Friday, 7 May 2010

Poker Hand Reading - The Complete Guide

Here at Melted Felt we see ourselves less as a poker satire blog and more of a role model for motivated and smart young people making their way into the adult wo..[Oh for f's sake, thought I'd already warned you about spouting that kind of drivel - Ed]... And what better role could a role model play than to give you VALUABLE insights into the skill of poker hand reading, a skill that could see your BANKROLL rocket!

In a well kept SECRET used by only a select number of poker pros, the lines on the palm of a players right hand - combined with an ancient hand-reading chart first developed by a mystical society of tibetan dwarves in the 11th century are used to work out the correct play. Those who master the ancient art of poker hand reading can gain UNTOLD RICHES looking straight into their opponents souls to catch bluffs, make big folds when beaten and extract MAXIMUM VALUE when even slightly ahead.

The first part of poker hand reading is to get the range of hands a player might have opened with, this is assessed by a combination of the 'run good line' (starting at the bottom and going up towards the middle finger) and the pot-odds live which goes horizontally across the middle of the palm. The closer to the left that these lines cross the tighter your opponent will play. What is more if the suckout line comes close to the run good line you could be facing a super-loose opponent - who relies almost entirely on hitting their 2 outer to stack you, you fish.

Once we have a range of hands the next step in poker hand reading is to rule out certain combinations as we home in on the holding. Here you need to combine flop-betting with the pot-odds line and tilt line of your opponent. When these are close together you have a clear case to see the turn card for that small bet - as as the idiots who quote pot-odds a lot are usually very poor players and prone to tilt when their slowplayed aces inevitably get cracked.

Drawing hands are easy after mastering the SECRET SKILLS of poker hand reading, each finger represents a suit. When trying to hit a flush it is important to show the correct finger. We have lost count of the times that someone trying to hit a hearts flush has shown the dealer only the spade finger... and quickly been asked to leave the casino.

By the time you get to the river, hand reading needs to distingush VALUE betting from bluffing. The bankroll management thumb gives you this valuable information. If this smells slightly sh1tty you can be sure that the player is out of their depth - using the thumb as a stopper for the brown and runny stuff. Beware when a smelly thumb raises big, they probably have the nuts, erm, hang on...

Well, dear readers, this is just a snippet of the POWERFUL poker hand reading method based on the ancient forumla laid out by Ben Shui (Feng's little brother). You could personally use this method to make ZILLIONS from the poker tables, for only $79 + postage and packing! Send a 2104 post-dated check now


Melted Felt
C/O Bernie Madhoff
C/O Butner Federal Correctional Complex
North Carolina

No, on second thoughts, dont.


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