Friday, 19 March 2010

PokerStars Introduce Sleep Poker

In a news item more snappy than Beckham's achillies, dear Melted Felt Readers, we bring you news that you will soon be able to play at Pokerstars 24 hours a day, 7 days a week all year-round and even on, erm, Tuesdays - with a prototype space-age helmet which actually allows you to play poker while asleep.

This new technology, designed to keep you generating rake all fvcking night long as well as all day currently supports up to 16 cash game tables - and relies heavily on the fact that most players know they should 'vary their betting patterns' but always decide to do it next time. Since beating the fish is now such a mathematically precise formula that you could do it in your sleep Pokerstars will be enabling you to do just that by sampling your theta-waves after each bad-beat and randomly assigning a cutting remark.

What is more the delux version of the Sleep-Poker helmet comes with a feature which posts hand histories in which you played perfectly but suffered a bad beat onto popular forums, randomly posing questions such as 'How Would You Play This Turn?' or 'Could I have gotten away on the river?'.

As the time of writing Stars were working on a tournament version of the sleep-poker helmet, initial trials, in which players keep p1ssing the bed during 5-minute synchronised breaks, has caused a temporary return to the development labs. We tried to get a word from the Pokerstars techies on what would happen if a user forgot to take off the helmet before having sex... they laughed, pointing out that 16-tabling grinders are more likely be struck by a meterorite, lightning and win the lottery on the same day than to get laid...

Rumor has it that Full Tilt are researching response options which include ways to inject cocaine directly into the base of your brain while 28 tabling Rush Poker...

MF

PS: We would like to thank friend of Melted Felt Lutz for his valued feedback, especially when it comes *cough* pointing out the errors of our ways when it comes to the German *cough* ladies (see post from a weekish ago)... you can see Lutz's site here Online Pokerräume (in German!)... if you would like to correct our assumption that the ladies from your country are hairy, green and / or bovine then drop us a comment!

2 comments:

Akhil said...

Hahaha, pure gold!

Kobi said...

Great post, enjoyed reading it while I was snorting 2 lines of coke, drinking mags of coffee and playing against 44 donkies on Full-Tilt.
Keep it coming...

 
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