Wednesday, 27 January 2010

Poker Community Generosity Baffles Haiti

In a news item so shocking it reached 7.1 on the Richter Scale, we bring you a sensational scoop of just how damn generous the poker community can be... and how the unfortunate residents of Haiti have become somewhat confused by this very generosity!

Yes, dear Melted Felt Readers, a total of 1.5 million frequent player points has been donated to the earthquake ravaged country. Being at the cutting edge of poker reporting, we sent the very important personage known as the Melted Felt Mole to a private beach in the neighboring Dominican Republic to see how the points were being spent.

Dorian El Salamander, 32 lost her entire family, both legs, one arm, her house and half of her chickens in the Earthquake. Due to the love of the poker community, we were able to present her with no less than 5,000 player points from one of the largest poker sites online. To cut costs on having a certificate made we simply wrote '5000 Points' on a post-it note with a biro and handed it to her. After raising her remaining arm to the sky and praising the lord repeatedly, Dorian confided that she now had a big decision to make...Whether to enter the big monthly freeroll and hope for a final table - or instead use the points to enter sit n goes and then de-register from the tournaments where entries were won and exchange the T$ for cash? Tough one huh? Fortunately Dorian was spared the mental anguish of this decision by an escaped prisoner who hacked her to death with a machete in order to steal her remaining chickens.

Next we spoke to Pierre Baguette, whose house was destroyed in the big quake of 2 weeks ago and now lives in a make-shift tent. After receiving his 5,000 player points Pierre was keen to know how may gifts he would be able to purchase from the VIP store. Unfortunately we could ony stretch to either a book or a previously returned (slightly sratched) iPod shuffle... Pierre chose a signed book, figuring that this would fetch more cash at resale. This would, in fact, have been a rather savvy move - had he actually still had an address to post the thing to.

Finally we spoke to Rene Careffor, whose dog was slightly injured by falling masonry, and were actually rather shocked by her response after handing our gift of 5000 points, Rene spat at the ground, rolled her eyes unfeasably far back in her head, covered her entire body in white paint, pigs blood and feathers - then hissed the reply "how can i use 'dese points monsiour? everyone knows ze online poker is fvcking rigged!"


PS: Yeah yeah, we know. However, we have happily donated cash to the Haiti fund and would like to encourage all readers to do the same... while the main TV coverage has stopped, there is still significant suffering and need - so do not just think about it, donate now.

Friday, 22 January 2010

Quick-Fire Friday - A Poker News Roundup

All you slaves out there will be rejoycing that Friday is finally here! No more work for the weekend, you can now happily sit in front of the TV, eating things... horay!

Today we bring you the first of what may or may not become a regular feature here at Melted Felt, a quick-fire, bullet-pointed, wham-bam-thank-you-mam of an alternative poker news blog post. This will basically be used to spray our usual derision on all of the news that was not deep enough to be worthy of it's own post.

#1 - TJ Cloutier Sells His Soul On eBay

After no takers for his somewhat sweaty used World Series bracelet, TJ has gone one further in trying to feed his high-stakes craps habit. Yes, for just $599.99 you can have the soul of the old-time gentleman of poker to do what you will with, we already offered to swap it for a pogo-stick and are refreshing our e-mail inbox like mad to see if we get a reply.

#2 - Annette_16 Wins Aussie Pie-Eating Contest

People were getting worried, dear MF readers, they were chattering too - saying that after Annette's big win in the WSOPE cake-scoffing finals a couple of years ago that she was not capable of winning again...a mere flash in the pan of beginners luck (or some other mixed metaphore). Well, Annette has really showed 'em, beating a field of 160 in the Aussie Eating Millions 'Pie Eaters' prelim - and taking down more than $60k for munching the most pies in a single tournament - who would bet against her now in the Hot-dog downing main event?

#3 - Tony G Finally Gets Bored With Playing The Same 3 Opponents And joins Party

Savvy businessman, poker pro and all round funny-as-fvck-aussie-bloke Tony G has finally stopped pretending that his self-named poker site had a cats chance in hell of competing, and joined the team of has-beens, wanna-bes and small-town (or should that be small-country?) heros in team Party Poker. We understand that all 3 of his players will have their accounts transitioned Nobel Poker, who reacted to the potential doubling of their player base with great excitement and peace awards.

Right, were off to the pub.


