Monday, 31 May 2010

Senator Kyl In Plan To Plug Gulf Oil Leak

Missed me? I know the mental pain and anguish is hard to bear when I take a short break, dearest Melted Felt readers. Back from the iGaming Supershow in Prague, refreshed if a little hung-over and utterly shocked to find out the latest move in the US... where Senator Jon Kyl is proposing a an entirely ficticious, yet radical solution to cleaning up the Gulf of Mexico oil leak - using online poker players.

Until now, online poker players have added little to society. Sitting in darkened rooms clicking away, totally failing to pay tax and scoring a 'nil' on social interactions in general. Kyl, a long time opponent of anyone enjoying themselves in any way whatsoever (oh and online gambling too)who is prone to throw his toys out of the pram if he does not get his own way, has suggested that ending the worst environmental disaster in the history of the US could be achieved using online poker players.

The idea is simple.

With oil gushing out at 5000 liters per hour some serious thought is required as to how the online poker player solution will be constructed. It is thought that a compact plug of slowrollers and serial limpers will be forced in first, with rakeback grinders filling in any gaps around the edges. Next a layer of (preferably backed) lower to middle limit tournament pros will be used to prevent the plug being forced out, sit n go specialists used to prevent bubbles and then some degen PLO fans layered over the top to hoover up any loose equity, erm, oil.

According to Kyl, around 23,000 online poker players should be enough to kill the leak, with an addtional 10,000 on standby in case the plan fails. All being well, there will be nobody left online to actually witness the implementaton of the UIGEA tomorrow.


Monday, 24 May 2010

Party Poker Deny Hitman Vacancy Linked To WSOP For Life Promotion

In a news item which is utterly convinced that Mars bars are smaller than they were when it was young, we bring you some news so shocking, that, well, it can't really be true... or can it (daaaaaaa-da-dooommmbbbb and other atmospheric noises followed by a sudden black cloud obscuring the sun if you p-lease). Yes, dearest Melted Felt readers, your very life may be in danger - and all because of a poker site offering a half-way-decent prize for once.

Party Poker are just about the same size as when they left the US at the end of 2006, totally fishy and quite good fun too... all the Euros together chuckling about how dumb their plays are with each other - rather than berating the main sources of money at their table to make them leave, and thinking how smart they were to have done so - which is all too common at sites open to those *ahem* across the pond.

With the usual promos and bonuses making us yawn, we were actually quite pleased to see that there was a tournament going on offering the lucky winner a seat in the World Series Main event for life... What a nice prize huh? You can even freeroll your way in (if your poor brains can stand the crazy play in those!).

We were going to have a go, and then among the vacancies list for Party's GIB HQ a spot for an experienced hit man popped up, hung around like a bad smell - and then disappeared again. We would not have minded, but the pay actually looked quite good, hours short and the terms and conditions rather flexible.

We immediately phoned the Party hotline which went via the trusty voices in our head and asked whether the winner of this promotion was indeed in mortal danger. The spokesperson 'Shirley Curlywhirly, denied it "Er, well, No' we can exclusively quote her as saying, we asked about the danger of a poisoned Cognac at the Party Poker welcome event, again denied though we did spot a moment of doubt, a suspicious hesitation in the 'I'm not really too sure I get what you mean, can I help you at all?".

Well come off it Ms, Mrs or Miss Shirley Curlywhirly, we have seen almost all the Poirots, several Diagnosis Murders, an entire season and a half of CSI (Miami) and Murder She Wrote, twice... and you are not getting this one by us yoiung or old lady! Melted Felt is determined to stand up for the playaz, the people who pay your wages dont-you-know, we are damn sure that whoever wins this prize will end up 6 feet under and fast... and not only that, we know damn well that it will be Colonel Mustard, in the Drawing Room with the Lead Piping that was responsible.


Friday, 21 May 2010

Time For Another Quick Fire Friday!

Just in time to see all you corporate puppy-dogs feeling really cool to ditch those south-park ties for the Friday weekly dress-down, we bring you yet another quick-fire roundup of the week's poker news.

First up, the 'Ways and Means' committee discussed different ways of getting Uncle Sam his rakeback this week, chatting about it theoretically for 2 and a half hours. With a tax on deposits and further tax reporting for winning players, Melted Felt's view is that this kind of legislation would wipe out half of the small stakes pros in one go - as actually paying tax on their earnings like everybody fvcking else would make the sums look very different indeed. We look forward to regulation simply to see the forums when those first IRS forms arrive.

