Wednesday, 31 March 2010

Cake Poker To Leave Cake Poker Network?

Rats and sinking ships can now claim a 110% bonus on the Cake Poker network, where a once thriving party is now down to the tired-out hosts and a few hangers-on who, having drunk all the decent booze - are eyeing up the banana liquer...

Yes, dear Melted Felt readers we are pleased to start the completely unsubstantiated rumor that Cake Poker are considering leaving the Cake Poker Network to join the Merge Poker Network. Following in the footsteps of Sportsbook Poker, Players Only Poker and Lock Poker - Cake have come to the realization that that headbanging panda animation on the Merge platform is just sooo good that they need to offer it to their players as soon as possible.

This would leave cursed poker room Doyles Room as the only skin with more than 4 players on the Cake Network, which would probably change its name to the 'The dry crumbs and pieces of icing stuck to the bottom of those small plastic candle holders network', in a bid to make a fresh start.

In other made-up poker network news:

- An application has been approved by the Kahnawake Gambling Association for unknown new site 'R.Hamilton Poker' to become the newest member of the Cereus Poker Network.

- The iPoker Network's Titan Poker are celebrating successfully fooling some of the people some of the time (though not for long!) by repainting their sh1te software with a new design.

- OnGame are at the final testing stage for a new release of their client, promising to add new bugs, lags and glitches than ever before to their once leading poker software package


Monday, 29 March 2010

Poker Limericks - Link Post

A fun thread from 2+2's NVG to highlight today, dear Melted Felt readers, as your host has come down with a dose of 'Man Flu' and is not feeling in a particularly satirical mood!

Apart from the amusing limericks - there are some other parts of the linked thread which made me chuckle. Firstly, as always on 2+2 some people thought it was extremely important to point out which were 'true' Limericks and which mere rhymes. Secondly, those people popping in to call those who were enjoying the limericks 'retards' (love 'em!)... then popping back to defend their own insults later with more abuse... it is why we love the 2+2 forums sooo much that well, we just want to hug it, no, wait.

Oh well, here is the original thread

And here are some of my selected favorites... back to satire as soon as I stop being the only person in the entire world who feels ill, oh why me, oh why oh why....

Tom Dwan is a poker machine.
He's one of the best on the scene.
He'll win all the monies
And woo a few honies
Until he runs out of Visine

Daniel Negreanu is certainly great:
Especially when there's four to a straight.
He'll put you on air
And call with two pair
And sob when you beat his 10-8

There once was a player called Blom
Who most people thought was the bomb
He bluffed with king high
Got called by some guy
Then ran off and cried to his mom.

You can't see his teeth but he flosses
He's known to slice fruit with his tosses
He dresses in black
His hair flows down his back
And his name pronounced backwards is sausage


Wednesday, 24 March 2010

Another High-Steaks Poker Cheating Scandal Uncovered?

In a post so shocking it redirected to Hong Kong, we bring you news of a possible cheating scandal which goes right to the core of online poker... For years losing players have blamed online poker being rigged for their losses. As the unwelcome truth dawns - that other players are the ones ripping you off and not the sites - it is time to breathe a sign of relief that this only happens at high stakes and not where you are playing, no, erm, wait a minute here...

Latest in a string of online cheating scandals are the allegations against one Nick Grudzien, chief of the poker training site Stoxpoker and high stakes cash game player. The case against Nick, brought by the trolls, grammar nits and otherwise intelligent human beings who lack even basic social interaction skills over at 2+2 was this:

2+2ers: "Cheat!!"

What follows is the version of events which followed as seen by those trusty voices in our head, the names of the dogs have been changed to protect their little fluffy ears.

Mason M: "Your Fired"

Nick G: "I categorically deny ever having multiple accounts, except for all those other accounts"

2+2ers: "Liar, Liar, Pants On Fire!"

Nick G: "I never played on more than one account that you know about at the same time"

Mason M: "Talk to the hand"

Rival Training Site Owners: "MeltedFelt Poker Training, Where We teach both you and your dog 'scruff' to shortstack"

Nick G: "I'll not play again until the poker sites tell me it is OK to do so"

Poker Sites: "Exactly which you are you talking about here?"

Mason M: "Can't Heaaaaaarrr Youuuuuuu with my fingers in my ears, eh?"

