Monday, 8 March 2010

P1ss Poor People Rejoyce As Mini-FTOPs XV Starts!

People with fvck all money the world over are rubbing their germ-ridden filthy sweaty hands together today, dear Melted Felt readers, as the Full Tilt Online Poker Series Mini Version gets underway. With buy-ins only 1/10th of those of the normal FTOPs this has caused much joy among the large population of slightly damp-smelling, flea-ridden poor people who lurk in gutters near you!

Even the most degenerate crystal-meth addicts are will have wide grins full of the rotten stumps of their teeth as they barely scrape together $20 for an entry into the 6-max no-limit holdem event, this features final table prizes big enough to stop them having to streetwalk for at least a couple of months...

In the interests of cutting-edge poker journalism from the coal-face of gritty reality [FFS Mark, its a fvucking satire blog you n0nce - Ed] we tracked down a selection of extremely poor people to bring you the low-down on their hopes, dreams and aspirations in the coming mini-FTOPS...

First we spoke to Brian 29, an unemployed construction worker from Alabama. Brian has not worked since 2007, lost his home and wife when he could no longer afford the monthly finance on either and now spend his days boring anyone who will listen to tears with tales of a global financial conspiracy. After borrowing twelve dollars from his 7 year old daughter while she was at school, Brian was really looking forward to the Mini FTOPS knockout event - until he realized he had sold his computer to pay for his addiction to cheap brandy, oops.

Next to the UK, where poor as pants 14 year old Simon has pooled his entire years freeroll winnings to proudly join the ranks of the p1ss-poor by playing a $3 satellite to the $22 7-game event. Keyboard-hardman Simon has already posted long questions about cashing out on 12 different forums without using a single capital-letter - and also replied to other people's threads concerning the ins-and-outs of tax reporting and the poker pro lifestyle. He is really looking forward to calling as many opponents as possible 'retards' and lecturing them on the finer points of strategy.

Finally, we went to Africa, where we spoke to 'Jum' - even though most of her family has been mutilated with machettes and then burned alive in a remote Sudanise village, and her one remaining daughter despearately needed treatment for chronic diarreah and malnutrition - the international aid agencies had given Jum access to a solar-powered laptop so she would be able to play the mini-FTOPS Pot-limit Omaha (with rebuys).Explaining how she loved to play double-suited rundowns in position against a raise, Jum explained how the synchronised breaks would come in really handy for a quick burial if her daughter died during the event itself...

So, poor people, being considerably richer than you we will not be lowering ourselves to join you unwashed scumbags in the Mini events themselves, though we do wish you the best of luck at the tables and look forward to welcoming the eventual winners in the world of normal people...

MF

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