not in fact go ahead with the burning of their sacred text – Sklansky’s ‘Theory Of Poker’.

Jone’s plan had already drawn criticism from around the world, with poker players in Afganistan actually stopping making roadside bombs for long enough to attempt a raid on a local distributor of ‘Harrington On Holdem’

Obama himself criticized the planned burning, publicly stating that everyone knew that playing your hand differently to how you would play it if you knew what your opponent held was an issue of national security. Later calling for a new hardback edition of ‘Supersystem’ with added chapters in Budugi and Capped PLO game strategy to help strengthen the generally f-ked up economy.

It seems that instead of completely canceling the burning, Pastor Michael Palin, no, sorry, I meant Terry Jones, had left open the option of setting fire to the seminal poker-tome at some later date. Suggesting that it can be correct in some circumstances to turn down a positive expectation bonfire of books, in order to have a higher expectations on future literary pyres… mind you, he might have been bluffing.


Thursday, 9 September 2010

Re-Usable High Stakes Online Poker News Template

Are you a blogger? Writer for a popular poker news site? Writer for a non-popular poker news site which simply copies articles from the popular news sites? Forum ‘expert’ on the high stakes action???

Well, even if you are just an interested player – grab a coin and a dice* and enjoy or generic – and oh so slightly random - high stakes review article that you can use again and again, they'll never know the f-in difference.

During this article creation template we will randomize both the players, size of wins and the dull coin-flip and equity based easy calls which get reported as news.

This is where your dice* comes in handy, take flip of your coin for the 'heads' or 'tails' list and roll a number choose from the players below each time a player is required in your article, if you duplicate then just roll again:

Heads List:

1 – Tom ‘Durrrr’ Dwan
2 – Gus Hansen
3 – Phil Ivey
4 – Cole South
5 – Brian Hastings
6 – Ziigmund

Tails List:

1 – Jungleman12
2 – Phil Galfond
3 – Patrik Antonius
4 – David Oppenheim
5 – Isildur1
6 – URnotINdanger2

Next we give a summary, detailing ‘last nights action’, note we will fill this up with adjectives which make the completely dull action sound exciting!

In enthralling night of high stakes action some massive pots changed hands, the eye-watering PLO and NLHE games saw many fantastic 5 figure pots and some amazing soul-reads. When the dust settled {Player X}, {Player Y} and {Player Z} were the big winners of the night with {Player A} finishing the session a cool {roll the dice* here then add 5 random figures} so, $591,318 ahead. With the biggest losers being {Player B} and {Player C}, who lost an eye-watering (Roll + 5 random digits again) bringing their total loss for the month to (multiply last nights loss by 2.38).

(Next we mention some specific big hands, and go into the play a little without actually explaining the thinking)

One huge pot came up in the No Limit Holdem match between {Player X} and {Player G}. X opened from the button with (insert mid strength hand here) and was 3 bet by G, the flop came (insert any reasonably draw heavy board here) giving player A top pair and a flush draw, player G lead for the pot and player X re-raised all in. When the dust settled player G’s flop set of 6’s was not good enough to beat the nut flush and the pot of (Roll+5 random figures) was pushed player X’s way.

(1 or two more of these required to flesh out the article, dear Melted Felt readers, if you can include some coin-flip type PLO hands then all the better.)

We end with a quick summary of who is up and down on the week and on the month – this again requires your coin and dice* combination. My last suggestion is to roll the dice 3 times to get a big score – and then put this next to Gus Hansen’s name as a monthly ‘down’, it should add that plausibility to your article and stop people questioning the rest of the piece… not that they will, in fact you can produce the same article over and over and the average high stakes fans will be none the wiser.


Monday, 6 September 2010

Stephen Hawking Declares Universe Created Without Poker Gods

Monday metaphysics, dear Melted Felt readers? Or would you prefer I just continue with the usual shocking run of made up poker news?

Well, I don't know about you, but I have had to rethink my entire existence this weekend... after famously brainy raspberry-ripple Stephen Hawking managed to explain how the universe could exist without any form of poker gods.