2+2ers: "Case proven beyond any doubt, sentence is for Nick to have his hand histories exposed before his peers"

Nick G: "I can categorically deny that my dog 'Lucky' has ever colluded"

Russ H: "Thanks Nick, maybe they'll forget me now"

Poker Sites: "Erm, can someone tell us what is going on"

Various 2+2ers Who Never Played Higher Than 5c / 10c: "We demand hanging, drawing, quartering, tarring, feathering and crusifixion - along with a lifetime exemption from having to punctuate forum posts as redress for the psychological stress"

Nick G: "You can check my hand histories, it will clearly show that no collusion was involved with any of the user names you know about for either myself, my dog 'Lucky', my cat Blackie or my rat 'Holing'... "

Mason M: "Still not listening, La la la, Hum Hum Hum"

2+2ers: "Fed up with this one now, off to NVG to argue with someone who thinks online poker is full of colluders... or something"

So, now you know...


Friday, 19 March 2010

PokerStars Introduce Sleep Poker

In a news item more snappy than Beckham's achillies, dear Melted Felt Readers, we bring you news that you will soon be able to play at Pokerstars 24 hours a day, 7 days a week all year-round and even on, erm, Tuesdays - with a prototype space-age helmet which actually allows you to play poker while asleep.

This new technology, designed to keep you generating rake all fvcking night long as well as all day currently supports up to 16 cash game tables - and relies heavily on the fact that most players know they should 'vary their betting patterns' but always decide to do it next time. Since beating the fish is now such a mathematically precise formula that you could do it in your sleep Pokerstars will be enabling you to do just that by sampling your theta-waves after each bad-beat and randomly assigning a cutting remark.

What is more the delux version of the Sleep-Poker helmet comes with a feature which posts hand histories in which you played perfectly but suffered a bad beat onto popular forums, randomly posing questions such as 'How Would You Play This Turn?' or 'Could I have gotten away on the river?'.

As the time of writing Stars were working on a tournament version of the sleep-poker helmet, initial trials, in which players keep p1ssing the bed during 5-minute synchronised breaks, has caused a temporary return to the development labs. We tried to get a word from the Pokerstars techies on what would happen if a user forgot to take off the helmet before having sex... they laughed, pointing out that 16-tabling grinders are more likely be struck by a meterorite, lightning and win the lottery on the same day than to get laid...

Rumor has it that Full Tilt are researching response options which include ways to inject cocaine directly into the base of your brain while 28 tabling Rush Poker...


PS: We would like to thank friend of Melted Felt Lutz for his valued feedback, especially when it comes *cough* pointing out the errors of our ways when it comes to the German *cough* ladies (see post from a weekish ago)... you can see Lutz's site here Online Pokerräume (in German!)... if you would like to correct our assumption that the ladies from your country are hairy, green and / or bovine then drop us a comment!

Wednesday, 17 March 2010

Losers Poker Strategy - Bankroll Management - Part #1

Time to introduce a brand new concept, dear Melted Felt readers - as we start our poker strategy and information guides especially for you, the loser.

You know, there are a ton of poker strategy articles out there on the internet, all with one thing in common... they are aimed at winning players and those who are trying to become winning players. Here at Melted Felt we are a little more honest, we know full well that most of you are simply frustrated fvcking losers who donate a bit here and a little there blaming bad luck and suck-outs... So why deny it? There is a huge need to address you donating fishes with your own guides - so we are starting right now!


Bankroll management is an important aspect of online poker play, in fact it is one of the more important areas you will encounter. While this subject does not have the glamour and excitement of an all-in check-raise bluff on a straight-flush board, it is a vitally important - and often overlooked - area.

Central to the concept of bankroll management for losing players is that this technique will help you lose slower than you otherwise might. Bankroll management can also tell you how often you can move up to where people repect your raises before suffering a bad-beat, and give you an indication of what level of heads-up match you can play when you come home at 2am totally drunk munching a kebab having failed to pull.

Bankroll Management For Losers - How Many Buy-ins To Lose Slowest?

The idea here is if you spread your bankroll too thin, you'll never have enough cash to flash the cash around at work or college and explain to everyone that you are a poker pro. Balancing against this is that, if you lose your bankroll too fast, then you will have less chances to make a score.

