Friday, 30 April 2010

Quick Fire Friday Poker News Roundup

Not written anything here for a while... well, actually I have, pretty bl00dy regularly for a good couple of years now, only every other blogger seems to start their posts like that - so I figured it was time Melted Felt joined in with the cool kids - now I feel cool too, well a bit.

Right, another quick fire round up today. For those who prefer our in-depth investigative-journalist, cutting edge complete-nonsense pieces hold on! You are literally just days away from part one of 'The Melted Felt Guide To Poker And Parents'... which is aimed squarely at all you intelligent kids who are heading for a bright futures as taxi drivers, no!, no no no, we mean poker pros damm1t, poker pros.

Anyway, what has been happening in the exciting yet insular world of poker?

- Anyone remember the Durrrr Challenge? Well, it is still going on... and you know what, there is even talk of a 2nd challenger in the air. None other than Brian Hastings looks set to take up the million dollar challenge - just as soon as he alledgedly finishes pooling hand histories with his buddies and comes up with a collective winning strategy.

- A group of kidneys have decided to get together and play a kidneys-only poker tournament with the procedes going to Jennifer Harman. We spoke to the left kidney organizing the event who outlined the fact that Jennifer was a worthy cause, and that it hoped other internal organs would soon be organizing their own tournaments to support struggling poker pros. We were unable to get many details of the time and venue as the spokes-kidney was promptly eaten by a medium-sized dog.

- Cake Poker have finally come to their senses and stopped trying to pretend that the software client 'created for poker players by poker players' was actually anything other than, well, sh1te. The release of their new beta software is now in final test and inside sources tell us a big marketing campaign is about to be released - alledgedly using the slogan 'Cake Poker, Slightly Less Sh1te Software - Fvck All Players'... we can't wait!


Wednesday, 28 April 2010

Wednesday's Wicked Wonderings Wevealed - A Poker News Roundup

Go on, dear Melted Felt readers, you can admit it - you missed me while I was on a short break didn't you? What? No idea who I am or why it matters to you if I take a long weekend off? Ah, better get on with a made-up summary of some of the fascinating news then!

- Firstly the congressional hearings for Barney Frank's 'Safe and Secure Internet Poker Taxing Plan' legistlation and the, erm, other one, did not get a hearing in committee this month after all after the entire committee remembered that they had piano lessons that afternoon. This has increased the likelihood of the UIGEA going into effect on June 1st, according to some sources. Poker players all over the US have collectively agreed that this will affect every other poker player except them personally.

- Poker News Daily is reporting that Annette_15 Obrestadt is going to try a re-run of her famous win in a pokerstars 180 player tournament without looking at her hole cards. At first we thought this should be easy... until we found out that Annette is going to attempt the entire 3 hour+ match without eating. C'mon, who you trying to kid?

- High Stakes Poker has continued to hit the news too, with the utterly dull spectacle of big name pros swapping cash amounts which could change your dull, ordinary life overnight. We only note it here to say a quick thanks to the producers for making the fish believe that suited 5-gappers and ace-rag are perfectly acceptable raising hands.

- Finally, it seems that some of the legal heat on Full Tilt Poker has been turned down a notch or two, with not one but two separate cases dismissed recently. Well, Kentucky may be chickens, and Cali may have smoked too much green to remember to pursue the case... but Melted Felt are busy preparing their very own lawsuit, and under satirical law the burden of proof that the small dog avatar does not have an unfair 'run good' advantage will be with the plaintiffs.


Thursday, 22 April 2010

Phil Hellmuth World Series Entrance - A Counter Proposal

In a news item so theatrical we expect a call from the big Broadway venues at any moment, we bring you a counter-proposal for Phil Hellmuth's 2010 World Series big entrance.

Yes, dear Melted Felt readers, after hearing that Phil and the gang were planning an 'MMA' or 'UFC' style entrance this year we immediately came up with a big long list of better ideas... after crossing off such concepts as 'curling up into a ball' and the Phil N Annie 'Tarzan and Jane' act we came up with something more like a fully blown visual and musical extravaganza, well, sort of.

Yes, dearest readers we bring you: The Immaculate (Poker) Conception... in which the beauty of life itself is celebrated as we travel back in time to the very birth of Phil Hellmuth himself!