Now you just do not find that many atheists in the fox-holes of getting rivered. Though you will find the occasional poker-agnostic of course, however they are soon forced to believe by the sheer brute force of set-over-set, runner-runner flushes and unexplainable 2-pairs. Believers, like me, who put our faith and livelihoods into pleasing the poker-gods that they do not cold-deck us too often are quite simply having a hard time believing that they had no part at all in the creation of the universe.

I mean, look around our planet and see how much good you see... how little war and hatred, how few hungry people or crime, how tiny the number of children dying from easily preventable diseases while others waste and indulge... and you will see that our planet just had to be created by a benign and loving super-natural deity. Erm, wait a second there, yeah, I'll just go get 1 or 2 of those claims verified, a minor detail, really - I'll be right back - you just carry on believing folks, its ok to keep hating those who don't believe the same way as you for the moment while I check, just leave it with me and somehow keep genuinely believing you are a 'force for good'- ok?

So, Mr Stephen nurse-fiddling Hawking... how do you explain the $3 rebuy without the need for an all-seeing deity?? How do you explain Phil Hellmuth without bringing previous-lives into the equation? What about Hamilton? How did he not make a pact with the poker-gods arch-enemy?

I'm laying out a challenge right here and right now Stevey-boy - come around my house, lets debate the whole issue...over a cup of tea (bring your own tube please) and if we can not agree that the poker-gods were definitely f-in required to create the universe by 5'o Clock, we can have an arm-wrestle to decide...ok??


Thursday, 2 September 2010

Dorothy Pemberton, 87, Accidentally Buys The Cereus Poker Network

In a poker news post which only shows a profit because it hides bad loan provisions off balance-sheet, we can today bring you an exclusive interview with the new owner of the Cereus Poker Network - Mrs Dorothy Pemberton (known as 'Dot' to her friends) - who accidentally bought the entire network in a moment of confusion while popping out to the shops for some prunes.

It was an easy mistake to make for Dot, who bakes cakes for charity events which can only be described as unguessably heavy. One minute she was getting in peoples way in aisle 2 of the local supermarket when a special 2 for 1 on incontinence pads caught her eye. While trying to get the attention of a lovely young man walking past to ask for the price, Dot accidentally knocked the Cereus Poker Network into her basket... confusion over that new-fangled decimal money kept her distracted at the checkout, so it was not until She got home and started unpacking her tartan wheeley trolley that the poker network purchase error was realized.

"Well deary, I did not know what to make of it at first," said Dot over a nice cup of overly milky Earl Grey tea, "I mean, what do I want with the 6th largest online poker site - when traffic is aggregated of course..." continuing, "that nice Phil Hellmuth contracted to me, can you imagine it" Dot chuckled before, "well, I did consider applying for a French license of course dears, but those Frenchies just can not be trusted you know, only the other day my friend Phylis lost her walking frame you know, and she has some Polish living two doors down".

Finally able to get a word in edgeways, We enquired as to the outcome of Dot's deliberations.

"Biscuit dear? Oh yes, well, of course I already sold it on deary - last week in fact, to that nice Mr Hamilton down at the Bingo club, ever so nice he is, a real charmer... in fact he said it was for his wife, Bianca or something she is called? Or was it Blanca? lemon slice anyone?"


Wednesday, 1 September 2010

Gus Hansen Wins Hand In Online Cash Game

We specialize in bringing you the shocking side of poker news, dear Melted Felt readers. Today we will go beyond shocking, turn left at the traffic lights just after amazing, travel 3 miles before leaving at the intersection marked incredible - and then order a big portion of jaw-droppingly unbelieveable, with large fries and a diet coke at the drive through window of completely awe-struck [Thats enough of that cr*p, get on with the story - Ed]

Last night, as often happens, the high stakes poker pros logged on to Full Tilt to play some hands with pot sizes which seem too big to be real - but actually are. The usual stuff happened, Dwan lost a pot to Ivey, the won one from South, Who lost one to Antonius, who won one from Hansen and so on.