Ideally, as a losing player you go through a 'bell shape' curve of buy-ins, starting by taking a shot at the (relative) big game, then playing safe by 'grinding' the lower levels, before noticing you only have $20 left and taking a shot once again... here is how it works for different games:

SNGs $100 Bankroll:

- Play a $30+$3 SNG, lose it to an 'all-in bingo monkey who will not play poker'
- Drop down to the 45-man $3's where you slowly lose another $50
- Think 'fvck it' and try a $22, where you get 3rd by calling with Ace-six at the bubble when you
'knew' that your huge-stacked opponent was bluffing just taking advantage of a tiny-stack not in the hand.
- Play another $33 and lose, throwing the remaining $8 away in an ultra-trubo satellite to atournament you would never cash in if it were played 10,000 times, you fish.

Cash Games $200 Bankroll:

- Start at 50c / $1 building your stack up to $164 by cleverly pushing all-in on the flop to win
just over $20 3-times in a row, get called 4th time by a flopped set and lose it all.
- Drop down to 10c / 25c, buying in for $10 each time and suffering a succession of bad beats.
- Down to $40 you can now join the $1 / $2 game with a minimum buy-in of 20 big blinds, raise-folding your way down to 10, then pushing a pair of kings on an ace high flop to lose the rest.

Imagine playing these games without bankroll management - the mind simply boggles at the thought of how fast you might lose that cash.

Well, since we know you fish have tiny attention spans, we will break it there - bookmark us today and come right on back for Part #2 of our bankroll management for losers series where we explain which buy-in levels to choose when you fancy taking a p1ssed shot, and of course which blackjack side-games are best for when you are tilted after slowplaying aces in a 6 way pot and losing.

Well might even bring some poker news in the meantime - though our story about the class action lawsuit against Phil Hellmuth by Hedgehogs who claim he has bought curling up into a ball into disrepute has been delayed by a gagging order made by publicity-crazy woodlice...


Friday, 12 March 2010

UB Aruba Poker Tournament Canceled - An MF Investigation

In an investigation so thorough we even went to page 2 of the Google search results, we bring you a story which will shake the very core of the poker celebrity world today, Dear Melted Felt readers... While poker enthusiasts raise their brows, tut, and mumble phrases such as 'crowded market', or 'too many tours' we have heard rumors that the Ultimate Bet Aruba tournament this year has been cancelled for more sinister reasons.

Before we reveal the made-up truth, let us knock over the flimsy dog-ate-my-homework-eque excuses which have been circulating on various message boards and blogs.

Firstly the creation of the NAPT by Pokerstars crowding out the market for poker tournaments which require you to actually sign away your very soul (in addition to any 'rights' your pathetic mortal flesh and blood may have believed it had) before you enter. This one does not quite gel for us, I mean, lets compare a tropical island paradise with a tatty casino setup in some isolated Indian reservation for a moment... bikinnis and cocktails compared to wine-flavored soft drinks and dealers on 56-hour shifts - anyone?

Next we understood that a glitch was found in the Aruba tournament poker tables, which alledgedly allowed the wearer of a special set of glasses to be beamed information on the hole-cards of all of their opponents... Melted Felt tried to contact the table manufacturer, Hamilton Poker Tables LLC, but they could not be reached for comment.

So, dear Melted Felt readers, we come to the shocking truth, exclusively supplied by the voices in our heads - that an accidental oversight in Ultimate Bet's contract writing team, combined with a gentleman being of a *cough* 'certain age' lead to the strong possibility that one Phil Hellmuth might pack his pair of yellow super-tight Speedo swimming briefs again this year... with this disturbing picture now in the heads of 100's of readers worldwide I am sure you can understand why UB management thought it would be prudent to cancel the event - on public safety grounds.


Wednesday, 10 March 2010

Oscars And Poker Both Make History At The Same Time!

In a post that still holds worthless share options once worth millions 10 years on - we are happy to bring you news not just of, erm, stuff which happens - but the very building blocks of history itself. Yes, dear Melted Felt readers, there is more to news than writing stuff down that makes people exclaim 'You can't write that!"... and last weekend's historical moments were a case in point!

Not only did Kathy Bungelow become the first female win the best picture vote at the 2010 academy award - presented my Sesame Street's Oscar - but a female player also made poker history, by actually winning something...

Yes, dear Melted Felt readers - when cutie-pie Annie Duke scooped that last sensational pot in the National Heads up poker championship those washing-up softened hands she threw into the air marked the very first time a female player had won anything in poker on US soil, ever.

