Thursday, 8 April 2010

Muttel Launch New Game " Pro Grinderz - The Family Gaming Experience" (TM)

In a news item which never smokes in plane toilets - we bring you tidings of a wholesome family-based board game in which players compete to reach the goal of becoming a small stakes pro poker grinder (with rakeback, dual monitor setup and respect on at least one poker forum).

This game comes complete a child-friendly wipe clean board and toxic chemical free plastic dice, 72 'Variance Cards' and electronically tagged 'bankroll cards' and several Trivial Pursuit type 'cheeses' - one for each table added to your players multi-tabling skillz.

The play of 'Pro Grinderz - The Family Gaming Experience' (TM) is to progress through 3 phases, with the ultimate winner being the first to reach 'Robusto' status.

Phase 1 Involves getting to a level where people 'respect your raises'... this is difficult with many variance cards and bad squares on the board to trap you including 'Tilt', 'Accept Heads-Up For Rollz' and 'Doomswitched'. Each player must get to at least $1 / $2 without getting bored to death by the bad-beat stories loser who pops up around the board. At the end of this phase any players who have not progressed beyond 25c / 50c are said to have declared themselves 'good but unlucky' and exit the game to play something less rigged instead.

Phase 2 Is where the excitement really starts, this is called 'Making The Leap', with the objective of transforming from a bright and happy college student into a pale, skinny and reclusive poker pro. This stage is far from easy, with variance cards including 'Poker Hating Girlfriend' and 'Caught Multi-Accounting' waiting to trap the unwary player. Success at this stage involves dropping out of college while still collecting your allowance from your rich parents, while building up your bankroll and patronising tournament players for being less skilled that a cash-game god like you.

If you made it this far through 'Pro Grinderz - The Family Gaming Experience' (TM) then congratualations! You are already in the superior minority who made it as a small stakes pro. Now the real tough part begins...

Phase 3 - Here the challenge is to get your 'forum rep' up to as high a level as possible, while successfully explaining to friends and family that you are not gambling - at least in the sense they think you are. As your real-life friends stop contacting you one-by-one due to your company being painfully dull, your forum buddies take on a whole new importance... for every wanna-be 'phase 1' player you impress with a cutting remark or insult to a well-meaning fish, you gain 'Rep Points' which exist only in your head...

As you fight with the creeping realization that dropping out of school has in fact lead to a life of dull and pointless mouse clicking, social isolation and unhealthy lifestyle options you will need to be ever more aggressive in convincing those who (somehow) still care for you that you made a legitimate choice which they should respect and that you are actually a very talented individual.

As your last friends get married and promoted you can thank your whit and judgement that you get to spend 14 hours a day in front of those same old tables playing those same old hands... instead of being a 'wage slave' stuck in a cubicle - you have now won this game of 'Pro Grinderz - The Family Gaming Experience' (TM) and can now slap yourself on the back and consider yourself 'balla', erm, no, wait...


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