This will take a large cast of UB qualifiers and we will start with half dressed as cupids and half dressed as flowers, setting the scene with a tightly choreographed dance routine. Next a big creshendo and puff of smoke (with glitter) and the one and only Annie Duke (oh, Annie) appears at the top of a flight of stairs - dressed in the all-white of an angel and sporting huge white wings.

Annie will slowly decend the stairs doing high-kicks, bringing her wings slowly together - revealing that the edges and outside are pinky red, representing fertility and the perfect feminine form in gigantic proportions as the wings are finally brought together revealing the shape of an enormous vag1na... By now the cupids and flowers have switched costumes into huge sperms, and have formed a tightly packed group moving ever so slowly towards the waiting Annie.

Another creshendo in the music and more smoke and glitter and the sperms split to reveal... Phil Himself!

As the alpha-male, the prodigal son and the greatest poker player ever, Phil will represent the masculine form of the immaculate (poker) conception in the form of a giant 2 meter tall phallas - surging forward towards Annie where yet another big puff of dry ice / smoke will shield their union.

Silence follows for maybe 13 seconds, where after a faint but audible crying sound can be heard from the centre of the stage. The vigorously dancing sperm then part to reveal a large baby crying. We thought Joe Sebok dressed in an adult diaper with one of those comedy massive pacifiers would work out well here... this would of course represent the beautiful moment of the birth of Hellmuth.

OK, so we have not *quite* figured how to get Phil out of the giant c0ck costume and onto his table just yet... I mean, he could always just walk in (on time), sit down and play this year... it would probably get just as much press coverage.

Can you think of a better entrance? Let us know!


Monday, 19 April 2010

Travel Misery As Stranded American Misses Sunday Million

In a news item full of minute particles of glass, we bring you some news from Europe today Dear Melted Felt readers... where the very sun is blotted out by a completely invisible cloud of volcanic dust covering the entire continent.

You may think that the lack of specialist exotic fruit and fresh-cut flowers on the supermarket shelves was already pretty horrific - we will today shock you with an even worse outcome, as Nate, a 25 year old poker player from Boston - spent a 4th night in a hotel next to Heathrow airport - some 3000 miles away from his PC and already paid-for Sunday Million entry.

As fruit growers in 3rd world countries comtemplated their wares rotting in stranded containers, loved ones are unable to attend weddings of sweaty, fat and extremely ugly 50 year old guys with unusual body-hair to 19 year old Thai beauties who did not speak English - and daddies all over the world missed the 3rd birthday parties of their little princesses... a much worse fate was happening to Nate - he simply blinded away.

"I tried to call my buddies to get them to unregister me" said Nate via telephone from Foggy London, "but they laughed and asked if online poker was legal" continuing "Mom was no help either, she just kept asking whether I had enough clean underwear and enquiring as to what language they spoke in England".

We asked Nate what steps he had taken to get compensation... "well, I went to the airline desk, it was busy with some whining idiot complaining that his 11 year old son was dying for lack of insulin... after shoving that a55hole out of the way and then using my superior muscle power to get past the old lady waffling on about how her husband was on his death bed and asking for he before he passes - I tried to explain to the staff that they owed me two hundred and fifteen fvcking US fvcking dollars, man, but they just looked at me blankly - don't they fvucking know I have some serious forum rep?"

With the flight ban already extended until 1am local time on Tuesday we are certainly concerned about the tournament schedules of stranded travellers everywhere. Finally, we would like to congratualate Nate, who - by virtue of playing no hands at all - managed his deepest finish in the Sunday Million ever!


Friday, 16 April 2010

Annie Duke iPhone App - Big Name Responses

Well, dear Melted Felt readers, if my arm was just a little longer I might actually be able to read the screen of my iPhone. This has not, however, stopped Annie Duke from launching an iPhone Poker app. With Annie's App you download completely nak... [thats the other blog Mark, stay focused now - Ed ], yes, erm, of course, I mean poker tips, that was it, tips, oh and an odds calculator too and, and, and - if you are really lucky - some other stuff - of some description.

Anyway, we would not be the service we are today without bringing you the cutting edge of made up poker news stories. We understand that it is only a matter of months before there are iPhone Poker Apps from a number of poker celebs out there these include:

- Mike Matusow's Special App: Using a mixture of wetness and pressure sensors this app will automatically detect the fact that it is at the bottom of a swimming pool, triggering the order for a new phone to be immediately dispatched via UPS.