Oddly enough even the World Series ladies event has never been won by a female player. Though there is still a major legal dispute concerning whether 'Milly' the winner of the 2001 event is as female as 'she' claimed. With a definite 5-o-clock shadow by the end of the final table, prominent adams-apple, muscular hairy legs and tendency to relexly answer to the name 'Dave' we have our doubts...

So, congratualations to sweet Annie, who is apparently very kind to kittens and loves to knit when not shopping for new shoes or reading Ubuntu Poker . We are going to make a bold prediction, dear readers, yes - Melted Felt will put it's proverbial neck on the line and state that we think this is just the start, and that there will be not just one, but two female victors in big poker tournaments this decade... though we are pretty sure it will not be in ladies events.


Monday, 8 March 2010

P1ss Poor People Rejoyce As Mini-FTOPs XV Starts!

People with fvck all money the world over are rubbing their germ-ridden filthy sweaty hands together today, dear Melted Felt readers, as the Full Tilt Online Poker Series Mini Version gets underway. With buy-ins only 1/10th of those of the normal FTOPs this has caused much joy among the large population of slightly damp-smelling, flea-ridden poor people who lurk in gutters near you!

Even the most degenerate crystal-meth addicts are will have wide grins full of the rotten stumps of their teeth as they barely scrape together $20 for an entry into the 6-max no-limit holdem event, this features final table prizes big enough to stop them having to streetwalk for at least a couple of months...

In the interests of cutting-edge poker journalism from the coal-face of gritty reality [FFS Mark, its a fvucking satire blog you n0nce - Ed] we tracked down a selection of extremely poor people to bring you the low-down on their hopes, dreams and aspirations in the coming mini-FTOPS...

First we spoke to Brian 29, an unemployed construction worker from Alabama. Brian has not worked since 2007, lost his home and wife when he could no longer afford the monthly finance on either and now spend his days boring anyone who will listen to tears with tales of a global financial conspiracy. After borrowing twelve dollars from his 7 year old daughter while she was at school, Brian was really looking forward to the Mini FTOPS knockout event - until he realized he had sold his computer to pay for his addiction to cheap brandy, oops.

Next to the UK, where poor as pants 14 year old Simon has pooled his entire years freeroll winnings to proudly join the ranks of the p1ss-poor by playing a $3 satellite to the $22 7-game event. Keyboard-hardman Simon has already posted long questions about cashing out on 12 different forums without using a single capital-letter - and also replied to other people's threads concerning the ins-and-outs of tax reporting and the poker pro lifestyle. He is really looking forward to calling as many opponents as possible 'retards' and lecturing them on the finer points of strategy.

Finally, we went to Africa, where we spoke to 'Jum' - even though most of her family has been mutilated with machettes and then burned alive in a remote Sudanise village, and her one remaining daughter despearately needed treatment for chronic diarreah and malnutrition - the international aid agencies had given Jum access to a solar-powered laptop so she would be able to play the mini-FTOPS Pot-limit Omaha (with rebuys).Explaining how she loved to play double-suited rundowns in position against a raise, Jum explained how the synchronised breaks would come in really handy for a quick burial if her daughter died during the event itself...

So, poor people, being considerably richer than you we will not be lowering ourselves to join you unwashed scumbags in the Mini events themselves, though we do wish you the best of luck at the tables and look forward to welcoming the eventual winners in the world of normal people...


Sunday, 7 March 2010

Berlin Poker Game Robbery - A Roundup Of The Roundups

In a news item that has nothing to do with making your enemies drink a quart of castor-oil, we bring you coverage of a daring robbey straight out of the big book of daring robberies today - dear Melted Felt readers - concerning the European Poker Tour Berlin event being robbed for the tune of $1.1 million!

Instead of dwelling on how the robbers knew that the secret password to get past security was 'Ich Bin Ein Berliner', or speculate on whether this was really an appropriate way for pokerstars to make poker more exciting after FullTilt's 'Rush' - we bring you coverage of the coverage... showing how different news organisations and poker communities are keeping you up to date with the shocking developments.

CNN: "Shock As Berlin Poker Game Robbed" - Get the full story after this fvucking long advert break, preview of next week's shows, another long advert break, world headlines, weather and another long advert break...

German News Daily: "Greeks Revert To Desparate Measures To Avoid Paying Off Own Defecit"

Yahoo! : Card Game Robbed For Over $1 Million In Berlin... Click Here To Find Out Which Game...