Next we note that Pacific Poker have had a make-over. Yes the saggy bits have been tucked, the wrinkes pulled taught and the nose ever-so-slightly reshaped - oh yeah and it has been colored black and renamed as 888Poker too. First impressions are good, and the association with the 888 brand certainly keeps the place fishy, yep, sorry 888 - we can not award you the title of 'worst poker rebrand ever' currently held by Titan Poker after their hideous 2010 efforts!

Finally, it seems Cereus are all safe and sound after plugging the embrassing (though largely theoretical) security hole found in their encryption which could allow stalkers with pringles tubes to see your hole cards. A spokesman for R. Hamilton Computer Security Inc was quoted as saying, "Its perfectly safe kids, come play on the high stakes tables right now!".


Wednesday, 19 May 2010

Pokerstars Release World Series Satellites Schedule

As the pain of the SCOOP fades in the memories of 1000's of losing poker players just like you, leaving that slight air of confusion as to why you were looking forward to it so much in the first place -we look forward - dear Melted Felt readers - to the glittering lights of Vegas and the World Series of Poker. Stars today produced a couple of sensible looking pages outlining the satellite qualifiers thay they have in plan for this years Main Event. And since we are more than just a shallow and bitter poker satire blog, we felt it was our duty to bring you a quick run-down of what is in store WSOP-wise at the worlds largest poker site.

Firstly here are the options for winning that seat:

$1 hyper-turbo into the $4 Hyper-turbo into the $8.88 turbo rebuy shootout into the $109 hyper-tubo into the $700 qualifier at 3am Tuedsays. Or the 50c hyper-turbo into the $3 hyper-turbo double-shootout into step 3, where you will get called on the bubble by someone with K8 suited because he 'knew you were bluffing'. This leads directly to the $215 hyper turbo into the $1k hyper turbo, giving away 3 and a quarter guaranteed seats. There are also hyper turbo SNGs into the double shootouts into the 4-max hyper turbo qualifiers into step 6, where 5 highstakes pros are waiting oh-so patiently all day every day very much looking forward to sharing your equity, you fvcking fish.

Our favortie path are the 75 FPP hyper turbos into the $3 hyper turbos (with rebuys) with the 2x turbo qualifiers into the $109 hyper turbo rebuy into the $700 qualifiers, in which it is absolutely guaranteed a large stack will give a walk to the guy with 2bbs when folded to in the small blind just when you most needed it.

You could always by in direct to the super-satellites of course, where you'll need a calculator to work out just what the odds were of all 17 players with stacks shorter than yours doubling up on exactly the same hand at the bubble.

This year, Pokerstars are actually trying to get some of their qualifiers to play by threatening to send Negreannu round, no, erm, we meant offering them incentives.

Anyone wearing Pokerstars gear throughout the main event and cashing will get a seat in either the PCA or the North American Poker Tour. We actually preferred the offer of the DAA (duck association of America) who are offering anyone who wears a duck costume throughout the main event a free duck, or maybe not.


PS: If you'd really like to qualify we recommend the comparisons of satellites over at SNG Planet - check out the Best World Series Satellites guide now!

Monday, 17 May 2010

LA Times 'Poker Players Make Great Traders' Article Has Sweet Knock On Effects

With the damp-squib that is the SCOOP behind us, we can look to the future of online poker today - dearest Melted Felt readers. After all, while you may think that poker is the most awsome thing ever at the moment, even the small percentage of you who somehow manage to scrape a living over the medium-term will end up hating it a couple of years down the line... So, let us think about the world of work instead!

This weekend the LA times published an article which caused the chests of online poker players to puff out, their gait to take on a certain confident bounce and chins to be stroked in a knowing manner as they slowly nodded. Yes, it turns out that online poker players have a use in life after all - as stock market traders. In fact the LA times went as far as to say that the mindset of successful poker players is perfect for a new breed of stock market maestro!