- Daniel Negreanu's App: This multi-function application specialises in keeping you up to date with the latest hair restoration technology, recipie ideas involving vegetables and plays a fun little tune when it assesses it is time for your small dog to pop one out... though we can not really recommend the functions which advise you on playing high-stakes online cash games.

- Sebok Special App: This simple (and completely free) poker iPhone App simply reminds you that Joe is definitely not gay every 2 hours or so by playing 'YMCA' by the Village People and twittering some nonsense or other.

- Doyle's App: Not only will you see Doyle Brunson smiling at you saying 'Hi, I'm Doyle Brunson' every time you switch on that phone, this amazing app can keep track of up to 17 different types of medication, reminding you when it is time to pop the next pill. An annoying glitch in this app does prematurely announce your retirement every now and again - though we found the regular 'Not Dead Yet!' broadcast feature particularly useful.

While we are sure these are not the last iPhone apps we will be seeing, its time to go and do some proper work... let us know if you think of any more!


Tuesday, 13 April 2010

Poker Legalization To Be Discussed On April 16th

In a news item which thinks clutching at straws should be an Olympic sport, we bring you news of not one, but two bills which are going to be discussed in congressional committee this week. Yes, dear Melted Felt readers, not only will the good members of the financial services committee not be marking up either bill, they anticipate falsely raising the last shreds of remaining hope that US internet poker players are desperately clinging to even as we write.

First up before the committee is the 'Would You P1ss On An Online Poker Player If He Were On Fire?' act, which waffles on about the UIGEA being poorly worded and points out that some 63% of Americans supported online poker by stating that they would indeed P1ss on a burning online poker player, as long as they had drunk at least a gallon of premium strength cider and somebody had glued speakers playing dripping tap noises to their ears. It is expected that Jon Kyl will be recommending letting that warm pungent smelling wee dribble slowly down your left leg while watching the online poker player die an agonizing feiry death - rather than use said urine to, well, put them out.

The second bill combines that faint and distant hope with an oh-so-fluffy kitten, erm, no we mean helping people who - through no fault of their own - are unable to help themselves. These people, commonly known as the stupid masses, get themseleves into all sorts of pickles, and by picking the right pickle that gells with the mood of the rest of the masses, ordinary people get themselves elected... so what better use of the tax dollars internet gambling would bring than to help some stupid people suffer slightly less for their own stupidity.

Putting all this together we get the 'Snowballs Chance In Hell Act' which, while making all the right noises has as much chance of survival as that fluffy kitten you just threw into an active volcano, poor poor cat.

Still, at least poker players throughout the US have the next 4 days to desperately cling to some vestage of hope that online poker will be regulated, all the while knowing - in their heart of hearts - that their passtime is utterly doomed.

Right, I'm off to play some pot-limit omahahaahha.


Thursday, 8 April 2010

Muttel Launch New Game " Pro Grinderz - The Family Gaming Experience" (TM)

In a news item which never smokes in plane toilets - we bring you tidings of a wholesome family-based board game in which players compete to reach the goal of becoming a small stakes pro poker grinder (with rakeback, dual monitor setup and respect on at least one poker forum).

This game comes complete a child-friendly wipe clean board and toxic chemical free plastic dice, 72 'Variance Cards' and electronically tagged 'bankroll cards' and several Trivial Pursuit type 'cheeses' - one for each table added to your players multi-tabling skillz.

The play of 'Pro Grinderz - The Family Gaming Experience' (TM) is to progress through 3 phases, with the ultimate winner being the first to reach 'Robusto' status.

Phase 1 Involves getting to a level where people 'respect your raises'... this is difficult with many variance cards and bad squares on the board to trap you including 'Tilt', 'Accept Heads-Up For Rollz' and 'Doomswitched'. Each player must get to at least $1 / $2 without getting bored to death by the bad-beat stories loser who pops up around the board. At the end of this phase any players who have not progressed beyond 25c / 50c are said to have declared themselves 'good but unlucky' and exit the game to play something less rigged instead.

