Tuesday, 2 February 2010

Best Energy Drinks For Poker Players - A Review

Back-to-back public service posts on Melted Felt? We must be going fvcking soft. Anyway - energy drinks, including Red Bull etc, may taste like sh1t, but they do contain massive levels of lovely caffiene as well as yummy complex sugars. In addition to causing massive amounts of regret when you finish a couple of cans when on deep runs in two tournaments at 3am only to bust from both 5 hands later and sit staring at the ceiling all night unable to sleep - these drinks can aid concentation, attention and aggression at the virtual poker tables, which can dramatically increase the win rate of winning players and the loss rate of losing players and the chat abuse rate of chat abusing players.

So, we thought we would review some of the most popular brands and see which one was best for poker players.... here is the result:

1) Red Bull: Tasted like a chewy fruit cocktail mixed with sick, and immediately gave us a welcome respite from fatigue - no noticable increase in concentration, though to be honest we only just sat down at our online poker table and are waiting patiently for the big blind.

2) Sobe Adrenaline Rush : This one tasted like a liquid bag of pick n mix mixed with some Old Spice aftershave and gave us hickups. Effects were unmistakable, we could see through 4-bet bluffs, owned thin value and were sharp enough to re-raise while insulting opponents in the chat box on both tables and repeatedly typing /thread in popular poker forums simultaneously.

3) Juiced : Tasted like a lollipop coated in the fluff of a reasonably old dog. We are starting to get bored with 2 tables now and so started up 2 more, things are still going well decision-wise and we are up $32.64, no $31.64, no $44.93, no $27.12. Have decided to chat with some friends on IM to let them know how we are getting on and are about to add more tables, hey this is GREAT!

4) Full Throttle : Tasted like burned bubble-gum mixed with Baby Bio. We liked this one and feel a boost in both concentration and enegy levels straight away, missed one great check-raise opportunity by standing on the office chair while playing and dropping the mouse at a crucial moment. Amazing how profitable raising and re-raising every hand on all 8 tables can be... why did we not think of this one earlier? Just tore Harrington On Holdem volume 2 into small pieces with my left hand... raise the fvckers again!

5) Sparks : Tasted like whichever of the other brands this was before being repackaged, then mixed with a bit of gin. Amazing stuff, we are now able to play catch by bouncing 2 pokerstars stress-balls off of different walls while maintaining the 8 tables, and paradiddling with our feet. We seem to be getting some abuse in the chat now, but really difficult to keep up with the comments after entering 4 tournaments on the side. Think we might be down in money, those guys re-raising were bound to be bluffing, have stopped raising every hand and now only raising every second hand on each table to see if this makes any difference , got any chewing gum?

6) KMX : Our can of KMX tasted like those love-heart sweets you used to crush up and snort up your nose for a laugh [you did fvcking what? - Ed] mixed with that patch of damp in the hall you have been meaning to deal with for ages now and simply can not resist licking. 16 tables is now far too slow, those people on IM are after me, and I don't know why or which of my opponents can see into my eyes and onto my screen and know whether I am raising with solid values, trying to raise with only odd-numbered pairs but not working. Running to the kitchen to turn a different fridge magnet upside-down every time I bluff - too many callers, can not start any more tables, trying to get another poker site going now, oh why oh why are they all looking straight into my brain?

7) Amp Energy: Tasted like, well, all the others, in much the same way as all aliens look like the ones from Close Encounters. We started this more than 40 minutes ago now and it has become very confusing, the kick, the 27 tables, the increased heart-rate, what do they mean reload cashier AGAIN, why are all the tables blinking, what do they want from me? Having trouble playing now, we are lodged firmly between the walls of the hall and have the mouse but it will not make anything click, help, the mouse detached from the laptop, my phone is ringing and lots of people on messenger are asking me what I am talking about, but what are they talking about? where did all my money go? got to put more in, more, more again, not messing about now, moving up to where my raises are respected, why, why does the whole world now seem so damn s-l-o-w?

8) Hansen Energy Pro : This one tasted like a stale lemon-puff dipped in sugar and then balsamic vinegar, we can not see the screen any more, but think we are winning the poker games, but if we come out from under the desk then the voices in the screen will see into us and make us put in even more money, if they catch us they will explode our brains, we will make a dash for it as soon as they turn away, ah,the babble, they are trying to talk us out from here with blinking lights, what if we have aces,? Then will someone come and rescue us from under the desk... I need to move, feet are trying to escape, voices telling me to make a leap through the window, rush poker is the devil incarnate, eating the soft flesh of the Sit N Go tournaments one by one while they blink their confusion and pain, but they will see me, they will come and get me and make me raise again, I dont want to raise, let me call, we were tricked, the voices said to do it go to escape, through the window, only 8 meters down, hel.....p.... C*R*A*S*H


PS: Thanks to Prop, Matt, Nikki and TJ for their assistance for creating this post!


Akhil said...

LOL, awesome post Mark!

Mark said...

Thanks Akhil! If any readers need serious quality in their gambling translations Akhil is definitely your man... superiorword (dot) com!!


pokerprop said...

Pow! I literally did "LOL" a bit while in a room by myself. My wife walked by and asked what was funny though us not having the same native language and with blinking lights, multi table or anything much else online poker being something she knows little about I passed on trying to explain and just said "I read about funny" and smiled more. So while I only "LOLed" a little, I smiled a lot and if reading with a poker player I am sure I would of laughed a lot more.

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