When we looked deeper into this subject area it would seem that the core similarities are actually nothing to do with analytical minds, and the ability to read situations and make the best response for the long term. No, the traders just love people who are happy to click buttons all day in an environment where they add absolutely no value what so ever to society, are able to stare at screens full of numbers 12 hours a day without getting bored and have big enough egos to think that they are somehow important while doing it... now if that is not a perfect match we have no idea what is...

That, as they say when a non-stick frying pan is about to be offered as an incentive to get you to buy that set of lovely kitchen knives, is not all.

The Crazy Confectionary Company of Portland, Oregon have now jumped on the bandwagon and stated that they would be more than happy to recruit online poker players - regardless of the incline of their Sharkscope graphs. It turns out that they have a large warehouse and distribution centre opening dedicated to packaging and distributing their newest product, the 'Creamy Dreamy Chocolate Fudge Delight'. With union rates on offer and full healthcare packages, any online poker players who are really very good but just unlucky are apparently more than welcome to apply for the position of Fudge Packer, with immediate start.


Wednesday, 12 May 2010

Cereus Network Security - Major Enhancement Announced

So hot off of the press that Melted Felt slighly scalded it's fingers yesterday, we bring you some welcome news concerning the poker network desperately trying to pretend that it is now 100% secure and honest - Cereus Poker.

Yes, the latest technological advances have come together with toilet-humor to bring you the device which will put and end to super-users, multi-accounters and Russ Hamilton once and for all. We are talking about nothing less than the (patented) chocolate-starfish recognition device!

Here is how it works...

Every time you wish to log on to the Cereus Network, simply slip the slimline cushion onto your chair before you sit down and plug into your USB port. When you get to the logon screen and enter your password you'll see the big "Scan My Starfish Now" button. Pressing this will take an instantaneous anal-scan from several different angles, and your tradesman's entrance will be compared with a stored copy of your p00-hole's unique strucure (while cheezy computer graphics and dance beats appear, just like on CSI), thus ensuring that the one-account per player rules can be effectively policed.

Cereus think that their new anu-scan (TM) technology will make playing poker on their dodgy site a safe and pleasurable experience for the entire family...


PS: Yeah, long term readers will have spotted that this was an older idea brought back to the top... funny how history repeats itself at certain *ahem* poker sites, eh?

Monday, 10 May 2010

Stars In SCOOP Charity Sensation

In a poker news post so charitable it makes you want to marry your dying cat, we today bring you yet another sensational exclusive from the world of online poker. Indeed, dear Melted Felt readers it seems that Pokerstars have decided that this years SCOOP will not only fill their (located safely in tax havens) coffers... but will benefit 3 distinct charities too... owwwww, aren't they just luuuuvleyyyy.

Yes, Pokerstars have in fact agreed to donate every single unused flop, turn and river in this years SCOOP to different charities. We spoke to insider Richard Trott, who, according to his imaginary business card, is Pokerstars head of 'Offering Practical Support In Locating And Persuading Individuals and / or Organiizations Who May Wish To File Lawsuits Against Full Tilt'...

After explaining that filing against FTP was as easy as signing one of the documents he just happened (co-incidentally) to be carrying *right now*, Richard went on to explain the thinking behind the charitable donations. "With such big fields, there are an unprecedented number of flops, turns and rivers which never get used, and Pokerstars saw an opportunity to give something back to a society we so blantantly suck dry for much of the year", continuing, "the key issue was, which charities were truly deserving, which causes should be the beneficiaries of what could - at the end of the championships - actually be a reasonably large amount of flops".

Soon after completing the task of putting generic Full Tilt lawsuits into colored envelopes for us to give to friends and relations, Richard revealed that the decision had been made - in Spring Championship tradition - to split the donations into 'Low', 'Medium' and 'High', donating to the appropriate charity in each case.

At the time this news item went to press we are still waiting for an official response from the 'Tripods Anonymous' organization, dedicated to assisting well endowed dwarves, midgets and other wee-fellas. The relabilitation of chronic drug users via the HIGH charity thought that the offer of all those flops, turns and rivers was, like, really, f'n far out, man... Alas the Mediums charity had already seen the donation coming, and spent it on FTOPS entries...


Friday, 7 May 2010

Poker Hand Reading - The Complete Guide

Here at Melted Felt we see ourselves less as a poker satire blog and more of a role model for motivated and smart young people making their way into the adult wo..[Oh for f's sake, thought I'd already warned you about spouting that kind of drivel - Ed]... And what better role could a role model play than to give you VALUABLE insights into the skill of poker hand reading, a skill that could see your BANKROLL rocket!