2+2 Forums: "2 Robbers Outside And 4 Inside With 2 Automatic Weapons, 4 Fvck-off Big Knives And 3 Grenades Not Considered The Optimal Value-Extracting Line For Casino Robberies "

Pocked Fives: "It Really P1sses Me Off When Some Retard With, Like Zero Scores Man, Scores $1.1 Million, Just Look At Their Sharkscope Graphs, Lucky Fvcking Fish, Its Not Fair, Retard"

PokerNews: EPT Berlin Robbed 2 Weeks Ago - $5k freeroll, $10k Freeroll + Points Chase - Money Lost.

Well, all very exciting - we are just relieved the ladies event had to be cancelled really... well, would you want to be the member of staff who had to assess whether they were really, erm, 'ladies' or not (2 posts down dear occasional readers....).

Anyway, if you would like the opportunity to win a seat in a future European Poker tour event in which the prize pool has not yet been robbed we can recommend the SNG planet guide to the
Best EPT Satellite Qualifiers!


Thursday, 4 March 2010

Poker Player In 'Dropping Tiger Woods' Sensation

In a news item that completely refuses to shake John Terry's hand, we can today bring you news of the latest devastating blow to the career of the former clean-behind-the-ears-nice-boy of the sporting world - Tiger Woods.

As if getting dropped by firms such as Nike, Accenture and Gatoraid were not enough, Melted Felt can sensationally reveal that the Tiger has now been dropped by Phil Ivey too. Yes, dear readers, the poker playing legend has now officially asked his fans to stop referring to him as the 'Tiger Woods of Poker'... and has set a 4-week deadline for being known as 'The Poker Player Formerly Known As The Tiger Woods of Poker' just to be crystal clear...

Ivey had carried the 'Tiger' tag for many years after some 3rd rate journalist or other noticed they shared a broadly similar skin-tone, basketball shaped heads and, erm, were both good at, erm, something sporting-ish. However, with the latest revalations - particularly about Woods' poor ability to avoid trees when driving - Ivey has decided it is time to seek a new comparison in the sporting world.

So, dear readers, we leave it to you to come up with some suggestions, the 'Magic Johnson of poker' does not really fit for someone only 5 feet tall... the 'Babe Ruth of the felt' has a ring to it, but people are just not called 'Babe' these days... we tried the international 'Micheal Schumacher of Poker' but somehow both chalk and cheese keep popping into our head at the same time...

So, answers in a comment please: Phil Ivey is the _________ _______ of Poker.

We'll award the winner a sealion of their choice from any zoo in the fuvking world, or maybe we won't.


Monday, 1 March 2010

Political Storm As Germans Invent Word For 'Fold'

In a news item more crunchy than an Orca trainer, we today bring you news of a political and intellectual poker storm which is raging in Germany!

When professor Klaus Von Saurkraut invented a previously missing word in the German language, it caused some poker confusion. 'Folden' which can be directly translated as 'To Fold' is just not something Germanic poker players were used to... getting their heads round the concept took a while with crys of, 'Ja-vol Ich Call Anyway', and 'Raisen, Nicht Folden' heard on the virtual tables for weeks...

While it slowly sank in that Folding was, in fact, sometimes a good strategy - a separate scandal started to brew. Should Folden be a Der, Die or a Das?? After all, the Gemans like to sort things nicely into categories of Masculine, Feminine, and Neutral...

We spoke to Helmut Autobahn, an avid poker fan from Berlin. After explaining that it was a special clause in the new constitution after reunification with the East which actually mandates that German Poker players open mini-raise every fvcking hand, Helmut shed some light on the Folden debate. "On ze face of it you might think folden is a more effeminate action, what with giving in to the masterful and all powerful act of, um, raising", began Helmut between sips of Weissbier, "Yet, ze German ladies are often 220 pounds, hairy and build like giant pit-bull terriers chewing on wasps (and zat is ze pretty ones, ja)- so we did not vish to offend them by using ze prefix 'Die'"

Helmut then explained how the all powerful Unions were preventing them using 'Der', due to the role of 'Folder' being part of the auto construction process - a job mandating that wages get tripled every year and workers retire at 33 with index linked lifetime final salary pensions...

Which left the neutral Das Folden, well, don't suppose it really matters - I mean it is not like German players are actually going to use this technique any time soon now, is it...


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