Tuesday, 13 April 2010

Poker Legalization To Be Discussed On April 16th

In a news item which thinks clutching at straws should be an Olympic sport, we bring you news of not one, but two bills which are going to be discussed in congressional committee this week. Yes, dear Melted Felt readers, not only will the good members of the financial services committee not be marking up either bill, they anticipate falsely raising the last shreds of remaining hope that US internet poker players are desperately clinging to even as we write.

First up before the committee is the 'Would You P1ss On An Online Poker Player If He Were On Fire?' act, which waffles on about the UIGEA being poorly worded and points out that some 63% of Americans supported online poker by stating that they would indeed P1ss on a burning online poker player, as long as they had drunk at least a gallon of premium strength cider and somebody had glued speakers playing dripping tap noises to their ears. It is expected that Jon Kyl will be recommending letting that warm pungent smelling wee dribble slowly down your left leg while watching the online poker player die an agonizing feiry death - rather than use said urine to, well, put them out.

The second bill combines that faint and distant hope with an oh-so-fluffy kitten, erm, no we mean helping people who - through no fault of their own - are unable to help themselves. These people, commonly known as the stupid masses, get themseleves into all sorts of pickles, and by picking the right pickle that gells with the mood of the rest of the masses, ordinary people get themselves elected... so what better use of the tax dollars internet gambling would bring than to help some stupid people suffer slightly less for their own stupidity.

Putting all this together we get the 'Snowballs Chance In Hell Act' which, while making all the right noises has as much chance of survival as that fluffy kitten you just threw into an active volcano, poor poor cat.

Still, at least poker players throughout the US have the next 4 days to desperately cling to some vestage of hope that online poker will be regulated, all the while knowing - in their heart of hearts - that their passtime is utterly doomed.

Right, I'm off to play some pot-limit omahahaahha.

MF

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