Phase 2 Is where the excitement really starts, this is called 'Making The Leap', with the objective of transforming from a bright and happy college student into a pale, skinny and reclusive poker pro. This stage is far from easy, with variance cards including 'Poker Hating Girlfriend' and 'Caught Multi-Accounting' waiting to trap the unwary player. Success at this stage involves dropping out of college while still collecting your allowance from your rich parents, while building up your bankroll and patronising tournament players for being less skilled that a cash-game god like you.

If you made it this far through 'Pro Grinderz - The Family Gaming Experience' (TM) then congratualations! You are already in the superior minority who made it as a small stakes pro. Now the real tough part begins...

Phase 3 - Here the challenge is to get your 'forum rep' up to as high a level as possible, while successfully explaining to friends and family that you are not gambling - at least in the sense they think you are. As your real-life friends stop contacting you one-by-one due to your company being painfully dull, your forum buddies take on a whole new importance... for every wanna-be 'phase 1' player you impress with a cutting remark or insult to a well-meaning fish, you gain 'Rep Points' which exist only in your head...

As you fight with the creeping realization that dropping out of school has in fact lead to a life of dull and pointless mouse clicking, social isolation and unhealthy lifestyle options you will need to be ever more aggressive in convincing those who (somehow) still care for you that you made a legitimate choice which they should respect and that you are actually a very talented individual.

As your last friends get married and promoted you can thank your whit and judgement that you get to spend 14 hours a day in front of those same old tables playing those same old hands... instead of being a 'wage slave' stuck in a cubicle - you have now won this game of 'Pro Grinderz - The Family Gaming Experience' (TM) and can now slap yourself on the back and consider yourself 'balla', erm, no, wait...


Tuesday, 6 April 2010

Quick Fire Tuesday - A Poker News Roundup

A rapid roundup of rocking rolling retrospectives today, dear Melted Felt readers... as we bring you the latest and greatest from the utterly fantastic world of online poker news. While you were stuffing chocolate eggs into your already obese bodies this weekend the following announcements have been made:

- The Feds are apparently investigating Full Tilt Poker over allegations of money laundering. With Chris 'Jesus' Ferguson and Howard Lederer named in the investigation. Inside sources suggest that specific allegations that Chris hid the money under his hat while line-dancing, after distracting people present by slicing a carrot with a playing card - Ferguson did a quick dosey-doe with an unknown accomplace - switching the money for clean cash. Meanwhile Lederer's role is to effectively bore the investigators to death with so called strategy videos, or something.

- Everest Poker are to sue Harrah's over their sponsorship deal at the World Series of poker. The case here is that after $8 million in cash 99% of people still have no clue who Everest Poker are... Harrah's are alledgedly considering counter-suing, citing the fact that the table sponsorship contract did not actually specify that the logo was to be on the top of the tables

- Finally, the prize pool at the Paddy Power Irish Open has needed to be refinanced by the Irish government after entry fees were found to be the result of banks simply making up cash reserves. This came to no surprise to the Irish contestants, who after several years of swanning round Europe buying up property thinking they were savvy business people - realized that the money never existed in the first place. It is understood that unless the government can come up with a bail-out fast, the prizes for this event will have to be paid out in guiness and potatoes.


Friday, 2 April 2010

The EV of smashing your mouse (mathsy version).

A guest post today, dear Melted Felt readers, from Greg over at The Pokerbank... Greg was so inspired by an article over at Deuces Cracked, that he took time off of the usual Welsh passtimes of singing in male-voice choirs on rugged mountain-sides, wearing daffodils and losing international Rugby matches - to work through the numbers of smashing your mouse EV!

The EV Of Smashing Your Mouse (Mathsy Version)

So there I was reading this article by Tommy Angelo on the EV of mouse smashing. It’s really interesting and sheds a whole new light on one of my favourite pastimes.

The idea is that rendering your mouse inoperable prevents you from being able to continue playing poker whilst on tilt. Therefore, because the cost of your mouse is less than you would have lost had you continued to play, you actually save money.

However, like all sports fans my age I was left feeling a little empty due to the lack of mathematics. Just how +EV or -EV is it to smash your mouse? We need numbers. I needed to act quickly.

So I called up the Olsen twins, cancelled our threesome and started work on my mathematically driven project to find out the real EV behind tilt-induced mouse annihilation (or ‘TIMA’ as it’s never referred to).

