Wednesday, 27 January 2010

Poker Community Generosity Baffles Haiti

In a news item so shocking it reached 7.1 on the Richter Scale, we bring you a sensational scoop of just how damn generous the poker community can be... and how the unfortunate residents of Haiti have become somewhat confused by this very generosity!

Yes, dear Melted Felt Readers, a total of 1.5 million frequent player points has been donated to the earthquake ravaged country. Being at the cutting edge of poker reporting, we sent the very important personage known as the Melted Felt Mole to a private beach in the neighboring Dominican Republic to see how the points were being spent.

Dorian El Salamander, 32 lost her entire family, both legs, one arm, her house and half of her chickens in the Earthquake. Due to the love of the poker community, we were able to present her with no less than 5,000 player points from one of the largest poker sites online. To cut costs on having a certificate made we simply wrote '5000 Points' on a post-it note with a biro and handed it to her. After raising her remaining arm to the sky and praising the lord repeatedly, Dorian confided that she now had a big decision to make...Whether to enter the big monthly freeroll and hope for a final table - or instead use the points to enter sit n goes and then de-register from the tournaments where entries were won and exchange the T$ for cash? Tough one huh? Fortunately Dorian was spared the mental anguish of this decision by an escaped prisoner who hacked her to death with a machete in order to steal her remaining chickens.

Next we spoke to Pierre Baguette, whose house was destroyed in the big quake of 2 weeks ago and now lives in a make-shift tent. After receiving his 5,000 player points Pierre was keen to know how may gifts he would be able to purchase from the VIP store. Unfortunately we could ony stretch to either a book or a previously returned (slightly sratched) iPod shuffle... Pierre chose a signed book, figuring that this would fetch more cash at resale. This would, in fact, have been a rather savvy move - had he actually still had an address to post the thing to.

Finally we spoke to Rene Careffor, whose dog was slightly injured by falling masonry, and were actually rather shocked by her response after handing our gift of 5000 points, Rene spat at the ground, rolled her eyes unfeasably far back in her head, covered her entire body in white paint, pigs blood and feathers - then hissed the reply "how can i use 'dese points monsiour? everyone knows ze online poker is fvcking rigged!"


PS: Yeah yeah, we know. However, we have happily donated cash to the Haiti fund and would like to encourage all readers to do the same... while the main TV coverage has stopped, there is still significant suffering and need - so do not just think about it, donate now.

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