In a well kept SECRET used by only a select number of poker pros, the lines on the palm of a players right hand - combined with an ancient hand-reading chart first developed by a mystical society of tibetan dwarves in the 11th century are used to work out the correct play. Those who master the ancient art of poker hand reading can gain UNTOLD RICHES looking straight into their opponents souls to catch bluffs, make big folds when beaten and extract MAXIMUM VALUE when even slightly ahead.

The first part of poker hand reading is to get the range of hands a player might have opened with, this is assessed by a combination of the 'run good line' (starting at the bottom and going up towards the middle finger) and the pot-odds live which goes horizontally across the middle of the palm. The closer to the left that these lines cross the tighter your opponent will play. What is more if the suckout line comes close to the run good line you could be facing a super-loose opponent - who relies almost entirely on hitting their 2 outer to stack you, you fish.

Once we have a range of hands the next step in poker hand reading is to rule out certain combinations as we home in on the holding. Here you need to combine flop-betting with the pot-odds line and tilt line of your opponent. When these are close together you have a clear case to see the turn card for that small bet - as as the idiots who quote pot-odds a lot are usually very poor players and prone to tilt when their slowplayed aces inevitably get cracked.

Drawing hands are easy after mastering the SECRET SKILLS of poker hand reading, each finger represents a suit. When trying to hit a flush it is important to show the correct finger. We have lost count of the times that someone trying to hit a hearts flush has shown the dealer only the spade finger... and quickly been asked to leave the casino.

By the time you get to the river, hand reading needs to distingush VALUE betting from bluffing. The bankroll management thumb gives you this valuable information. If this smells slightly sh1tty you can be sure that the player is out of their depth - using the thumb as a stopper for the brown and runny stuff. Beware when a smelly thumb raises big, they probably have the nuts, erm, hang on...

Well, dear readers, this is just a snippet of the POWERFUL poker hand reading method based on the ancient forumla laid out by Ben Shui (Feng's little brother). You could personally use this method to make ZILLIONS from the poker tables, for only $79 + postage and packing! Send a 2104 post-dated check now


Melted Felt
C/O Bernie Madhoff
C/O Butner Federal Correctional Complex
North Carolina

No, on second thoughts, dont.


Tuesday, 4 May 2010

Squabble With Siblings Sees Annette Sent To Uncle Led

In an exclusive which demands BP pays for the next round, we bring you pokers deepest, darkest and most assuredly made-up tales of teenage angst, temper tantrums, untidy bedrooms and - ultimately - the decision that Annette Obrestadt had better go and stay with her Uncle Led for a while...

Yes, dearest Melted Felt readers, you might have throught all way along that the stable of Betfair Poker Pros was one big happy family who just happened to enjoy playing on sh1te poker software - you'd have been wrong. One insider told us "She was a right little princess, sulking for weeks about not being able to play in the grown-ups tournaments outside of Europe, you know - the 'It soooo unfaaaaaaaaiiirr' act, compete with pout and that annoying flick of the hair routine".

Annette_15 who, like all Norwegians likes nothing better than to tuck into a hearty whale steak, got to the point where she was getting into bitching contests with Peter Jepsen, cussing John Tabatabai and point blank refusing to tidy her blog even after a direct request from Marcus Bateman.

In the end something had to be done, and so Annette was packed off - jar of pickled Herrings in hand - to stay at Full Tilt Poker with uncle Led 'until she has had sufficient time to reflect on her behavior and how upsetting it was to her younger brothers and sisters at the Betfair tables who saw it'.

With the stable environment, huge piles of money and perpetual law suits at Full Tilt we imagine Annette - who, like all Norwegians, has a pet polar bear - will feel right at home. We understand that Mike Matusow has already started knitting her a Full Tilt sweater to replace the Marks and Spencers thick-knit with zig-zag patterned top which Norwegians are obliged to wear at all times. We also understand that Phil Ivey has got the coloring pencils out and created a big sign for the fridge door which reads 'Fridge Pickers Wear Big Knickers', we wonder why?

Howard himself was too busy counting his huge piles of money to comment on whether Annette would be allowed out after 10pm on weekdays.


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