Thursday, 11 February 2010

Full Tilt Rail Beggers Union Flexes Economic Muscle

Have you ever put your dignity aside, dear Melted Felt readers, and begged for money in the chat box of an online poker site? No, neither have we - though the Melted Felt Mole reguarly tries to gather cigarettes using this method at Pokerstars... You have undoutedly seen them though - hordes at every pro table or big paying final table trying to extract a $5 transfer which they *promise* to pay back...

Bad news dear readers, the fact is that the union of FTP rail beggars invested their funds in triple-A rated credit default swaps based on the fact that property prices can only ever go up - and now have a big issue with their very own demographic tidal-wave of retiring railers - just at the very time when their pension fund has hit a record deficit!

This has actually been made worse by the fact that rail-beggars pensions are not based on their average score, but on their final-score. So, a beggar who gets a $10 transfer has a huge incentive to retire early even if his long-term average beg was closer to $5 - and then expects medical, municipal and living expenses to be picked up by the state almost immediately, even though in a non-union role they would have to rail beg for 20 more years.

Of course it is the younger generation that suffers the most with this unionized greed - and by decree all underaged and non-union rail beggars will now have to ask for a minimum transfer of $7.43c, of which $2.43 will go to the union coffers to pay for their future pensions. A tax taking money out of the beggars economy to pay for the retirees just at the time when the investment was needed the most (sound famililar yet?). What is more a separate agreement ensures that for every 10 beggars a new role of rail begging coordination and training supervisor will be established, paying 5 times the mimimum wage with retirement at 45 and a lifetime final salary pension...

Do not worry though folks, the unions have found a great way of getting their bloated public pensions back on track, they are going to leverage themsleves and go long on commodities currently being stockpiled by China - after all, it is different this time, so the price of commodities can only ever go up.... erm, no, wait.... hang on... anyone want to transfer me $5, I'll pay it back - honest.


Come back tomorrow (or maybe the next day) for our fantastic scoop on a 'face-saving' valentines day poker exclusive!

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