Thursday, 21 January 2010

Rush Poker Changes Online Poker - Until Tuesday Tea Time

Shock and awe, Dear Melted Felt readers, as droves of players declare that "it is about fvcking time someone invented something, coz we were getting a bit bored with 16 tabling 6-max NL holdem - especially after dropping out of college and realizing that the rest of our lives was quite a long time after all".

Yes, the 'Rush Poker' recently introduced by Full Tilt is too fast for insults, too bl00dy quick for HUDS and effectively cuts out the dead time between hands - ensuring you'll spend as much of your playing time as possible earning money for Full Tilt (who may give 27% of it back, making you feel really fvcking smug about paying 'only' 73% of the normal fees to the site), rather than watching some wanna-be 'tricky' 5c / 10c player running down half of their timebank before putting in that mini-reraise.

With more than 25% of players who ran well initially declaring that Rush Poker is the future, and 25% of them expected to be saying the same thing tomorrow (and so on into the weekend) we expect the tables to be completely full of grinding regs by next Tuesday morning - at which point the last fish will end his lucky street by losing to a rivered set and go crying back to SNGs - effectively leaving the rakeback grinders competing with each other... wishing someone would invent a new form of poker to relieve the boredom.

Of course, the rush to play rush has left many of the regular cash game tables devoid of their usual nitty regs, meaning there is probably a nice profit to be made from the 50% of players who tried Rush, lost a couple of buy-ins and then went on to explain in forums that they are actually naturally talented Rush Poker players... just a little unlucky.

Right, we are off to play double or nothing SNGs, erm, hang on...


Tuesday, 19 January 2010

Full Tilt Doubles Week Announced

A post that always seems to be struggling to hit the double-eight to finish, dear Melted Felt readers, as we bring you news that Full Tilt Poker are adding the same again to what was already there, or something.

Yes, from the 25th of Jan all of the tournament guarantees will be doubled! Players all over the world are rubbing their fat little hands together in anticipation of those magic 'overlays' which is the free money gap between the buy-in total and the guarantee.

We duly sent the one and only Melted Felt Mole off to do a full investigation, and (lo and behold!) it turns out that several other things are being doubled that week too...

* Exactly twice as many people are predicted to win 3 coin flips in a row, go deep in a tournament with the chips thus gained, then lose a coin flip before complaining that they can never win coin-flips in tournaments.

* Two times the number of tournament players will blind away in the middle stages waiting for a strong hand, finally get aces, mini-reraise with them and see everyone insta-fold - before going back to blinding away, getting so desparate that they are forced to shove any 2, then berate the guy in the blind who called getting > 2/1 and won the race.

* Insults will be doubled too, annoying teenagers who have little or no experience of adult social interactions due to dropping out of college to spend their lives grinding in a darkened room will no longer be insulting your mother when you crack their monster... it'll be your granny next week!

* Cash Games will get twice as hard, as the only 2 fish left at $1 / $2 will decide to play tournaments for a week instead, leaving the regs to spend the entire week looking up each others stats while grinding 16 tables masturbating to Cardrunners videos.

* Howard Lederer will be alledgedly laughing twice as heartily at any lawsuits claiming 1% of his company, while he counts and re-counts his big big piles of cash.

Well, can't stop here, we are off to see if the Stars fields are reduced by enough to make any overlays... naaa, silly question.


Friday, 15 January 2010

Kylie In UIGEA Tantrum?

Shocking is not the word, dear Melted Felt readers, to use when someone asks you whether you'd like sugar in that. Instead we bring you the most blatantly falsified excuse ever to post a picture of Kylie, as someone with a slightly similar name refused to sign any pieces of paper in the senate until he gets at least 30 people to simultaneously (and heartily) agree that he is very very important indeed.

Yes, dear readers, the lady who brought us so many happy pop songs including 'I should be so lucky', 'The Locomotion' and 'Spinning Around' - plus many others which looked great on TV when the mute button was on - is kicking up a fuss by refusing to let 6 posts in the treasury be filled before the UIGEA is fully implemented. Senator Kylie, who is probably funded by religious zealots who shun alcohol but enjoy small boys, has put a 'Hold' on the posts - even though the current global economic situation we could really do with some people actually running treasury departments.

This is apparently not the first time Senator Kylie has put 'Holds' in place which actually damage the democracy she was elected to represent. With a track record which included holding up the opening of a new children's hospital until the Senate toliet paper brand was changed to the one with fluffy kittens in the advert - we already knew which side of the legistlative fence ms Minouge sits.