The variables.

To come up with our equation for the EV of pitching your mouse to the nearest and firmest wall, we need to identify the variables that will effect how much money the act can save/lose us.

1) The cost of the mouse. Needs no explanation.

2) Collateral. Unless you’re playing outdoors, there’s a fair chance that the mouse isn’t going to be the only expense you have to deal with.

3) Your winrate whilst on tilt. This should in theory be very much negative thanks to your raging stupor, courtesy of a horrific bad beat.

4) The time in hours you would normally spend playing on tilt. The more blindly vengeful you are, the longer this glorious time period will be. This may be hard to judge however as severe bad beats tend to send us in to a tilt-coma that melts our own perception of space and time.

5) The time in hour you miss out on playing due to the lack of a pointing device for your computer. Can be referred to as “the downtime”. Assuming you manage to cool down before purchasing your next mouse, there will be a period where you’re actually missing out on playing poker and winning money.

6) Your standard winrate. We’ll need to combine this with our downtime to figure out how much cash monies we’re missing out on.

Now let’s force these all together to form an equation.

The equation.

• EVms = EV of smashing your mouse due to tilt.
• Play time is measure in hours.
• Winrates are measure in $/hour.

If you’re not good with maths don’t worry, just take it as it is and calm yourself down. It does make sense. If you are good at maths, I apologise for my god-awful notation (or lack of it).

This equation is all well and awesome, but it’s not really interesting unless we can plug in some numbers for different player types and work out the actual EV of mouse rape-age.

The EV of mouse smashing for different player types.

Let’s assume that each player experiences a 2 outer on the river and loses 200bbs. They then launch their mouse in an outward direction toward any hard surface or spouse. We’ll assume that if they didn’t break their mouse they would continue to play as they would under the influence of however much tilt they would experience thanks to the bad beat in question.

To make my life easier, let’s also assume that each player type plays $1/$2 NL Texas Hold'em cash and has the following:

• A mouse that costs $50.
• Collateral damage worth $25 on average per throw.
• A standard winrate of 6bb (big blinds) per hour when playing well. That’s $12/hour.
• Misses out on 4 hours worth of good playing time on average because they have no mouse after cooling down. That’s $48 in total.

The totally balanced player - The “Tommy Angelo”.

Tilt winrate = 6bb. Tommy Angelo doesn’t get tilted, tilt gets Tommy Angelo’d.
Tilt time = 0 hours. See above.

EV of mouse smashing for Tommy Angelo = -$123

If you never tilt, mouse smashing is never a +EV move.

The average player that gets a little pissed - The “Me or You”.

Tilt winrate = -25bb. Not great at all, but could be worse. We have a tendency to make more speculative shoves than normal. “Speculative” as in “bad”.
Tilt time = 1 hour. Sounds about right.

EV of mouse smashing for someone like yourself = -$73

Not really what I was expecting to be honest; I thought it would be a little closer to being +EV. Saying that, the “average” player type can vary by quite some margin, so you’re better off filling in the blanks for yourself.

The irate gambler - The “Phil Hellmuth playing a cash game”.

Tilt winrate = -200bb. Absolutely f*cking livid, one could say. Any skill you once had at the table is replaced by a new high-aggression frustration-driven strategy.
Tilt time = 3 hours. The vengeance factor is high here. The reason for stopping is due to lack of funds as opposed to actually coming to one’s senses.

EV of mouse smashing for Phil Hellmuth playing a cash game = +$277

It’s also worth noting that we have to keep an open mind whilst assuming that Phil Hellmuth would be able to achieve a winrate of 6bb at an NL cash table in the first place. Nonetheless, it’s very clear that irate gamblers benefit from a self-imposed suspension from play.


Mouse smashing can pay off under the right conditions. Not for most level headed players though.

Don’t throw your mouse if you’re playing at micro or small stakes games. It’s unlikely to ever pay off.

Buy a cheaper mouse if you’re easily annoyed. The cost of the mouse should be inversely proportional to your susceptibility to uncontrollable rage.

A weighty mouse should create a much more satisfying smash, but increases the cost of collateral damage.

Phil Hellmuth shouldn’t play cash games.

It’s probably more +EV to just control your tilt rather than throw your mouse. Maybe.


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