Then, something incredible happened. Something that the poker world had really not expected - Gus Hansen actually won a pot - in a cash game!! Here is how the high-stakes action went down:

It started when Hansen raised 3 times the $400 big blind from the C/O and was called by Dwan in the big blind. The Flop came down 4-7-Q with 2 hearts and Dwan Checked his option. Hansen now fired 1650 into the pot of $2600 - Dwan thought for a moment and made the call - bringing the pot close to $5,000. The turn brought a harmless looking 2 of clubs, and Dwan once again checked. This time Hansen bet $3450 into the pot and Tom Dwan folded - shipping the pot Hansens way!!

Twitter sprang to life immediately, the forums buzzed with the news - railbirds worldwide sat open mouthed at their screens.. little bits of dribble oozing from the corner of their mouths.

Was it a mis-click, did Hansen really win a pot in a cash game? Am I dreaming...

We think this could very well mark a turning point for the Danish Pro, who, according to the voices in our head, has lost more than $200,000,000 this month alone at the cash tables. We expect to see videos, tedious poker news site write ups and innane forum commentary on insignificant pots at any time now....


Monday, 30 August 2010

Alert Issued As Annie's Cu*t Escapes

Hope you are sitting comfortably today, dear Melted Felt readers - as we have news even more shocking than usual. Yes, the Feds have issued an alert over 12 States as Annie's cu*t escapes leaving a trail of destruction behind - as it heads East from Vegas towards the Atlantic ocean.

In an urgent press release, members of the Public have been urged not to approach the cu*t, which - while not thought to be armed - is extremely angry and potentially lethal. They note that the cu*t has previously demeaned women, written to offshore poker sites and may even be suffering from delusions of importance in, erm, the big scheme of things.

With the trail of carnage streaching through Utah, where a family of 4 were found savagely murdered in their car at some traffic lights, right through to Illinois - where wildlife has been turning up mutilated all long the main intersection. Cops have been advised to shoot the cu*t on site.

Ports from North Carolina to New Jersey were put on the highest alert yesterday is it was understood that the eventual destination of the escaped cu*t was the Isle Of Man - as small Tax haven which a certain big poker site use to sit counting all their money while gently laughing to themselves. A fleet of Submarines has been put on standby to intercept... and sub-aqua-sub-sonic warnings have been issues to Whales long the expected route by some hippy-sh1t charity or other.

Reactions in the poker world to the escape of Annie's cu*t have been mixed, we understand that one terrified player named Dan is currently under 24 hour police protection in fear for his life. While most others are quietly smirking behind their hands...

Can you help? Have you spotted Annie's cu*t?

If so please dial the federal helpline now at 1-123-666-CU*T


Friday, 27 August 2010

Sorel Mizzi Plays Poker Tournament Alone

In a news item so shocking we had to send Jimmy Carter in to sort out the mess, today we bring you the story of online poker ace Sorel Mizzi - who has been repeately accused on forums and blogs worldwide of being a liar-liar-pants-on-fire when it comes to cheating in tournaments - has played an entire online MTT in as clean and straight-up trustworthy manner as possible.

Yes Melted Felt fans, the tournament took place at some time in late 2009 and was a $200+$15 buy-in event on Pokerstars. Our thorough investigation has revealed that Imper1um played the entire event in the following manner:

- The entire tournament was played with just one buy-in, using his very own account!

- At no point were any hands discussed over MSN with other pros at the table

- No softplaying or chip-dumping occurred what so ever, at all

- Mizzi at no point took over from any of his 'horses' using PCremote or similar software.

You may think these are spurious claims, dear MF readers - but there is no doubt in our minds that this one single solitary tournament happened exactly as we described. If anyone would like to deny that this was absolute and concrete proof of something or other we are not quite sure of, then we would be happy to stand up and pointlessly argue with them, maybe.