With legislation due in committee this spring that could see the first steps towards regulating online poker we will keep our proverbial eyes peeled... in the meantime a quick and burning question, apparently Senator Jon Kyl gets sent an average of 2 turds each week in the post; what we want to know is, well, who is sending the other one?


Monday, 11 January 2010

The Fall Of The Pair Of Aces...

A guest post today, dearest Melted Felt readers, that will strike horror into your fey souls. As we bring you an analysis of a particularly nasty poker hand by one Edgar Allen Po(ker)... well ok, its me, your host Mark, the same one who writes everything here, but hey, you try coming up with a satirical angle on the poker news twice or more a week... *ahem*, right, on with the post:

The Fall Of The Pair Of Aces - By Edgar Allen Po(ker)

Dark brooding storm clouds rolled in, bringing a burning suffocating gloom which sucked the very energy from my weary mouse-finger. I logged on to Ultimate Bet, risking the wrath of hell's most grotesque denizen, named only in hushed tones - with associated fearful glances - as 'the Phil'. Lightning struck the distant bough of an already twice charred tree, sending a score of ravens screeching angrily into the misty night, only reinforcing my conviction that the horrors awaiting me in the no-limit holdem game would bring nothing but the purest and most vivid agonies.

The sight of a pair of aces momentarily gladdened my trampled psyche, it was as if the souls of the long-forgotten dead were momentarily spared their suffering, allowed to taste once more the sweet scent of the storm's aftermath - a welcome, yet fleeting, respite from their eternal darkness and solitude. Resisting the impulse to trap, I raised those cursed red aces to thrice the big blind. Three callers saw that wretched flop of 8-10-J with two clubs, starting the inevitable descent of my hand, little by little, into the abyss.

Nausea quickly rose, the bile of my stomach bubbling over into the soft vulnerable flesh at the back of my throat, as a player bet into me, leading into three players for a mere fraction of the size of the current pot. With deep stacks my glazed eyes could clearly see that I was stuck firmly between the pit of the semi-bluff shove and the lethal blade of the flat call float. I considered my options, opting for the re-raise not due to the malice of forcing my opponents to polarize their ranges, but for the swift doom, the merciful release that running into a flopped set would give me from the torture of this eldritch game, along with a good post for BBV. As the button instantly mini-reraised me I could feel my hand, a little more, oh just a little more, falling ever further into the abyss.

'You stony faced quintessence of all that is abominable' I yelled at the screen, boney fist shaking, while the big blind scurried back to whichever stinking hovel he came with a fold. My stack would not survive the horrors of a 4-bet fold, and calling left me with only the size of the pot for the inevitably doom-laden turn. Wishing I had never set eyes on those cursed red aces, had heeded the warning of the razor-beaked ravens and played Wii Fit Resort instead, I moved the slider to the farthest right, paused for a moment and then flat called - while the world's banshees united in their wail, their chilling cries of 'noooooooooo'.

Our pot became a heads-up affair and time stood agonizingly still. In those few seconds before the turn I felt 1000 years of misery, of rusty nails and broken glass, or chalk on board and rain on windows, 1000 years before the turn to brood in the gloom, 1000 years to hope, to count, to fear what the turn would bring, 1000 years, yet from the start the king of clubs would always fall. As was their destiny, little by little, my aces fell, just a little further into the abyss.

My turn to act, and all paths leading to pain, the black cat - bloodied rodent in stinking maw - looked satisified at my diabolical circumstance. I clicked for time, was there not still hope? Queens would fit the play, and nines, and if my tormentor were fooling around he could be drawing as thin as the tendons on a rotting putrid corpse. A new hope, the overlay in the pot, the a queen might yet be an out, drunk as if on the rarest of blood red wine my remaining stack went into the pot. My foe insta-called, the ravens cawed, the black cat purred and the bile searing my throat burned so fiercethat i feared my very neck would open to the world, spilling my organs and life-blood onto my new Macbook Pro - this told me all I needed to know - my aces, along with my stack had fallen, inevitably, into the abyss of 8-3 suited in clubs.


PS: We look forward to Edgar's return at some point in the future - when he takes us through the joys of a the Sit N Go Bubble.

PPS: A stumble, dig or tweet is always appreciated - the widget below contains links to all of the popular bookmarking / social sites - thanks!

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Saturday, 9 January 2010

Security Alert At PCA As Online Poker Player Escapes Hotel

In a news item so shocking it makes you want to personally stake Isildur1, we bring you reports of a full scale security operation underway right now at the Atlantis Resort and Casino in the sun-drenched Bahamas - where Pokerstars are holding their yearly Caribbean Adventure!