Anyhow, as a site who has also been the victim of poker extortion, we can actually deeply sympathize with Sorel. To be honest I still regret to this day not paying that kid after he threatened to tell every single one of my friends I was a fish unless I shipped him the cash to join that $5 SNG... ah well.

MF (aka a fish)

Tuesday, 24 August 2010

Sebok Closes UB Investigation

In a news item just loves to throw kittens into wheely-bins, we bring you the dramatic news that Joe Sebok has officially closed his unofficial investigation into the scandal that rocked the poker world. Yes, dear Melted Felt readers, it is now officially safe to pop over to Ultimate Bet, sit in a high-stakes cash game and, erm, bet.

After joining UB in the role of 'Clean-Cut Peoples Champion and Holder of the Big (though not at all Phallic) Golden Torch of Shining Justice', Sebok took it upon himself wear underwear on top, becoming the 'Peoples Poker Poet' a super-hero who would take the fight the dark evil mutant Hamiltonites for control of the planet Earth's very poker future, never to stop until he uncovered the 3 truths which the ancient prophesy spoke of:

1) The Names of The Superuser Accounts
2) Hand Histories N Stuff
3) The Names Of Those Responsible For Stashing Your Cash

Summing up 12 months on, Sebok, who always washed behind his ears and helps old ladies cross the road at least 3 times a week claimed success for item 1. With the names now published on some popular poker forums.

Item 2 caused a little more trouble for SuperSebok, after asking for the missing hand histories it turned out that a surly computer technician sucked air through his teeth, put hand on chin and quickly followed it with a drawn out "weeeelllll, the problem isss..." before pointing to the top right of the keyboard where there sat a key marked 'delete'. Unperturbed, MegaJoe went one step further and asked whether any minute magnetic traces of the histories could have been left on the servers hard drives? The answer came that, unfortunately, the 'Are You Sure?' Yes / No box would have doomed that one... oh well, 90% is not bad.

As for the names, we can only speculate to be genuine disappointment coming from Daniel Negreanu's dog Moshu that Annie (oh Annie!) was cleared by DNA testing at the CSI Vegas lab. Hellmuth was ruled out, superusers never turn up late wearing MMA costumes after all. A host of other names were ruled out which might have made this story a tad more interesting too, the list of names eventually published being about as interesting as who did '3rd Grip' or 'Assistant Dubbing Editor' in just about any movie you could think of.

So, the conclusion was... well, Russ dun it, with a bunch of others we have never heard of, it was $22 millionish in total and they were smart enough to get away with it for several years before anyone even figured something was amiss. Still, could never happen elsewhere could it, or could it?

For his next year long investigation, Joe is DETERMINED to find out which end of an earthworm is the head...


PS: Good job Joe!

Tuesday, 17 August 2010

Dwindling Fish Stocks To See EU Regulate Poker Market

Shocking news today, dear Melted Felt readers, as those Bureaucrats in the European Union move on from their straight bananas, pesky metric measurements and joint ventures on really f-in fast fighter aircraft with those cool heat seeking missiles that can go around corners, ahem, and *now* regulate the poker market on the grounds that the majority of participants were, well, fish.

After receiving several complaints of over-fishing from disgruntled grinders, a committee made up of extremely important non-elected unaccountable anonymous individuals decided that the poker fisheries should be protected by strict quotas to prevent over-fishing leading to a reduction in hourly rates for all tax-dodging concerned.

In an all-night debating session a consensus was reached only after specific wording and opt-outs for various countries. Norway were adamant that they would continue to hunt the whales, France that French fisheries sould be protected from all other nations, coralled into a barrel by the French taxman - and then shot at every single hand - oh and Spain that they would continue to fish, but only in glass- bottomed boats - in order to get a better view of their countries rich maritime history.

In a carefully worded statement the European Commission indicated that they hoped that, while there were 227 clauses, 854 sub-clauses 19 partial opt-outs and 8 regional variations - at least the new fisheries regulations were not as complicated as OnGame's Essence...


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