Yes, dear Melted Felt readers, an online poker player has reportedly escaped the confines of the Hotel and poker-room, and may actually be attempting to interact with ordinary holiday makers. Local police and security officials have put out the following description - and asked that anyone seeing the escapee does not approach him, instead keeping a safe distance and calling the emergency number.

Our player is said to be 19, pasty white with unwashed and uncombed mousy-brown hair and a bum-fluff moustache. Responding to the name Jeff, the player was last seen when he busted the main event after limping behind 6 players with aces, and was wearing a black hoody, black jeans, old sneakers and listening to an iPod.


Anti-terrorism officers and special forces have now been called to the resort after 3 separate holiday makers were found dead around the report showing the horrific signs of having been bored to death by poker bad-beat stories.

Police are now advising everyone to return to their hotel rooms and securely lock the doors. Anyone coming into contact with Jeff is strongly advised to heartily agree that he should have won many many tournaments - if only he had received average luck. If Jeff starts on bad-beat stories, the advice is to immediately slash your own wrists and throat before throwing yourself into the giant shark tank, trust us here, it is a far nicer (and faster) death.

We will keep you posted!


Tuesday, 5 January 2010

iPoker Limit Accounts Of Winning Losers

A story which is nothing short of a tsunami in a teacup to start the new year, dear Melted Felt readers, as we bring you the inside information on the PlayTech AI software which can not only identify losing winners, but sniff out winning losers too.

Yes, the days of 60% rakeback at Victor Kyan poker are over for a certain sub-set of cash game grinders. Messages have been popping up all over ipoker saying things like: "Play SNGs Instead Ya Ginger Ba$tard" and "Get Out More Often Lardy Boy".

It all stemmed from a crossed-wire in the artifical intelligence algorythym which iPoker recently introduced to spot strange behaviors at the table (such as German players buying in for more than 20 big blinds). While the definitions of winner and loser - and their mutual compatibility - are obvious to humans, the software got confused... and so started booting people based on whether they were losers, no matter how much money they won.

After telling us that we ought to 'sit down calmly, take a stress pill, and think things over' - the AI itself explained the complex definitions of time / location and play which it used to determine whether each player was getting laid enough, ever played drunk way above their bankroll after a night on the lash or was capable of tilt-shoving several stacks at once in response to that nagging b1tch of a spouse. Those players who fitted none of these criteria were quickly labelled losers, and invariably were the same ones who requested hand histories, used stats tools and cashed out often...and so got the proverbial boot.

So, dear readers, it is safe as houses in 2006 to go play on the iPoker Network - you'll run into far less winning losers there... in fact we are of to play with the losing winners ourselves, just soon as we finish the next can of lager.


Monday, 4 January 2010

The Melted Felt Year In Review - Part #3

Yeah, yeah - I know, could not organize an egg in a battery farm, ah well the auto-post did not work, I was on holiday and you know - I'm only slightly sorry... so, before we rush into a brand new decade of MF, best get on with the final year in review that was supposed to post last week then!

Is it really already part #3 of our 2009 year in review - well, time flies but aeroplanes crash as they somewhere we have never even heard of. 2009 had an epic last third, with money being won, lost and generally given to the poker site operators all over the world.

Here we pick up where we left off - in September:

September saw more court cases, Eurolinx closure resulting in many players losing out, and the big news - the Kahnawake's long-awaited whitewash of the UB scandal. Our favortie piece was also on the subject of the poker site formerly known as Ulitimate Bet - where Joe Sebok signed as head of not being gay, a position he still holds today. Sebok Not Gay?

October saw the last person still interested in the Durrrr Challenge leave, forgetting to turn off the light. It saw Full_Flush get in trouble over a cheese sandwich, and it saw Full Tilt sued by a poker bot... or something. It was the end of the month which saw a popular post, when we sensationally revealed that the hourly-rate for trick or treating now beats online poker grinding:
Still Grinding Poker?

November and poker now need to have the number 9 attached, as Joe Cada revealed that he sh1ts gold coins by luck-boxing his way to get heads up with a friendly logger - eventually taking down the main event title and suddenly finding he had more than 2 million 'lifelong fans' who were previously hiding: Joe Cada Fans?

December saw the fantastic Melted Felt year in review which looked... hang on, thats not right. Bit early yet to give you the highlights Isildur1 going broke? Cada's big day out? Playing in the name of? We'll just have to wait and see.


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